Shadows of the past return

Shadows of the past return.

Doesn’t seem that long ago really, when I was first starting out. First experience what sex life was really like. The first true kiss, first true feel of the one that loves you. It really doesn’t seem that long ago when I was aching for love, night after night begging to the sky for someone to love me. Seeking out love in all the wrong places, those that did actually love me, I ran away from. Scared.

Every night was a different man, different lover. Not long ago there would be nights I had to wonder if this man was the right one. Or if he was just another bed partner. It became an addiction. I had to have the feel of a man, got to the point to where I didn’t care who he was anymore, as long as I got my fix I was happy. Or was I? Finally one man, one person distroyed my life. Or did he? Did he actually distroy everything I had, or did he provide a new beginning for me? What ever it was, I had to break away. Loss of a child, lies my family found the truth in. Everything went wrong. Broke away from this addiction for months, craving it yes, but it would not make me feel any better about myself.

Once I was out of the state I grew up in, away from everyone I thought cared about me. It wasn’t long ago that I almost lost my family because of a lie. Everyday from that day, I hated myself. Hated everything about me. Months went by that I was in solitude, being with just family that I had to mend. In a small town with not a single guy that interested me in the least. Craved to be alone, at the same time yearned for a mans touch. The solitude is what I needed the most. Allowed myself to make a choice if what I did was wrong or right. To this day I do no know the answer. The lie was wrong, and I promised myself to never lie again. Least of that nature. Secrets are not lies……… are they?

Went back to the state of my past, went down that wretched road that brought me here. Ran into old lovers, found the truth in some, even slept with a few for the last time. Ending old ties. Met someone on the camping trip that I was originally there for. Someone that changed my life. Oddly enough, I haven’t been faithful to him since day one. On that same camping trip I ended up with another person that I used to flirt with but later became more than flirt. There has been a few others, granted some were before me and him became serious. Does that still make me wrong?

Five years have past, yes I have been faithful for most of that time. There was a few years there when I completely true to him. Afraid the past would return, the past has always haunted me, even to this day. But now, the past few months, what I fear the most, the past, has returned. More and more I see who I am, more and more I question if the love I am with now is right for me. Day after day it feels as if I’m reaching out for more.

I ask myself if there is something wrong with me…… If I need help.

The man I love, I do love with more than I can offer. Some say that is all you need is love. I have to wonder, because it feels as if there is more. He caters to my every need with everyday things such as money, food, gifts, and more. Though, he doesn’t cater to my sexual side, doesn’t touch me in ways that I yearn for. Sometimes I have to wonder if he even knows I’m there, five years have gone by. Were these years wasted? Or do they still mean something? We don’t do anything anymore, rarely go out, rarely do things that require us to leave the house. There is no *us* time any longer. I understand that he is in a comfort zone, and I can respect that. Just recent events have been taking place, met a girlfriend that is just as sexually active as I am. Been meeting other guys again. For now there is just three others that I have been with in the recent weeks. Granted I haven’t seen much of any of them due to busy lives.

People ask me why I stay with the man I love, most of the time I do not have an answer for them. So far all the advice I have been given is to just leave him. Sadly there is a part of me that wants to, knowing there is more out there that is for me, more of what I am seeking. Yet. I am not ready to leave if I so desire to. I have become to dependent on him for everything I need. I think that is where this is coming from. I feel like he is more of a support rather than my lover, my means to survive.

Is It still wrong of me to yearn for more? To seek out more of what I desire and yet do not get from my own relationship? Do I need some kind of help?

I do not know why I feel this way, I am more than positive that I am not the only one that feels such things. I want to make him jealous and hope that will bring him out more, at the same time I feel that if it gets to a certain point, his jealousy will lead me into solitude once again. I do not wish to hurt him, he is everything to me. Five years worth of my life belongs to him, without him I have to wonder where I would be today. Behind the couch of my grandparents? On the streets? Or right back where I started in the state that I was raised in, sleeping around for a place to stay at nights?

I am too young to be in this type of relationship, from what most people say. They say that he is so much older than me that it isn’t right to stay with him. Yet, it is only an eight year difference, I’ve known many men older than him that has a high sexual span. That cater to their woman like there is nothing else in the world for them. Not because they have to, but because they love them. I know men that will do spontaneous things such as bring home a rose for no reason except to say "I love you" . I don’t think I am asking for much, in fact I don’t. I can not force him to do anything and I hate to play that guilt trip on him because that only makes it feel like he is doing it because he has to.

These other men I have met, have the touch I seek, speak the words I yearn to hear. Kiss me in ways that I haven’t been kissed in a very long time. They hold me and caress me like nothing else matters to them, like they wouldn’t want to be somewhere else. Out of five years, the one I love still doesn’t do that. The past few days he has been slightly more tentative, but it still doesn’t feel the way it should . It’s really sad when one of these men feel so right, feels like I want to be with him everyday. Ache for his touch, his kiss. To hear his voice as he whispers in my ear while kissing lightly at the nape of my neck. Things that my lover should make me feel, but doesn’t.

Is this wrong of me? I miss those drives to no where in particular, miss those walks in the middle of night in the park hand in hand. I miss all the things that lovers should be doing, but we are not. I see elder married couples still holding hands on the bus, hold conversations like they only just met.

Is it wrong of me to want this in my own relationship? I do not wish to cheat on him, yet to feel the things that I yearn for from another man…… and to receive it… Is that wrong? To feel some regret, but not enough to dwell on it. Only thing I dwell on is, now that I have started, will I be able to stop again? Or will it ruin my life once more? The shadows I feared for so long as finally escaped the cage I had locked them in for all these years. I don’t ask for much, really I don’t. But is it so wrong of me to seek out what I so desire from another when the one I love doesn’t see.

Shadows have returned. Question now is,…….. Will I be able to stop before it gets to late…….. Or is it already to late??

Shadows that have haunted me for many years finally caught me once again. How do I seek help.. Or do I?

Shadows of the past tell me this is right, but deep in my soul, tells me this wrong of me.

Shadows of the past relight the flame I had so very long ago, making me visible by the unwanted.

Shadows of the past release the woman inside of me that I buried years ago.

Shadows of the past speak of words that claim protection, words that I used to believe, now fear.