A U-Haul in the Holland Tunnel

It was a couple of years before I moved out of our house in Southern California and took a job in New York City.

I didn't take much with me - I was starting over again, and it made more sense to rent a dinged-up U-Haul box truck, pile as much as I could into it, and drive across the country to the apartment I had rented sight unseen. Living dangerously, right?

Even with a lot of planning it was kind of trip that had some challenges along the way. None of those, though, were like the very end of the journey: It is always the "last mile" that tests your mettle.

Take my word for it, there's nothing quite like driving a big, overstuffed box truck with balding tires through the Holland Tunnel at rush hour.

By the time I Ieft Los Angeles my departure was long overdue. My wife and I had grown apart, and to make it even more "interesting" - to use a word - my wife was a Libra. The astrological sign for Libra is a pair of scales, like those held by Lady Justice, you know, the blindfolded goddess. For a Libra the two scales signify indecisiveness, a swinging back-and-forth between two extremes.

That described my ex-wife perfectly, especially when it came to sex.

Most of the time she'd show no interest. I'd try - I'd cook romantic dinners, spend money on lingerie she's never wear, surprise her with a bit of jewelry she'd happily wear, buy a nice bottle of wine she'd eagerly drink, set up candles - but none of that stoked any interest. She knew what I was suggesting, for when we'd crawl into bed she'd say "Honey, we can have sex any time that you want...." and then, before the sentence was finished, I'd hear "Zzzzzzzzzzzzz."

Snoring. Not gentle snoring, but Olympian, lumberjack-quality snoring, the sounds ripping through the bedroom and knocking pictures on the wall off-kilter.

And yet - yet - every now and then, maybe every other month - everything would change. Some other part of her personality would take over. The scales would flip.

She'd take a long shower before bedtime, and as she'd sit on the mattress and take off her towel she'd suggest that I go down on her. "You know what would be REALLY nice tonight..." she'd coo, "if you would do that thing I like so much. You know..."

And then she'd become insatiable, as if she had posted an "open for business" sign at the Late Night All-You-Can-Eat Pussy Buffet.

I'd settle down between her legs, smelling her soap and faint scent mingled together. I'd give her inside thigh a soft kiss, teasing her a bit, and then do absolutely nothing...making her anticipate...and then I would lick her, long and slow, along her tight slit, and then again while pushing the tip of my warm, moist, firm tongue just inside her fleshy lips.

Right about then she'd start to sigh, and then she'd squirm a bit, like she was trying to get more comfortable, or scratch an itch. Before long she'd be thrashing her way through one orgasm after another, on her way to her usual quota of four or five.

At that point the scales had totally flipped, and her inner beast was unleashed. She'd smash my face into her crotch. She get so wet that I'd be gurgling down there like a man drowning in a bowl of udon noodle soup.

And she would say things - foul, nasty things. Loudly.

I loved it.

She'd transform from a frumpy, plump, overweight suburban housewife into a gutter-mouthed wench. "Fuck YES eat my pussy! Stick your tongue in there - deeper, Oh God, Oh God, Jesus I'm cumming!!!" and on, and on, and on, over and over, each shout nastier than the last. "Stick your tongue in my hole, goddammit! SUCK my PUSSY!!"

By that point I'd be so turned on that my dick would ache, trapped under me against the bedsheets. I'd be afraid I'd cum just from rubbing against the sheets at that point, as I held onto her hips while she bucked and moaned and said unspeakably nasty things.

But I'd try not to cum because, after she'd have her four or five orgasms, she'd pull on my hair as if she were trying to scalp me. I'd slide my swollen, aching cock into her hungry, wet dripping hole and fuck her until I'd blow my load as she urged me on and clawed my back, "THAT'S IT, FUCK THAT PUSSY! GIVE ME THAT FAT COCK!!"

And THEN, even as my cum still oozed out of her bright pink, swollen, sloppy pussy, she'd fall asleep with that lumberjack snore, "Zzzzzzzzzzz...."

Now, maybe you are thinking "Sounds great! Who cares if she had a split personality? The sex sounds hot!" Maybe, as you are reading this, you can feel an erection growing between your legs, or a bit of dampness in your panties. You can touch yourself thinking about it - I would too. I get it. It was hot - at first.

The thing is, nobody wants to eat udon noodle soup for every meal - and then only on a random, infrequent basis.

Which is why, when I was face-down in her vagina one night fluttering my tongue over her tiny hard clit, my mind started to wander. I was wondering the same thing every married guy wonders at some point...what else? How can we enhance our boring sex life?

I lapped away as I wondered, slurping up her nectar.

As usual, she was so wet she had darkened the sheets, her labia a delicious, slippery, pouty pudding of desire. As I licked away my jaw was starting to hurt, and I was having trouble breathing down there, so I lifted up my head for a second.

That didn't go over well.

"For God's sake don't stop now, I'm going to cum again!" she cried out from somewhere above me, as she reached down to push my face back into her pubes.

But my jaw really hurt.

So I brought my arm down from her hip, where I was trying to hold her down so she wouldn't break my nose as she thrashed. I dipped a few fingers in her gushing cunt to make them nice and wet, and reached up to rub her clit. Which she loved. "Harder, oh fuck, press down harder..." and she came again, her pussy contracting inches from my eyes, as if it were clapping in happiness. Yay, Happy Applauding Pussy!

That was actually kind of cool, I thought - I'd never seen THAT before! "I wonder what would happen," I thought to myself, "if I put one of these slippery digits in her ass." So I put my face back on her pussy and starting licking her clit - guaranteed to make her cum - but slowly. And as she ground her crotch against my face I slipped a small, well lubricated pinkie finger into her ass.

She came immediately, screaming out in pure pleasure. "OH MY GOD FUCK YESSSSSS." I felt her rear tighten, as if she were trying to drive my finger deeper in her asshole. I was actually thinking "I wonder if she'll break my finger" as she clamped down and her ass-orgasm pulsed over and over. She uttered one final exhausted "Oh my God!" and then hit that sleep switch.

Afterwards, as I listened to her snoring in the damp sheets like an exhausted truck driver, my mind wandered some more.

If she loved my finger in her tight, hot, heinie hole, why not my cock? What would that be like, to fuck her in the ass? The way her puckered pink rosebud spasmed on my pinkie when she came...I bet that would be incredible if it were my cock. And my finger seemed to be OK, despite it all, so I don't think she'd actually break my cock...

As I laid on the bed and tried to sleep, the more I thought about it the more I wanted her ass - I could tell by the way my cock was getting hard again as she snored. But I knew that, much like anything worthwhile, this wasn't going to be easy.

Yet even as I was thinking about it I felt myself rising to the task. I stroked my cock quietly as I thought about being balls deep in my wife's ass, and eventually shot a big sticky load of jizz over the idea, aiming for her rear end, and when I emptied my balls and spurted for the second time that night I left a white coating on her butt.

The next morning there was nothing to suggest that anything was different except the dirty bedsheets. Even without a reminder, though, I couldn't stop thinking about how hot it was when her ass was twitching on my finger. I kept looking at her nice plump rear end during breakfast as she got us coffee, noticing how her yoga pants so nicely outlined her crack, and thought about pounding her ass.

So I made a plan.

Over the next couple of weeks I gathered what I needed and staged everything in my nightstand. I knew from a few years of blue balls and hopeless "asks" that when she disappeared into the shower before bed it would be "game night" - she always took a long shower before enticing me to go down on her.

The weeks passed slowly, first one, then another, and then - on a Wednesday, unusually - she casually tossed it out. "I think I'll take a shower before bed."

"OK Dear, have a good one."

The minute I heard the water running I moved everything I needed to the foot of the bed, carefully placing it within easy reach for when I'd be face-down in her honey pot. I turned down the lights, rumpled the sheets a bit to hide things, and waited.

She emerged wrapped in a big bath towel, her face flushed from the steam. She dropped the towel to put some cream on her legs, and I noticed that her nipples seemed hard, most likely as she was anticipating my tongue on her puss.

Or maybe, I thought, she had been diddling herself in the shower to get warmed up, or even getting off on the detachable spray head as she held onto the shower's grab bar. I felt my cock stirring at the thought.

She capped her bottle of lotion, crawled into bed, and cooed. "Honey, it would be so nice if you would...you know...do that thing."

"Yes My Love, I was hoping you'd ask."

I got up on my hands and knees and started kissing her, working my way down, kissing her shoulder, her breasts; sucking her nipples, and then kissing down her stomach until my nose was in her thick curly bush.

I gently nudged her legs apart and settled in between her knees, kissing inside her thighs to tease her, and then dragged my tongue along her slit for that first, teasing touch. She gasped, as she always did, and then put her hands on my head, running her fingers through my hair.

I nibbled, licked, and probed with my warm, wet tongue. Her sighs grew louder and then began to turn into moans. I reached up to cup her heavy breasts and found her nipples with my fingers, hard and off to the sides as her heavy boobs sagged on her chest, and I rolled them between my fingers, something she always loved when I ate her pussy.

As she continued to moan I flipped the lid on the bottle of lube I had tucked into the sheets, squirted some on my hand, and slipped a shining pinkie into her ass - with the same effect as last time.

"OMG I love that in my ass, yes!" She smashed my face down on her vagina even as she pushed up at me and started to hump my face.

It was time to slow down - to tease her. I licked her, slowly, and slid my slick finger in and out of her butt hole a few times. She squirmed. I looked up at her, my face all shiny with her juices.

"Is this OK, My Love?" I asked - knowing full well the answer.

"Just do it - More, don't stop!" she said, as she tried to raise her hips off the bed and get her pussy closer to my face.

"Honey," I said, "if you turn over I can do it better." She was horny and didn't even think about it - she rolled over onto her stomach, and as she did I suggested a few pillows under her stomach to "make her more comfortable." And to make sure her ass was up in the air and accessible.

As she turned over I lubed up the small vibrator I had picked up earlier in the week at a strip-mall adult store. She settled onto the pillows and I leaned in to lick her pussy from the rear, tongue fucking her vagina the way she loved and then, after she started to hump the pillows, I teased the tip of her asshole with the lubed toy.

"What's that?" she asked in a muffled voice, from face-down in the pillow.

"A toy I think you'll like." I heard a muffled "huh?" and before she could turn over I switched on the vibe and slid it between her cheeks to touch the rim of her asshole. She flattened herself against the pillows, and her muffled moans told me she loved it. I rubbed her clit as I teased her asshole with the vibrating toy and she kept wriggling, as if she were trying to get the vibe insider her rear - so I helped and slipped in the tip, then pulled it out, and then slid it in again.

Each time I pulled the vibe out she tried to push back, as if she were trying to keep it inside. I pushed it deeper, and then further, until I was slowly, carefully fucking her tight ass with the small vibrator.

After barely a minute or two, as she continued to moan, I heard her say "I'm going to cum again" - and I pulled out the vibe. "NOOO, PUT IT BACK IN, DON'T STOP, WHY DID YOU STOP!? PUT IT IN MY ASS" as she wriggled her butt in the air.

I stopped because it was time for the next step, toy number 2.

Toy number 2 was bigger, fatter, and more lifelike. Not as big as my cock - but longer and thicker than the first vibrator. It was rubbery, with a flesh-like texture, and most importantly it had a flared cock-head and some veins.

I quickly slathered lube on it, switched it on, and put it against her rosebud. She just said "OHHHH..." and pushed back, slowly. Ever so slowly I pushed it in, little by little, as I continued to rub her clit.

"AHHH, THAT'S BIG" and then "OH FUCK YES!" she yelled into the pillows as her orgasm started to roll over her. She was rocking back and forth as best she could on her stomach, as if she were trying to fuck the toy in her ass. I did my best to oblige: pushing it in another inch, until I felt it slide past her sphincter, and then deeper. I rotated the control switch and the vibrations picked up, the sounds changing from a slow buzz to a louder one, as if she had a hive of pissed-off honeybees trapped in her bowels.

"Oh fuck, that's it, that's it, that's it..." She had adjusted quickly to the bigger toy in her ass, so I picked up the pace and started to egg her on.

"You WANT this in your ass, don't you?"

"OH JESUS YES..."

Then I stopped - and asked an obvious question, just to hear the answer. "More?"

"CHRIST Don't stop." But I didn't move.

"What do you want"

"STICK IN THERE DAMMIT, C'MON...FUCK THAT ASS!" as she tried to push her rear up.

"You mean in your shithole?"

"YES< FUCK MY SHITHOLE YOU BASTARD!" I started to fuck her for real with the toy cock, with steady, deep, firm strokes, twisting it a bit so she could feel the veins, and then a bit faster, in an out. I could tell that her next orgasm was approaching as her strangled, muffled moan got higher-pitched and louder.

It was time. I pushed her knees further apart - they were already splayed wide to give me access - slathered lube on my rock-hard cock, and got on my knees behind her. I ran the tip of my cock up and down her ass crack, once, twice, and then placed it just against her tight asshole as it gaped open at me.

It was all I could do to keep from ramming it in - my cock was aching and I just wanted to cum- but I didn't think it would be that easy. She knew exactly what was poking her from behind, and turned her head. "Nooo...it's too big. Don't do that. Not that!"

Now - she was right about one thing - and to be clear, there's no bragging here, just math, physics, and biomechanics - I mean, we get what we get.

My cock's 8.5 inches, thick and cut. I can send you a picture - that's just the tape measure talking, not me. I've had a few women who have had trouble taking it in their pussy - telling me "easy, you are much bigger than my husband" - but that's for another time. And no, I've never run around a locker room making comparisons. The key thing is that I was about to drive my larger-than-average U-Haul up my wifes' Holland Tunnel poop chute and it was going to be a tight squeeze and needed to drive carefully.

Even as she said "Nooo, it's too big" she was pushing back against the head of my cock, trying to see if it would go in. I grabbed the bottle of lube and drizzled some on the head of my cock, my fingers, and then put three fingers in her ass, making everything crazy slippery, telling her "here, this will help." She moaned when my bunched-up fingers slid in, and then when I took them out, and put the head of my cock back, she started to press me in, just a bit.

"You liked those toys in your ass didn't you?"

"OH GOD YES."

"You liked those toys fucking your sweet ass, didn't you?"

"YES YES YES YES."

I reached down and under her, and rubbed her clit to make her even crazier.

"You like to get fucked in the ass, don't you, you nasty woman..."

"No, no" - but as she said "no" she was squirming against - pressing against my cock - and then it popped into her ass and past her sphincter. I put my hands on her hips to hold on, and held myself steady. In an instant she went from saying "No..." to "FUCK MY ASS WITH YOUR HARD COCK! FUCK IT, GIVE IT TO ME!"

"What?"

"JUST FUCK MY ASS, GOD DAMN IT, JUST FUCK IT."

"Show me that you really want it!!"

She began to move, slowly at first, getting used to the size, and then started to move more quickly.

Her hole was so tight and warm I thought I might lose it right then and shoot my load into her guts, but I wanted to make it last as long as I could.

"Like this? You want me to fuck your ass like this?"

"God yes...FUCK THAT ASS, fuck that DIRTY HOLE, GIVE IT TO ME, GODDAMN IT!

"How about if I slap your ass while I fuck it?" And with that I slapped her butt cheek with a loud "crack!" filling the bedroom.

"YES, SLAP YOUR BITCH AND FUCK ME STUPID..."

By this point she had crawled up on her hands and knees. Her heavy tits were hanging down and swaying, and she was slamming her ass back against me - if I hadn't been hanging on to her large hips she would have knocked me over as she tried to drive my cock even deeper into her rectum. My aching, full balls were smashed between us each time she hit bottom, and I felt like I was fucking a porn star - or perhaps just the other half of my wife's split personality.

I reached under her again, contorting my arm once more as she frantically pounded back at me. I found her pussy, then her clit, everything all sloppy and wet and greasy and lubed, and diddled her pink button, pushing her over the edge. She was almost unintelligible - she just kept yelling out, each time she rammed back at me, "FUCK IT FUCK FUCK IT FUCK THAT ASS..."

And then I felt her cum - I felt her ass, already so tight and hot, spasm around my aching cock. That was all it took - I started to cum, over and over. I pulled back on her hips to impale her, to feel her around me as I shot into her, and it was the most intense orgasm I ever had, as if she were milking my cock and balls, and as she screamed out in pleasure I could feel my cum running out of her, down her crack as she kept twitching on my dick as my last spasms emptied my balls.

I was drained and almost dizzy. All that planning, patience, and that crazy orgasm - I fell forward on top of her, my cock still in her bung hole, and tried to catch my breath. She was asleep almost instantly with my pecker still in her ass, as if she wasn't going to let it go.

As usual, she never said anything that morning. My cock almost hurt a bit from being jammed in that tight space.

About three weeks later she popped into the shower before bed - and we were at it again. Same thing - lots of lube, toys, and her eagerness and excitement turning her into an ass-fucking wench. But for some reason it wasn't the same, and the next morning she said "you hurt me. My butt hurts."

Now that's a funny way to put it.

I was patient, just like last time. We used lots of lube, just like last time, and I let her set the pace and push back, like last time. I mean, if she climbed on a bicycle and fell off, would she say the bike hurt her?

Actually, knowing her, yes.

Our sex life gradually dwindled away, and we eventually divorced as amicably as could have been hoped. I lost interest in going down on her long before we split up, and for all I know she eventually suffered from vaginal atrophy - the clinical, medical diagnosis associated with the "use it or lose" rule.