2023/10/31 - Karen Coe, P.I. Ch. 01

"The next day there was news about a third bombing and the police found me on my iPhone and told me it was Jason. I was suddenly hit by a wave of revulsion for Antonio and for myself. I practically threw the money I'd made whoring over the last few days in his face and told him I had to go. We both thought Jason would be dead by the time I got there or maybe hours later. The phone call I'd got gave me little encouragement. When I got back and saw what was left of Jason, I started to feel remorse. But it was still mixed with some of the feelings of wanting him gone. I was in transition, so I hadn't fully settled on one opinion or sentiment. I was a mess. I had to deal with Jason's parents who were at the hospital. I had to play the concerned wife. And some of the concern was genuine. Just some."

"And I called my sister and told her what had happened. I called my parents and had a few chats with them. Then the next day was the Voight bombing. I overheard two hospital employees discussing it and found out about the Voight children. That was my mental break. I collapsed when I heard it and all the conflicts in my mind went away. I was horrified with myself and furious with Antonio. The wiretap recording of my last call to him made that clear. I yelled at him and swore at him and cursed the day I'd met him and cursed allowing myself to get roped into such a scheme. I suddenly saw myself for the evil person that I was. I had given the whole thing my blessing. I never tried to talk Antonio out of it. All I wanted was my fun and my freedom, and I didn't want to know if people had to die so that I could keep on screwing strangers. I just didn't care."

"I have had plenty of time since the murders to evaluate who and what I am. I am evil. I am the worst kind of evil. You won't see it by looking at me. I was a good girl and a good woman. And if you don't know who I am and don't know what I've done, you would never think I am bad just to look at me. It has been said that for evil to triumph, good people have to do nothing. I was once good. I did nothing to stop this. And so I have allowed evil to win."

"It is no good to say I have learned my lesson and that I am now good again. I was good before. Evil lurks in us all and truly good people have good consciences that restrain that evil. Society cannot take a chance with me. I can look good and act good but who knows when the next Antonio Soares will pop up in my life and bring my evil back to the surface. No, my evil is the worst kind, always lurking, always disguised. I have no value to society. Even at my best I was passive and contributed nothing. At my worst, I am toxic, a pestilence, a cancer. I need to be destroyed."

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All executions conducted by the Federal criminal justice system take place at the US Penitentiary at Terre Haute, Indiana. It is where the bomber Timothy McVeigh was executed. In addition to the general prison population, there is also a death row. But Terre Haute was set up for male prisoners only. So having a woman sentenced to die by the Feds meant that special arrangements needed to be made. All the facilities for women in the federal prison system are low-to-medium security facilities, so not suited to serve as a temporary death row. Antonio Soares went to Terre Haute's death row. Deena Brenner was brought to an area of the prison capable of being modified into a segregated female-only death row.

Her sister Carrie visited a few days prior to her execution date to say goodbye. Deena asked whether their parents had any last messages. Carrie looked down sadly. They already regarded her as dead. They never mentioned her and they forbade any mention of her. Deena gave her a message to bring to them. "Carrie, after I'm dead, tell them I don't blame them for turning their backs on me. I deserve it. Tell them I'm so sorry for the shame and heartbreak I brought them. And that I will always love them, from wherever I am. Them and you, Carrie, them and you."

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"Good morning Deena."

"Jason this is a surprise. I didn't think I'd ever get to see you to apologize in person."

"I'm not thrilled about being here, Deena, but, well, not to be too blunt about it, tonight's the night from what they're telling me. I envisioned waking up tomorrow morning after you were dead and I imagined how I'd feel if I'd missed the only chance I'd ever have to talk to you again."

"I can understand that. This is making me nervous, too, but I'll go to my death with a bit more, oh I don't know, closure? But, how are you doing, Jason?"

"The main reason I came is to let you know exactly how I'm doing. You may look at this as a chance for closure. Hell, I guess I do, too. But I'm not looking to give you comfort. I don't think you deserve comfort. This is more to comfort me. So.... you ask me how I'm doing. In short, I'm maimed inside and out. I still hobble around on this cane. My body hurts when the weather changes. The shrapnel perforated my intestine and.... here, let me show you."

Jason lifted his shirt and showed her the colostomy port in his scarred abdomen.

"I crap into a bag now. I empty it when it gets full. I hurt when I roll over in bed, so I don't sleep more than two hours at a stretch, but it's usually only 30 minutes. The scarring on my face will cost a fortune to fix. And 'fix' is only a relative term. It will never be made right. The muscular and nerve damage to my face means that this weird leer that passes for a smile is the best I'll ever look. I'll never have a romantic life again. A new woman would need to look past my damaged face to date me, and would need to look past my bag to want any intimacy with me. And any hopes of me ever trusting a woman again enough to get emotionally invested are pretty much a non-starter. My spirit is crushed. In the span of a handful of weeks, I went from what I thought was a happy marriage to a wife who left me and tried to kill me. The people you killed were spared what I suffer. There's a saying about the people who would survive a nuclear war, that The Living Will Envy The Dead. So when you ask how I am, there's your answer."

"I never heard that one about the living envying the dead. That's the kind of thing you'd know... you were always the smart one, Jason."

"Not when it comes to picking a wife I wasn't, Deena."

"I know. Everything about me turned out to be a mistake"

"Actually, things were good to a point, then you met that asshole and you made a bunch of mistakes."

"Jason, I torment myself about this constantly. Before I met Soares I was not all that restless, just maybe a little bored like any other spouse, but I was not looking for anything remotely like what I got myself into. Talk about mistakes. Once I got involved with him, I signed my own death warrant. Execution if I got caught by the law, or murdered by him in Brazil if I escaped the law. I'm such an idiot. What I wouldn't give right now to have that boring life back again. But you have a life, Jason. I understand that you have pain, in your body and in your heart, but after tonight, you will still have life and I won't. Live it, baby. The best you can. Don't let my insanity conquer you."

"I have no life left. I may still draw breath but that's not what I call living. And I won't go on living this way. I will not kill myself while my parents are still alive, but I have already bought the gun. What value is this kind of life? I will never love or trust or connect with another human. I jump whenever I hear a loud noise. I stopped working because I can't start up a vehicle. I have already sold my business and all the business assets. I live a reclusive life, I sleep on a couch I bought for the den. I haven't slept in the bed we once shared, or even stepped foot in the bedroom. Everything that reminds me of you is packed into boxes and stored in the garage. That's my life, Deena. Believe me, death can't come fast enough for me."

Deena wiped away a tear.

Jason went on, "I haven't divorced you, in case you haven't been keeping track of that detail. Hell, after tonight I'm going to be widowed anyway, so there was no point. Besides, I didn't want you to get half of everything in a divorce, only to have your family inherit it upon your execution. They were never my biggest fans to begin with, so I felt no charity for them beyond feeling bad for them having to go through the drama of all your shit. So, all the joint assets will be mine once you die. When I kill myself, my siblings. will get it all. My nieces and nephews will be taken care of. My will is already set up like that."

"Baby, please, I beg you... go on with your life, don't let me and Soares steal that from you."

"Deena, I have lost everything that meant anything to me. And you want to call me Baby. I'll bet you called that asshole Baby. I'll bet when you were whoring out that ass of yours, you called your customers Baby."

"All true, I'm ashamed to say. I'm so sorry. The word used to mean something special. But it's true that any guy who stuck his dick into me got called Baby. I can see how you'd take it as an insult, and I don't blame you. Just one of many things I'm sorry about... Jason."

"Deena, I'm sorry, too. I failed you as a husband for you to have felt the need to turn to Soares. And to drive you into Prostitution!"

"Yes, I started as a high-end escort believe it or not. By the time I ran off to Miami I had turned into a common whore, working in a barroom, turning tricks in the backs of cars. I was a whore. I was a lot of things. I was a fucking monster. I killed six innocent people, three of them babies. I all but killed you. But don't apologize to me. It was all my fault. I'm definitely going to hell."

"Well, Deena, I will ultimately see you in hell since suicide is a sin. But until that day, I will see you tonight."

"You are going to watch my execution?"

"I certainly am. I watched Antonio Soares' execution last night."

Deena gasped and sat there silently for a moment.

"You had no idea? Hell, Deena, don't they tell you anything in here?"

"No, I had no idea," she said somberly. Execution just got real there and then.

"Yeah, I sat next to Tyler Voight and members of his family and members of the Shah and Hopwood families. Even Hopwood's ex-wife was there. You should have heard her cry. They had still loved each other and had been trying to reconcile. We all witnessed the whole thing. I sat with them until they pronounced Soares dead. I guess we all needed to be sure he was really dead. I don't know, it made us feel safer to know there was one less monster among us. Oh well, on that note, I guess this is where I say goodbye, Deena."

Deena sniffled, "Then I guess I'll see you tonight, Jason?"

"Um, no you won't, Deena. It's a one way mirror. We will all see you, though. When you're lying there on the gurney just look at the large window-sized mirror in the death chamber and know that we will all be on the other side watching until we're sure you are dead."

"Thank you Jason, just knowing you are there will make me feel like I'm not alone when the end comes. It will feel like you are there with me till the very end. It's more comfort than I deserve, but I will find it where I can."

"Well, that's not why I'm doing it Deena, but I guess we will each get something from it that we need. Oh! My time is up the guard is saying, so goodbye Deena."

Suddenly Deena's composure broke. She would not see him again. This man she had once loved and then had tried to kill and had otherwise treated shabbily. And now she loved him with the desperation of the condemned. She was suddenly gripped by a compulsion to cling to him anyway she could. They were not allowed to touch each other, but she wished she could throw herself at his feet and cling to his ankles so he couldn't leave. She couldn't bear the thought that she would go to her death unloved.

"Oh please baby, I'm scared! I know I've deserve everything I've got coming to me, but please don't leave me. I'm so scared, oh Jason, baby. I know I won't find peace if I don't tell you before I die. I'm sorry. To you and everybody but especially to you. I love you. You don't want to hear that and you won't trust or believe me but I have nothing to gain or lose by lying. So know that I love you. I lost sight of that and got real stupid. You were the best thing that ever happened to me, and I took it for granted. I knew I was sliding off in a bad direction and got angry at myself but I took my anger out on you and it got worse and worse and finally I decided I was too embarassed to face you any more and that you should just disappear. I can't believe I did that. I had loved you so much when we first met and when we first married and I just got bored like every couple does at some point."

"Instead of working on fixing things, I got stupid, and numbed my pain with flattery, booze, drugs and sex. I used the excitement of a new life to distract me, and my bad behaviour just continued to spiral. I can't believe that I am the same girl who used to hold your hand and cuddle with you and make love to you and talk about having babies with you. I have destroyed so much, people, lives, hopes, plans, and dreams. I'm so sorry and if the next world allows me to, I'll make every effort to keep on loving you from there. Oh God here comes the guard, I'm so scared, please baby... I don't deserve it but try to forgive me. Not for me because it won't matter to me after tonight, but for yourself, don't carry the poison of hate, forgive me for you."

"Maybe after you're gone, Deena, I'll find a way to forgive."

"Jason, That's all I ask. That and please don't die. I beg you to triumph over this. No suicide, please no suicide."

"Goodbye Deena. God be with you."

Then Deena lost all control, and wept hysterically "Goodbye Jason... my love... I'm so sorry... Oh please don't take me away. I need to say things.... Jason baby please don't leave, don't let them take me away, I'm so scared baby oh Jason I love you baby I was so bad to you but I love you and I will forever... no no please...."

"Goodbye Deena."

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"I appreciate you being honest with me Karen. You could just as easily have lied to me. But my policy is plain and simple. I'm less interested what the cards say. I'm more interested that you've put all your cards on the table."

"Clark, I will always be totally honest with you. I have no shortage of vices, but I'm not a liar. I'm not wired that way. But I'm in a real strange place right now. We can both safely say we are hot for each other and we seem to like each other, I mean, am I wrong? We both feel something for each other?"

"I definitely do, I know that much, but I understand how you are. Once again thanks for being honest about that. I'd like to make you mine, but I get the feeling you don't really want to be anybody's."

"Now look here, Professor, I'm not a piece of property. I'm not interested in being anybody's anything."

"Karen, don't hide behind semantic games. That may not be dishonest but it sure is disingenuous. If we were talking about slavery then, yes, you being mine would be a one-way street. But we are talking about my feelings for you. In that case you belonging to me is a two-way street because I would also belong to you. That's an equal arrangement."

She threw herself into his arms and trembled, "How could a guy like you ever be content to commit yourself to a girl like me. I'm damaged goods. Once you see the real me, you'll be gone."

"Karen, I'll give you what you give me. When I say equal I mean equal. If you give me half of you, I won't commit any more of myself than that. If you give me 100%. then I'm all in. You decide."

"Baby, you know what I'm afraid of, so I'm not gonna beat around the bush. I can't promise that I'll never stray. I can try my best. I can be good to you 364 days of the year and then find myself slipping up on day 365. Then what? I'll tell you what. You'll tell me I broke my promise. So I don't make promises."

"I think we've already had this conversation. You're free to date around. I'll see you from time to time."

Karen sniffled, "I don't want that."

"Of course not. You want me to be there for you whenever and wherever. And then you want to go off whenever and wherever. You want it both ways. Okay. I understand. This is just too hard for you. Goodbye Karen."