A Linda Christmas

"I never did become very womanly. This body has always sucked."

"Linda, I've dreamed of this body since you were out here when Dad died."

She smiled. "You're just saying that to make me feel good."

"When have I ever said something just to make you feel good?"

"You're right. You've always been up front with me. Most of the time that does make me feel good. But you've never said anything that wasn't true to make me feel better about myself."

She'd sat down in the tub while talking. "Linda? Do you want me to wash your hair?"

"Oh, God. I'd love it."

"OK. Hang on a minute."

I went into my bathroom and grabbed a large cup I use to wash the soap off the walls after I shower. I know, it sounds anal, but I don't like to scrub soap scum off shower walls. The cup was a big 64 ouncer with a handle I got at 7-11 during some promotion years ago. I stopped by the linen closet on the way back and picked up another washcloth. The washcloth went on the counter, I kept the cup in my hand.

"OK. Turn on the water and get it to a comfortable temperature."

I had her bend forward and I pushed her hair over her face. It took 3 or four cups to wet the hair the way I wanted it and rinse the missed soap off her body.

I walked over to the counter, put the cup down and grabbed the shampoo. It was the last bottle of a stash I'd taken from Mom's house after she died. I put some in Linda's hair and started lathering.

I don't think I ever washed a woman's hair before. Definitely not as proud a mane as Linda's or I'd remember it. It was like nothing I've ever experienced. Her full, red hair is a sexual organ. Washing her hair, getting the feel of the hair and the hair with shampoo on it was as good as feeling a woman's breasts or her butt. "I've wanted to do this as long as I can remember."

"Uhhm," she sighed.

"OK. You're done. Do you want me to rinse you off with the cup or do you want to use the shower?"

"I think I'll use the shower." I pulled the stopper out of the tub and turned on the taps.

"How's the temperature?"

"Good."

"OK. Stand up." I gave her my hand.

We got her up and I moved her towards the back of the tub. I pulled the shower curtain to the front and flipped it to the inside of the tub. She'd had her eyes closed the whole time.

"OK. I'm going to turn on the shower. Here's a clean washcloth for your face. You can take it from there."

She rinsed for a minute or two. "Give me that cup. I'll get this crud off the side of the tub." My kind of gal.

She turned off the shower, flipped back the curtain and poured a cup of water over the side of the tub that had been under the curtain. She reached for my hand and stepped out onto the mat. "Can I have that towel?"

I gave her the towel. "Start with your hair. I'll get another towel."

I went to the linen closet and pulled out another towel. She was still drying her hair and I started on her body. "I could get used to this real quick."

"Yeah, well, don't get too used to it. I have to work for a living."

"Oh, Pete. Am I keeping you from doing something?"

"No. It's just that I don't think I can spare an hour and a half each night to give you a bath."

"Has it been that long? No wonder I'm so tired. I haven't felt this relaxed in years. And it wasn't just the bath. It was you helping me with the bath."

"Do you want to use the blow dryer on your hair?"

"No. I just like to let it dry naturally. Do you have something I can wear?"

"All the lingerie is at the cleaner's. I can give you one of my T-shirts."

"Yeah. Like that will fit."

"Hold on. You may be surprised."

I'm a big guy. After I quit smoking and drinking, I found that I really liked food. I kept putting on the pounds. From the side I look pregnant. My shirt size is a XXL.

What Linda didn't know is that I had some shirts made up for my company. I had a few guys who didn't work out, so I had some small company shirts. I got a royal blue one out of the closet.

She saw the name. "I'm impressed." She slipped it on. "How do I look?" The shirt came down to the middle of her thighs. The shoulders were a bit wide but it covered her and wasn't falling off.

"You'll do for tonight. Have you got any clothes in that bag of yours?"

"Just some dirty undies."

"Let's do some laundry so you at least have something to wear when we go shopping tomorrow."

"I don't have money for clothes."

"It's Christmas. We'll work something out."

We figured out that most of the stuff wasn't going to be worn after the next day so we didn't mess with doing different loads. I showed her the soap and she started the washer. One of the first things I learned when I got married was to leave the washer alone when a woman's clothes are in it. Even though I use the same settings, amount of soap, etc, etc, a woman knows a man will ruin her clothes if he tries to wash them. I could get away with turning on the dryer sometimes. I haven't ruined any clothes in the 9 years I've been on my own but that lesson was pretty painful.

Linda leaned against the rail on the water bed and brushed her hair as I rummaged around in the bathroom. I found an unused toothbrush, then saw I had a spare attachment for my power brush. I took them both out to her. "Which one would you like to use." She pointed to the toothbrush. I went back in the bathroom, left it next to the sink and brushed my teeth.

I came back in the bedroom. "I left the toothbrush next to the sink so you can find it. There's a toothbrush holder hanging next to the medicine cabinet. Toothpaste is in the cabinet. I there anything else you need?"

"No, I think I'll be OK. You've been great."

I gave her a quick kiss. "I know. Brush your teeth and come to bed."

She went into the bathroom. I stripped down to my shorts. I usually sleep nude. I didn't think the time was right to spring that on her. Let's play that by ear. I got in the bed.

Linda came out of the bathroom a minute later. She looked like a kid in my company shirt except for that hair. "So, you're going to make me walk all the way around the bed."

"You can climb over me if you want, but I wouldn't suggest it on a water bed. I've slept on this side the bed for 20 years and I'm not going to change it because I happen to take pity on some waif."

By this time she'd walked around and climbed in on her side of the bed. "Waif! I'll show you waif."

She rolled over and started tickling me. Of course, I started tickling her back. I've never been very ticklish but Linda can usually find a spot if she goes on long enough. She claims I'm the only one who's ever been able to tickle her. I don't have to search for the spot.

She gave up almost as soon as it started. She got a pouty look on her face, said "Stay away from me, you beast" and rolled over facing the far wall. I rolled on my left side facing the bathroom. I'd slept just like this for the last nine years. Our backs were about four feet apart.

I was thinking over the night's events when I felt the bed move. Linda moved over to me, leaned up against my back and put her right arm around me. "Is this OK? I'm not bothering you, am I?"

"Go to sleep, Linda."

It was less than a minute till I heard her breathing settle down as she fell asleep.

Chapter Five

I had to get up to use the bathroom a couple of times during the night. Each time I'd work myself loose from Linda and get a groan out of her. A minute after I was back in bed she'd be snuggled up against my back with her arm wrapped around me again. The second time up I took her clothes out of the washer and threw them in the dryer.

I woke about 7:30. My mouth tasted like I'd eaten something dead. The smell coming over my shoulder where Linda was breathing wasn't minty fresh, either. So much for a romantic wake-up kiss in bed.

I got up, brushed my teeth, put the coffee on and took a shower. My cell phone rang while I was drying off. One of my workers wondering what was on the schedule for today. I told him what I needed done and that I had some unexpected company. He was to report in near the end of the day and we'd figure out what was happening tomorrow. I put on some underpants and went into the bedroom to get dressed.

Linda smiled at me as I walked out of the bathroom. "Good morning"

"Hi sleepy. Do you want to get some more rest?"

She stretched. "Nope. I haven't slept this well in ..." A frown came over her face. "I haven't slept this well in a very long time."

"I've got some coffee going in the kitchen. Would you like some?"

"Sure. I'll have a double cappuccino latte with a twist."

"You'll have Yuban and like it."

"Yes, Sir."

I got a couple of large mugs and poured coffee in them. I got some milk out of the refrigerator and poured some in mine. I held it up to her and she shook her head. "Sugar?"

"No. Black's fine."

She took a sip as if she thought I was trying to poison her, then looked surprised. "This is good. How do you get it so strong without it being bitter?"

"It's an old Navy trick I read about in one of Jack Clancy's books. You put some salt in the basket with the coffee, then brew it. I've heard about using eggshells, but I've never wanted to try it. So, do you want raisin bran or do you want to go out for breakfast?"

"Oh, I don't want any breakfast."

"I didn't ask if you wanted breakfast. I asked if you wanted raisin bran or something else. You're too damn skinny to skip meals."

She stuck her tongue out at me. I reached over to grab it and she pulled it back in her mouth.

"I guess I could eat some pancakes if you don't mind."

"No. There's actually a place around the corner that specializes in pancakes. I've been meaning to try it out. Tell you what. You go use the bathroom and brush your teeth. Feel free to take a shower if you want. We'll get breakfast, then we'll see about finding you a new wardrobe."

We went out and had a good breakfast. She actually put some food into her body. We talked about where to go shopping. I started naming off places I was familiar with. There's a place close to me that advertises "Dress for Less." She said they usually had good prices on decent clothes, so we headed over there after breakfast.

Of course, being a couple of days before Christmas, we had to fight all the crazies looking for bargains. I'll have to say this for Linda – she's not a typical take all day to find one thing woman shopper. She spotted what she wanted and we were in line for the register ten minutes after we walked in the store. Her clothes came from both the children and adult sections. She got a couple of pairs of pants, four shirts and some socks and underwear. No bras. And nothing for bed. Less than $70 on my plastic. We decided her shoes were good for a few days but we'd check out some of the discount shoe stores in the next day or two.

We went back home and I put on more coffee. Linda went in to change while I took some junk off the couch. I was just pouring coffee when she walked into the kitchen.

"You know? Last night you looked like a dog that's walked for days to get back home. It's amazing what a difference a bath, a good night's sleep, some food and clean clothes make. You look more like my Linda."

She smiled. "The last time you called me your Linda must be 30 years ago. It's good to hear it again."

"Well, my dear. It's time for you to tell me what's going on."

We got our coffee and went out to the living room.

Linda put her coffee down on the floor and twisted her hands together. "I can't do this without a cigarette."

"OK. I understand. But I'm still not going to let you smoke in the house. Is one cigarette going to do you or are you going to need to keep one going as you're telling me?"

"I'll probably go through a whole pack while I'm telling you."

"In that case, I've got a couple of lawn chairs in the garage. It's warm enough to sit outside and you can smoke as much as you want."

Five minutes later we had three chairs on the front lawn – two for us, one for our coffee cups and her ashtray.

"God. How do I break down 20 years into an hour or two." Big breath. "Do you know how things were with my family and me after I got pregnant with Scotty?"

"Not really. Everybody seemed to be pretty cold toward him when I was back there for your wedding."

"They were on good behavior because there were guests around. I came this close to being disowned when I got pregnant. When he was born and his right hand was deformed I'm sure Mom thought it was the wrath of God. They all shunned me and none of them wanted to have anything to do with him.

"So I kept to myself. I had a few friends at work. I wasn't about to get romantic with anybody and get caught again. I took care of my son. You didn't know him, did you?"

"No, I think the only time I saw him was when you got married. He seemed pretty shy when Mom tried to talk to him. I did notice that you were the only one in the family who paid any attention to him."

"He was ten when I got married to Jim. Scotty spent most of those 10 years trying to get my family to like him. My sisters tolerated him but Mom and Dad acted as if they couldn't stand to have him around.

"There was a playground near my apartment where I'd take Scotty to play. We'd toss a football or Frisbee or he'd play with the other kids. One day we were playing football and this guy sat down next to a tree not too far from us. He watched us for a while, then told me I was pretty good. I laughed and told him I'd always been a tomboy as a kid and it came in handy having a son. He said his name was Jim and asked if he could join us.

"I threw the ball to him. Jim threw it to Scotty. Scotty threw it to me. Jim started telling Scotty to go long, go out 5 steps then turn right, things like that. Scotty was having a good time but was missing most of the passes. Jim would tell him he'd be better after he grew up, a lot of people can't catch that well, you'll do better after you get some muscles on you. Looking back on it, he was throwing it just far enough away so that Scotty couldn't make the catch, then would say something that sounded like sympathy but really was meant to make Scotty feel worse about himself.

"I look at that afternoon today after all Jim put us through and I wonder how I could ever have been fooled. Poor Scotty was so anxious for some attention that he latched onto Jim like he was the messiah. Jim could do no wrong as far as he was concerned. I appreciated a man paying attention to my son and not having to fight him off. That was another sign I should have seen.

"Jim was involved in a building project a couple of miles from my apartment. He was renting a place in my building while he was there. He lived in Texas and was going to go back after the project was done in a couple of months. We met at the park a few times over the next two weekends. Jim asked me out. He was always courteous, always made sure to pay attention to Scotty, everything seemed perfect. He found out that I'd been single when I got pregnant and that my family didn't want us around and the next thing I knew I was feeling privileged that he was associating with us. The whole time we were seeing each other he was the perfect gentleman. He never touched me. He kissed me a couple of times but it wasn't anything passionate. Scotty and I were so starved for love that the first thing close to it hooked us.

"Jim told me he wanted to get married after the second date. It should have thrown up a big red flag but I just thought it was romantic. He wasn't happy that I wanted the big wedding but went along with it, grumbling the whole time. I used my savings to pay for that thing. Mom and Dad didn't spend a cent."

Linda stood up. "Potty break."

I hugged her. She wrapped her arms around me and held on as if she was drowning. And then she started shaking as tears streamed down her face.

It must have been ten minutes before she pulled back. "God, I must look a mess. You must think ..."

"I think you're my Linda and you hurt. You need to let it out. Now go use the bathroom and I'll meet you out here."

A quick, grateful smile and she was ran into the house. I went into the kitchen and refilled our coffee mugs. I saw the reflection of my face in the window above the sink. "Steady, Boy. You know the worst is yet to come."

I looked at the microwave. 2:20. This had to be draining on her. I put some chunky beef soup in a pot and started warming it up. I was just finished putting two bowls of soup on the kitchen table when she walked in.

"Wow. Gloria really domesticated you."

"The only thing Gloria had to do with it was leaving me. It was become domesticated or starve."

"There's always MacDonald's."

"No thanks. I don't like fast food and couldn't afford it for every meal even if I did."

We ate the soup in silence, both embarrassed to look at each other too much. The atmosphere was too charged for banal conversation and neither of us was ready to get back into the earlier conversation yet.

Linda started clearing the table. "Where's your dishwasher?"

"I just got a new one. With red hair."

"Ha Ha."

"Just rinse them and put them on the counter next to the coffee pot. You can wash them tonight after dinner."

We both took a quick bathroom break, then met out front again.

"Where was I?"

"You were just marrying Jim."

"Right. Pete? What did you think of him when you met him?"

"I felt weird. Something not quite right but I couldn't put my finger on it. When I got back to Indiana I told Gloria that I thought he might beat you. I wish I'd said something to you now, but I wasn't about to ask you if the guy you were marrying beat you."

"I wish you had. He hadn't done anything yet, but if I knew you felt that way I might have done things differently when he started. It was all so gradual.

"After the wedding we flew back to Texas. Jim told me I wouldn't need a car so I sold mine to one of the girls at work. I got rid of everything else. Scotty and I had our clothes and that's about it.

"The last time Jim kissed me was at our wedding. He never made love to me. He had me go down on him the first night, then he showed me my room. I became his slave. I was stuck in the house without a car. Scotty went to school right down the street. I cleaned his house, cooked his meals and sucked his cock when he let me. He'd come in my room, force me to my knees and leave when I was done.

"Jim made it very evident that we should feel grateful that he was feeding and clothing us. He made both of us feel worthless. And he did such a good job of it that we couldn't see what was happening. Nothing Scotty did was ever any good for Jim. That poor kid worked his heart out trying to get back some of that love he thought Jim was giving him before we married. A couple of weeks before his fifteenth birthday he asked Jim if he could have a birthday party.

"Jim went ballistic. He tore into Scotty and that poor kid never knew what happened. Scotty was a worthless, ungrateful cripple who was taking advantage because Jim had taken pity on him and his worthless mother. I finally stood up to Jim and he went wild on me. First he slapped me across the face. Then he took off his belt and started beating me. It seemed to go on forever. The whole time he was telling me how worthless I was, what a whore I was, not fit to lick his boots, I don't remember all he said. He tore up my back and I couldn't lie on it for two weeks. He swore to both of us that if either of us told anyone that he would make them watch while he beat the other one to death. The next morning I found Scotty hanging from a rafter in the garage. Oh, Pete, I miss him so much."

I stood up, walked over and pulled her out of her chair by the hand. I walked her into the house and into my room. When I got to my room I maneuvered us over to the water bed. I lay down on my back, opened my arms and tapped my chest with my right hand. Linda fell into my arms, her head on my chest. "Let it out. It's OK. I'm here for you as long as you need me."