Unsure

You lift me up
You let me down
Without ever knowing
You've done either.

Why, then, do I still find
I want to know everything about you?
What music you like, what you were like
As a teenager, and so, so much more.

You seem so guarded
Intriguing or mysterious, some might say.
I suppose great heartache
Will do that to a person, though.

I've only ever wanted to know the real you.
But, now things seemed to have changed.
Is this actually what it seems?
Or am I getting my hopes up again?

I've lost count of how many times
I've made myself write you off.
If I'm misconstruing things,
I think I'll lose my mind for good.

So what has changed?
We've known each other for years.
I hope it's not my weight loss,
Though I can't imagine you being that shallow.

I'd like to think you've been eavesdropping
On my conversations with the other moms,
Whether intentional or not,
And find me worth your time.

It's embarrassing how often
I've wanted you to text.
Just because, let's hang out, how was your day?
My manifestation efforts wasted.

At the same time I'm afraid
If you actually do get to know me
You won't like what you find,
An ugly layer of grime underneath.

I don't know why I'm writing all this.
You'll probably never see.
But it's things that needed said,
If only just for me.