12 - Sweet Intoxication of Her Love

this story contains characters over age 18

Chapter 12 The Sweet Intoxication of Her Love

I am admittedly and unapologetically a hedonistic nymphomaniac, as you can probably see by now. I love sex, and just about everything to do with it. I crave intimacy, touch, sensation. Much of the time, I feel like the embodiment of desire in motion. I know that sounds overly dramatic, especially for someone like me, but it truly consumed me. With almost every person I came in contact, I was wondering and hoping they found me desirable, even if I was not particularly attracted to them. This sounds shallow and vain, narcissistic even, but that's only part of it. I saw the beauty in life, and in a simple way, I loved people for the things that were beautiful about them. I wished I could go through life acting on desire every time it struck me.

I had two big problems when it came to my current sex life. The first is that I was bisexual, and my husband could never be a woman.

After about five years of marriage, it suddenly seemed I had been running from myself for a long time. I didn't realize how much I needed it. I knew, and my husband had known before we married, that I enjoyed being with women. Unfortunately, I did not address this issue before we were married. As most people would, he assumed our marriage would be monogamous, and I didn't think anything different at the time. I knew that my husband was the only one I wanted to build a life with.

I didn't ever want a relationship with a woman. It's exciting and erotic, but it's not about love. For me, it's about physical pleasure, plain and selfish. They know exactly what you want and how to please because it's what they want too, and you know what kind of pleasure they are feeling because you've felt it too. It's a very intimate and titillating experience, and I missed it. It wasn't as if this was something I thought I wanted but had never experienced. I knew what it was all about. I knew what I was missing, and it was like going years without dessert.

It was this realization that started the search. I told my husband I wanted a girlfriend. It wasn't that I wanted someone else, or didn't love him anymore. It was a need for an interaction that he could not physically provide. I was honest and open about my desire to find a woman I could be with on occasion, a friend I could be with when he wasn't available. I informed him that I would respect his feelings, and reassured him that I would never leave him, and certainly not for a woman. For lack of a more accurate explanation, this was about sex. I was open to him being involved, but never-ending threesomes weren't really my goal; that wasn't really the same as the experience that I was missing. I allowed him to have an opinion on the matter. I listened to his thoughts and feelings, and we tried to find a resolution that would please both of us and strengthen our relationship. I felt like we were moving forward together. If it had worked the way I believed it would, I wouldn't even have a story to tell.

But then I had to find a way to make this happen in a way that would be acceptable to my husband. My best friend was no longer an option; she still lived across the country and we were no longer speaking. I knew he would be uncomfortable with this because it involves meeting new people. My husband doesn't like strangers, and in many ways, I shared his feelings, but my desire outweighed my fear. Because I wasn't looking for a relationship, I only needed a physical connection, but my husband is a relationship-oriented person and, to him, this was like finding another wife.

He was concerned about someone causing drama in our lives and our relationship. While I understood it, I was less concerned. I knew my own frame of mind, and I was confident I could protect my family from drama while I got to know people. While he was concerned with finding this perfect woman, a veritable unicorn, I started looking online because that seemed like the most direct way to meet like-minded people without worrying about offending anyone, even though I knew he would not want to meet people that way, fearing it was dangerous. People are less afraid to speak openly online. Unfortunately, this was a relatively fruitless search. The women I found were often fake profiles, put on by men who were interested in lesbians or didn't want to pay for an online membership, or by pornographic websites who only wanted to bait users into subscribing to other sites. A few of the women I found were only interested in a deep, meaningful homosexual relationship. While there isn't anything wrong with that, it wasn't right for me, and it would have been disastrous and wrong for me to engage these people.

I did meet a few women online however. The first time, it was a girl and her boyfriend. She was pretty, and they accepted my terms. He could take pictures and participate with her only. He would not be allowed to touch me. We had an incredibly fun night. Unfortunately, they wanted a third member of their relationship who would be with both of them. They found someone soon after, and I didn't see them again.

The next girl was married, and she was a lot like me. Her situation was different though; her husband knew she was interested in women and allowed her time and privacy to pursue that desire when she needed to. This seemed like the perfect situation for me, except that she lived almost an hour away, and it was difficult for me to have enough time to see her, given that my own husband was not as understanding and was still unaware of the situation. I hadn't told him about her because I'd met her online and I knew he would be uncomfortable with that and the fact that she was married. We hung out a few times and I taught her some things, as she was relatively inexperienced and overzealous.

One time, as a gift to her, I participated in a threesome with her and her husband. When her husband started contacting me without her knowledge, I tried to extricate myself from their relationship, recognizing a situation headed for disaster. He tried to tell me she was aware and supportive of him being with me alone. I didn't want to be alone with him anyway; I really only wanted her. Then she found out, and convinced herself that this made it okay for her to consider being with other men. I decided it was now necessary for me to cut ties because she wasn't as careful as I was about protection and covering her tracks. When he found out she had been with other men, he became enraged and destroyed her phone in the microwave. I talked to her only one time after that and found out what happened, but we never saw each other again.