- Non-Erotic Poetry
- R + R Forever
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As wishes go, it is a feebly attempted waste.
Endless stars and forgotten dreams aren't guaranteed.
Dulcet, acoustic notes no longer the foolish sirens of chattering young nerves.
Sweet, new urgency burns deeply
beneath the Evergreen blanket scents linger,
pine and playfulness and purity.
Crimson skies fade to blackened nights. Rushing to runaway together.
Darkness provides little save prying eyes. Anonymity is not
safety, in numbers such as these; couples and trios and the occasional
lost soul finds comfort or contentment or carnality.
The cheap, tangy taste of red wine drips, warming whispers of
what we call love. My sad, silly smile remembers fondly.
The fire's embers have cried their final tear by now. Lazy smoke
drifting into the cavernous sky. Only the meadows can keep secrets.
Probing promises and dancing tongues have no consequence
in a world elapsed, lost in the sounds of silence. You were
beauty, never to be repeated.
Time decays sense of smell and electric touch. But, pictures burn in memory.
Some firsts last long after the dawn proceeds and morning dew fills the stony
etchings of young love. Permanent. Eternal. Ultimately forgotten.
I have returned with only memories to guide my steps. But, I did not
find you waiting.
- COMMENTS
tazz317over 3 years agoth memories can remain the other don't. TK U MLJ LV NV
Anonymousover 3 years agoI don't fully understand the meanings in these verses, but on an emotional level it hit me deep where I live. Signed: BTW
SELSTIMabout 9 years agoYou just described my first love. Torn apart before the flames died promising to reignite at the proper moment. The spark waited patiently only to find that the fuel of love had already been ignited.
Cleardaynowalmost 10 years agoI like this poem enormously. So much so that I went and read your first and now second stories. A very considerable talent. I will comment on the stories separately (incidentally, the first one had 134 comments – we don’t usually get as many comments on an entry in the Poetry Hub).
As with your stories, there is a huge amount I like, including some killer lines. There are also a few points I would criticise and areas where I am uncertain.
As always (and this is particularly so for poems), this is all just my personal opinion.
In the poem you create an empathetic persona – I am drawn in and feel for and with the narrator. Although I got a bit lost in places, there was a satisfying overarch and progression. There is depth and subtlety in the feelings conveyed.
For me killer lines were ‘The cheap, tangy taste of red wine drips, warming whispers of what we call love. My sad, silly smile remembers fondly’, ‘Permanent. Eternal. Ultimately forgotten’, ‘I have returned with only memories to guide my steps. But, I did not find you waiting’. Especially that last couplet.
I liked the alliterations and the contrasts/counterpoints/contradictions.
Criticisms. I feel ‘Dulcet’ was a poor word to use. Words convey through their usage & ‘dulcet’ these days is exclusively used by people writing verse. Thus what is conveyed is the attempt to sound poetic – it jars. To illustrate, I would have replaced ‘dulcet’ by ‘sweet’ and dropped the ‘sweet’ on the next line.
Similarly, I am not happy with ‘cavernous’ which also has been over used in verse. You do not presumably mean that the sky looks like a cave or large hole but that it is gaping. I would have preferred ‘gaping’ there. Cliché is not a problem per se but because it tends to convey either nothing or baggage that is detrimental to the impact of the poem.
Like I said, there are other sections I am unsure of. I am a mathematician rather than a linguistic by background and cannot analyse in detail. I hope 1201 decides to focus his attention on the poem. I believe it is worth it.
