Untitled [New York]

I'm in New York
right now
editing that manuscript
I wrote that was
inspired by you
and I had the strongest urge
to email you
even though I knew
there was nothing you would say
that was so particularly urgent
and I, in turn, had
nothing in particular
to say to you
(that you would want to hear)
but maybe I just
wanted that connection
so I didn't email you
instead I went
to the opera
but I ended up
watching the conductor
almost as much as the actors
and again I thought of you
and felt that urge
this time to talk to you
the way we never have
just to hear your voice
like I was missing part of my heart
but I didn't
because I don't have your number
but I didn't email you
I still had nothing to say
(that you would want to hear)
I thought
maybe the universe
would leave me alone
but instead I got stopped in the street
by someone speaking your native tongue
who asked me for directions
and I heard that song
that always makes me think of you
and if all of that wasn't enough
I dreamed
about you
we were talking
just talking
the way I always wanted
and I put my cheek on your arm
just so
and you looked at me
the way I always dreamed
you asked me
are you afraid?
of you, I said,
no way, keep dreaming,
but when I woke up
I realized it was a lie
I am afraid of you
the way you could make me
do anything you wanted
the way you could take
my heart and crush it
crush me
but maybe what scares me most
is the thought
that I'll never feel for anyone else
what I feel for you
even though I know
you don't feel it back
to you I'm just that girl
the one who looks a little too long
and too often
the one who will miss you
when you are gone
a little too much
(a lot too much)
and you don't really understand
why
and I'll tell you a secret
neither do I
so I think I will
write you that email
even though I have nothing to say
(that you want to hear)
I just want that connection
it's like when you
tell your wife
I love you
every day. she knows,
but you still feel the urge
to say it
yes, it's like that
but first
I will move the words
back into mangled prose
so you don't see
all the things
I'm trying not to say