Self-Fulfilling Prophecies

Falling in anything
was never worth the Flight Risk.
Prone to jumping ship,
I prefer control to compassion
and feeling self-aware never came
as frequent as self-fulfilling prophecies
imbedded in the handshakes of
future friends
or lovers
or employers

and I blame my mother
for teaching Independence as priority.
She said learn to scribble
hearts around your own name
if you if you have to

so I'm learning
to draw perfectly symmetrical sentiments
around traumatic first memories
in hopes of finding flaws
in the system
but it's hard to push the front-runner
of every conversation
to the back burner
and expect a steady heart rate-
force pumping blood into
all the parts of your body you wish would
stop fidgeting.

You can beat first impressions
out of anybody,
as long as they're willing to compromise
the semantics of it all-
replacing stories of first kisses
with stories of the second one because that's the one that matters.

It means someone stuck around
for longer than a smoke break
which is not something I can say
happens often
but there are moments

when placing foot in mouth becomes
more important
than the instinctual pull of one foot
out the door. I've kissed more
knuckels than boys but I'm starting
to think maybe the last thing I need
is another volume raise
in my conscience.

See I've been dreaming a lot
about my teeth falling
out lately.
I don't want to know what that means
for fear it might say something
about my personality
that I won't be keen on admitting-
like these passive aggressive shortcomings
and the tendency to
poke holes in the egos
of people with higher self-esteem than me.

I want to say I'm sorry.

I save a lot of time saving face these days
but I spend a lot more
making laundry lists
of anything I've ever said
worth washing my hands of.
I just wish the water would run
faster than I do at any sign of affection
from people who get along
with their fathers
or have even the slightest
sense of direction
as to where they are going once they leave me

breathless, coming to terms with
the fact that
closeness doesn't always end in closure
and maybe the glow at the end
of the tunnel doesn't always involve
lighter fluid
but it's funny

how nourishment can feel just like
abandonment
in the same breath.
There are people you belong with,
whose wishbones will never be
broken in half
by those of us who who still think
we have a chance at
forcing the power of belief into action.

I quit practicing months ago-
floor covered by flipped pennies and
flower petals.

I realized nothing happens by chance.
We did this to ourselves
and you will never represent
a season to me.

You are a dog-eared page
in chapter that I skimmed,
at best.

2012