A Study in Scarlet Ch. 03

"I think that I've hurt him badly, Renee," Esther whispered, as much to herself as to her friend. "I think that I've hurt him so badly that he even refuses to face me.........and I don't blame him.....I really don't blame him," she said tearfully. "Sorry.......every time I think I've no more tears to shed, I start again."

Straightening up, Esther got to her feet and pleaded, "Renee, could you please stay with me for awhile. I need to do something and I really could use your support. Could you stay for a bit?"

"Of course, I'll be happy to. I only wish there was something more constructive that I could do," Irene replied.

Esther looked at her watch and turned to the phone, muttering, "I hope that he's still in his office," as she dialed.

Woody? Hi, this is Esther. Yes, I'm fine. Woody, could I ask a favor. Could I come and see you in the morning? Yes......yes......I've decided to give John what he wants. No, no conditions......yes....., okay, thanks."

Esther turned and faced her friend. "Irene, I'm going to give John the divorce. I know he's not going to see me or speak with me; I'm just kidding myself. He at least deserves to get some closure, I'm going to. give him what he wants.....that's the least I can do," she said as her voice faltered.

Irene had paled a bit. "Esther, wait. This is crazy. I know that the two of you love each other and I can't believe that the two of you can't get over this problem. Let me talk to John again. Maybe I can get him to see reason," she pleaded.

Esther just shook her head. "No, John needs to get his life started again. Fighting the divorce just isn't fair to him. He's made it quite clear that our marriage is over and I really have no one to blame but myself. I was stupid and unthinking and this is the result of my idiocy. I'm not going to kid myself any further," Esther voice had strengthened, then became hesitant.

"But please, Renee. Just stay with me for awhile. I really could use your support," Esther begged.

"Of course I'll stay. I'll stay as long as you want me," Irene reassured her as she rose and moved to hold Irene's hands which were as cold as ice.

********************

"She what? Say that again..... Esther's not going to fight the divorce?" John Watson stood there, stunned at the information he had just received from his attorney.

"Woody, what's going on? She's got to be trying to pull a fast one. We both know Esther, she doesn't give in that easy.

"Okay, okay, Woody. Let her come and we'll see if she goes through with it - see if she signs without any preconditions. I'm not going to hold my breath though."

"Dinner? Sure, good idea, Woody........... Yeah, I know where that is. I'll meet you there around 7:00, ok? Good, see you then."

John wandered through his home, now preoccupied with the information he had just received. He felt somewhat conflicted and he couldn't understand it. He should feel justified, satisfied that he was getting what he wanted. So why this feeling of discontent, this sense of uneasiness? This is what he wanted, right? There was really no other option, was there? He continued to meander through living room to kitchen, back to the living room, pausing at the spa alcove, then moving into the bedroom, back to the living room where he sank into a chair.

"What the hell is wrong with me," he muttered. "Shit, I'm getting what I want," he continued. "Fuck it," he said aloud. "I need a beer," and he went into the kitchen and got a cold one from the fridge. He lifted the bottle to his mouth and was startled by the ring of the phone.

"Hello......Oh, hi Renee. What's up?........................."

"Renee, Renee. Forget it.......Oh, oh.......sure. I'm meeting Woody Holmes this evening, but you're more than welcome to join us. You heard me speak of him, Irene. No, no, I mean it. I'll call and tell him that you're joining us. You guys should meet anyway. Look, I'll pick you up around 6:30 or so. We'll go together, and Renee, no more nagging, ok?"

"Yeah, yeah, so I'm a hard ass, too bad. See you this evening. Bye"

********************

Later that evening John and Irene entered the restaurant and approached the table already occupied by Woody Holmes. John, his mind still preoccupied with Esther and the pending divorce, introduced his two friends perfunctorily. He then suddenly noticed the silence and looked at his companions, still standing by the table.

Irene was actually blushing, her cheeks were blazing. And Woody, damn..... he was standing there holding her hand and it looked like he wouldn't ever let it go.

"Hey, hey, you two," laughed John. "You're like two teenagers meeting on a blind date. I take it that you kind of like each other?"

Woody also turned red and released Irene's hand. "Uh, uh, sorry.....sorry about that. I......uh......I."

Irene, cheeks still pink, laughed a little self consciously and quickly took a seat at the table.

"Jeez, ok, ok. What? Did you two hear bells or something? Talk about being bowled over. If I had known I would have gotten the two of you together long ago," chuckled John.

"Enough, Johnny. You're embarrassing Woody.....and me too for that matter. Behave yourself," retorted Irene, but with a faint smile on her face.

It was an interesting evening, especially since little was said concerning the topic uppermost in John's mind. They quickly came to the conclusion that they would have to wait until Esther actually signed the divorce papers before they would know what she was up to. Any speculation now would be pointless.

So dinner and the conversation was centered on Woody Holmes and Irene Adler, rather pointedly leaving John as the odd man out. This didn't disturb him one bit and he sat most of the evening with a bemused smile on his face, watching and listening to his friends becoming more and more enraptured with each other. Their mutual attraction was so obvious and John quickly came to the conclusion that this meeting could be very fortuitous. Perhaps Woody found someone who could finally heal the pain of his wife's passing, and Irene finally a man who wasn't a loser.

Dinner over John excused himself and headed to the men's room. Finishing his business quickly he washed his hands and strode across the room back to his table. Seating himself he looked at his friends enquiringly as Woody began stuttering a bit.

"Uh.....uh.....John. Uh....look," he stammered, turning red all over again. "I hope that........this is......."

"Oh, for pity's sake," Irene interrupted. "John, Woody would like to drive me home. I'm sure that you won't mind," Irene said quickly, her cheeks now pink again.

"Well, I don't know about that," John teased. "After all I'm the one who picked you up and drove......."

"John," Irene warned.

John laughed and gazed affectionately at his friends. "Of course not, I won't mind at all."

********************

"Esther, it's nice seeing you again, even under such less than ideal circumstances," murmured Holmes as he took her hand. "Please, come in and have a seat."

"Thanks, Woody. You can understand how difficult this is for me. Please, let's get this over with as soon as possible. I just want it over and done with, and I want you to know that I do understand John's refusal to see me or speak with me," Esther concluded.

Holmes sat and gazed at her for a moment. He noticed how pale and wan she appeared. He again realized how difficult this was for her and sighed. "I'm truly sorry, Es. I tried to change his mind, but you know how stubborn he can be. I'm truly glad you're not contesting this, glad for the two of you."

Esther nodded and again asked for the paperwork. Woody placed the appropriate documents before here and she signed without even reading what was before her, which astonished him.

"Es, you're not going to read the thing?"

"What for, Woody. I trust you, I know you're a competent attorney. You know what to do and I know that John is not going to screw me over. He has a lot more integrity than I," she said softly and had the grace to blush.

"Esther, listen to me," Woody said sharply. "I know you and I know how much this is tearing you apart. I intent to confront John again, especially now that you have signed with no preconditions. You know he's a fair minded person and I suspect that one of the reasons he fought about talking to you is that it was a precondition to your signing. He felt he was being forced. Now that you have signed, I bet that his attitude may be less rigid."

Esther just shrugged her shoulders. "Whatever, Woody. I will understand if he doesn't change his mind. I destroyed my marriage and I can't blame anyone but myself. I had hoped that John and I could at least remain friends, but...........," she paused and tears again came to her eyes.

"Sorry, Woody. I've got to learn to control myself," she whispered as she rose to her feet. "Please forgive me, I've got to run," and turned and quickly left the office leaving Holmes standing and shaking his head in pity.

Holmes stood, deep in thought. He then sat down slowly and reached for the phone. "Hello? Renee?"

"Yeah, it's me. Listen, honey. Esther has just left my office and I'm truly worried about her. She signed the divorce agreement without even reading it through..............yeah, surprised is not the word.

"Listen, I know how close John is to you. Could you arrange to meet with him and tell him that it's over. That Esther has signed and make sure that you tell him about the fact that she didn't even read the conditions of the divorce. I kind of think that we can make him feel just a tad guilty about his refusal to talk to her........."

Woody laughed, "yeah, we are meddlers, but this is in a good cause. Great, I'm glad that you agree. We both know John, once he settles down a bit, he is reasonable and rational. We both agree that he should talk to Esther and I think that he eventually will........ okay, you take it from here. Are we still on for tonight? .........Good, pick you up around 7......bye, honey."

********************

John Watson approached the door of the home that he once shared with his wife with some trepidation. He felt a tightness in his throat and he could feel the sweat on his brow despite the chilly weather. He stood at the door for a moment, wondering whether giving in to the urging of Irene and Woody was a good idea. He truly didn't want to reopen old wounds. He truly didn't want to even think about Esther's infidelity; every time the scenes of the hotel lounge came into his mind he shuddered and felt his stomach heave.

The last conversation he had with Irene still rankled just a bit. Irene had repeated what Esther had told her. Irene insisted that Esther wasn't trying to excuse her behavior, that it was a combination of her being high on the success of the project, the amount of alcohol she had consumed and Jim being there with her, complimenting her, flattering her.

"Bullshit, Irene," John had exploded. You're telling me that it was just a matter of propinquity???? That when she isn't near the man she loves she loves the man she's near????

"Knock it off, John. You know damn well that's not what I mean," Irene snapped back. Fortunately they were both able to calm down and Renee finally convinced John to meet with Esther.

But, John almost turned to leave when the door opened and Esther stood there, silhouetted by the light behind her. "John? John, please. Please come in," she pleaded.

John straightened, turned and forced a smile to his lips, a smile which was obviously forced. "Okay, thank you, Esther," he muttered as he entered what at one time was his home. His eyes darted about and he noted no changes - everything seemed to be exactly as it was when he left. What did catch his eyes was what seemed to be a light patina of dust over everything which astonished him a bit. Esther was always a rather fastidious person and dust or dirt was anathema to her. He didn't comment.

"John, thank you for agreeing to see me," Esther said softly. "I truly do appreciate that and I promise that I won't keep you longer then necessary."

"Okay, Esther. Woody and Irene prevailed upon me to come and let you speak with me. I really can't see how it will benefit anyone, but in appreciation of the fact that you're not contesting the divorce, I gave in and agreed to meet with you," John replied, but with no warmth - his voice flat.

Esther swallowed. She knew that John wouldn't make this easy, but she was resigned to this most difficult confrontation. She knew that she needed to tell John the truth and to acknowledge her total stupidity, and she prayed that at the least he would forgive her. Esther knew somehow that his forgiveness would be a catharsis for her - a symbolic cleansing of her conscience.

"John, please just listen, please. Listening will benefit me," Esther responded, her eyes pleading with him. John paused, his eyes boring into her, nodded, then sat stiffly in one of the chairs. "Okay, Esther. I'm listening," he said.

Esther took a deep breath and began. "John, please, if you believe nothing else, please believe me when I tell you that I have never slept with Jim or any other man except you, and I never had any intention of doing that. I know that what you saw that night seems a direct contradiction of what I just told you, but it's the truth, pure and simple."

John interrupted, "Esther, the truth is rarely pure and never simple."

Esther colored a bit and again implored him to listen. "I wish I could explain my irrational behavior that night - I have thought of little else, wondering why on earth I allowed that to happen. Let me admit now, I have no excuses. For those few moments in time I was someone of whom I am totally ashamed. I've tormented myself, I have asked myself again and again why I allowed Jim those liberties." Despite her resolve, Esther could hold back the tears as they streamed down her cheeks.

"I wish that I had a simple answer for you." she continued with a catch in her throat. "The only conclusions I could come to was the relief and joy I felt at the successful completion of the contract and the amount of alcohol I consumed. You know that I have never had more than a glass of wine, ever since........" Esther paused, flushing at the memory of that New Year's party.

John just sat there with a blank expression on his face. He felt his emotions roiling and his anger almost surfaced when she reminded him of that incident, but he figuratively bit his tongue. But, strangely enough, he believed her when she said that she hadn't slept with Jim or anyone else. That belief brought him no relief, but instead even more emotional conflict.

"I also have to admit that I was just a little angry with you. I felt that you should have been more supportive, more understanding. I know, I was being unreasonable, but that was my frame of mind. It's no excuse, but that was part of what I was feeling. I've gone through the whole thing again and again, and even I recognize that stupidity of what I'm saying to you. All of these things are so shallow and superficial and I can't even begin to tell you how horrible I feel, but believe me, John, you can't hate me any more than I hate myself." Esther paused again and reached for a tissue to wipe her eyes.

"Sorry about the tears, John. I promised myself that I wouldn't do that, guess that's another promise that I couldn't keep," she whispered. Esther then looked at John, a plea evident in her eyes, "John, is there anyway that we can get over this, counseling, whatever - anyway we can save our marriage?"

John looked at her for a moment, sighed and sank back in the chair. He gazed at his wife and felt an emptiness, a terrible sense of loss. He spoke softly, "Esther, answer this question. If I hadn't interrupted you and Moriarity that evening, can you truthfully tell me that you wouldn't have wound up in bed with him, you wouldn't have allowed yourself to be seduced, you wouldn't have been unfaithful?"

Esther gasped as she recognized the inevitability of her answer. She was honest enough to admit to herself that that would have been the result of that night's activities. She suddenly knew that what John was stating was true - she would indeed have become an adulteress. She turned even paler, knowing what her answer must be, but John just waved his hand dismissively.

"You see, Esther, that's the rub. You betrayed our marriage when you allowed that asswipe to kiss you as he did. You betrayed our marriage when you returned his kisses as passionately as you did. You betrayed our marriage when you allowed him to undress you in that booth and fondle that which you had promised to only one man - me - your l husband, the man to whom you vowed your fidelity."

John's voice had risen and he made a conscious effort to calm himself. He didn't want this conversation to degenerate into a verbal brawl. "Do you understand what I'm saying, Esther?"

The question was rhetorical, Esther understood now exactly what John was telling her. For some reason, she never gave any thought to what the conclusion would be to the activities of that night. Now it was suddenly made very clear to her. She couldn't deny that - she knew that John was right. She would have wound up in Jim's bed and she felt a surge of nausea, a sense of hopelessness.

Esther just sat, shaking her head, the tears coming again. John looked at her pityingly. "I feel sorry for you, Essie," he continued, now gently. "I feel sorry for you and I feel sorry for me. Perhaps it's not all your fault, I guess that I, at least in small part, can share some of the blame. Perhaps I should have been more supportive, more understanding, but to be honest, that in no part excuses your behavior that night. In any event, the question that I have to ask myself is both simple and terribly complex.

"What would be easier for me? Would it be easier for me to live with suspicion or regret? Is it be possible for me to get past this mess and go on with our marriage? Can I live my remaining years with the lack of trust that I have in you, the suspicion that once again you'll betray me? Can I go on, constantly looking over my shoulder, so to speak, wondering if or when you'll "slip" again.

"Or can I live my life without you - with the regret that I'll always feel at the breakup of our marriage. The regret that you didn't love me enough to remain true. The regret that I wasn't enough for you. The regret that while I can and do forgive you, I just wasn't strong enough to forget." John paused, feeling his own eyes begin to tear.

"I'm sorry, Essie. I just can't live with suspicion......... regret is easier."

John rose, paused for a bit, his heart going out to his wife who sat huddled in the corner of the sofa, sobbing. He turned and slowly made his way out of the door and into the night.

The End