01 - Sincerely, Yours

WARNING: This story contains graphic sexual content as well as BDSM. This story also contains a wide age gap. (Dominant 21, Submissive 35).!!!This story contains mourning the loss of a lover.!!!

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1/19/2021

Jeffrey,

You were the world to me, the ground beneath my feet. You were an oasis while I was stranded in the middle of the desert. You were my first true love, the one that I had to meet. I hoped you'd be my last love, but fate never works out quite the way we want it to. I never thought I'd lose you, I never thought I'd be able to live without you, and then I never thought I'd get over losing you. I never thought I could love another the way that I love you. I never thought that, after losing you, the pieces of me that were left in pieces could be repaired.

I will never stop loving you, I'll never stop remembering you. You hold a huge piece of my heart, you hold the parts of me that no one else can ever touch. I couldn't keep going on, not moving on, staying trapped inside the darkness that flooded me when you died. I blamed myself every day, I couldn't eat, sleep... I wanted to die, too.

But, you would have never wanted me to die so needlessly. You'd want me to pick up the pieces and be happy because that is the kind of person you are. Jeffrey, you're irreplaceable, I am so sorry that I couldn't save you. I tried to, but you already know that, don't you? You know me better than anyone ever has... and I will always love you. I know you always loved me, even when things weren't perfect.

I'll miss you, forever, Master, but I'll be okay. I don't know where you are--I don't know what comes afterlife, perhaps it's better if I don't--but, I don't want you to spend your afterlife worrying about me. I'm okay.

Fly free.

Sincerely, Yours.

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C A S P I A N

Caspian had developed a routine during the ten years he'd been devoted to Jeffrey, and even now that he was gone he'd not strayed a single day or night from his routine. He followed every rule Jeffrey had, like he wasn't... like he wasn't gone forever. Caspian knew he wasn't just away on vacation in Prague, or business in California--he was completely gone. Caspian just couldn't wrap his mind around the loss. He wasn't sure he'd even processed that he was gone yet and it had already been a year. He couldn't shake the ever-deepening pit in his stomach that just gets bigger and bigger with each passing moment.

He missed Jeffrey. He missed sitting by the door, anxiously awaiting his Masters' return. He loved the way Jeffrey's cologne touched his senses, the way he commanded a respect from everyone he met. He missed the touch, the guidance, the love. He missed Jeffrey so much he couldn't quite manage to move on, he saw him everywhere he looked, felt him every time he laid in their old bedroom. He couldn't help but feel like he would never get over losing him, and he was almost okay with spending the rest of his life in solitude. He didn't mind the silence, he didn't mind the echoing empty house--at least until dinner rolls around, and he realizes that once again, he'd prepared the same dinners that his Master had set up the previous year for just himself, in the massive house he felt trapped inside of.

Without Jeffrey, the place he once called home felt like a prison. He could look around the house, admire its beauty, and he couldn't bear to part with it... but he couldn't look around the house without seeing late Sunday morning cartoons, curled together on the couch with a bottle of wine. He couldn't look around without seeing the place Jeffrey had proposed, and where they'd hosted dinner parties with their friends. He couldn't look around without seeing every memory of the two of them, overlapping and drowning him. A knock on his door made Caspian jump, and he sighed deeply and glanced at the clock on the wall.

He walked to the door and opened it, figuring it was probably Jeffrey's daughter coming to check on him. She and her aunt took turns visiting, once every other week. He'd pushed away everyone from their lives, secluded himself off in his misery, and having the two of them around somehow made things temporarily seem better.

"Caspian, honey, you look wonderful. I brought pies--!" Amanda said, handing him the bag in her hand. Caspian took it and peeked into it. "My grandmother made your favorite, so she made you one too. It probably should be put into the refrigerator, so we can have a slice before I go!" She said.

"Come in, you must be quite chilly," Caspian said, opening the door further and letting her in. Amanda walked in and smiled a little, looking around. "How are you doing?"

"I'm alright," She said, looking over him with apprehension on her face. "How are you, for real?"

"Well, I guess I'm alright." He said finally, looking down at his feet nervously.

"You look like shit. Have you been sleeping?" She asked, and he shrugged.

"Kind of. I mean... I don't know." He finally admitted, looking away from her again.

"It has been over a year, Caspian, and I know you were very close to my father, I know you loved him more than anything... but you can't keep living like this. I know it's hard to move on, but I'm worried if you don't I'm going to come over one day and..." She didn't say it, she never did. He looked away, feeling ashamed of him. He couldn't lie and say he hadn't thought a lot about the prospect of joining him, but they never mentioned it. "I can't lose you, too." He led her to the kitchen, placing the pies in the fridge and grabbing the kettle off the stove.

"What is there to lose, Mandy, I'm... not even me without him anymore..." Caspian muttered quietly, keeping his eyes trained on the floor in front of him. He grabbed two teacups and prepared tea, trying to keep his focus on not looking up... not crying.

"Darling, you've always been you--you're just a little lost right now. You need to get back out there, meet someone. I know that you feel like you can't, but it's what dad would've wanted. He didn't leave you everything necessary to live a long and happy life if he didn't want you to live it." She said, gently placing her hand on top of his. He jumped for a second, but relaxed quickly and smiled a little. He appreciated the thought, but it didn't feel like the right time.

A little nagging voice in the back of his head croaked, but will it ever?

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It was about six months later, and he was at a charity event, signing a check to the charity in Jeffrey's name. He had begged Amanda to do it because he knew that it'd be much less weird for Jeffrey's daughter to deliver the check but she'd refused. She said that he wasn't going to ever leave the house if she kept doing things like that for him and that it was time for him to try. And while he felt like he had been trying, she didn't seem to believe it. Hell, at this point, could he even believe that he was trying?

After he'd given the check to the leader of the charity he'd grabbed another glass of wine and snuck off, out one of the open doors and stood on the balcony of the building, looking up at the sky and thinking about... everything. Perhaps Amanda was right, maybe he needed to do more to move on. Jeffrey was gone, and there isn't any coming back. He couldn't continue doing this, he was lonely.

"Would you like another drink?" He jumped, startled, and turned to face the person who'd spoken. He sucked in a deep breath, looking over his face. He was gorgeous, young but somehow... sophisticated and alluring. He had a defined jawline, smooth tan skin, deep cerulean blue eyes, messy blond hair, and the faintest ghost of a five o'clock shadow. He somehow managed to look both disheveled and professional at one time, almost as if he was intentionally looking like he'd just gotten done rolling around in a bed.

"Seven should probably be my limit, truly, but thank you," Caspian murmured, grabbing a champagne glass and swirling it around.

"I don't need to take your keys do I?" He teased, sitting the tray down that was currently empty, thanks to his last drink, and walking over to the rail of the balcony. He sat down on the rail and looked over me.

"I have a driver, I wouldn't have had a single drink if I didn't." Caspian murmured, leaning forward a little and looking over the edge, "Aren't you scared up there?"

"What, that I'm gonna become sidewalk pizza? Nah, the most it'd do at this height is probably break a few bones, maybe paralysis, but with a face like this even that could work out in my favor." He teased, looking into the building.

"I could never do that," Caspian said.

"Maybe not, but if it's any consolation, I wouldn't let you fall anyway. I can't have the main benefactor of this charity event dying on my watch, my boss would hang me." He said. Caspian blushed and looked away.

"I'm hardly a benefactor, all of this money is my late husband's, I didn't work for it. I'm just the face everyone wants to parade around so that they can talk about how great I'm doing since the accident." Caspian said, downing the glass of champagne in a quick motion.

"It's because when something tragic happens, people try to make it seem less tragic by talking about how great someone else involved is doing. It makes things seem less... hopeless." He said, looking over Caspian with those eyes that seemed to pierce him.

"It doesn't for me," Caspian said, and he nodded.

"It only helps the general population feel better, not necessarily the family. I'm sorry. How longs it been, now?" He asked, and Caspian sighed deeply and glanced away.

"A year and a half, now." He admitted, and the guy nodded his head.

"I don't want to come across as too forward, I know it's probably too soon for you and that's totally fine. But, I've not been able to take my eyes off you since you got here... I've been waiting on a time that seemed right to approach you." He said, making Caspian blush and look away from him.

"I'm so much older than you, though," Caspian murmured, looking over the face of the very bold boy that was talking to him for a brief moment before lower his eyes.

"You don't look it." Caspian blushed, feeling certain it was probably just harmless flattery.

"How old are you?" Caspian ventured after a moment of silence passed between them. The boy smiled a little and scooted over a little closer to Caspian, this time close enough that he could smell his cologne, see the little freckles, one under his eye and one on his lip, could see his nose was slightly crooked, probably from a broken nose at some point in his life. He looked older than a teenager but still... young.

"I'm twenty-one," the guy said and placed and hand on top of Caspian's. Caspian glanced down at the hand, and back up into his eyes. He couldn't help the gentle tingle that started from where the boy's hand touched.

"Still so young," Caspian murmured, torn. On one hand... He had a few drinks, he wasn't over Jeffrey, and the boy was young but on the other... the boy was handsome, he was by law, a man and could make his own decisions, and Caspian was tired of the silence, the loneliness and he had an ache deep inside himself that he couldn't ease anymore. He wanted it, but he was scared of giving himself to anyone else.

"Not too young, though. I know what I want, and I want you." Caspian bit his lip as the man gently pushed his hair out of his eyes. He ran a gentle thumb down his cheek, forcing Caspian to meet his eyes. Caspian, always one to do as he was told, met his eyes, blushing brightly. Caspian wasn't sure, at that moment, what came over him because what he did next wasn't anything that he even expected. He leaned forward just a little, his heart racing, and pressed his lips against the man's lips, surprised at the shock of lust that swam inside of him.

He hadn't been touched since well before the accident, their sex life had tapered off because of Jeffrey getting older. He began having to take Cialis, but at thirty-three, the last thing Caspian really wanted was to focus only on sex. He didn't mind the lack of sex, but after so long with nothing... he felt like a teenaged schoolboy, being touched for the first time. Excited, aroused, nervous and so, so horny.

The boy--man--had reacted immediately, pulling him forward and kissing him with a passion that he hadn't felt in years, even before Jeffrey had died. While their love remained intact, the amount of passion had decreased, especially when Jeffrey hit about forty-five, and he'd started having intimate troubles. Jeffrey threw himself into work after that, and while Caspian didn't mind, it had been a long time since he'd felt... sparks.

"Can we go, or do you have more work to do?" Caspian murmured once they finally pulled apart, clinging onto the man.

"I got off an hour ago, that's why my trays empty." He said, and Caspian nodded, standing up and taking a couple of steps.

"Do you.." Caspian hesitated for just a moment, before steadying himself. He needed this, he reminded himself. "Do you want to come back to my house? I've got a thousand-dollar bottle of wine at home that needs to be drank." The man smirked a little, cocky, and nodded.

"Of course." He said, and Caspian bit his lip and started walking towards the exit of the building. The man was following behind him, he could feel the eyes on his body, and the familiar feeling of being watched made him feel more comfortable somehow.

"Davenport, please," Caspian said, and the valet nodded, and picked up his phone, and sent a quick message.

"Your driver has been alerted, please wait just a moment by the door." The man said, his eyes looking over the man beside Caspian and then Caspian and back again. Caspian blushed, looked away, and trained his eyes on the ground, while the man beside him just shot the valet a smirk. It only took about thirty seconds for his car to come around to the front of the building and Caspian walked towards it. The Valet opened the door and let the two of them in and shut the door.

"Home, sir?" Bertram, the driver asked, and Caspian nodded his head.

The drive home was short and sweet, and Caspian was very ready for it to be over with when it was. On top of feeling like he was on the edge of exploding, Bertram was the driver that Jeffrey had gotten him, and riding home with him in the car with an erection for a guy he'd never really met before felt a little awkward.

"Wow, nice place," The man said, entering behind Caspian.

"Thanks," Caspian said, not even bothering to look around the dimly lit living room before heading straight to the kitchen for the wine, coming back out and meeting him in the living room again. "Um, where do you want..." He asked, feeling his shyness come back full force now that they were alone.

"Anywhere. We can go anywhere you want." He said and put his hand on Caspian's shoulder.

"How about a bath," Caspian murmured, thinking of how he had a bubble bath that could keep both of them from being fully exposed to each other.

"That works perfect, where's the bathroom?" He asked, and Caspian pointed towards the stairs. He grabbed two wine glasses off of the bar that separated the living room and kitchen and led the man up to his room, through into the bathroom. The bathroom had a giant garden tub made of marble, with a step up into it. Caspian turned the faucet on, feeling the water and making sure it was warm, poured some bubble bath into the water, and sat on the edge of the tub.

It didn't take long for the two of them to strip and sit down in the tub, Caspian pressed up against the man. "I never got your name," Caspian said, pouring them both a glass of wine. "I'm Caspian Davenport, what about you?" He asked the man shyly, embarrassed that they'd all but rubbed each other off at the charity event and he'd brought him home with him without even finding out a name.

"I'm Hayden Michaels." Caspian felt his hand lightly trace his abdomen under the warm water, keeping him nestled close to him. Hayden took a sip of wine, and smiled a little, and wrapping a warm arm around his waist, and holding him, making Caspian blush.

Caspian had lost count of many things, in the hour that they spent in the bath, one of which was how many drinks they had. He wasn't entirely sure how long they'd been pressed together in the bathroom, all he knew was that for the first time in a year and a half, he didn't feel like there was an emptiness inside of his chest.

It didn't take Hayden long to turn the man around and kiss him deeply. Caspian could taste the flavors of the wine on Hayden's tongue, could feel his strength as he held him in his lap. Caspian had never been more aware of every flaw he'd ever counted on himself, but it helped that the two of them were underneath the water, so he didn't have to worry about the much younger, much more attractive man finding out he wasn't quite as ravishing as he once had been.

He wasn't old, but he definitely had a few more wrinkles, he wasn't as fit as he was before, while still lanky, he wasn't all corners and edges now. He had gained around fifteen pounds, which wasn't much but he felt like it was overly obvious now. Hayden gripped his hips, he could feel the indentions in his skin and it felt really good. He hoped the grip would be hard enough to render light, finger-sized bruises so he'd be able to remember this.

The movement of their bodies made the water splash about, leaving puddles on the floor as they ground together, slowly but deliberately. "You want to get out?" Hayden asked, panting into Caspian's mouth. Caspian nodded, grabbed his towel, and quickly stood up.

"Come on," Caspian couldn't deny the fact that he was a little tipsy by the time the two stumbled into bed, but he didn't hesitate for a moment when Hayden kissed him again, sinking into the warm embrace as Hayden began stroking a fire inside of him that he wasn't sure how to put out, at all.

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Hayden had begun coming over quite frequently after their drunken lovemaking, and while Caspian still found himself missing Jeffrey, Hayden made him feel better. It'd been about three weeks, and Hayden had spent many nights at his house, and while it was a lot different waking up with the man beside him, it was a good difference. He didn't feel the pang of emptiness, he didn't see the echoes of the past every time he looked around him.

He had quickly grown used to Hayden being there, and the thought of the piece of him that was missing because of Jeffrey dying going away scared him. They'd been mainly talking and messing around in the bedroom. Hayden had the stamina to do nothing but sex for hours, and somehow, Caspian found himself very capable of keeping up with him. He couldn't believe it, the only thing he could figure was that it'd just been so long since he'd been touched that he couldn't help but respond to every single touch.

He had never really intended for Hayden to be a permanent part of his life, or even just a temporary part of it, either way because he planned on forgetting all about it after Hayden went home but he found himself unable to forget it. It was almost as if he was addicted to the man, and it was both infuriating and exciting.

He hadn't intended for things to go nearly as far as they had, but he felt okay with the way they were turning out anyway. He knew that Hayden could never replace Jeffrey, but he filled the hole that Jeffrey had left behind decently well. Some parts of him would never recover from losing Jeffrey, but the parts that could recover finally felt like they may actually be repaired.

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A loud noise woke up Caspian at midnight or a little after, he'd glanced over at Hayden, who he hadn't even noticed stir. Hayden was looking around the bedroom for something, but he found nothing in the darkness. "Caspian, stay here," Hayden commanded, and Caspian nodded his head obediently. The only thing Hayden and Jeffrey had in common was the way that they demanded respect from everyone around them. They somehow, even though completely different from each other in every other way, had a certain I know what I'm doing aura about them that was probably the most attractive thing that Caspian had ever seen.