The Cat in the Kilt

We sat round the dorm, it was boring and dull.
Our housemother left us with nowhere to go.
She went out of the house, she just went away,
And she locked up the door and she told us to stay.

Just me and my sister, and my roommate, named Nick,
And my roommate’s cat, Mouse, and my little fish, Flick.
We were all trapped inside on that wintry day.
We wanted to leave, we just wanted to play.

So we sat by the window, and we all looked quite glum.
And then Nick said, “Hey, I can make us all numb!”
And he ran to his drawer and he pulled out some weed,
And we smoked up his herb, and I felt numb indeed.

Then my sister said, “Well, I can do better than that.”
And she pulled out some ’shrooms from right under her hat.
And then the day started to go quite more merry,
’Specially when Nick got out his Dust fairy.

We were having such fun, and it started to rock,
When we heard from the window a faint little knock.
We looked at the window and our eyes went blink, blink.
What we saw was quite strange, and we scarcely could think.

Nick went to the frame (he could still crawl, you see,
Though he crawled over Mouse, and he crawled over me).
And he pulled himself up, and he looked out once more,
And he gave a small yelp and he fell to the floor.

The window, it opened, much more wide than ‘twas built,
And in came a Cat, who was wearing a kilt.
“Good afternoon,” said the Cat, as it carefully climbed down.
It looked round our room, and it started to frown.

“Oh, this won’t do here, oh no, no, no, no.
It’s all much to dull, it’s all got to go.”
And the cat grabbed a book, tossed it out, watched it fall.
And it grinned a small grin, and it winked at us all.

“I’ve some friends you should meet,” said the Cat in the Kilt.
“Get away from this gloom! Get away from this guilt!
But first we must clean – we must make this room lighter!
We’ll just lose a few things. . . and bring two Things much brighter!”

And the Cat grabbed more stuff, tossed it out to the ground.
It tossed chairs, tables, lamps while we three laid around.
My sister said “urk,” which I think meant to stop.
But the Cat only smirked and tossed more things to drop.

Then it took out a can and it gave it a shake
And it sprayed out bright lines in the shape of a snake.
And it painted the walls and the bed and the floor.
Then. . . It set out a big box, and ran out of the door.

It was Mouse that got up, went and jumped on the box.
Then the box, well it shook, and it ticked like nine clocks.
And the lid shot straight up, taking Mouse for a ride.
And out stepped two Things, and they stood side by side.

Nick moaned and he crawled, tried to leave, get away.
It was clear he’d enough of the strange things this day.
He rolled under the bed, even dropped his dust Fairy.
But the Things looked around, grinning grins that were merry.

The Things wanted to play, that was clear from their eyes.
But the play they would play would give us a surprise.
For the Things, they were not so suppressed as we three.
They played in a way that we three couldn’t be.

So they played with themselves and they were really quite spry!
And the Things, well they played while we three just sat by.
They played silly games, did Thing Two and Thing One.
And the games that they played, looked – and sounded – quite fun.

So we thought that we might, with a little more zing,
Join the games that they played, try to get in the swing,
And my sister was game, she was ready to play.
So she lifted her skirt and she diddled away.

And the Things, they just stopped and they watched for awhile,
And One looked at Two and he started to smile.
And One started a game that was really quite merry.
And Two joined right in as they played pop the cherry!

Thing One was so quick, he’s so quick with his dick.
He’s so quick with his dick it came out with a flick.
It came out with a flick and went into my sister.
He jumped her, and humped her, and then – THEN he kissed her.

My sister said “Oh” and sat down on the floor,
And then she got up, and she asked him for more.
She asked quite politely, with plenty of tongue.
She first asked Thing Two, and then asked Thing One.

Thing One and Thing Two, they were willing to help,
And they jumped on my sister, and they gave a Great Yelp.
And One jumped on her back, and Two jumped on her front.
And my sister, she groaned, and she started to grunt.

And she started to yell, and she started to shout.
And the Things, they just pumped in and out, in and out.
And they came in her front, and they came in her rear.
And they came in her hair, and they came in her ear.

And under her arm, and along side her nose,
And Thing Two even came between each of her toes.
And then they just sat, in a puddle of joy.
And my sister held on to Thing Two’s little toy.

Then the cat in the kilt came in free as the breeze.
And he took off his kilt, and I fell to my knees.
A cat o’ nine tales, that I’ve heard of, of course.
But a cat o’ nine dongs – each as big as a horse!

They moved like a snake, they moved like an eel.
They grabbed the fish bowl, they wrapped ’round my heel.
And they went into places even I didn’t know,
And Nick smiled a small smile and he started to grow.

When last I could see, Nick, Mouse and poor Flick
Were just lifted away by the Cat’s mobile prick.
What Nick was doing to Mouse, well it made me blush red,
And I swear I saw Flick giving Nick some good head!

My sister looked up, and her eyes got quite wide,
And she picked up the Things, and she threw them aside.
And she leaped to the cat, and she slid underneath,
And the dongs, they encircled her head like a wreath.

As for me, well, you know, there was plenty to share.
I had gotten quite tired of the game, solitaire.
So I got me my piece – more like pieces, you see –
And more to the point all those pieces got me.

And we schtupped and we screwed and we sucked and we blew
And we slurped and we slipped and Nick started to chew!
And that’s how we spent that long, dull, dismal day
With our Housemother gone and with nothing to play!

And the day went to evening and evening to night,
And we started to tire, to fade just like the light.
And my sister was sated, and, well, so was I, too.
And Nick and the fish and dear Mouse were through, too.

So the Cat – he could go on forever, you see –
Took pity on us, and just let us be.
And he picked up his Things, put them back in the box.
And he put on his kilt and he locked up those locks.

He tidied up, here and there, got the sticky stuff off.
Cleaned up Nick just a bit, till Nick started to cough.
And he waved a glad wave, as he pushed the box out.
And he jumped out that window, with no moment of doubt.

Me, Mouse and my sister, Flick, Nick and the room
Didn’t move, didn’t twitch in the darkening gloom.
What could we say now, how could we agree
That what happened to us was not crazy, you see?

And we sat and we mulled, wondered, pondered and thought
Till we thought there was nothing more left to be taught.
And my sister, she smiled, and pulled Nick to her side,
And Nick cried till he laughed and then laughed till he cried.

And just then in the hall, our housemother called out.
“I’ve come back, do you hear? Is there no-one about?
Why is it so dark? Are you here, do you see?
Ah, me, this is strange, now where could they be?”

And Nick and my sister, with me going before,
Took one last look at our room, and stepped out through the door.
Said goodbye to the cat, and the magical day.
And ran down the stairs for new games we could play.