Twenty-Five-Year Kiss

We bickered in math class
“When are you two getting married?”
Our teacher asked
Seeing clearly

We were blind

On Halloween
You stood in my doorway wearing black lipstick and a wide smile
We drank coffee and laughed

I wanted to kiss you

I listened patiently while another boy
My closest friend
Bragged about touching you
Infuriated by his lack of understanding

We were too young to know how to love
Love was pain

I was silent then
I spent months listening to sad songs
I drew your portrait to truly know your face

I wanted to kiss you
I wanted to disappear
I wanted to fade away
Like a dusty chalk portrait
Until I became unrecognizable to anyone I knew

You told me I had nice eyes
Then took it back
I ignored you
No longer your plaything

We lost each other
Caught in our own fears
And drifted apart on separate currents of time

Years later you came to my show
You insisted on holding me
Even though my t-shirt was saturated with sweat
You introduced me to your new partner
I shook his hand warmly
And scolded myself for the confusion I still felt over you

We met again
This time alone
We talked all night
You took me to the lake
We held hands in your car

You wanted me to kiss you
But I didn’t

The next time we met
We walked in the park at midnight
I brushed the hair from your face and tucked it gently behind your ear
You thanked me

We walked through the city holding hands
Fingers braided and palms flush
We clung to each other desperately
I felt more of your skin that night than any other

I said goodnight
You called my name
Pleading
I knew what you wanted to say
But wouldn’t let you

You said you wanted me

I told you
I have always wanted you
I will always want you
But it’s either too late or too soon for us

A kiss that has waited twenty-five years
Can wait longer still
Until it’s no longer tainted by betrayal
Or until memory of its urgency fades

I want to kiss you
But I want love without pain