A Brother's Love Ch. 03

She'd once been so at ease in his company, so happy and relaxed, where as now she barely looked at him when she spoke; when she did, she looked so strong and fierce, but her eyes were full of pain and he was sure that at any moment she might break apart in front of him.

Matt was having it worse than anyone; his persistent questions and worry were met with sudden bursts of anger and frustration; sometimes Kit would be downstairs with Bill and Maggie and Lena would be upstairs - alone as far as their foster parents were concerned -- and suddenly there was an outburst of "Leave me alone! You don't know what you're talking about! You act like you always know what's right for me and you don't! Go to hell!"

Bill and Maggie would dart worried glances at each other and Kit would promptly cover for her -- "On the phone...teenager's, eh?" - And they'd shake their heads, laugh a little and go back to whatever they were doing.

She seemed so desperately alone. It worried Kit; he hadn't seen her like this since she'd first arrived in their home as a twelve year old orphan, just weeks after loosing her family in a horrific car crash. He couldn't bare her silence, her distance from him; he couldn't bare the idea that something might be troubling her so much that she couldn't talk to him about it.

Here and now, he didn't know what to say; seeing her break down like this confirmed what he already knew; something was seriously wrong; Lena rarely cried and when she did, she never broke, not like this. Kit slowly reached his right hand towards her; he brushed his fingers across her soft shoulder and down her arm, coming to rest at her elbow. He took a step towards her, stopping so that his body was inches from hers. He could smell the fresh smell of her hair; shampoo and hay; he could feel the sweet warmth of her skin; soft and silky beneath his touch. He placed his left hand on her other arm, gently so that she wouldn't feel trapped.

Lena turned her head slightly. He caught the glimmer of fresh tears in her eyes, reflecting the dying sun like small, heaven-sent lights. Then she looked away again and all he could see was her back.

"Lena...whatever it is...it's not as bad as it seems...you can tell me." He said softly.

Lena trembled, her mind racing with confused thoughts. The gentle pressure of his fingers on her skin was both maddening and reassuring. She knew she had to tell him the truth; she simply had to; it was now or never.

"I never...I never meant for this..." she said, her voice weak and strained. "I don't want you to hate me Kit..."

Kit frowned, instinctively closing his fingers on her arm. "You could never make me hate you Lena...no matter what you do or what you say...I promise..."

Lena hoped that was true, but she knew that Kit wasn't, in a million years, expecting her to say what she was about to say and because of that, how could he honestly say what he would feel about her after?

She took a deep breath, trying to calm her nerves, her pain and confusion. She felt like she was saying a final goodbye to her best friend and yet there was nothing she could do to stop it. She wanted to cling to him, to never him go, but she knew that it was no use; sooner or later he would leave her, disgusted that she could hide such secrets from him and for so long.

But it had to be done; the longer it was left, the worse things would get and the worse he would think of her when he was gone.

She took another breath, brushed away her tears with cold, trembling fingers and finally turned to face him.

"Kit...I..."

There was a scuff of boots coming across the yard and they both turned towards the sound, faces pale. Bill was walking across the yard towards them, dressed in his dirty blue overalls and steel toe caps. His chestnut-grey hair shimmered like copper and chrome in the sunlight and his podgy face was dirty with sweat and sawdust. A mismatched little collie dog was bouncing around at his heels, drawing his attention from Kit and Lena.

Kit stepped a little closer to his foster-sister, desperate not to be disturbed right now. But Bill wasn't to know that and he continued to come closer.

"Lena...please..." Kit whispered, pushing a lock of hair back from her lowered face. He lifted her chin, forcing her gaze to his. Words caught in his throat as he stared down into her sparkling green eyes. "Tell me what's wrong..."

Bill's voice grew louder -- "get off me you silly animal!" he laughed softly -- then he was barely metre's away from them and Lena still hadn't spoken, hadn't said what she so desperately needed to say. She held Kit's intense, unwavering gaze, felt a single tear trickle down her cheek and turned away.

"There you are, slacker...we've got a conversion to finish before winter, you know lad? Or had you forgotten?" Bill said sarcastically, his aged face alight with a grin.

Kit's eyes never left Lena's face, frozen on her as though nothing else existed.

"Lena...please..."

Bill had the horrible feeling he'd just walked in on something private. His foster-son's face was taut and unreadable, his blue-grey eyes turned black in the shadow of the stables. His foster-daughter was silent, turned away from them as she so often was of late, her face completely hidden by the sweep of her golden-brown hair. "Is everything alright?" he asked.

Kit turned his face to Bill, nodded once, and turned back. Bill looked at Lena for confirmation, but she didn't move. There was a moment's silence before she answered, very softly; "Of course it is..." her face turned to Kit a fraction, her eyes still hidden from view. "You best go...help Bill..." she whispered.

"Look, I'll see you over there, eh?" Bill said, moving away uncomfortably.

Kit barely noticed. "Lena..." he repeated her name, barely breathing it into the evening breeze. He reached to touch her and she pulled away.

"Don't keep Bill waiting..." She said. Kit didn't move, his hand still poised to touch her, the hurt obvious in his face. She hardened, feeling tears welling in her eyes again. She was so angry with herself. "Go!" she snapped desperately. "Please!"

Kit tensed, stung.

At that moment, a shrill cry rang out in Kit's head and for a moment he felt as though he was being pulled from this world. It was a cry he knew only he could hear, for Lena didn't move, didn't change her expression at all, but stood silent, fixed, shut away. Kit shut his eyes, saw a flash of a young girl in pretty yellow dress and shook his head to clear it.

When he opened them again, Lena hadn't moved and neither had he. He snatched his hand away, seemingly startled to find it still poised there, reaching to touch her. Then he swallowed hard and strode away.

Lena turned into the shadows, her body stiff. With tears flowing fast, she bowed her head and listened to Kit leave.

*

"That should do us for one night lad...Maggie'll be calling us for dinner soon."

Bill's voice seemed oddly loud in the silence, a silence which was odd in itself. Kit's head snapped up to meet his gaze and it unnerved Bill to see how weary his foster-son looked.

"Sorry Bill...what did you say?" he asked, his voice a little strained.

Bill frowned slightly, his soft gaze searching Kit's face. He was always so unreadable, so subtle in his actions, that it was hard to say exactly what Kit was feeling at any one point. But in the cool glow of the work room lights, there was no mistaking the shadows beneath his eyes, eyes that were once so bright, now tired and full of sorrow.

"What's bothering you son?" Bill asked softly. "Has something happened with you and Lena?"

Kit sighed and rubbed a dirty hand across his face, smearing a bit of paint across his cheek unknowingly. He looked so worn for twenty-six years and it wasn't just because he'd done a hard day's graft. "I don't know Bill..." he answered. He gave a sad sigh. "She won't tell me what's wrong."

"So something was up, after all..." Bill acknowledged, nodding slowly. He took a bracing breath and shook his head, then reached for a rag to wipe his paint-covered hands on.

"I just don't know what to do...how can I help her if she won't tell me what's wrong?" Kit asked, his usually calm and gentle voice taking on an edge of sharpness. "I feel likes it's me...like I've done something wrong...and all I want to do is make it right again, but I just don't know how..."

"Well..." Bill sighed, dropping the rag back onto the work bench. He moved to Kit's side, folding his arms across his chest. "I can't say I was ever much good with advice lad...Mag's was always better with that sort of thing than me...but I can tell you something for sure..." he continued, turning his steady gaze to his foster-son. "Five years ago, a little girl moved into this house, a girl much like our Lena...you remember?"

Kit could still see the pale emptiness of her young face, the deep and desperate look in her eyes, both fierce and needing all at once. He could see that little girl, that twelve-year-old Lena as though she was standing before him now and though his heart ached for her pain, he couldn't help but smile, because he loved her regardless.

"How could I forget..." he said softly.

"Exactly, lad...but I think you are forgetting..." Bill replied.

Kit frowned suddenly, unsure of what the older man was trying to say. "I don't...understand..."

"Do you remember how quiet and withdrawn she was? How she used to sit at the window by herself for hours, just staring out...she'd never sit with us as a family...she wouldn't talk to me at all and Maggie could only get the odd word out of her...I started to think we'd taken on more than we could handle..."

Kit stared into his foster-father's worn face and saw that his eyes were shadowed with the same regretful look he'd worn nearly five years ago; the last time Bill had voiced his helplessness in the situation, had been just six long months after Lena's arrival and Kit had never seen him look so broken as then.

"She was so hurt lad...so determined to fight it all on her own. We asked you the same question you asked me tonight...'What more can we do if she wont let us help?'...you remember lad?" Bill questioned, eyebrows raised and gaze gentle.

"Yes..." Kit replied, thinking back to the night when he, Bill and Maggie had been sat together in the kitchen eating dinner, Lena having politely refused to come and eat with them once more. Bill and Maggie were discussing what to do, what they could possibly do to stop Lena acting the way she was. Kit was angered at the tone in their voices, a hollowness, like they'd already given up hope.

"And d'you remember what you said?" Bill asked quietly.

Kit shook his head, but he knew he hadn't been very forgiving that night and had said some things which, though perfectly true, could have been phrased in a kinder way.

"You said 'how can you give in on her so easy? Six months, that's all it's been...she's still grieving for her dead family, her whole worlds been torn apart! You're the only hope she's got and look at you...you've given up...'" Bill cut off, staring down at the floor. He seemed to lose himself for a moment before raising his gaze and continuing with more clarity in his voice. "That's what you said lad...'you've given up...but I'm not going to. I'm going to stick with her, because I know she's worth the fight.' I've never forgot those words."

"I'm sorry Bill...I never meant to..." Kit began, but his foster-father held up a hand to silence him.

"No lad..." Bill said, shaking his head softly. "I'm not reminding you because I want your apologies; I'm just saying...if you want some advice, don't give up on her. She not the same little girl she was back then...but she's still worth the fight, lad, every heart-breaking minute of it."

There was a silence after Bill had said his piece, in which the older man stared at Kit and Kit stared at a knot in the wooden work bench. The truth of his words seemed to linger in the air, resounding like the echo of a bell and Kit knew that he was right; he couldn't give in on Lena, he had to fight to keep her, even if she pushed him away; he knew that's what she wanted, even if she was too proud and stubborn to admit it.

There was a soft knock on the work room door and moment's later, Maggie's head appeared from the shadows of the yard. The two men both turned to face her and she smiled brightly, her face red from the warmth of the kitchen and the blazing fire which, Kit knew, would be awaiting their return.

"Dinner's ready when you want it." Maggie said, dusting her hands on her apron and glancing round the work room. She nodded towards the row of five doors lined up against the work room wall, which had spent the day being sanded and painted. "You managed to get them all done then?" she asked.

Bill patted Kit's shoulder once, both reassuring him and ending their conversation. "We did that...they'll be ready for putting in tomorrow." He told her, but Kit zoned out. A soft, child-like cry was whispering at the back of his head. He saw again a flash of a little girl and a pretty yellow dress before it was gone once more and Kit was back in the workshop, watching Bill leave to wash his hands outside.

Maggie turned to Kit, her face alight and rosy. "You alright love?" she asked brightly.

Kit managed to give her a smile and stood up. "Yeah...just fine Mags..." he said. He knew it wasn't truth, but what he felt wasn't the thing that mattered right now. What mattered was talking to Lena, really talking to her, and not bolting at the first sign of rejection as he'd been doing so much of late.

"You going to come and have some dinner with us love?" Maggie asked.

"Not just yet...sorry Mags, but there's something I've got to do first." Kit answered, rubbing his hands down the front of his jeans to try and remove some of the paint smears from his fingers.

Maggie looked at him questioningly but Kit didn't want to burden her with the thoughts in his head. He met her at the door and flicked the light switch on the wall, so that the room was suddenly engulfed in darkness. Kit held the door open for Maggie and they both stepped out into the yard.

"I'll put you some food aside for when you're ready then, ok?" she told him.

Kit smiled. "That'd be great...thanks." Maggie had already turned and left by the time Kit thought to ask. "Hey, have you seen Lena lately?"

Maggie paused and turned back to face him. "Gone walking..." she called, rolling her eyes, unseen in the darkness. "God knows where to at this hour, but...well, you know our Lena..." Then she turned and carried on across the yard and into the house.

*

The wind was picking up as Kit walked across the wide, familiar countryside to the west of their home, heading across the moors and to the forest beyond. If he knew Lena as well as he thought he did then he knew exactly where to find her; a mile or so across country was a great, jagged spine of rocks nestled in the deep, wilds of the forest. The largest of these great boulders, the one which overlooked the road leading to the local town and the civilisation beyond, they'd named 'The Watch Tower'. The three of them -- Lena, Matt and Kit -- would often lie up there on lazy summer days, watching hours roll by without a single care. It suddenly seemed so long ago now. He knew though, somehow, that this was where Lena would head to.

The moonlight drifted in patches across the moor, lighting Kit's way through the night. There had been little rain for days and the ground was firm beneath his feet. He could smell the wood smoke drifting from the Howard's farm and heard the faint stirrings of nocturnal wildlife; the scream of a vixen from far off, the occasional call of a nightjar and one solitary hoot of an owl.

He'd spent more than half of his life admiring the dramatic beauty of the moors and tree's around his home, but tonight he barely spared it a glance and instead, allowed his feet to carry him along the familiar path. The wind lashed at his exposed neck and pierced it's way beneath his thin jumper, bringing the hair on the back of his neck to a stand.

He came to a stream with a small, simple bridge crossing to the foot of a large hill. Kit paused, looking up to the crest of the hill, where a single, majestic oak tree stood sentinel on the horizon. It's branches were high and wide, and it stood proud and alone, a single tree to announce the presence of the forest beyond the hill. From the point beneath it's bough's you could see across the Howard's whole estate, so the man stood beneath the tree would have seen him approaching from far off.

Matt's face was pale in the moonlight, his usually bright eyes turned to dark hollows by the shadow of his hair. Even from this distance, Kit could see his taut, bunched up shoulders and clenched fists; he could almost feel the anger radiating off him. Kit knew immediately, by some strange instinct, that Matt and Lena had been fighting again.

With a sense of resignation, Kit made his way up the hill towards Matt and found himself walking straight into a storm.

"Did you know about this?!" Matt demanded fiercely, the moment Kit came within ten feet.

"About what?" Kit asked, his voice tired but patient, his gaze steady on Matt's thin face. His figure had a translucent quality in the moonlight and he kept flickering faintly, almost imperceptibly, as if struggling to maintain hold of his bodily form.

"It's Lena!" Matt growled, his teeth clenching as he spat his little sister's name.

His ferocity, when provoked, was something Kit had become quite accustomed to over the years; it was a trait Lena sometimes shared with him and, usually, only with him. It amazed Kit how two siblings, who were usually so close and loving, could be so brutally savage to each other at times. Once the fight was over, however, Lena would shrink back into her beautiful, delicate self, obviously pained to have fought with her brother; Matt, on the other hand, could stay angry for hours, days, even weeks after they'd argued.

His voice cut into Kit's distant mind. "She said she's not going to college! Did you know?!" Matt demanded, glaring at him with intensity.

Kit frowned, surprised. Lena hadn't mentioned anything about college...and if that's what she'd been so upset about earlier in the day, then why on earth did she think he'd hate her for that? Surely she didn't think he would. She knew him better, he was sure. He knew in his gut that something else was up; something Lena wouldn't tell him, let alone Matt; something that had nothing to do with college...

"Kit!" Matt growled impatiently.

"No, I didn't know..." Kit answered. He turned his gaze to Matt, his brow creased severely in thought. "Did you ask her why?"

Matt laughed sarcastically. "Because she doesn't want to, simple as that! You know Lena! She doesn't need a reason to be stubborn!" he shouted. Matt made to slam his fist into the tree of the great oak, but stopped himself short. The fight seemed to seep from him, making his arms limp. Matt shook his head, turning his face away to darkened sky. "I can't believe her...what's she thinking? She's so clever Kit...and she's gonna throw it away. If mom and dad knew..." He turned suddenly, striding twenty paces before stopping again. Kit saw his moonlit silhouette bring an arm up to wipe his face and knew that Matt was brushing away angry tears.

Kit quietly made his way over, coming to a stop at Matt's side. He mirrored the younger man's stance and stared up at the dark sky, saving Matt the embarrassment of being seen crying.

"She'll have her reasons..." he said softly. "Though whether she'll ever admit them is another thing..." he added to himself. He sighed softly, felt eyes on him and turned, feeling it was safe to finally meet Matt's questioning gaze. "Let me talk to her, ok? I might be able to figure out what's going on with her..." Kit said.