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For all that, it was only okay. He had clearly studied the bondage side of the lifestyle, and it was interesting and mostly pleasurable, but he was no sadist. There was no heat, only a curiosity. Without passion, it wasn't an experience I wanted to repeat.
I met a man who claimed to be dominant, but when we were together, I had to use my safe-word twice in the first five minutes of being together, and discontinued play after the second time. There was no chemistry, no connection between us. I could sense something in his eyes, like contempt rather than desire. He wasn't in tune with my body or my mind, and there was something truly scary about what I saw. This was the downside to searching for this kind of relationship. I had to trust them, because I was going to allow them to cause me pain, and I had to know they were going to respect my limits and not leave marks I would be forced to explain.
I trusted my husband to do the things I didn't trust anyone else to do, but he wasn't entirely comfortable with the idea of causing me pain, and some of my desires were clearly too deviant, even for him. Even though he participated, I could see that he didn't necessarily understand it, and that made it more difficult. I didn't ever want to feel like I'm asking for something that he didn't really want.
I met another man and his slave. Talking with them caused me to really examine my life and consider my actions and how they affected my relationship. I determined that if I joined them, they would pull me away from my husband. I would not be capable of joining them in any way less than completely and thoroughly, with my whole being. I very much wanted that kind of relationship with my husband, and believed I might be able to find it through slow exploration. That was when I wrote the e-mail at the beginning of this book to them informing them I had changed my mind about the whole thing. I determined to put my desires on the back burner once again, constantly focused on my relationship with my own husband.
