tagHumor & SatireA Study of the Effects of School Girl Uniforms...

A Study of the Effects of School Girl Uniforms...


A Study of the Effects of School Girl Uniforms on Adult Males

It had been an enigma over time, a complicated puzzle of forced femininity on creatures who by all rights are already feminine, a torture impressed upon helpless young people in order to eliminate individuality and promote mindless conformity. The mystery in question is the Catholic Girl School Uniform (or CGSU). The mystery is not in its use or effects on discipline, but rather the arousal effects on adult males, and more inexplicably, the desire by many women including fifty-something housewives to wear them for their hubbies (or just about anyone else).

This discourse is to declare our findings to get people thinking about this odd medical condition and its possibly dangerous effects on the male population. The Division for Irresponsible Studies polled 4107 adult males ages 18-56 on their sexual interest in women wearing the CGSU. Each of the subjects were allowed to view a 19-year old model wearing the following CGSU: One button-down white blouse, one blue and green tartan kick-pleat skirt one pair of knee high socks (black) and black loafers. The men were allowed to look at her for no more than five minutes, at a range of ten feet(1).

The results were impressive: 4072 (99.15%) of the males tested wanted to “Ball her out of her little parochial socks”. The remaining 35 adult males (.85%) had no reaction to the model whatsoever and felt no sexual arousal to her or her outfit(2).

The burning question is why men become mindlessly aroused at the sight of this outfit, even to the exception of their attraction to the woman underneath? Our hypothesis is that the outfit best fits existing theories of breaking up the body line to move the eye to different parts of the body, thus efficiently cataloging important body parts, as well as placing a kernel of dominance in the viewer with the implied inexperience of the wearer(3). This is the case in Catholic School girls and as well as adult females who wear it due to its crippling sexual effect on the male psyche. Further, we want to suggest that the Catholic Church is behind the use of the uniform, not to maintain uniformity, but for other reasons. Seeing that the Catholic Church is run by men, we suggest the following two theories.

1. The Catholic Church likes seeing its co-eds in sexy outfits, further these outfits are designed to lure men to Catholicism.

2. Catholic priests are not into little boys as much as was once thought, or at least the Church is trying to sway them back to heterosexuality by parading its female members before them en masse.

First, let us look at the uniform itself, carefully comprised of elements designed to make men drool, but as a whole creates an outfit almost impossible to resist. Second, we will examine the outfit’s constituent parts and other nuances of the CGSU that cause it to do what it does for even mediocre women(4).

The CGSU serves two purposes: To display and suppress. With its short skirt, and white blouse(5), the uniform is designed to flaunt assets. This may seem detrimental to some women who have no assets to flaunt or would rather not flaunt assets in abundance(6), but even those women are enhanced by the reputation of the outfit. In its suppression mode, it eliminates individuality, style and flair, all cornerstones of a woman’s wardrobe to be comfortable, to impress or to attract. The uniform forces sexual attraction, again by its reputation, more than by whomever is in it.

Furthermore, since it’s a tool of the Church, and Catholic School Girls and those who have grown through such programs, are expected to respond to certain stimuli and show a certain level of submission. The uniform enforces this, and men know it. The first thing Catholic School girls do when they get home is tear off the uniform(7). This is because they do not like them, and hate what they do to them and what they represent. Only later are they picked up(8) again as there full power is completely understood.

As for the elements of the outfit themselves, the outfit’s power is understood as each one is analyzed for its role in the entire ensemble. The elements of the CGSU are a white button down blouse, a sweater or vest over that in school tartans, a short kick-pleat skirt in matching tartans, short socks or knee high socks, and loafers. Together, obviously, this outfit has a debilitating effect(9), but we must analyze it piece by piece to fully understand what causes it to grip men so effectively(10).

First, let’s look at the vest or sweater. In many cases, it is tight, effectively lifting and molding young underdeveloped breasts(YUBs). In cases where the sweater is not so tight(11), it still offers the only level of mystery in the ensemble. “What lies beneath?” drives men to fantasize about the naked form below it. This revelation plays on documented studies that men who watch fully naked forms lose interest sooner than when watching scantily or fully clad forms due to the fantasy factor(12). This opportunity to fantasize is the hook that brings the other elements into play to ensnare the subject. Beneath the sweater lies the shirt or blouse, a white button down shirt similar to dress shirts worn by men. The shirt plays on further fantasy of the man coming home from work and finding his wife/girlfriend/lover/roommate lounging at home in one of his shirts.

The effect is impressive. First, he believes that she’s been thinking about him all day, half naked, and thus is ready to jump all over him. Further, she is conforming to his style, thus being subservient. Second, the simple view of her in his shirt, her hair over her shoulders, and bare legs stretched out before her on the sofa(13), looking very inviting indeed. When he becomes aroused, he gets a choice, another trap: He can lift her shirt-skirt for coitus(14) or remove the shirt in order to view her breasts(15). The shirt can remain on, become unbuttoned or be removed altogether. Either way, the desired effect is achieved and arousal gives way to intercourse (16). The white shirt alludes to these pleasures subliminally and men see women as wearing the whole uniform, and not just the shirt, for the purpose of their own arousal and ego gratification. In other words, submission and desire are heaped on top of each other at multiple levels to influence the male subject.

Obviously, the tops have a deep psychological effect on the male populace, but the apparel below the waist is no less debilitating. The most important element is the short skirt, which moves freely and rises with just about any movement(17). This makes seeing the front and rear pelvic areas(18) much easier, and thus more accessible to horny males. The skirt’s ability to show thigh under a light breeze(19), makes it especially devastating to men, especially those trying to conduct difficult and dangerous actions(20). The socks are critical to the bottom portion of the outfit. As the skirt sections off the pelvis and upper leg(21), the socks section off the feet and lower leg, effectively displaying three sections to look at: The pelvis(22), the upper thighs(23), and the shins/feet(24).

Choice of socks is critical to certain women, but both can have a powerful effect on men. The small socks should be reserved for women with small/cute feet(25). These display the thighs and calves in skin tone providing more leg to view, while focusing the third view on little cute feet(26). The knee highs are better worn by taller, leggier women(27), and show less skin(28), but give you longer leg sections in the third view, and provide more mystery, much like the sweater(29). The shoes are usually loafers, preferably black, but often brown. They do not contribute to the sexuality of the outfit at all(30). However, this is usually compensated for by wearing those big clunky Frankenstein platform shoes/heels. These shoes serve four purposes in order to attract men:

1. They make them look like hookers(31)

2. The women appear to be non-conformist, but look like the rest of the CGs wearing Frankenhooker shoes, and are thus conformist, and along the intended lines of the outfit, repressed. This reinforces the image of submission, further exciting the men.

3. Guys like the idea of banging(32) them with nothing on but their platform monstrosities.

4. Girls who where them look ridiculous, trying to appear more experienced than they are, thus coming out as more naïve and inexperienced(33).

It is obvious that the CSGU is designed specifically to ensnare men and theoretically to raise the power base of the Church. With these findings we conclude the following:

1. Catholic Priests are missing out.

2. The Catholic Church is just plain cheeky.

3. Nuns who start doing pot get into the habit(34).

Researcher’s note: This study would be more effective with a visual file of the CGSU. Any contributions would be appreciated(35).

(1) Average time subjects were able to stay in the room without Overheating/Blowing their wad: 4 minutes, 17 seconds.

(2) Further study showed this breakdown of the minority responses: 12 homosexual(x), 17 brain-damaged, 6 deceased.

(3) With the exception of those repressed and horny Catholic Girls and those Catholic Girls who have mastered the excruciatingly slow and numbingly pleasant hand job (See biomechanics study 17.4E).

(4) Defined as women guys would turn down in front of their friends but would beg for coffee when by themselves. Why? Because they’re guys.

(5) Which is just one water spill away from a cheap show.

(6) Read fat.

(7) Occasionally followed by screaming and unholy cursing as they chew out the horny guy across the street spying her from a tree.

(8) 94% of these individuals have web sites.

(9) The research crew took this opportunity to take a cold shower.

(10) Preferably before they grip themselves.

(11) Or girlfriend got snubbed on YUBs

(12) 87% of subjects survey mentioned they just wanted to see her pull it over her head and thrash around in her little skirt when she gets her head stuck.

(13) Researcher’s note: Second cold shower

(14) Also known as Shagging: See Boinking

(15) Followed almost immediately by coitus (see 14).

(16) See 14.

(17) Including walking, twirling, jumping and being lifted from the rear with a stick.

(18) Hereafter known as the Goodies.

(19) Like that of a well placed portable fan ;)

(20) Oh, like changing lanes at high speed in heavy traffic while trying to see some panty on the two chicks on the sidewalk.

(21) As well as flapping up to display the goodies.

(22) Technically noted as the Groinatological Region

(23) AKA the SVV

(24) Heh, heh, you said shins.

(25) And burn victims.

(26) And what’s wrong with that?

(27) See Nikki Cox

(28) (Sarc.) Oh no, just thighs.

(29) If the knee-highs and sweater match, bonus!

(30) Yes, really.

(31) And what do hookers do?

(32) See 14.

(33) With the exception of (3), although they can’t be sorted from the others until they get their hands on men.

(34) I’m sorry. Really, I am.

(35) :P

(x) 7 of the 12 homosexuals wanted to know where the model got the material for her skirt.

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