A Million Years of Evolution

Preface

When I got married the second time, at my bride-to-be's suggestion, we discussed our dealbreakers. Mine were smoking, infidelity, and harm to my children. She replied that she could forgive infidelity but could never forgive giving support to another woman. By support, she meant money.

I didn't understand at the time that "support to another woman" included the mandatory child support that I paid to my ex-wife. I never missed a payment. I did not resent the payments; my ex was doing a good job of making a home for my children. It drove my wife crazy, set off a ruinous spending spree, and led us to divorce.

So that led me to the obvious conclusion: men care about their partner's sexual fidelity, women care about their partner's financial fidelity. It is the asymmetry between men and women that gives us the tension for good stories.

Consider an open marriage. A woman can get all the dick she wants by opening her legs. A man must open his wallet to get all the pussy he wants.

Of course, there is asymmetry in the courts. The court rarely cares if a woman has opened her legs, but her lawyers will try to claw back every penny he spent on pussy.

LW writers, you are missing the point. Cagivagurl, I hope that you read this, because you are a great writer, but you miss the point, too. Extramarital sex for the husband is not compensation for extramarital sex by the wife. The wife can only feel the pain and angst that her husband feels when she gives away their sexual assets, when he gives away their financial assets to other women. If the husbands started lavishing gifts, jewelry, cruises, expensive dinners, and so forth on other woman, then you will have women in a blind rage, depressed, drinking into oblivion, and plotting murder.

These responses are emotional, but we evolved emotions for a reason.

Evolution

Humans breed for survival. They do not breed for happiness, loyalty, honor, or honesty.

Surviving means having viable babies. A viable baby is a baby that grows up to have viable babies. It is a never-ending forward definition, but by the time you have grandchildren, you can be considered to have survived. Great grandchildren clinch it.

Evolution has bequeathed us a set of strategies and behaviors to promote our survival. The impetus to engage in these primitive actions is usually felt as emotion. Desire, lust, anger, and fear. These are all gifts from our forebears. It is the refusal to act on these emotions that drives us into years of therapy.

Simple strategies

• Women: bind a mate to you who is a good provider. When you are fertile, get pregnant by the available male who has the best DNA.
• Men: Isolate a woman with good DNA and a likely good mother. Keep her from other men. Keep her pregnant. Take care of your woman and offspring. Have sex with other women when you can get away with it.

Several animals have evolved these simple strategies. If humans were simple nomads, that might be enough. But humans are far more complex. Humans have evolved the tribe.

The tribe

Humans have evolved a very successful survival mechanism called a tribe. Membership in a tribe or at least association with a tribe is virtually essential for survival. Standing with the tribe determines the level of benefit one gets from the tribe. Furthermore, humans have devised a method of control and coordination that has not been matched by other animals: politics.

Revenge

If a gorilla hurts a member of a human tribe, then the tribe will organize, pick up their pointed sticks and hunt that gorilla down. They will stalk him night and day in relays until he is exhausted from lack of sleep. They will kill him, skin him, and barbecue him. Then they will do the same to his children, his mates, his siblings, and every other member of his tribe. This prevents future occurrences. Disproportionate revenge is programmed into our DNA. However, it is not always productive for the tribe. Hence, tribes have developed ways to control it. But yes, we are a vengeful species. It is instinctive.

Survival

Human survival has evolved three main imperatives:

1. Produce viable babies.
2. Nurture, support, and protect your babies.
3. Maintain standing with the tribe.

Feelings and emotions such as lust, fear, anger, anxiety, and jealousy are manifestations of millions of years of evolution directing humans to comply with these imperatives.

The relative importance of these imperatives is fluid. Maintaining standing is always important.

A man's seed is cheap and renewable. Successful insemination is low cost to him. A woman's eggs are valuable and scarce. Pregnancy has a high cost and time and resources. In most primates, both sexes can tell when a female is fertile. A human woman may be able to sense when she is fertile, but human men usually cannot, although they may respond to a woman who is responding to her own fertility. As a result, men consider that women are potentially always fertile.

A woman knows her babies are hers. A man hopes his babies are his.

This leads to different survival strategies for men and women.

Producing viable babies

Woman's strategy

A woman's strategy is to have sex when she is fertile. She will choose the most attractive available man (has the best genes). It does not matter whether that man is her mate. The urge is strong, even when the available males are unattractive. Her fertility depends on her cycle and her health. Others cannot tell when she is fertile, but she may be able to sense hormonal changes.

Man's strategy

1. Have sex with his mate she is fertile. But he doesn't know when she is fertile, so he needs to keep doing this.
2. Keep his mate from having sex with other men when she is fertile. He doesn't know when she is fertile, so he needs to keep doing this.
3. Have sex with as many other available women as possible.

Support

Woman's strategy

1. Have sex often with her mate to keep him bonded to her.
2. Have sex with other men occasionally. She may get support from them. She may convince a lover that one or more of her babies is his baby thereby getting protection and possible other support. In hard times, you are less likely to be thrown under a bus by someone you are fucking.
3. Prevent her mate from having sex with other women so that he doesn't give away support.

Man's strategy

1. Have sex often with his mate to keep her bonded to him.
2. Have sex with other women occasionally to build connections.

Standing

Different tribes have different rules for standing, but there are some general rules.

1. Standing goes down if you seriously injure a member of the tribe. Serious means that he cannot take care of himself and cannot carry out his duties to the tribe. Thus, you can give each other bruises, but not broken bones.
2. Standing goes down if you injure a child member of the tribe.
3. Standing of men goes down if you do not keep other men from your mate.
4. Standing goes up when mated to a person of higher standing.
5. Cheating is detrimental to the cohesion of the tribe. Getting caught may decrease standing. Being flagrantly promiscuous may be punished.

Woman's strategy

A woman's strategy is:

1. When fertile, have sex with the man who has the best available material. Avoid sex if there is no acceptable mate. This includes her own mate. A woman only needs the sperm donor during her peak fertility and does not mind if other women also access the same sperm supply.
2. Bind a mate to her to help her support and nurture her babies. Prevent him from giving support to other women. She binds a man by having frequent sex with him. She can encourage his support by letting him believe that her babies are his babies. A woman jealously protects her support mate from other women.
3. Get support from other men by occasionally having sex with them when she is not fertile. This encourages other men will view her babies as possibly being their babies.
4. Maintain standing in the tribe.
5. Retaliate against cheaters.

Man's strategy

A man's strategy is:

1. Keep your mate pregnant. Be sure to have sex every two or three days.
2. Protect, support and nurture babies that you identify as your babies. This means isolating a woman and jealously preventing her from having sex with other men when she is fertile. Unfortunately, men cannot tell when a woman is fertile, so this means keeping her away from other men all the time.
3. Have sex with as many different women as possible and as often as possible. Given a choice between two women, choose the one with best genetic material. This may be perceived as attraction. Ideally, choose women who are in the fertile portion of their cycle, but since he cannot, just go ahead have sex with any available female.
4. Maintain standing in the tribe.
5. Retaliate against cheaters.

We can see that item 3 means that promiscuity is built into human instinct. There is no such thing as man or a woman that is incapable of being unfaithful. If a man believes that his woman would never cheat, he is deluding himself.

Humans need other people to survive. They need their tribe. This brings a new level of complexity to human sexual behavior. Although humans have evolved to being part of a tribe, the evolution of the type of tribe is very much in flux. Thus, we have many tribes with different rules.

Most tribes recognize a man's need for strategy number 2 (we will call it M2). Thus, a man is allowed to be belligerent toward other males to keep them away. The tribe may allow a man to rough up other competitors and even his spouse, but they will not accept the loss to the tribe of the services of the roughed up parties. So, you can push, slap, and punch, but do not kill or injure to the point that they cannot carry out normal hunting, gathering, and maintenance activities.

Most tribes recognize that there will be promiscuity, but they also recognize that open promiscuity can be destructive to the cohesiveness of the tribe. They may codify acceptable behavior. There will be different rules, laws, sins, and sanctions but it comes down to this: promiscuity will happen, but it should be kept out of sight.

Thus, a normal woman will cheat, but if she is functional, she will keep it out of sight. Cheating and hiding the cheating are survival skills. If her mate catches her, he may discard her. The survival value of that choice is that the woman who gets caught is less functional and therefore less desirable as the mother of his children. He would rather bind himself to a woman with better survival skills.

Anger that a man might experience upon seeing his spouse having sex with another man or that a woman might feel upon seeing her mate giving support to another woman are the impetus to act upon our evolutionary strategies.

Instinctive imperatives

• There is a reason for fidelity.
  • Males need fidelity from their mate to ensure that they are raising their own babies.
  • Females need fidelity from their mate to control resources.
• There is a reason for promiscuity.
  • For females to get the best genetic material.
  • For females to get support from other males.
  • For males to spread their seed.
  • For males to get support of other females.
• There is a reason to hide promiscuity.
  • To keep your mate
  • To maintain standing in the tribe.
• There is a reason for sex outside of direct procreation.
  • Females to bond to mate
  • Females getting support from multiple males.
  • Promotes tribal cohesion if it is out of sight.
• There is a reason for a belligerent response to infidelity.
  • For males to keep other men away from their mate
  • For females to keep other women away from her provider.
• There is a reason to limit the response to infidelity.
  • To avoid serious injury.
  • To avoid losing an asset to the tribe.
• Standing in the tribe matters.

Cultural imperatives

These are imperatives based on standing within the tribe. These can override the instinctive imperatives. Successful tribes usually suppress promiscuity and belligerence. There have been experimental tribes (communes) that experimented widespread non-monogamy and those that support forced cuckoldry (personality cults). They usually fail, often spectacularly, within a generation.

Paradigms

Normal

• The couple are nominally monogamous. Both members are belligerent, but not injurious, toward infidelity by the mate. Both are prone to cheating, but if they do, then they try to hide it. The male is expected to be belligerent toward other males getting too close to his woman. Failure to do so will decrease his standing. Some aggression is expected and tolerated, but do not kill, maim, or seriously injure the rival. He is making sure that his mate's babies are his babies.
• The female is expected to be belligerent toward other females getting too close to her man. Failure to do so does not substantially decrease her standing. She is mostly protecting resources.
• Both members expect the other to become angry if they are caught cheating.
• The couple needs have sex to bond.

Male cuckold

The male allows the female to have sex with other males. The male loses standing in the tribe with compromises his ability to provide support and protection. The female is free to choose the male with the best genetic material when she is fertile. This is usually an evolutionary dead end for the cuckold male, leading to the exclusion of his genetic material from the gene pool. There are very few willing male cuckolds. It could pay off for the male, only if he could assure that some of the mate's babies were his babies and the support that she gets from other men exceeds his loss of ability.

For the male

In primitive society with no contraception and no DNA analysis, it is almost a sure thing that the female will choose other men when she is fertile. The male cuckold is almost always excluded from the gene pool. The willing male cuckold should be considered defective and removing him from the gene pool makes the tribe more viable.

In modern society with contraception and DNA testing, it is possible for the male to know that her babies are his babies. If she gets a lot of support (money) from other men, this could be an advantage, however the male still suffers from loss of standing. The willing male cuckold should still be considered defective.

Highly negative with respect to the normal situation.

For the female

She gets to have a dedicated provider, men on the side, and access to the best genetic material when she is fertile. She may need to hide her promiscuity from the tribe, but not from her mate. The downside for her is the mate's loss of standing which may make him a poorer provider and, bonding with the mate suffers. Overall, this could be beneficial to the female. Higher exposure to disease.

Female cuckold

• The female half of the couple allows the male half to have sex with other females.
• Some benefit over the normal situation. He has all the advantages of a normal relationship, and he is not inhibited by his mate.
• If the mate is good provider, then the there is little impact on the female. If the male is a poor provider, then she may lose some resources that the mate spends on other women. Slightly negative compared to the normal situation.

Swapping

• A straight trade. This is nominally survival neutral. The probability that a man might raise a child that is not his is the same as the probability that another man might raise his child. It can be gamed such as only trading when one woman is fertile, and the other is not. Theoretically, it has the advantage of creating more diversity in the babies and letting the participants build a coalition for mutual aid. However, it goes against instinct to isolate one's mate. May have a minor negative effect on standing, hence there is a tendency to hide it.
• Generally positive for the man. He has the chance of combining his DNA with a different woman and the advantage of spreading his children to other families. It gives a better chance that one of his babies will survive. Probably positive with respect to the normal situation.
• Generally positive for the woman. She has the chance of combining her DNA with a different man and getting support from another man. Probably positive with respect to the normal situation.

Polygyny

• One man with many wives.

• Generally positive for the man.
• If the man is one of the best providers of support and DNA, then this can be good for the women. They still have the option of cheating to get good DNA.
• The women get built in support from the other women.
• Generally negative for the tribe as it takes mates away from other men.

Polyandry

• One woman with many husbands.
• Generally positive for the woman.
• Generally negative for the men.
• The men get built in support from the other men.
• Generally negative for the tribe as it takes mates away from other women.

Completely open marriage

• Both mates are free to have sex with others without there being a quid pro quo.
• For the man, most of the disadvantages of being a male cuckold except that he can attempt to have sex with other women without being hassled by his mate. It may be a way to save face if he was headed toward a male cuckold situation.
• For the woman, most of the advantages of having a male cuckold mate except possible loss of some resources from the mate.

Bottom line

• Both men and women want a faithful partner
• Both men and women want to cheat.
• Both men and women want to avoid being caught.
• Both men and women are expected to react when they catch the mate cheating.
• Both men and women are expected to not over-react to cheating.
• Burning or dumping a cheating spouse when there is no available replacement is not a good survival strategy. Remember, we don't breed for happiness.
• Both men and women would choose to cuckold their mate openly if it gave them complete control of the mate and access to other partners.

Martian Slut Ray

The slut was always there. What changed is the cost/benefit analysis.