A Beauteous Flower Ch. 18

"Daniel, I want you to know I love you."

"Thank you," Daniel nodded appreciatively.

"No, I mean it. I love you. I don't want you to ever forget that."

Daniel narrowed an eye at her.

"Alright. I have to admit though, now you have me worried. Have you got something to tell me?"

"I don't mean to. Make you worried I mean. I just want you to know I love you."

"Then what are we talking about?"

Madison thought for a minute. That was a good question. Just what were they talking about? After she spoke to Diane something began to roll around in Madison's head and she decided it was best if she just came out with it.

"Daniel, do you believe me when I say I love you?"

Now Daniel arched his eyebrow at her, so Madison tried to explain further.

"I mean when I say 'I love you', does it make you feel loved?"

"You think it doesn't?"

Madison eyes welled and her throat constricted, which made her next sentence sound a bit sobby.

"Because of what I did. The party. I'm afraid that you don't think I love you."

Daniel shook his head a bit.

"What are you driving at, Madison."

"Daniel when I tell you I love you, I want you to believe it. Not in your head, but way down deep in your heart. I want you to feel it and I want it to make you feel as good as your love makes me feel."

Daniel's arched eyebrow returned.

"I know you love me, if that's what you mean."

An ugly "boo hoo" rose in her chest, but Madison forced it down.

"Daniel if I don't make you feel loved you need to tell me that."

"OK? I told you I know it."

"But I don't know, Daniel. It's always very hard for me to tell what you're feeling, and lately we've been so distant."

"Madison if this is about sex... I guess..."

"No! It's NOT about sex!" Madison cried as she stood. "This is about you, Daniel! What you feel! It's about how I make you feel and not in some sexual way! I want to make you feel amazing and lucky and safe and secure and cared for and heard and special and all the good things you make me feel! It's so important to me that I make you feel those things!"

Daniel blinked, so Madison faced the fire and hugged herself.

"I'm afraid you don't. Because of what I did."

Daniel got up and placed a gentle hand on her shoulder.

"Madison, I know you love me. We just need time."

"Is that true, Daniel? Is that all we need? Time? Because I'm not so sure that's all we need."

"What else could we need?"

Madison turned to Daniel.

"We need to work though this, Daniel. Tell me what's going on inside you. Show me where it hurts so I can make it better!"

Daniel's brow knit.

"Well, what about your feelings? We haven't discussed that, have we? Tell me what you feel Madison."

"Guilt. Shame. But mostly fear, Daniel! I'm scared! I'm scared all the time now! Scared that I've hurt you so bad you can't forgive me! Scared that our marriage is over before it really began! Scared that we'll never have a family, never watch our kids grow up, and I fear that when I'm old you won't be there! Scared that I can't reach you! I'm scared, Daniel! I'm so scared and I don't know what to do about it!"

Madison's composure cracked and tears leaked out of her eyes. Daniel pulled her close to him and let her sniffle into his chest.

"I just want things between us to get better!"

"They will get better," Daniel assured her. "I promise."

"Really?"

Daniel kissed her forehead.

"Really, really."

Her last gambit had not worked. She had begged him to let her in and Daniel had used his old trick once again. As elusive and enigmatic as ever, he had answered her question with a question to divert the conversation away from himself. There was nothing left to do but fight and Madison knew that when she opened fire, she would have to be extra tenacious to get through Daniel's emotional defenses. But that would wait for tomorrow night. She needed this night near Daniel in case this was the last night.

"Let me stay here tonight, Daniel." Madison requested timidly. "Let me stay here with you. No sex, I promise. Just let me stay in case.... I just need to be close to you tonight. OK?"

Daniel's eyes narrowed, but he didn't ask the question. Instead, he nodded.

"OK. I think Gandalf will be glad for someone else's company. You mind if I get a little more work done?"

"No."

"Lie down on the sofa with Gandalf and I'll be done soon. Then I'll rub your neck, OK?"

"OK."

Madison curled up on the sofa under a pair of big fuzzy blankets and soaked up the warmth of the fire. Finally, she had escaped the autumn chill and Gandalf lay with her and purred a lullaby. Daniel sat at the desk and resumed his work. For about an hour, she watched through sleepy eyes as he frowned at the screen and scribbled notes on three different pads. Sweat formed on his brow and he chewed his bottom lip in concentration. It was a crystalline focus, and suddenly Madison had a thousand questions, but she didn't want to interrupt him. When he leaned back with his chin in his hand, Madison spoke up.

"What are you doing?" Madison in the small whisper she used to wake him while he slept.

Daniel started and looked up. Had he forgotten she was there?

"I'm... I'm writing."

"What are the pads for?"

Daniel looked a little guarded for a moment, but then relented.

"I keep track of what I need to research on this pad. I keep track of dialogue on this pad, and I keep track of character traits and development on this pad. And I type the story up here on the computer."

"That seems like a lot of work."

Daniel smirked.

"It's easy to write. Just sit in front of your typewriter and bleed."

"What?"

"Ernest Hemmingway."

"Who?"

"He's an author."

"Oh."

"Good writing is honest, hard work. Actually, good writing is just honest."

Daniel paused their banter as he scribbled some notes on one of the pads.

"Why do you do that?" Madison asked.

"To keep the story straight and on track," Daniel explained with another scribble. "Otherwise, it might wander and lose its direction."

"Huh?"

Daniel sat up and explained.

"I don't always know how things are going to end when I write a story. In fact, most of the time I don't. I might think I know, but then as I write I find out I didn't know. So, I keep notes as I go to make sure things stay consistent, no matter where the story goes."

"I have no idea what you mean."

Daniel chuckled and a glint of passion showed in his eyes, like he was actually glad to talk about his work. Madison wondered if this was the first time that he had ever spoken to someone about how he worked. Not a crowd, but a single person. Madison got a lucky little glow in her heart at the sight.

"Well let me put it this way. Fiction, which I write, is a made-up story. It's a lie that I tell my readers and the hardest thing to do when you lie is stay consistent. In order for my readers to believe my lie, I have to stay consistent with my lie."

"You lie to your readers?"

"Constantly." Daniel smirked.

"But you said that good writing is honest."

"That's true."

"Then which is it; a lie or the truth?"

Daniel pondered her question for a moment, and idly scratched at his chin.

"Neil Gaiman said it best. He called fiction a lie that tells the truth."

Madison tried to work that out in her head, but she was too warm and too tired. Something else tugged at her brain as she looked at Daniel through bleary eyes.

"Daniel?"

"Yes, Madison."

"Are you telling me a story?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean you're not lying to me, are you?"

"About what?"

"About us?"

Daniel knelt next to the sofa and took her hand in his.

"I love you, Madison. Do you believe it?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

Madison placed Daniel's hand over her heart.

"Because I feel it. Right here."

"Then you know I'm not just telling a story. We are the story."

Daniel smirked warmly and soothed her.

"I'll tell you what. I'm about done over there." Daniel nodded towards his desk. "Let me go save my work and then we can get some sleep. You want to upgrade your neck rub to little spoon time?

Madison glowed.

"Yes, please."

"Just a minute then."

A few moments later Daniel spooned Madison and wrapped his arms around her. Cocooned in the warmth of the fire, the blankets and Daniel's body Madison sighed contentment. For the moment she had Daniel again, her sweet, quiet Daniel. At least for one more night. Madison cast aside her worries about the future and closed her eyes to savor the moment.

"Daniel?"

"Yes?"

"How does our story end?

Daniel kissed her ear and whispered.

"And they lived happily ever after."

"You promise?"

"If you wish as hard as you can with all your heart."

So Madison did.

"Good night, Daniel," she whispered after her wish.

"Good night, Madison."

And she fell fast asleep in Daniel's arms.

*****

The fire burned in dark red coals when she woke, but Madison was still toasty warm, and swaddled tight against Daniel's body. It was the most pleasant start to a day she could recall in a long time, so Madison shut her eyes and willed herself back to sleep so she could wake up and experience it again. Unfortunately, the birds chirped outside the window, so sleep dissipated with the sunrise.

Behind her Daniel still slept, and for Madison this was a long missed, sweet blessing. His quiet presence, his warmth and his gentlemanly snore were nectar. If she could have frozen time at that moment, she would have gladly done it, but no matter how she squeezed her eyes, the clock on the mantle continued to tick. A seed of dread told her that the peace of this moment had to end so that she could rescue a future full of these moments.

It was finally Friday, the day of the biggest gamble of her life. Either she and Daniel would come out on the other side stronger than ever, or their marriage would end in divorce. While she hoped for the former, she dreaded the latter and while she lay next to Daniel on that autumn morning, she asked herself if she really wanted to take that risk.

She could do nothing and just hope Daniel drifted back to her. Hadn't they made progress in the last couple of days? She had awakened in his arms. It couldn't be much longer before they began to make love again and they might live a long, polite life together. That didn't sound so bad. Not too bad at all when compared to divorce.

But it wouldn't be right. She would always wonder if Daniel felt she loved him and she hated the idea that she might curse him to a life where he never felt loved even if that life was with her. She drew such warmth and strength from him. Didn't he deserve that from her?

No, Cassidy was right. A life like that could only lead to resentment and hatred, and if she had to lose Daniel, better sooner rather than later. The idea of a life without Daniel tied her stomach in knots, but to consign Daniel to a life of emotional purgatory made her feel sick as well. She had to go through with this and pray for the result she hoped for. Madison sighed resignation and tried to lose herself in Daniel's embrace as she had when she first awoke, but that moment was gone in the flutter of fear.

Daniel must have felt her movements because he came awake in a start. For a moment he seemed confused, and Madison felt him lift his head to look around the cabin. She shut her eyes and feigned sleep in the hope that he would settle back to sleep so she didn't have to start this day and follow it to the conclusion. However, Daniel nibbled her ear and whispered her name and Madison flinched and gave the fact she was already awake.

"Morning," Daniel rumbled in her ear in that sleepy voice that always stuck the chords of desire in her. He stroked Madison's hair and kissed the back of her head and Madison took the chance to snuggle into his body to try and tease him. For a moment she thought Daniel ground against her, but then he sat up and rubbed his stubbled face, stepped over her and got up. Gandalf wound around Daniel's legs as Daniel stooped to pet him. Madison's heart sank a little as she watched Daniel move farther and farther away. Would this be the last time she woke up in his arms?

"You hungry?" Daniel asked her. The sleepy rumble had cleared from his voice and the spell of the warm cocoon faded away. Madison sat up like a condemned prisoner the morning the executioner came around.

"No, not really," she piped in voice the belied her melancholy thoughts. "Besides I need to go to town. I've got a hair and nail appointment. We've got a big date tonight and I want to look hot."

Daniel crouched down before her and his smirk made her heart flutter.

"Trust me. You're hot. 6:30 PM pick up time?"

Madison reached out and put her hand on his face.

"Don't keep me waiting."

"I wouldn't dare."

"Good," she said and gave his face a good-natured pat.

While Daniel folded the blankets and stoked up the fire, Madison stood. Gandalf cried hungrily so Madison found a can of food and fed him. For a few minutes it was comfortable and polite between them, and Madison's doubts rushed forward again.

"Daniel?"

"Yes?"

"I love you."

"I love you too, Madison."

"I'm going to hold you to that."

Madison stood on her toes and hugged Daniel fiercely. Then she pulled back and looked into his dusky green eyes and placed a gentle kiss on his lips.

"I'll see you tonight."

Daniel nodded and Madison sashayed out the door for him.

A couple of salon hours later, Madison headed home. Normally salon time put her in a festive mood. The self-confidence that came with the assurance that she was pretty usually made her jubilant, but not today. Today every mile she passed towards home added mass to a gloom of heavy apprehension. While the tide of anxiety rose in her chest, Madison made the last call on her list and dialed Cassidy's number. Madison kind of hoped for voicemail, but after a few rings, Cassidy answered.

"Hello, Madison."

"Hi, Cassidy. Thanks for picking up."

Cassidy skipped the intros.

"Big night tonight?"

"Yes, which is why I called."

"Couldn't get him to fuck you, eh?"

Madison flinched at Cassidy's perceptiveness.

"No. He wouldn't go for it."

"Looks like you have to fight him then."

Madison puffed out a slow sigh of resignation.

"Yes. Yes, it does."

"So why are you calling me?"

'Because I have a question for you. I'm afraid I know the answer, but I want to be sure."

"You want to know what you have to say to Daniel that will piss him off so bad that all of the emotions that he hides come out?"

Madison considered.

"I was just going to ask how to piss him off so that he'll fight with me."

"Same difference."

"I suppose so," conceded Madison. "Your way is a more poetic way to say it. Let's roll with that."

Cassidy giggled like a pixie.

"I'm more than just a pretty face."

"I agree."

"So, how are you going to get Daniel to show you the bad stuff? Well, there is only one sure fire way."

Madison braced herself.

"Compare him to Steve the Oaf."

Madison's heart dropped. She had feared that would be the answer, and even though she knew it when she called, she had hoped Cassidy would give her another idea. Yet there it was, out in the open light of day and unavoidable. Madison stayed silent.

"You'll have to tell him why you found Steve the Oaf attractive. Daniel has incessantly compared himself to Steve the Oaf anyway, and in Daniel's mind, he's lost in every category on the scorecard."

To Madison this sounded like a death sentence.

"So why were you attracted to Steve the Oaf?" Cassidy pressed.

"I don't know," evaded Madison.

"Oh, bullshit, Madison," Cassidy tutted. "Push yourself. If you want Daniel, then you have to give this to him."

"OK, OK. Fine. Steve the Oaf is so two dimensional I can see him coming a mile away and it won't hurt me if he gets hurt. And I don't think deserve anything better than that. There I said it. Are you happy?"

Cassidy paused.

"No, not really. That's pretty sad, Madison."

"No kidding," Madison agreed in her best sarcastic sneer.

"And so?"

"What do you mean, "and so"?"

"And so, Steve the Oaf is attractive to you because...?"

"Alright, fine," Madison huffed in exasperation. "I don't worry about a guy like Steve the Oaf because I can't hurt him. He's just a pretty picture without feelings. It's like being in love with a pair of shoes. He has no soul, so I can't injure him. I can just love the object for how it looks on me and I don't have to worry that the object will feel used or neglected."

"And Daniel is different because?"

"He's got a soul and I hurt it, and I might hurt it again and that just kills me inside. Steve the Oaf is what I deserve, not Daniel. Daniel is sweet and kind and thoughtful and selfless, and I love him in ways I could never feel about someone like Steve the Oaf, but I don't think I deserve Daniel. All he ever did to me was love me and I was careless and stupid, and I hurt him so badly...."

Madison's composure cracked and the road before her blurred with tears, Cassidy listened and thought for a moment.

"OK, but you can't say it like that."

"I know. I know."

"Well," said Cassidy. "That ought to do it."

"I'm still hoping for a fuck."

"You might get it, but it might happen after Daniel breaks your neck and fucks your dead body."

Madison blinked in surprise.

"You think it will be that bad?"

"No, I think it might be worse. I mean, image this scenario: He cries because you destroyed his soul and smashed his heart, and he does not hurt you back. Instead, he takes you in his arms and makes sweet love to you and declares his undying love. If you think you feel bad now... well, then...."

"Gee, thanks Cassidy. You made this sound a lot less appetizing."

"Hey, you called and asked."

"True."

They passed a half a mile in silence.

"Cassidy, I'm almost home. I need to go and get ready."

"OK. No prisoners and good luck."

"Thanks, 'bye."

Madison spent the rest of the day in her room. Her morning melancholy only grew as the Grandfather clock ticked on. Maybe Daniel was right about that clock all along. It did sound like the stroke of doom, especially after her conversation with Cassidy. Could she do this? Could she risk a future without Daniel? The idea made her heart quail in her chest and her breath short. Hopefully she would not be forced to make that choice and their relationship would not come down to a fight, but she feared that was exactly where they were headed.

Madison quivered with indecision. She could stop this. She didn't have to do it after all. Madison might live a long, quiet and polite life with Daniel before... before what? Is that what she really wanted? A superficial and friendly life here by the lake? It was the safe play.

Then Madison's very heart and sole recoiled in horror from that line of thought. If Madison had wanted the safe play, she could have picked a guy like Steve the Oaf and lived out the High School Girl fantasy with the quarterback. Madison knew how empty and vain that life was; a cold, pretty life of phony and fake and facade and loneliness. It would be hell on Earth for both her and Daniel, and she couldn't face it. Rather Madison yearned for Daniel and a life of fulfillment and joy; a warm, beautiful life of love, kindness and togetherness with her soulmate. For that life with Daniel she would risk everything and try anything, and if she couldn't have all of Daniel and what that relationship entailed, then she would rather set Daniel free. The chance at what they could be together in the future was worth the risk of losing what they were right now. She would much prefer the first route, but she steeled herself for the second and her decision was made and her course was set. Madison had secretly wished for a relationship like Cassidy described with someone like Daniel all her life. The culmination of all those wishes, her happily ever after, was right here in front of her, so she would fight; for herself, for Daniel, for them together forever. It didn't matter what it cost, or what Madison had to sacrifice to get it. It was all worth it.