A Light Too Bright

"Cassy go to your room, now!" His voice shook with rage. She whimpered and darted into her room and stood trembling, staring out at him. Her room was the one part of the house he never set foot in. If he sent her to her room, it was as much to protect her as to punish her. Her eyes even more frightened and confused.

Nathan turned on his heel and walked up the stairs, his whole body shaking with self loathing. He called a cab. He had to get out of there. While he was waiting he filled two big plastic bags with ice cubes and went down to her. Avoiding her eyes, he dropped the ice on the floor, just inside the door. "Put these on your legs." His voice was flat. "I am going out."

"Where to Sir?" The cab driver was not his regular. Where to go? It was late. Almost without thinking he gave him Cam's address. He had not seen Cam in two years.

As the cab approached the old stone house that Cam had converted into his clinic, Nathan dialed his number.

"Nathan?"

"Can I see you?"

"Anytime, when would be good for you?"

"No Cam. I need to see you now. My cab is parked outside."

Nathan could hear the surprise in Cam's voice. "OK, come up the back way. I will meet you at the door."

Cam opened the door and the two men stood facing each other. Cam was surprised that Nathan was not wearing a suit. He had never seen Nathan leave his house without one. His hair was down and loose around his shoulders. Nathan's emotional tension was palpable.

Cam spoke first. "It is good to see you. I have missed your company. Come on up. I will pour us a drink."

Nathan nodded, almost in a daze. He followed Cam up the steep flights of stairs that led to the back door of his third floor apartments.

Cam's personal living quarters were amazingly chaotic. Nathan had always felt is like he was entering into a modern wizards laboratory whenever he was there. Cam was attracted to some crazy stuff; skulls, Lego models, gargoyles, hats, swords, stuffed animals, musical instruments, lava lamps, paintings, neon signs, thousands of books, and that was all on the first layer. Nathan once wondered briefly what an archaeological dig would find. Today he hardly saw it at all, his attention focused on his whirling confusion and misery.

Cam shove a pile of stuff off a chair. "Sit." He went and poured a generous serving of brandy into a heavy tumbler.

Nathan sat and pulled off his glasses. His face normally cool and controlled, was a mask of grief and rage. He rubbed angrily at his eyes.

Cam decided not to dance around it. "What is the matter Nathan?"

"Nothing." Nathan's voice cracked. "Fuck no, thats not true." His voice was hoarse.

"Tell me about it."

Nathan gulped down a big swallow of this brandy. "I told you I had a girl, a sub, Cassy. She's been staying with me for the last two years. She's a natural, but she sometimes... hell its not her, its me, like tonight."

Nathan told Cam about Cassy's apparent disregard, her complete lack of response to his flogging her. "She has never screamed or made any sound when I flog or cane her but last night she did not even cry or change her facial expression. It was like she was ignoring me. I lost control of myself. I started to beat her with the cane. I really hurt her."

Cam interrupted, "Where is she now?"

"Home. I had to get out of there. I told her to stay in her room."

"Does she need medical treatment?" Cam tried to keep his voice neutral but inside he was panicking. What if Nathan had really hurt this girl. He had visions of her laying alone, injured, in that carriage house.

"She is pretty bruised on her thighs. I gave her some ice."

"Could she walk on her own?"

Nathan was starting to look worried. "Yes. Oh god, I shouldn't have left her alone. Fuck Cam, I was just so scared I would hurt her again." Cam had never heard Nathan sound so vulnerable.

"If she could walk, giving her ice was probably all I would have done. Do you leave her alone a lot?"

"Four, maybe five times a week. I need to go to town for store meetings. She stays in her room and reads. There has never been any problems."

"Have you asked her why she is so quiet and unresponsive?"

"Not recently. In the beginning, she said that she felt like if screamed, it would make things worse." She has always been quiet. When she first came to me, she whispered all the time.

"She talks normally now?"

Nathan looked uncomfortable. "She speaks in a normal tone when she talks. I require it. But she does not talk very much though."

"Don't you talk to her?"

Nathan's eyes slid around the room. "Not really."

"Why not? This is the only person in your life. Why don't you talk to her?"

"I just don't feel like it." Nathan's voice was suddenly angry and defensive. "That is not why I keep her. She is a fuck toy, something to fucking experiment on." His voice was getting louder, "Not a fucking girl friend for gods sake!" He drained the brandy from his glass and stared at the empty glass. His hand was shaking.

"Why not a girl friend. Don't you love her?"

Nathan stood and walked over to the table and precisely put the glass down. His body was a rigid model of control. His voice was icy and neutral, "The last thing I need in my life is to love anyone. Love just fucks everything up."

Cam kept pushing. "So why do you keep her?"

Nathan stiffened and then trembled. "I don't know. I mean she is easy to keep around, blond, pretty, quiet as a mouse. She is one of the gentlest, shyest little tiny things. She is almost the perfect opposite of of..." He couldn't finish the sentence. The name of Jesus hung unsaid between them.

Cam added, "...and she will never leave you."

Nathan's shoulders sagged and he nodded.

Cam stood and stretched, "Don't take your anger out on her Nathan. She isn't the one that hurt you. When you get home check on her legs. They will be swollen but if there are any lumps or hard places you may have broken a larger vein. I would have to come out and check on her. Call me in the morning and let me know how she is doing."

Nathan nodded and stood. "Thanks for letting me come over. You have always been there for me. I haven't been a very good friend to you lately." He reached out his hand to Cam.

Cam took his hand and pulled him to his chest, hugging him close. "I knew I would see you again." As they walked out Cam stopped, "Nathan, one last thing, get rid of the canes for now. You know better than to do scenes like that when you are not in control of your emotions." Nathan nodded grimly.

Nathan stood for a long time looking down at Cassy. She was curled up inside her usual pile of blankets. Completely buried except for one foot that peeked out, a tiny pink escapee from her safe warm nest. The two plastic bags sat neatly by the door, filled with water now that the ice had melted.

It was past time when he would normally be down working out, but he had slept late. He was curiously reluctant to wake her. He slowly slid down the door frame to sit on the floor. His eyes on the rainbow pile of blankets, waiting for her to wake up.

She did not wake up slowly. One second all was still, and the next she was sitting up, clawing the blankets from her head. She was breathing in short gasps, her eyes staring at something only she could see.

"Child." His voice was soft.

Her head tipped toward the sound of his voice, almost like a blind person. Slowly her eyes focused and she gave herself a little shake, like a kitten that had gotten wet. Her eyes looked at him, wide and blue and infinitely trusting. A tiny smile of greeting flitted across her lips.

"Child, come here." He held out his hand to her.

Cassy crawled out of her nest of blankets and crept to him, reaching her hand out to his. "Good girl." He carefully pulled her into his lap, keeping her weight on her ass, her legs bent, avoiding the bruises on the backs of her thighs. "Did you put the ice on your legs?"

"Yes sir."

"Good girl. They were pretty bruised. We may have pushed your limits a little far."

Cassy sighed and snuggled close to his chest and then yawned. He held her, gently stroking her back. "I think neither one of us slept very well last night. Stand up for me. Let me look at those legs." He lifted her to her feet. He ran his hand over her thighs. Her legs were covered with dark deep bruises, but there were no knots or lumps like Cam had cautioned him about.

"Lets take a shower and get some breakfast. I want you to take today off from chores. I want you to keep ice on these bruises for a while longer."

Cassy was back in her room with a book and ice on her legs when Nathan called Cam. "You said I should call."

"I am glad you did. How is your girl?"

"She is pretty black and blue, but there are not any knots or lumps."

"OK, good. Keep ice on the bruises for another twenty four hours. How are you doing?"

"I feel like shit. Its even worse because she isn't the slightest bit mad. She acts like she thinks this is just a normal thing."

"It does not sound like she has any idea of what her own limits are or what she has a right to expect from you. If she is that passive you are twice as responsible for her safety Nathan. I am worried about you. Legally, if I believe she is in danger from you, I am supposed to report you to the police."

"Christ Cam, you aren't going to do that are you?"

"I have never been one to follow the rules. You know that. But Nathan, I can't in good conscience stand back and let you abuse her under the disguise of a BDSM lifestyle. What you did to her was abuse and you know it."

Nathan's voice was defeated, "Yea I know. I think that is why I ended up at your place last night."

"If you are having trouble with anger, maybe it would be a good idea for you to talk to someone about it. You could come see me once a week on an informal basis."

"I am not going to let you hypnotize me."

"I was more thinking about just talking."

Nathan finally agreed to see Cam once a month and keep a therapy journal that Cam could access on a daily basis.

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

Nathan Landauer's journal entries over the next twelve months:

<3 <3 <3 Do I punish Cassy? I have, but not in over a year. Usually I make her kneel in a corner or take her diet Coke away. It does not take much to devastate her, just telling her that she is doing something wrong is usually enough. But there is not much she does wrong. She has never defied me and hardly ever makes mistakes.

Her only disobedience is that she increasingly forgets to say 'Yes Sir' when I tell her to do something. She just solemnly nods and obeys. I have been allowing her that. The words just seem to hang in the silence, an intrusion in her silence. The only time I hear her voice is when she reads to me.

That and the fact that she follows me with her eyes, watching me almost constantly. I do not correct in this because, between you and me, I think I like it. The only time she looks away is when I look back. It seems that the weight of my regard is almost too much for her to bear.

<3 <3 <3 Why do you always keep asking me about that? I don't know why I don't talk to her. It feels like it would somehow intrude upon what we have. Sometimes I think of something that I want to say and when I start to speak it seems so devoid of meaning. I mean what do you say to someone you have been living with for over two years that you have never had a conversation with? Nice weather? Have a nice day?

<3 <3 <3 My childhood? I knew you would eventually ask. I was the freak child kept hidden in a big spooky mansion by eccentric older parents that knew nothing of children. They loved me, at least my mother did, but it was made clear on almost a daily basis that I was not what they wanted.

My mother was the only one that spent anytime with me. She was an incredibly beautiful and talented pianist. She taught me music. Before I was born she had a very promising career as a concert pianist. After I was born, she hardly ever left the mausoleum we lived in. She loathed it when people would stare at me in public. I was her burden and her project. She made sure I knew how much she had sacrificed to take care of me.

<3 <3 <3 My father? He lived in a separate part of the house. We hardly ever saw him. I remember sneaking and spying on him. He would catch me and tell me to go back to my mother. The only time I remember hearing my parents talking to each other was one time I woke up in the night. They were in the hall outside my room, whispering furiously at each other. They were arguing about who's fault it was that I was an albino, like it was some kind of punishment for something one of them had done.

When I was fourteen they ripped me up and out of that dark lonely house and sent me to boarding school. I didn't learn until later that it was because my mother was sick.

Boarding school was a horror. I had no idea how to interact with kids my own age. They were pretty cruel to me about my appearance. The only good things I learned there were how to fight and how to fuck. Nothing like an all boys boarding school to develop a taste for buggery. I discovered a my taste in men, big jocks became my passion.

I mother died of cancer during my senior year. My father did not have a funeral. In fact, he did not tell me she had died until a month later. He said something about not wanting to interfere with my studies. He closed up the big house and moved to the city. He died not long before I met you, cirrhosis of the liver. I never even knew he drank.

<3 <3 <3 Today Cassy did the weirdest thing. She was working out with weights. I had her kneeling on pencils to make it interesting and doing curls. She just stopped. Her eyes were closed. She had that same look on her face that she had when I bruised her legs; closed, far away, distracted.

It is hard to describe but it was like she wasn't there anymore. When I tried to talk to her she completely ignored me and when I smacked her on the butt with the crop she didn't even notice. When I took the weights from her hands, she didn't resist but her hands stayed frozen in the same position.

I picked her up and shook her. She finally snapped out of it. She acted like she didn't remember any of it.

<3 <3 <3 No, I won't consider sending her to your clinic. I need her here with me. This is just a phase or something.

<3 <3 <3 I don't know very much about her background. She stayed in foster care her whole life. She said her parents had been declared unfit but she does not remember them at all.

<3 <3 <3 I haven't noticed anything else 'odd' about her, other than being really quiet and shy. Before she came to live with me I think she was thinking about suicide. She would go and stand on a bridge, but there has been nothing like that since she came here.

<3 <3 <3 Sex? The sex is fine. She is really quiet but thats how she is all the time.

<3 <3 <3 I told her today that I didn't want her to talk anymore at all. I have no fucking idea why I did that. I don't think she has said ten words in ten weeks. Its not like its going to make much difference around here. I can't remember the last time she made a sound.

<3 <3 <3 She has stopped following me with her eyes. She spends a lot of time looking at her hands, or staring off into space. She doesn't even jump when I call her name, just sort of turns to me in slow motion.

<3 <3 <3 Laugh? I don't know if I can ever remember hearing her laugh. I can't even remember the last time I saw her smile.

<3 <3 <3 Me? I don't know. I get pissed at the littlest stupid things. I am having trouble concentrating on work. Depressed? Its pretty obvious we are both depressed.

<3 <3 <3 Cam the last thing I need is your messing around inside her head. You just tell me what to do and we'll take care of it on our own. And no, I am not talking to her. Just drop that, I am tired of you bringing that up.

<3 <3 <3 It seems like she is just going through the motions. She used to try so hard to please me. Now its like living with a ghost or a zombie.

<3 <3 <3 I don't think I can send her to you. She needs me. It would destroy her if I send her away. The only other time I sent her away was a few months ago. I sent her home to her apartment. I wanted to scare her, snap her out of this phase she is in.

It just seemed to make things worse. I walked her into that little one room convenience that she used to live in. I left her standing there. I told her I would be back in three days. When I came back she had hardly moved, just sort of crumpled to the floor. She still had her backpack in her hands. I don't think she ate, drank, or even used the bathroom. After she got home she was the same or maybe worse.

I can't send her away again. The house was so empty without her.

<3 <3 <3 Me? I don't know what the fuck I want. I am starting to hate this place like I hated the big house. I find myself pacing from one room to another.

Me? Get out? What do you mean? I have a job. I own twelve bookstores. I can't work anyplace but here. I need to have my office set up here at the house. Anyway I do get out. It's just when I am here. It's empty like before she ever got here.

Fuck she can be standing right in front of me and I miss her.

<3 <3 <3 She is not eating. She sits and stares at the food on her plate. I have to tell her to eat and she will take a few bites and then sort of loses steam.

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

Nathan sat in the cab, looking up at the clinic. He dialed Cam's number. "Cam, I need to come up."

"Now?"

"Yea, now."

"I was on my way out. I have tickets to a show."

"Cam, please, this is an emergency." Nathan's voice was pleading.

Cam looked at the tickets. Damn, it was something he had been waiting to see for months. He sighed. "Meet you at the door."

"Thanks."

This time Nathan was wearing his usual suit, his hair carefully combed and pulled back. He pushed past Cam and led the way up to the cluttered room. He went directly to the bar and and poured himself a glass of brandy. "You want one?"

"Sure, I guess I won't be driving tonight."

Nathan handed him a glass and sat down. "I did the craziest thing tonight. I tried to wake her up, tried to get her attention." His voice was almost matter of fact.

"Did you hurt her?"

"No, she isn't hurt. I tried to drown her."

"You what?"

"I held her head under the water in the sink."

"Did you get her attention?"

"She fought me at first, but then she did this thing. She stopped fighting and actually put her hands on top of mine and helped push her head under the water. She didn't push back or try to get out of the water. She just lay there until she blacked out. I thought for a minute I'd killed her." For the first time his voice cracked and he took a deep breath struggling to control his tone.

"Is that what you wanted?"

Nathan looked up and Cam was shocked to see his face was wet with tears. "No. I want her to start being alive again. Its like all the lights in her head are turned off, and I know its my fault. I did this to her."

"Nathan you can't go on like this. If you can't talk to her, you have to send her to me."

"I can't talk to her."

"Why? What are you afraid you will say?"

"Afraid? I am afraid I will say..." Nathan laughed a bitter bark of laughter and then strangled on a sob. He took a deep breath and took a big swallow of brandy. "I am sorry? Come back to me? I love you? I need you? Oh my god, Cam, I took this little girl and I destroyed her. I was so afraid she would leave me that I literally took away from her all will to leave and at the same time stripped her of her will to live. And she still left me. She stands in front of me... fuck, I can have my cock balls deep in her and she is still not there. She has left me just like everyone has." Again Nathan fought down the sobs, "How come people always leave me?"