- Non-Erotic Poetry
- Sinking Deep
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LEMONIA (F)LEAP EDELTRAUD => HOMELESS, JOBLESS, PENNILESS
MONDAY
21/4/2014
SINKING DEEP
I'm sinking deep,
You, mother fuckers,
But I still keep,
My dazzling smile,
I'm sinking low,
You, convoy trackers,
But more I know,
Your faceless style.
I have no words,
You, creepy plotters,
Who changed your swords,
For killing smooth,
But as I sink,
In deeper waters,
I still can think,
About the truth.
- COMMENTS
UnderYourSpellalmost 10 years agoI agree about the plethora of commas and I'm itching to take out the capital letters starting each line, which I think would make it read much smoother. But these are nit picks because I really like the style of this piece. Thanks for the read.
Tsothaalmost 10 years agoNice, I like the rhymes. And I don't even like rhymes. Good job. :)
Now, the punctuation... It distracted me, I almost felt like copy-pasting it elsewhere to remove all commas before reading.
greenmountaineeralmost 10 years agoI'm liking your rhymes and near rhymes more and more, pelegrino. This is smart. It made me chuckle, but still made a serious point.
"Plotters" and "waters" worked well together, but "convoy trackers" seemed like it was inserted just to near-rhyme with "mother fuckers" unless, of course, "convoy trackers" has a unique meaning I'm unaware of.
