A Tale of Two Paramours Ch. 34

I thought for a moment, trying to unpack everything my blonde lover had said. And I could not fault her conclusion, as I knew what she said was true. I had feelings for both Jessi and Jessika, which is why I did not want to give either up. And as Jessi had said, if it had been just sex, I think I could have made a decision.

"Jessi, I love you..." I started, but my words trailed off as the young woman shot to her feet and start pacing around the tiny kitchen.

"Be easier for us both if you didn't," she said, not looking at me. "Be a whole fucking lot easier if I didn't love you. Like I said, I never thought I would love someone, let alone like I love you."

"I know..."

"I'd do anything for you. Anything. You want to fuck Amara again? I'll get her over here and watch you do it. Fuck, I'd get you hard afterward so you could fuck her again. You want Sheri too, fine. You want me to suck my own blood and shit off your cock? I'll do it."

"Jessi, I know that is not true. You are trying to say what you think I want because you want to keep our relationship going. I understand. I have been bargaining like that with myself for a reason not to do what I know I need to do."

"You don't get it at all, do you?" the young blonde groaned, her eyes finally meeting mine. "I'm not just saying I'd do those things so you stay with me. I'll really do them. All you have to do is sack up and make me what I know I am—you're fucking slave."

For what seemed like an eternity, we stared at each other. During that time, the part of me that wanted to stay with Jessi, that wanted what she was offering, explored all the possibilities The problem was that none of those with Jessi included Jessika, and a stronger voice in my head spoke up, telling me that I wanted to keep Jessika in my life more than I wanted to keep Jessi in my life.

But that was not quite true, I realized. I wanted to keep them both, but I knew I could not. And in the context of losing one of them, I believed it was better for my own mental health—and likely for Jessi's as well—that I not let our relationship continue the way she thought it should continue. In the long run, we would both be better off for having not succumbed to such extremes.

"When we are together, Jessi, we end of going down some really dark paths together. You say that you like that, and that you think it is who you really are, but it is not who I am. I do not want to be your master. I cannot be your master. It would be a struggle for me each and every day, a struggle with myself. In the end, I think we would both resent each other, if not worse. I will not, I cannot, subject either of us to that. I am so sorry."

"You're really doing this," the young blonde whispered, blue eyes wide. "After I let you fuck my ass, you're really dumping me."

"That is part of the problem, Jessi. You did not let me have anal sex with you. You set it up so that I made you do it."

"Because I couldn't have gone through with it otherwise. You had to make me for me to do it. I've told you that. Over and over."

"And I do not want to do that anymore. Not like we do. It is too much for me, and worse, I think it is too much for you. You just will not admit it because you think you need to be my slave for me to choose you. But I do not want you as a slave."

"You want the girl on the couch reading the book."

"I did. I do. But you have done everything you could to convince me she is not real. And I am accepting that you believe she is not real, even though I think that you do not give yourself enough credit."

"Would you choose me if I was here?" Jessi asked, her voice trembling. "I'll try to be. I'll try my fucking best. No more Master/slave stuff. I promise."

"But that would not be you, really" I sighed. "Just like what you want is not me. You would be the one struggling all the time to be something you are not."

"But you think I am her!"

"I wanted you to acknowledge a different part of yourself than the part on which you focus. And you tried, I know, but I realized I was attempting to make you pick a part of who you are over all of who you are. That is how I feel about things you want me to do, and I did not want to keep doing that to you."

"Please, Mark. Let me try to make it right for you. I won't push you anymore."

"Is that what you want? To have to deny part of yourself? I should have never made you try to do that."

For a moment I thought Jessi was going to say something more. But instead whatever had been holding back her tears broke, and she sank to her knees on the floor and sobbed. As I watched her, I felt something break in me as well. I knew I did not have any other course, as I still believed this would eventually be the best for both of us, but I could not stand to see her like that. I knelt down with the young woman and held her. We likely stayed that way for twenty minutes or so, then it was over as quickly as it began. Jessi, her eyes red but dry, climbed to her feet. I followed suit, wiping at what was left of my own tears.

"I should go," I told her, my voice hoarse.

"Yeah, you should," she shrugged, her voice as lifeless as her expression. "I'd ask for one last fuck, but you'd just think I was trying to keep you from leaving. And I wouldn't blame you for thinking that. It's what I did earlier. I'm fucked up like that."

"Please do not think or say that, Jessi," I urged her, rubbing her arm. She did not react at all to the contact.

"Why not? Isn't that what you were just telling me? I'm too fucked up for you to stay with because I'll fuck you up too. Well, fuck you up more. You already got your own shit you need to deal with. That's not all on me."

"I was not saying that at all."

"I lead you down dark paths that make you feel bad about yourself and bad for me," she said, her tone devoid of emotion. "You didn't say that?"

"It is too dark for me. Maybe it is not so dark for you."

"Oh, it's pretty fucking dark. I know that. I just thought you brought some light to it. Now I find out it was the other way around, that I was bringing my darkness to you."

"It does not have to be so dark for you, Jessi. You are an amazing woman, smart and kind and beautiful. You just need to be able to see the light in yourself. I cannot be that light. You yourself said it a little while ago, that sometimes I treat you more like I am your parent than your lover. That is not what either of us needs."

"You must be right. But I'm too fucked up to see anything like that."

"That is not what I am saying."

"Are you going to keep talking or are you going to leave? I don't want to hear any more of your bullshit."

"I will be leaving, I guess."

"I wasn't kidding about wanting a last fuck, Mark."

"I thought you were not going to ask that."

"I'm not asking. I'm telling. So, if you want to fuck, I'm game. Not sure how good it'll be though. I can feel my thoughts trying to break into millipedes."

"What?"

"I tend to think of my thoughts as centipedes and millipedes. My normal anxiety is a bunch of centipedes. But when things get really bad, they morph into millipedes and multiply so it is nothing but churning legs and chaos as the bounce around in my head."

"I... okay..."

"A therapist once told me to think of my thoughts that way then box them up and not let them out. It didn't work. They never stayed in the boxes. Now I don't bother with the boxes, but I can't get the centipedes and millipedes out of my mind. I know—I'm fucked up."

"Are the millipedes what you think of when having a panic attack?"

"Yeah. Mostly. Unless I'm pissed. Then they are multi-colored beetles that explode into blasts of light."

"Do you need to take your medicine?" I asked, amazed that we were having a calm, seemingly rational, discussion about centipedes, millipedes, and exploding beetles as metaphors for her thoughts and anxiety.

"Oh, I'm sure I do. But I'd rather drink or fuck. Right now it's fuck, since I the millipedes all go away when we do that and I like it better than being drunk."

"What about the beetles?"

"If they're around when we fuck, which they are when I'm pissed, they explode even bigger than normal until they're all gone. Don't worry—only a couple of beetles are there right now. But the centipedes are multiplying into millipedes, so I need your cock or a drink."

"I think the medicine would be better..."

"I think you not dumping me would be better. But I have no say in that. I have a say in this."

"Jessi, I need to leave."

"Whatever. I'll be on the bed. Join me or not. Oh, by the way, I've never told anyone else about the centipedes, millipedes, and beetles. Of course, you know lots of shit about me that no one else knows, and you still don't give a fuck."

"Jessi, I do care about you. That this, us together, is not good for either of us does not mean that I do not love you."

"Not enough, I guess. Not enough to stay with me, and not enough for one last fuck when you know it will help me calm my mind."

"We've discussed this 'not enough' issue before. It is not a matter of how much I love you, but whether our relationship is toxic. And I believe it is toxic for both of us on a fundamental level."

"Yep. That's me. A toxic, bat-shit crazy nympho slut who want one last time with the first guy she's ever loved, and probably the last guy too."

"You are not manipulating me into sex again, Jessi."

"Okay, add manipulative to the list. I got it."

"Jessi..."

"My cunt's sopping wet, by the way. Even you breaking up with me makes me hot as shit for you. How fucked up is that?"

"I am going."

"You keep saying that, but here you are."

"You said you were getting on the bed, yet here you are still talking to me, naked. Maybe this is not easy for either of us."

"Good point," the slender blonde said, removing her t-shirt than her shorts as she spoke. "I'll follow through with mine. What about you?"

Jessi hopped up onto the bed, lay on her back, spread her legs, and fingered herself with one hand while playing with her modest breasts with the other. I was well aware I should not allow myself to watch her. But I could not help myself. And as I watched her and listened to her increasing moans, I felt my body responding to the scene in front of me.

"Well, are you going to leave or what?" Jessi inquired, her breathing quickening as she masturbated.

"Jessi, I do not want to do anything to make this worse."

"I can't see how you could make this worse. Or better, for that matter."

"What do you want me to do?"

"Stay with me. Dump her. But I know better, so I guess make love to me," she said, her voice breaking on the words 'make love'.

That was too much for me. Yanking off my clothes, I joined her on the bed. The young blonde pulled me into a crushing embrace, our naked bodies pressed together as her lips found mine. For some time I lost myself in that kiss, never wanting for it to end.

"I'm ready, Mark," Jessi whispered when our lips finally parted.

Nodding, I pushed myself up with one arm while positioning my penis with my free hand. As I pushed into her with a slow, continuous motion, Jessi inhaled and bit her lips. Those intense blue eyes of hers, brightened even more by the tears forming in them, held my gaze. Neither of us spoke.

Slowly at first, I moved in and out of her, long gentle thrusts in time with her breathing. And when her respiration grew more rapid, my actions did as well. Within a couple of minutes, we had fallen into a driving rhythm, her perfect breasts rising with each breath and bouncing with each simultaneous thrust. My eyes twitched back and forth from her chest to her lovely face, on which her tears mixed with perspiration, as she used her legs to pull me in closer to her while her hands roamed my arms and chest.

I am not sure how long we kept it up, as time seemed to have no meaning. All that existed was the two of us, our bodies melding in silence only marred by our breathing. But a long protracted moan from Jessi's lips broke the trance. Her eyes held mine for a heartbeat, then rolled up as her face and chest flushed and her body stiffened. And if those had not been proof enough she was climaxing, her vagina squeezed my shaft tight enough that I had to stop mid-thrust.

"Jessi..."

The blonde shook her head, then pushed my chest. For a moment I did not move, then I rolled off and onto my back, annoyed that she seemed to want me to stop before I could finish. But my next thought berated me for being selfish. What he had just done was for her, not for me.

While I was musing over my thoughts, Jessi straddled my hips, grabbed my erection, and guided it inside of her still well-lubricated sex. She settled down onto my groin, put her hands on my chest, leaned toward me, and rocked forward and back. The sensation was exquisite, and the notion that I would miss her tight, ready vagina reared up in my mind. I attempted to think about Jessika, about how much better a fit I was with my brunette lover in almost every way, but I could not force my mind to focus on anything but the feeling of my younger lover—soon to be ex-lover—riding me. And as I did, I finally understood why Jessi wanted to do this, wanted to experience this feeling one last time.

Without any warning, Jessi changed her tactics. Pushing herself fully upright, the young woman bounced up and down on my shaft, her already rapid breathing growing even quicker. And as she picked up speed, I grabbed her modest breasts, twisting them and pulling her nipples, eliciting several moans from the formerly silent Jessi.

"Fuck," the young woman rasped, the first word either of us had spoken since I had first pushed inside of her.

Seconds later, her eyelids fluttered closed and her muscles tensed. The spasms of her vagina were not as intense this time, but still, her tightness gripped me as the orgasm took her. And this one seemed to last longer, as if she had hit a high note and was holding it.

I opened my mouth to ask if she was okay, but in that same instant, Jessi's eyes snapped open. And while we looked at each other, tears began to flow down her face. Again I started to speak, but the blonde stared me down. Unable to look away, I watched her cry even as her expression turned from sorrow to determination.

Leaning down so that her chest was mashed against mine, the blonde kissed me. It was soft kiss all lips and no tongue, yet it sent a shiver through my body. When she was done, Jessi sat upright, using both hands to sweep her hair back. A slight smile graced her sensual lips, at odds with the still flowing tears. I reached up and wiped the tears off her cheeks. Jessi inhaled a shuddering breath as she grabbed my hand and kissed it.

"I'm gonna make you come," she whispered, letting my hand fall.

After another deep breath, Jessi put her hands on my chest and raised her hips until only the tip of me was inside her. She held that position for a moment, those incredible blue eyes boring into me. Another thin smile preceded her ramming herself down so that her warm, wet sec engulfed me again. But I did not have time to fully enjoy the sensation of being all the way inside her before Jessi became a flurry of motion, moving up and down my erection faster and more forcibly than I would have imagined possible.

My eyes dropped to her chest and I watched those modest but perfectly shaped breasts of her bounce. Without consciously deciding to do it, I reached out and grasped them both, twisting and squeezing while a moaning and grunting Jessi continued riding me with frantic energy. I told myself that I should be careful so as not to bruise her, but my hands seemed to act on their own, applying more pressure until her moans turned to whimpers. I shifted my gaze back to her face. Her tears appeared to have stopped, although her face dripped with perspiration, making it difficult to be certain.

As Jessi's breathing became more and more labored from her continuing efforts, I began to worry that she might wear herself out before I reached my climax. I pondered warning her, but I was enjoying her efforts too much. Further, I doubt she would heed my warning. So, I let her keep going. And as she worked, my release came closer and closer at a maddeningly deliberate pace.

"Are... you... close?" she panted after a few more minutes of exertion.

Not sure I could speak, I nodded, which prompted the pretty young blonde to close her eyes and let out a long sigh. A heartbeat later, her stare again locked on me, her blue eyes afire with an intensity greater than any I had ever seen in them before. Gritting her teeth, Jessi pushed herself to go faster. The sensation of her tightness sliding up and my shaft at such a rapid pace became almost unbearably intense, and just before my climax hit, I grabbed her waist and stopped her motion, holding her astride my groin, my penis fully penetrating her. And it was with both mental and physical relief that I exploded.

I was lost in my own pleasure for a couple of seconds, and I did not at first register the vaginal spasms gripping me as I finished ejaculating. Opening my eyes, which I had not been aware I had closed, I saw Jessi's mouth opened wide, soft lips trembling, in what looked like a silent scream.

"Are you okay?" I asked her, and ay my words she focused her gaze on me.

Nodding once, she leaned forward and kissed me. While this one, like the prior, did not involve our tongues, it conveyed love, passion, longing, and sorrow from just the way Jessi's lips moved against mine. At least, that is what I took from the kiss.

When our lips finally parted, Jessi stared down at me for several seconds, renewed tears building up in the corners of her eyes. Then, without a word, she rolled off me, hopped from the bed, and headed to the bathroom. As she walked, my eyes locked on her small but nicely rounded derriere for a second. At the thought of never seeing her like this again, never being with her like this again, I pushed myself to a sitting position and opened my mouth to call her back. But the time I had taken to stare at her bottom provide to have been too much, as the door shut before I could speak.

Following her off the bed, I went to the closed door and tried the knob. It was locked. Putting my ear to the cool wood, I thought I might have heard a sob, but then the noise of the shower drowned it out. I raised my first to knock. After a few seconds of doing nothing, I let my arm fall back to my side.

After pulling on my clothes, I took a slip of paper and a pen from a kitchen drawer. Sitting down at her small table, I tried to think of something to write. At first, no words would come, but then they filled my mind in a rush and I hurried to put them on the paper.

"Jessi,

I love you. You are an amazing young woman, and I believe that you can be so much more than what you think you can be. I am sorry I could not be who you needed me to be to help you discover this for yourself. But I know you will one day, and someone will be lucky to have all the love and passion that you will be able to offer them. I will miss you, and no doubt think of you quite often, but I know this is the best for both of us.

Mark."

I reread the note several times, but I could think of no better way to express my feelings. After placing the note on the table and the pen on the note, I took one last look around Jessi's small studio apartment. My life had changed so much since my first visit to it, my first time being with the young blonde. Wiping away a tear, I donned my coat and opened the front door. With just a brief hesitation, I walked through the doorway, making sure the door was locked then drawing it shut behind me.

***

As it was late when I left Jessi's apartment, I did not call or text Jessika. I drove straight home and collapsed into my bed without bothering to undress. I expected to toss and turn, but I was so mentally exhausted that sleep came quickly.