A Love Story

'I'd rather not hear about everyone else's awful experiences. I'd much rather you stayed and held my hand.'

I'd intended it as a joke, but she didn't laugh. Instead she said, 'I'll stay as long as you like. But I won't hold your hand for a few minutes, if you're OK with that.'

'Oh,' I said, disappointed, 'of course.'

She smiled. 'I'll just make us a pot of tea first.'

I didn't tell her then about Jerry walking out on me, but I did when she came round one evening a week later.

'I wanted to see how you're getting on,' she said.

'Oh, you know. I only think about suicide once every five minutes, so that's an improvement, isn't it?'

She laughed. 'Good for you.'

'Would you like a cup of tea?'

'I don't know about you, and please don't tell my boss, but I'd really like a glass of wine.'

So when I'd become thoroughly relaxed by the wine I told her all about my shitty marriage and how I'd so completely lost any self-esteem I'd started trying to pick men up in bars.

'I thought it must have been something like that,' she said. 'But you're far too beautiful to need that kind of reassurance.'

Her words were so unexpected I could feel myself blushing. I hid it behind a gulp of wine. 'I'm not,' I mumbled.

She reached out a hand and tucked a strand of hair off my face. 'You are,' she said, smiling. 'You've just let yourself go a bit.'

I laughed. 'You noticed then?'

She got me to sign up for an exercise class she went to. I made sure she would be there too. I didn't want to be on my own when I showed off my sagging body to a roomful of strangers.

'It's women only,' she said, 'so you don't have to be embarrassed.'

'Says you.'

Actually, it wasn't half as bad as I expected. The women weren't all perfect. Far from it. Some were in even worse condition than I was. Tina, of course, had a beautiful figure. I wondered why she bothered to go. She obviously didn't need to.

'I like to keep in shape. You'd be surprised how quickly you can lose it.'

'I wouldn't,' I said.

That first time I must have shed about 10 kilos in sweat, but at least I kept up with most of the routines - more or less. Afterwards Tina and I went for a coffee and I suppose that's when we started to become more than policewoman and rape victim. At first I thought she was just 'keeping an eye on me', making sure I didn't go completely off the rails. But then I noticed how her eyes lit up when she saw me and how a lovely smile formed. I started to look forward to the exercise classes, not just because they made me feel good, but because of seeing her and chatting to her over coffee afterwards.

We talked about everything. Pretty soon it felt as if we'd known each other for years. She said she'd never been married, had never even really had a steady boyfriend. I said I envied her and told her all about the disappointments of married life. She listened then said, 'Maybe that part of your life is over. You're a different woman now.'

I thought about it and realised she was right. 'I am, aren't I?'

She smiled and within a few seconds we were both laughing.

'There's a film I want to see,' she said. 'Do you fancy coming with me?'

'Are you asking me on a date?'

'If you like.'

The film was called Portrait of a Lady on Fire and it was about a woman who is asked to paint a portrait of a lady to give to the lady's intended husband so that he can see how beautiful she is. The painter and the lady fall in love, but it is not to last: the lady has no choice but to go off and marry the man she has never met. I didn't know anything about it before we went, but when I began to get the lesbian theme I whispered to Tina, 'Did you know what this was about?'

In the dimness she looked at me. 'Don't you like it?'

Although the two women on screen weren't conventionally beautiful, they looked beautiful to me. The way they looked at each other gave me a lump in the back of my throat. I longed for someone to look at me in the same way. 'I don't know. I think so.'

We were sitting in a double seat and I felt her hand squeeze mine and leave it there. When the two women were in bed together my fingers started to tremble. I wanted to take my hand away but couldn't. She only let it go when the film was over.

Outside the cinema she said, 'My car's nearby. I'll drive you home.'

Neither of us said anything during the ten-minute journey. The film had made my heart race and I could hardly think about why. I think Tina understood. When she stopped outside my house I said, 'Would you like to come in for a coffee?'

'I'd love to. But I have an early shift tomorrow. Maybe another time?'

'Of course,' I said, relief clashing with disappointment.

Just as I was about to get out, she put her hand on mine. I turned towards her expecting her to say something. Instead she kissed me on the lips. It was so brief but it felt like an electric shock.

'I really enjoyed this evening,' she said.

'So did I,' I managed to mumble. Then I was outside the car and fumbling for my keys. Behind me I heard her car accelerate as it disappeared down the road.

In the kitchen I immediately took a bottle out of the fridge and poured myself a large glass of wine. As I took a gulp of it I noticed my hand was shaking. My heart was pounding as if I'd just run a mile. My mind was a jumble of incoherent thoughts. I couldn't think straight. I needed to calm down.

What had just happened? It felt important, momentous. But what, after all, had really happened? Not a great deal, I had to admit. Tina had held my hand in the cinema during a film about two women falling in love. So what? She'd held my hand plenty of times before. It was no more than a reflex. She was just being kind. Then she'd given me a brief kiss in the car, probably by accident because I'd been the one to turn my head. She'd probably intended to kiss me on the cheek.

Once I'd thought it through I calmed down a bit. She wasn't coming on to me. We were just friends. It was only a coincidence the film was about a couple of women falling in love. She hadn't intended anything by it. And it was a beautiful film. I could understand why they'd fallen in love with each other. The lady was no Hollywood beauty but I completely understood why the painter had fallen for her. The way she'd looked at her - so surreptitiously yet so intensely. The memory of the slow burn of their passion set my pulse racing, even an hour after it had finished. The picture of them lying in bed together came into my mind. My hand trembled as I finished the glass of wine and poured myself another. I hardly dared admit it to myself, but I wanted to be looked at like that, to feel that passion.

Just as I was getting into bed my mobile rang. It was Tina. For some reason I felt nervous answering it.

'Hi.'

'Hi,' she said. 'I just wanted to check you're OK.'

'I'm fine.'

'Good. I didn't wake you, did I?'

'No. I've only just got into bed.'

She didn't say anything. I didn't want her to ring off so I said, 'I thought you had an early shift.'

'I do. But I had things to do. I've only just got into bed myself. I wanted to call you but I was worried you might be asleep.'

'Why? Is there something you need to tell me?'

'No, nothing in particular. I just wanted to call you.'

'Oh,' I said.

'You don't mind, do you?'

'Of course not. I'm glad you did.'

'Why? Is there something you want to tell me?'

'No.' I started to laugh. 'No reason.'

'OK,' she said and I could hear her start to laugh too. 'Now I know why I called.'

'Oh, why's that?'

'To hear you laugh.'

'Sorry,' I said. 'I haven't been much fun, have I?'

'Stop it, Sal. After what you've been through, you've been amazing. Honestly.'

'Have I? I don't feel it.'

'Take it from me. You are amazing.'

I couldn't say anything to that. I was worried I might burst into tears again. No one had ever said I was amazing, not even my ex-husband.

'Do you fancy going out for dinner this Friday?' she said.

'Yes,' I said. 'I'd like that.'

'Good. I'll pick you up at 7.30.'

'OK.'

'I'll let you get your beauty sleep now. Sweet dreams.'

'You too,' I said. 'See you Friday.'

I spent the next day thinking about her and the day after that trying not to think about her. By the time Friday evening came round I could barely think of anything. I had a shower and shaved my legs and everything else, put on some perfume then spent an hour going through my wardrobe, laying clothes on the bed, trying them on, looking at myself in the mirror, feeling indecisive and ending up almost in tears. In the end I put on a dress that I liked but which my ex-husband had said made me look like a tart. I thought, who cares what he thinks. Now I can wear what the fuck I like. I put my hair up because everyone says I have a good neck.

Tina arrived looking perfect. She had on a black leather jacket, a white silk blouse, a short flowery skirt and high-heeled ankle boots.

'Wow,' I said, when I answered the door.

'Wow yourself,' she said, slowly letting her eyes travel up and down me. 'I'll have to watch you. Someone may steal you away.'

In the car she didn't say much, but every now and then she would look across at me and when I caught her doing it she would smile. We sat opposite each other in the restaurant. She shrugged her jacket off and I noted that we'd both decided not to wear bras. I got tantalising glimpses of the swell of her tits through the open neck of her blouse. I worried that she could see as much of mine.

She ordered some wine but I only drank a couple of glasses. She didn't drink any and I didn't want to spoil the evening by getting pissed. The conversation flowed easily, so easily that when we were silent it seemed absolutely natural and unforced. I spent a lot of the time just looking at her. When she looked up and saw me looking she smiled and we both laughed. Once I felt her boot touch my ankle. I didn't move away and for a moment she let it rest there. She smiled at me and I felt a subtle pressure on my leg. Then she moved it away.

When the bill came we had a little tussle about who would pay. Eventually she said, 'I'll pay this time. You can pay next time.'

I smiled. 'Is there going to be a next time?'

'Oh, I think so,' she said, returning my smile. 'Don't you?'

'Yes,' I said.

In the car I didn't trust myself to speak I was so nervous about what might happen. When she changed gear she put her hand on mine. 'Don't look so worried,' she said.

'I'm sorry. I was thinking of something at work,' I lied.

She stopped outside my house and turned off the ignition. 'Have you got an early shift tomorrow?' I asked, half hoping she'd say yes.

'No, I've got the whole day off.'

'Do you want to come in for a coffee then?'

'I thought you'd never ask,' she said.

In my tiny kitchen I turned on the coffee machine and she got two cups from a cupboard.

'How did you know where I keep my cups?'

'I made you tea,' she said. 'Remember?'

We stood next to each other while the coffee machine did its thing. I could feel the warmth of her body through my dress, the curve of her hip against mine.

'Do you want any biscuits or anything?' I said, for the sake of filling the silence. I worried that she could hear the thumping of my heart.

'I'm stuffed. Coffee's just fine.'

I made two cups. 'How do you like it?'

'Just as it comes,' she said.

I took milk from the fridge. 'Doesn't black coffee keep you awake?'

'Sometimes.' She looked at me as she raised the cup to her lips and smiled. 'It depends on whether I want to be.'

I sipped my milky coffee and thought about how close we were to each other. 'Shall we sit down?'

'Let's stay here,' she said. 'It's cosy. Besides, I've been sitting down all day.' Still smiling, she looked at me as I fiddled with switching off the coffee machine. She put out a hand and tucked a lock of hair up that had fallen down the back of my neck. 'I like your hair up. It shows off your neck.'

I blushed and attempted a joke. 'It's good for keeping my head on straight.'

She ignored it, quite rightly. 'It's so beautiful I'm tempted to kiss it.'

'Don't,' I blurted out, not because I didn't want her to, but because I was so afraid that the thing I'd been anticipating was about to happen that it just came out of its own accord.

She laughed. 'You don't have to sound so panic-stricken. You're quite safe.'

I felt ridiculous. 'Oh God, I'm sorry. I didn't mean... Oh God, I don't know what I meant.'

She leaned forward and brushed her lips along the skin of my neck. I shivered involuntarily. 'There. That didn't hurt, did it?'

'No,' I murmured, taking a gulp of coffee.

I put my hand on the countertop for support. She put her hand over it as she finished her coffee. She put the cup down.

'I really enjoyed this evening,' she said.

'It was lovely.'

'Good. I should go now.'

'Oh,' I said. 'OK.'

'I don't have to,' she said, looking at me. 'But maybe I should.'

'Yes,' I said.

'Shall we do something tomorrow? Would you like that?'

'Yes.'

'We could drive into the country if the weather's good.'

'OK.'

'Or sit in a pub if it's shitty.'

I laughed.

'Maybe we could do that anyway,' she said.

'Yes, I'd like that.'

She shrugged her jacket back on. I couldn't help looking at the way her breasts pressed against the silk of her blouse. At the door she said, 'I'll pick you up about 11.' She leant forward to kiss me and I turned my head to one side so that her lips landed on my cheek. I kissed the air. She smiled at me. 'Sweet dreams.'

'You too,' I said.

I watched her walk to her car and open the door. She looked back and I waved. She waved back, got in and drove off.

I took my time getting ready for bed and once in it kept myself awake by reading. I didn't want to be asleep in case she called me. My fingers strayed to the spot on my neck where she had kissed me, imagining that I could still feel her lips on me. I told myself I was being ridiculous. I felt like a schoolgirl with a crush. I was merely flattered by her attention. It was nothing more than that.

I must have dozed, because when my phone rang it took me a moment to realise where I was.

'Were you asleep?' she said when I eventually managed to accept the call.

'I think I must have been. I tried to stay awake because I hoped you'd call.'

'Oh, did you have something you wanted to talk about?'

'No, no reason. I just hoped you'd call.'

I heard her laugh. 'I wanted to wish you goodnight.'

'Me too.'

'OK.'

There was a silence. I didn't want to ring off. Neither, it seemed, did she.

'Are you in bed now?' she said.

'Yes.'

'What's in your bedroom?'

'The usual stuff. Why do you want to know?'

'I want to picture you there. You don't mind, do you?'

'No,' I said, 'I don't think so.'

There was a silence.

'So?' she said.

I told her what my bedroom looked like, leaving out the fact that it was a complete tip with clothes and underwear, washing, books, magazines scattered about. I had a rule: only tidy up once a month. I told her the colour scheme, described the pictures on the wall, my wonderfully indulgent large double bed with all its pillows.

'It sounds lovely,' she said. 'What are you wearing?'

'Striped flannel pyjamas buttoned to the neck.'

'You're kidding!' she laughed.

'Of course I am.'

'So?'

'A pink silk nightie with thin straps that keep breaking. But it's my favourite so I have to keep repairing it.'

'I shall have to buy you a new one.'

'You mustn't,' I said. 'Anyway, your turn. What are you wearing?'

'I don't know if I should say.'

'Tell me.'

'OK,' she said. 'I'm not wearing anything.'

'Oh.' I pictured her as she had looked in the skin-tight outfit she had worn to the exercise class then as she would look naked. It wasn't difficult. She would look perfect. Though I was alone, the mental image made me blush.

'Are you alright?' she said. 'You've gone quiet.'

'I'm fine,' I said.

'Are we still on for tomorrow?'

'Of course.' Was she worried that she had shocked me? I wanted to reassure her. 'I'm looking forward to it.'

'So am I,' she said.

'Shall I bring a picnic?'

'That would be great.'

We were both reluctant to end the call but when we did, I lay in bed for ages with the phone in my hand, my thoughts a mess. Was I really falling for her, or was I just glad someone was finally taking notice of me? Was she being no more than kind? I went over and over our conversations, the coffees together, the film, the dinner, the laughing, the fleeting kisses. Then there was the way she looked at me, the way she smiled. Just thinking about her made my heart speed up. I didn't dare add it all up, to think about what it all meant. I was too afraid.

The next morning I spent hours preparing food for the picnic and putting everything beautifully into a hamper. It was warm and I suspected we might do some walking, so I just dressed in jeans, trainers and a loose top. When Tina arrived I was relieved to see she was wearing an almost identical outfit.

She drove out to the hills and parked in a space next to a tiny chapel. 'It's a bit of a trek, but the view's worth it.'

She insisted on carrying the hamper, which was heavy, leaving me with a backpack containing a couple of bottles and a blanket from the car. She set off up an overgrown path. Most of the time it was only wide enough for one, so I followed her, envying her trim bottom in its close-fitting denim. At one point she turned and grinned. 'Are you looking at my bum?'

I blushed. 'Of course not.'

'Maybe I should make you go first then I could look at yours.'

'God, no,' I said.

After about 40 minutes of going up we emerged onto a grassy area with views for miles around. There was no one to be seen.

'What do you think?' she said.

'I had no idea. It's wonderful. How did you find it?'

'We used to come up here when I was little. My parents lived in a village down there.' She gestured towards a distant valley. 'Hardly anyone comes up here. They all head for the beauty spots. But I love it. It's so quiet and peaceful.'

'It's lovely,' I said. 'Shall I spread the blanket?'

She found a spot she was happy with, sheltered from the breeze by some bushes. I went to open the hamper. 'Do you want to eat?'

'Not yet. Let's just lie here for a while.'

I sat down, kicked off my trainers, lay on my back and closed my eyes against the sun. I could hear nothing but the breeze and some birds. After a while I opened them to see what Tina was doing. She was lying next to me, propped on her elbow and looking at me. She smiled.

'Don't look at me,' I said. 'I'm all hot and sweaty.'

'No, you're not. Besides, I like looking at you. You don't really mind, do you?

'Not really. But I don't know why you do.'

'Because you're beautiful,' she said.

'Stop it. You'll make me blush.'

She lay on her back and shaded her eyes against the sun. I turned my head to look at her. I found myself studying her face, her nose, her cheekbones, her lips.

'Now you're looking at me,' she said, smiling but not turning her face towards me.

'Sorry.'

'Don't be. I don't mind.' She closed her eyes and moved her hand from her face.

I closed my eyes and felt the sun warm me. A moment later I felt her hand looking for mine. She gripped it briefly then let our hands lie together. All my senses seemed alert. I could smell grass. I could hear different birds singing and the breeze rustling in the bushes. I could feel every slight unevenness in the ground beneath me. I could feel every fingertip of her hand in the palm of mine. I was aware of every breath I was taking, the rise and fall of my chest. I could hear my heart beating. I had never felt more alive.

Some time later I opened my eyes. Tina was resting on her elbow again and looking at me. 'You fell asleep. You looked so peaceful. I wondered whether to wake you.'