15 Minutes

When is an unsuccessful event a success? Well, I guess that all depends on your perspective and whether or not you're still wearing any clothes.

Had all gone well last night, it would have gone something like this:

Romance author signs books at local bookstore, event runs smoothly, end of story.

But of course, it didn't go smoothly, and that's why we have a story. I guess the catalyst for all of this is the author, a relatively well-known romance author, known to her readers as a "fun personality" and known to everyone who's ever had to work with her as a "not so fun personality."

Her name was Lana Love, and Ms. Love was scheduled to sign books at a quaint little bookstore last night. Know this about Ms. Love, she hates to do signings.

Hates having to answer those insipid questions...how do you get the ideas for your books, which is your favorite character, why did you kill off Jake in Love Knows No Reason, etc. etc.

She had started bringing her best friend Jill Foster, a not as successful writer, to all her events. The two of them would always go to dinner before each signing and depending on how good dinner was and who might be buying another round of drinks, they would show up one or two hours late and a bit worse for the wear. And that was if they didn't just flat out cancel.

Imagine trying to plan an event around this woman.

Which brings us to yesterday and Dan, the bookstore's manager. Dan was just starting to loathe his job. He had hated it for a long time. The owner of the store was a fussy old man, who didn't really do much at the store, for example, he never worked past 4 pm, but he always found time to criticize the job Dan was doing. Dan's dream of hosting literary events with the likes of Updike (dead), Irving or Carver had quickly given way to second or third-rate romance writers and the same crowd time and time again.

The only thing that might make tonight bearable was Amy, the cute security guard who worked most of his events. He had a bit of a crush on her and lately his flirting had intensified. And while he enjoyed it, there was something about their give and take that left him a little uneasy.

He just couldn't quite put his finger on what it was.

Amy had also felt it, but she had figured it out. What had started out as kindness on Dan's part, bringing her extra Kleenex when she had a cold or food from the kitchenette, had turned into a bit of submissive thing. She started to test him a bit, telling rather than asking for things. Once, when they were talking, she started to shift her head back and forth and complained of neck and shoulder stiffness. She asked, no, told Dan to rub her shoulders, which he did for a few awkward moments...awkward for him, not for her.

Amy didn't hate her job, but she was bored. She had been a cop, but the old boy network had made her life miserable and ultimately she had quit. This security guard gig was a temporary thing. As a matter of fact, she was starting her new job as a paralegal in a few weeks and had just turned in her notice. She would miss Dan, miss tormenting him.

"You look deep in thought." It was Sarah, the college student who worked at the bookstore with Dan.

"Oh," said Amy, "I guess I was. I'm starting a new job soon. I was just thinking that this will probably be the last time I work here."

"Me too," said Sarah, "College starts in a couple weeks and even though its only 30 minutes away, I've decided not to work this semester. I can't wait."

"Really? Eager to get back to school?"

"Well, I haven't seen my boyfriend all summer. That's what I'm eager about. If I don't see a naked man soon, I'm going to burst!"

Amy laughed. "Right there with you kiddo."

"Speaking of which," said Sarah, "have you read any of this authors books? Man, are they raunchy! Her women don't go ten minutes without seeing a naked man."

Amy laughed again. "I guess I'll have to pick one up."

At that moment Dan walked up with a coke and handed it to Amy. "Hi," he said, "I know you like to start your shift with a beverage."

Sarah snorted. "Um, I'd like a beverage, too."

Dan ignored this and then told Sarah to set up the folding chairs for the event.

As she walked away, Sarah turned to Amy and told her to enjoy that beverage.

Amy took a long sip and sighed, "same old same old..."

The store was long and over crowded. It literally had a bargain basement for used books, and all the way in the back was an area that they used for events.

Normally it had five tables stacked with books, but all the tables were on wheels and could be easily moved. Sarah went to work, pushing four of the tables up against a side wall. The fifth table was emptied and staged for the night's event. She then set up as many chairs as she could fit in the space, which was about thirty. She picked up one of the authors books and flipped through it. "Amazing," she thought, "I just flip to any page and it's a description of a group of women scheming to get a man out of his clothes."

She held the place with her finger and walked back over to Amy. "Here," she said, read this part."

Amy did, and found that she enjoyed what she was reading.

An hour later, Dan was pacing. "Where is she, its almost 8:00, she was supposed to be here no later than 7:00!" She knows we close at 9:00pm!"

"Isn't she notorious for being late?" Sarah asked.

"Yes, which is why I scheduled this for 7:00 instead of 8:00. She swore to me that she would be on time."

"You better say something to the crowd, they are getting a little restless."

Dan looked over at the thirty or so ladies sitting in the folding chairs. They were indeed looking at their watches and shooting him dirty looks.

"Listen, Ms. Love's number is back on my desk. You go call her and get a firm arrival time. Meanwhile I'll tap dance one more time"

As Sarah went off to make her call, she ran into Amy.

"This could get ugly. You might have to crack some skulls."

Amy decided to wander over and see how Dan was doing.

"I know I said that before, but I'm sure she'll be here any moment," Dan said.

"It's getting close to closing time," one of the ladies said. "Are you going to remain open?"

"Well, um I guess we could stay after closing if necessary."

Just then, Sarah walked up to Amy and said, "Not good. I just talked to Ms. Love. She is drunk off her butt and says she can't possibly be here before 10:00. I'd better tell Dan."

Sarah started to walk over to where Dan was addressing the ladies when Amy called her back. "Sarah," she said. "Are you up for some fun?"

"Always," said Sarah.

"Then go tell Dan that you talked to Ms. Love and she is on her way and should be here in ten minutes."

Sarah relayed this message to Dan, who sighed with relief and then relayed it to the crowd.

In the meantime, Amy had a discussion with one of the customers, a regular that she had gotten to know pretty well. The woman stifled a laugh as she looked over at Dan and nodded her head vigorously.

Twenty minutes later, the store was closed. The only people left in the building were Dan, Amy, Sarah (who had volunteered to stay) and thirty not very happy women.

"This is nuts" said the woman who had spoken with Amy earlier and got up to leave. "I'll be calling the owner in the morning to register my complaint!"

A couple more ladies looked like they were going to follow suit.

Dan was in a panic. The owner had gotten on him lately about his attitude, and a flood of calls tomorrow complaining about this non-event might do him in.

"Wait, wait," he said. I'm sure she'll be here any minute."

"What's in it for us," the same lady shouted.

"Well, um, ..."

At this point Amy stepped in. "Ladies, the author is on her way. If Dan says she'll be here any minute, she'll be here any minute. As a matter of fact if she's not here in fifteen minutes Dan will take off a piece of clothing. As a matter of fact, he'll take something off every fifteen minutes that go by that the author is not sitting at this table signing books."

"Now you're talking," said the lady who had gotten up to leave and she promptly sat back down.

Dan started to protest, but quickly calculated that after an hour he'd only have lost his shoes and socks and said, "why not."

"We need some rules," said another woman, and as if reading Dan's mind, added, "shoes and socks count as one item each."

That still bought him thirty minutes before it could get embarrassing and according to Sarah, Ms. Love would be here any minute.

"Sure," said Dan.

"And once they're off they stay off," said another woman as the crowd was getting into it.

"You bet," said Dan relieved, that everyone was in a better mood and hopefully there would be no complaints tomorrow.

Amy and Sarah couldn't believe how this was going. Sarah was quick to figure out that Amy was setting Dan up to fail, but both were pleasantly surprised to see Dan helping them humiliate him!

The first woman, who had gotten up to leave now called out "so take the shoes off already."

"No," said Dan, "it hasn't been 15 minutes yet."

At this point, Sarah, sidled up to Dan and said, "I just heard knocking at the front door,

I'll go let in the author. Why don't you humor the crowd and take your shows off."

"Sure," said Dan, relieved that this was all over.

Amy walked to the front with Sarah, both knowing perfectly well that there was no one at the door.

"Oh God, Thank You Amy," said Sarah, "this is so much fun! Do you really think we can get him to strip all the way?"

"I didn't really think so at first, but he seems like he really wants to keep these ladies happy."

"He does! He does! That's it Amy. I over heard him on the phone the other day saying that he was worried about his job, something about another customer complaint. That's why he wants these women happy!"

"So our job is to keep them just a little unhappy," said Amy with a grin. "Let me out for a second, will you? I want to ditch the uniform and get a few things out of my car."

Amy walked over to her car, unbuttoning her uniform and pulling her hair out of the tight bun she always had it in. "Well your not bored now," she said to herself as she hopped in the back seat of her car wriggled out of her pants and zipped up a cute little skirt she kept back there for after work bar hopping. Up top it was a simple matter of just taking off the uniform blouse to reveal a little spaghetti strap number. She then proceeded to the trunk to grab a few things that she thought might come in handy.

When she came back to the door, Sarah said, "wow, you look...wow."

Dan was wondering what was keeping them. How long does it take to open a freakin' door? He was going to have to give Sarah yet another one of his patented speeches on being a grown up and taking responsibility. He liked bossing Sarah around, but he had to be careful, he knew that she was one of the owners favorites and he, unfortunately, was not.

"15 minutes!" one of the women shouted.

Dan looked at his watch. By his watch it had only been eleven or twelve and he was about to protest when he saw Sarah rounding the corner with the author.

"Okay," he smiled, "I guess the socks are coming off too!"

Again, relieved that this was all over Dan tried to make a show of removing his socks,

even twirling them before flinging them to the ground. He received some scattered applause. Relieved, he turned to greet his author.

"Sorry," Sarah said, "false alarm."

Dan was confused. What did she mean false alarm? Wasn't this the author...Holy Crap was that Amy!?

"You look, um, ugh, wow."

"Well thanks, Lil' Abner, you're looking pretty relaxed yourself," Amy said, looking down at Dan's feet.

Dan followed her gaze and realized that he actually felt a little exposed...

It suddenly dawned on Dan that he was in trouble again. In less than 15 minutes he would have to take off, he did a quick inventory, belt, shirt, tee shirt, pants, and underwear. If she wasn't here within the hour, he could be down to his underwear!!

He started to panic now. He had put on a brave front, but he was really really shy when it came to nudity. Even with his girlfriend they tended to get undressed in the dark or under the sheets. But it would be okay. He'd have Sarah call again. They must be lost, butthey couldn't be too far.

Sarah did call and Ms. Love was surprised to hear that people were still waiting.

"Just cancel it darlin', we'll do it another time."

Now it was Sarah's turn to panic. If Ms. Love didn't show, this really could get out of control. She decided honesty was the best policy and told the author exactly what was happening. Ms. Love let out a shriek of laughter and said, "we can be there in ten minutes." Just then Sarah heard someone yell out "15 minutes" and watched as Dan, head bowed took off his belt. "Make it sixteen minutes", Sarah said with a smile.

Ms. Love laughed and said "I hear ya darlin'" and hung up the phone.

Dan ran up to Sarah and said "Well, well!?"

"Whoa," said Sarah, "Keep your shirt on. Oh, sorry...She was going to cancel,

but I told her about your dilemma and she took pity on you. She's on the way."

"I keep hearing that," he said. "I need her here now!"

Amy came over and asked if everything was okay.

"NO," Dan yelled, and then caught himself as others turned his way.

"Look Dan," Amy said, "Sarah and I are on your side here. We will do our best to make sure nothing bad happens to you. Now you might as well resign yourself to the fact that your shirt is coming off, but with luck that will be it and you'll still have your t-shirt, pants and underwear on. That is I assume your wearing underwear."

"Ignoring Amy's little jab, Dan asked, "what do you mean "with luck? She'll be here in a few minutes and then I'm done."

"Well," said Amy, drawing it out, like it pained her to say what was coming next. "That's what I was just saying to the crowd before I walked over here, but they insist that it's not over until Ms. Love is actually sitting in her chair ready to talk and do her Q & A."

Dan was about to protest, but Amy put a finger to his lips and said, "Don't worry, as soon as she gets here Sarah and I will get her into that seat."

"Oh God," Dan said, "thank you guys so much."

"No problem," Sarah said, trying to look serious, "we're here for you pal."

"You look a little green," said Amy. "Why don't you go to the bathroom and splash a little water on our face?"

Dan agreed and walked off. They watched as he trudged over to the bathroom in his bare feet. As soon as he disappeared behind the door, they broke into loud peels of laughter, high fived and fist bumped.

"Now," Said Amy, you go wait at the door and explain to Ms. Love that she cannot sit in that chair right away and I'll go 'remind' the ladies of the decision they made a few minutes ago."

With that she gave Sarah a wink and was off.

Dan walked into the bathroom and let out a moan. What, he wondered, was happening?

Then he heard laughter. He thought it sounded like Amy and Sarah, but that didn't make sense. Maybe the author had arrived! Maybe it was 'yeah she's here' laughter. He sure hoped so, because he couldn't take much more of this. In some ways it was just too familiar. His thoughts drifted back to high school...

One night, he had gone to a party with three of his friends. They didn't know a sole there, except for the girl who had invited them, a friend of Dan's from summer camp. His friends wanted to leave immediately, but Dan didn't want to be rude. They kept whining and he kept insisting that they stay. At one point, he went to the bathroom and when he came back, his friends were nowhere to be found. Soon after, he noticed that the girl he knew had disappeared as well. Probably making out in the bushes he thought—a pretty good guess since that's what a lot of people were doing.

It wasn't all bad, however. He started talking to the prettiest girl there and they really hit it off. She was laughing at everything he said...loudly. Some guys started giving him dirty looks. He found out later that this was the head cheerleader who was dating the football team's star player. She loved to make him jealous and watch him beat the crap out of guys. Yeah, she was nuts. Fortunately, he was on probation for a previous fight or two and had to keep his fists at bay. Still, he approached Dan with a couple of his buddies, also on probation for fighting, and asked him who the hell he was and why he was there.

Dan stuttered out who he was and made the crucial error of mentioning which high school he went to, a high school who's football team, the Rams had beaten their team, the Cougars 62 to 0. Upon hearing this, the guys huddled up—yes they really huddled up—and discussed their options.

Dan thought about running, but running where? He didn't have a car, didn't know this neighborhood, where would he go?

He should have run.

After breaking huddle (with a clap), they approached Dan and told him that they had decided to make him an honorary member of their team, but first they would have to wash off the stink of his high school. With that, two guys grabbed hold of either arm while the star player reappeared holding a garden hose which a fourth guy turned on. They proceeded to spray Dan from head to toe, again and again. After a few minutes, just long enough for everyone who was inside to saunter out and for everyone who was in the bushes to reluctantly gather around.

It was at this point that the captain made a big show of sniffing the air and then wrinkling his nose, announcing that the stink was still there. One of the guys sniffed Dan and said that he smelled fine. Another boy did the same and agreed. It was decided that Dan smelled fine; it was the clothes that reeked. And with that, to the delight of the crowd, Dan's clothes were stripped off. The guys laughed and announced that Dan was now an honorary member of the team. Just then, the cheerleader, the girl Dan had been flirting with, suggested that he didn't look like football player material, and here she paused and took a good long look, but more like cheerleader material! At this point someone yelled out, "cheers, cheers, cheers" until everyone was chanting it. Dan looked for the girl who had invited him for support, but when he caught sight of her, she was chanting along with everyone else. Finally, pom-poms were produced and Dan was coached in the fine art of cheerleading, and sprayed with the hose when he didn't show the proper enthusiasm. Finally, he was tied to a tree and everyone rated his performance...with a sharpie...

Dan shuddered and splashed more water on his face. He took small comfort in knowing that whatever happened tonight, it couldn't possibly be that bad.

Just then, as if to challenge that thought, there was a knock on the bathroom door.

"15 minutes, we're going to need that shirt."

Dan opened the door and found two of the ladies there, hands outstretched.

"Oh and your author just arrived" one of them said.

"Can I at least keep my shirt on until I've greeted her?"

The ladies looked at each other. "Well, I guess if you give us the t-shirt instead, that will be alright."

"Great. Thanks. I really appreciate that." Dan unbuttoned his shirt and handed it to one of the ladies who held it up like you would a coat that you were going to help someone into.

Just seeing that gave Dan the confidence to pull off his t-shirt, which was promptly snatched out of his hands. He raised his arm to slide it back into his shirt, when the woman lowered it and said, "oh darn, I just remembered the rule, 'once they're off they stay off.'"

With that they giggled and ran off with their new trophies.

Dan just stood there, stunned.

Sarah was a little taken aback as she opened the door for Ms. Love. She knew that she travelled with her friend Ms. Foster, but there were two more ladies, really pretty ladies. They were kind of twins. That is they were both tall, one had black hair the other blonde.