Unrelentless as the night

Ok. Third line at the last two words. If right is taken as privileges of a Lord and Master the poem leans toward a "forced"? seduction. If right is taken to mean his right side then that means the hunter is vulnerable in a way the prey can see. Maybe I'm just reading it the wrong way. I thought the paper skin was good.

i read this late last night and thought this morning i'd already commented. sorry, A :)

i was agreeing with Poet Guy's comment last night and like his small tweaking. as for the form, i'm not nearly good enough to make credible remarks about it. (it looks pretty hard to make work to a poem's advantage!)

but I loved this. It worked for me, though I got shades of Buffy the Vampire Slayer from Master http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Master_%28Buffy_the_Vampire_Slayer%29

Just to point out that this is a Triolet which calls for the repeated lines as part of the form

I saw you read mine, certain lines seem to be repeated, in a poem this short, you can't afford the same line, slight shifts - PG did the same thing in his example.

or some similar vampire. Good triolet, though some of the lines seem a little off metrically (if you were trying to be a consistent meter, which you may not be). Poet Guy might suggest some minor changes, like this:

He is relentless as the night.

She shivers, skin pierced like thin paper

marked for the beast to own, his right,

and He, relentless as the night,

savours the maiden's captured fright.

Spoils of war, a Master takes her,

as unrelenting as the night.

She shivers, skin pierced like rice paper.

Poet Guy acknowledges, however, that this poem is your poem and hopes you will disregard these suggestions if not helpful.

......or some other masterful lover? Nice, neat form as only you can do, UYS. I can't help wondering if you meant "relentless" or "unrelenting" which would make more sense of the rest of your poem. It conveys mood and image well.

Tess