A King's Legacy Ch. 28-29

"What things about you do I not understand, Aster? What things are so beyond my comprehension that you felt I couldn't accept them?" Aster lowered his gaze, speaking quietly as he answered this as well.

"There's a lot of things wrong with me Stahl... Do you remember when the captain first started training me? That day he was talking down to me? I fucking loved it Stahl... Every degrading remark he made towards me made something burn inside of me... To have such a bigger, stronger person sitting their weight on me, pinning me as I writhed to hold them... It was humiliating, and I fucking wanted more... If you recall, I was so damn hard the entire time... If that crocodile wouldn't have started attacking you... I may have never actually pushed myself from beneath that bull... I hate that there's something inside of me that wants you all to just take what you need from me... I love the way you all make me feel so inferior, how I always know that I am on the weaker end of the evolutionary chain...You don't even have to try... I just know it... I was taught that lesson long ago, Stahl... And I hate how much I crave to feel that way now..." The wolf scoffed as he replied.

"I know... I've known about that side of you for a while now, Aster... I even tried to play into it when you first had a taste of me... Because I DO understand that you need it, and I can accept that, I can even enjoy that idea to some degree... At least in some settings... But if you must know the truth... There isn't a damn thing inferior about you in any way, my mate... That incredible bloodskill of yours aside, there are things I've learned from you that no beast could ever make me see... I've learned to be more kind and considerate because of you. I've opened up my perspectives because of you. I've become braver than I ever believed I could be because of you, facing things I ran away from for YEARS so I could be even more brave still... For you... I've recently realized how far I had cut myself off from everything and everyone around me because of you Aster... I've learned how to feel alive again because of you... There isn't anything inferior about inspiring people to that degree, my love." Aster shook his head in disagreement, his trembling finally somewhat under control as he answered.

"You were already kind, brave, and considerate Stahl... Since that first day, that's all you've ever been..." It was the wolf who shook his head in disagreement this time. Stahl spoke in a solemn tone, finally confessing some of the things to his mate he had withheld.

"I most definitely was not... I was cold, and selfish, and resentful of my duties... By the gods, Aster... Even when my brother Sil was killed, I took any escape I could find... When the news came... All I could do was run from the truth... It disgusts me to think about now, but as soon as I felt my brother's fate tear through my heart by our bloodskill, I turned my heart off, took a hold of Mollis, and pulled the rabbit away from the rest of the team... I hate-fucked that hare with everything I had... Because that was easier than dealing with the truth... Mollis was an escape from my problems, Aster, and I was afraid that was what happened between you and Oust... I was afraid that was what Oust really was to you, that you would bring your worries to him before you would talk to me... That you would escape them with him because you couldn't confide in me... That he is just a way to cope... That you think I can't handle such things." Aster was growing tired by then... Even so, the boy would hold for as long as he could... The same way Stahl had held the weight of everything for as long as he could. The human spoke sincerely to his beast.

"I know you take everything upon your shoulders, Stahl... I see the way you hide things because you don't want me to worry about you... I see the toll that takes on you. You've been carrying all of your own problems, all of Rust's problems, and even all of my problems, all on top of your duty as a knight... It's as you said... I create more and more problems, and let you carry their weight for us both... I didn't want to keep adding to your burden... I didn't want to become a burden to you like I was for my father... That is why I stopped telling you things lately... Because if I am almost buckling beneath my own recent thoughts, how would it ever be fair to lay them on you as well when you carry so much already. You have a habit of trying to hold everything all by yourself... You won't share that weight with me, so I figured I should start carrying my own... And then I failed at even that..." Stahl spoke more firmly as he responded.

"You are not such a failure, Aster... You are not a burden for me... You're the one that makes me want to keep fighting in the first place, to do whatever is needed to protect you, to bear that weight... But yes, you are right... I wouldn't share that weight with you... Because I had to be the foundation, I had to be the one that held us together... I needed that, My love... I needed to be that for my family, and I needed to be that for you even more... At first, the world was against you, and I saw that you needed such support... But now? I just need to be a source of strength and comfort for you. I want to inspire you the way you inspire me... I want to be everything for you, and that selfish and unrealistic desire is what made me act so foolishly... It's what made you feel you couldn't confide in me, that I couldn't handle anymore problems... I am sorry I failed to hold as your foundation, Aster... I am sorry I couldn't be as strong as I needed to be for the both of us... And I am sorry that I took that out on you when I couldn't hold it together anymore... Even though it was exactly what I wanted, the self-imposed duty I've fought fang and claw to hold on to..." Aster smiled at the words, his tears finally stifling at long last. He responded in his own intimate whisper.

"You do inspire me, Stahl. You are my foundation, and I thought I was your support. I thought we could only build upon each other... You were my sword, my knight, and my wolf... I was your shield, your mate, and your boy... And I failed far worse that you did in those duties... I can see that now... I should've talked to you more about Oust..." Stahl placed a quick kiss on his boy's cheek as he answered that honestly.

"Yes, you should have... I see how what I said was misleading... but I just wanted to try and do right by you, Aster. I wanted you to experience so many things... I wanted you to experience as much as you could... I just wanted to experience it with you... Beside of you... I should've been more clear on that part..." The beast let out a heavy sigh as he finally got to the root of the issue. Stahl looked his mate directly in the eye as he confessed things that had bothered him, things he had been withholding for the boy's sake... Or at least, that's what Stahl had been telling himself about such things.

"The part that makes me so angry was how sneaky and evasive it all felt... Since the battle, you've been pulling away from me more and more, Aster... You told me why you stopped confiding in me, and I see that part of the blame lies with me... For not confessing my own limits sooner... But that doesn't change the fact that I was missing out on your experiences..." Stahl paused to gather his thoughts before he continued.

"I missed your first taste of alcohol, only realizing you were ever even drinking after the tiger dropped you back off to me wasted, and unable to walk... But I told myself that you needed to cope with both Mollis, and such a harrowing first battle, so I ignored it... I missed you choosing your marking at the orc village, never even finding out about it until after I stripped you of your bloodied shirt and laid you in bed... I said nothing still... But I'd have liked to have been there for that as well... Even during the battle itself, as I was forced to a kneel alongside every other warrior on that shredded landscape by your power... I looked up to that pillar you stood upon, and who do I see supporting you instead? Who held you so damn closely as you secured our victory? It was Oust once again, gazing at you in evident awe... He got to experience that, and I'm not ashamed to admit that it made me jealous, Aster... Jealous that he got those experiences with you instead of me... That I wasn't the only one who wanted to experience those things with you..." Stahl let out another huff as he finally confessed all of this. The wolf was far from finished though, and only continued after.

"When Mollis confessed to me that he had a thing for you, that rabbit went off on a bigger spill than I am now about all of the amazing ways you caught his attention... All of the amazing things that he was spot-on about... And suddenly, ever since then... I've been terrified that everyone else would see how truly amazing you are. That suddenly... Everyone would be trying to take you away from me..." Aster was weighing every single word, listening closely to his wolf's confessions.

"I hated feeling so jealous, and controlling... So I tried my best to brush those feelings off... To tell myself that this was the right way to be... But I was trying to fool myself, Aster... The truth is, I want you to be mine. I want you all to myself, I want to steal you away from all of these problems and responsibilities placed upon you by others, and I want to hide you away where nothing or nobody can touch you ever again... And I know that sounds horrible... As if you are something I own, something that belongs to me... Something weak that needs protecting... But I feel it in my very soul that I DO belong to you... I want to have a part in everything you experience... I have an ugly greed when it comes to you, my mate... So when I finally found you and Oust together, without me... I lost it... I was afraid he had taken even more of you away from me, that if he could do those things for you, then you would soon have no use left for me at all... And in that rage and fear, I only pushed you further away... By the gods, Aster... I cast you to the side when I saw those marks on your shoulder because I was so focused on what I thought the tiger had taken from me... That I threw it away myself." Stahl felt his voice almost cracking as he finished his long tirade.

"I just wanted to be there when you experienced things, to watch your eyes light up in that dazzling way... The way they did when I gave you your first kiss... The way you lit up at your first sight of the river when I was there standing beside you... The way your light flared when you discovered what it felt like to be loved by me... That's all I ever wanted, Aster Venatus... You may be my shield, my boy, and my mate... But more than anything else, you are my king... I just wanted to be there for my king... For a knight is nothing without his king..." Aster listened to his beast closely, doing his best to see things from Stahl's perspective, taken aback by how much the wolf had already revealed to be holding in. Aster finally realized how bad it all probably looked from the wolf's viewpoint... How intentional it all seemed... He had to clarify that.

"I didn't ever mean for you to feel I was trying to hide anything from you, my wolf... I didn't mean for it to seem so underhanded, but I swear to you, I truly do see how it all seemed personal... How it looked like I was trying to run away from you... But my love... There is nothing in this world you could ever do or say that would make me run from you. You can growl, and snarl, and remind me how terrible of a mate I am while you make the cruelest threats... And yes, it may crush me, it may scare me... It may break my heart... But I could never just walk away from you... You should've been there for Oust, for that experience as well... I see that. You should've had more of a say, more of a part. I'm not offering you excuses, but I really am too stupid to see how things can be sometimes... I don't have much experience here, Stahl... I don't know how to be the best mate for you... I don't know how to be a mate at all sometimes... But by the gods, I do try, my wolf... I'll keep trying until I'm better, and I'll keep trying even after that..." Stahl nosed his boy in comfort, the beast speaking from his heart.

"You're confusing being stupid, with being ignorant. You are anything but stupid, my love... I forget how fresh into the world you really are sometimes... It feels like I've already had a lifetime with you... Like there was nothing else before you... So to recall it has barely been two months always surprises me... I never should've said you were a terrible mate, I never should've said a lot of those hurtful things... I should not expect you to know how to act based off of my own experience, without me conveying my true thoughts or feelings on the matter... But please, if you are ever uncertain of something... Just ask... I was the first to have you in that way... But you were far from my first. I need to consider that more often." Aster closed his eyes. His body was pushing to the point of exhaustion just holding that shield. They were running out of time, but there was still so much the boy wanted to know before the end.

"How many have you been with? Before me? You said you sought after sex as a way to escape from reality... So how many?" The wolf let out a heavy sigh as he answered that honestly as well.

"You were my thirteenth partner... But the only one I ever actually cared about in any romantic sense..." Aster chuckled a lot at that answer. Stahl gave him a questioning look. Aster elaborated.

"It's lower than I assumed it would be... As handsome, as desirable, and as skilled as you are, my wolf, I figured it would be well over thirty... Not that it would change anything about the way I feel about you, even if it was in the hundreds, but thank you for telling me... Do you see how I could have those same fears? That someone else could take my amazing wolf away from me? That in truth, you are still the more desirable one of us through the eyes of almost any beast... The most likely heir to the noble, renowned, and aristocratic, Aschefell line..." Stahl opened his mouth to remind his human that such a thing would NEVER happen, That nobody could ever steal him away from his mate, but closed it shortly after before he ever got the words out. Stahl cracked a smile. Aster had a point. Aster would never willingly part with his wolf either, he had more than proven that much. The beast answered him genuinely.

"That's fair, Aster. I see what you mean... I'll try not to let those fears dictate how I am towards you... I'll try to be stronger." Aster shook his head, quickly disparaging that comment.

"No... I don't need you to be stronger, I don't need you to hide those feelings from me... In fact, I need you to stop trying to fix all of my problems without even talking to me about them... Like you have been... I just need you to promise that we could handle them together. That's part of sharing that weight with me, Stahl." The beast nodded lightly, his snout brushing against Aster's shoulder by the action. Aster picked back up on another subject after.

"So... May I ask you something else, my wolf?"" The beast answered softly.

"You may ask anything of me here, my mate." Aster turned his head, and gently laid his right ear against the beast's beating heart. Even here, it brought such comfort to him. Stahl moved his left hand up some, and gently stroked his boy's hair as he made his inquiry.

"Have you been holding in that rage all this time? That other part of you?" Stahl sucked a short gasp in, not exactly prepared for that question, but answering it all the same after a long pause.

"Well... I don't have a straight answer for that, Aster... I think it was there, always present at the back of my mind... But it was never really noticeable until the day I first laid eyes on you... I don't know why I feel it so strongly sometimes... I still don't know if it's even me feeling these things at all... Do you recall when I confessed back at the first night in the Crimson Sands? Those feelings I didn't understand? The ones that made me feel like a hopeless, feral mutt leashed to you? I think that comes from the same place... It screamed for me to protect you when you were first brought to my father's estate. It demanded I stand up against even ten foot tall dragons to protect you... It made me try to dominate you during our first moon, when I pinned you to the ground snarling... And it commanded me to lash out at you when I had discovered what you had done... It sounds like an excuse... I know this... But I swear to you, Aster Venatus... It... It doesn't even feel like it's me... Those feelings never feel like my own, they usually even contradict them, and that frightens me terribly... As if something else is whispering into my ear... As if someone else is screaming for me to obey those feelings... I hate it, Aster... I hate that part of myself, and I hate it even more after all of this... I have an awful desire to be in control of everything, but I never meant to try and control you, or that big, beautiful heart of yours." Stahl's voice cracked as he confessed such a foolish sounding secret... Aster spoke as it were a fact.

"I believe you... I know... Whoever it was back there... It wasn't you, and even I could see that... You would never say the things you did when you attacked Oust..." Stahl froze up on the spot. A chill ran down the wolf's spine as the hairs on his neck raised. He spoke in a cautious tone.

"I... I attacked Oust?" Aster raised his head, and stared into his wolf's eyes startled. There was panic and uncertainty slathered over his beast's gaze... Stahl really didn't remember? No... That made sense... Stahl would never... Aster cast his gaze aside, and just tried to brush it off.

"Don't worry about it... It wasn't you..." Stahl cupped Aster's face shakily, turning his eyes back to meet his own before he replied.

"No... Tell me what I did, Aster..." Aster shook his head as he stared into those silvery eyes. He responded quietly.

"No, it doesn't matter anymore, Stahl. It was only anger..." Stahl spoke a bit more firmly then.

"It matters to me... Please, Aster... Tell me what I did... I remember getting really volatile, and I remember throwing you to the side... But after that, I just remember you hitting me with the heartbeat, feeling even more betrayed..." Aster gazed into those comforting eyes with a truly pained look. He hated to even repeat it... But the boy started his recount of what happened after Stahl had thrown him to the side.

"You charged him after you tossed me... You drew your swords, and you charged at him... He wouldn't fight you. He wouldn't fight back, even when the tip of your sword carved a gash in his chest... He just kept trying to dodge, pleading for you to just... To just not do it in front of me... To at least let you kill him where I wouldn't have to watch..." Aster cast his eyes aside once more. He didn't want to even tell this story... Stahl pressed further.

"And then what? After he begged for me not to kill him in front of you? What happened?" Aster remained silent, it was too painful to revisit, and it would only hurt Stahl more here... Stahl repeated his question a bit louder, feeling desperate and afraid all at one.

"WHAT DID I DO, ASTER?" The human finally spoke it.

"You... You told him you were going to cleave his head off in front of me... You told him... It doesn't mat-" Stahl shrilly interrupted his mate.

"PLEASE... WHAT DID I TELL HIM?!?" Aster just looked into those ashen eyes pitifully, speaking the truth at last, his eyes misting as he confessed such a terrible truth.

"You told him you were going to cleave his head off in front of me... You told him you were going to press my face into his blood while I looked into his eyes... And you told him you were going to hold it there as you... As you raped me in that spot, Stahl... Until my tears washed away every trace of his essence... That you were going to fuck me until I finally accepted my place... That you would break me a million times over if that's what it took to make me accept where I belonged... That I was yours, and everyone would know it... That I would know it... And you were smiling so terribly all the while, Stahl... That's when I used the heartbeat on you... I couldn't let you hurt Oust... I didn't want to ever use that on you, Stahl... But that wasn't you back there!"