A Walk Changed Everything

"After I caught how I was looking at Cameron, I looked at you.

"That was the exact moment I saw you as not only a friendly neighbor, but as a beautiful, attractive woman. I suddenly realized how much I like you, Brandi. Not just like. But like -like."

"Like like -like, huh?" she asked.

"Yes. Like like-squared . I love spending time with you. The walks and conversations we've had have truly helped me continue to heal. Discounting the first time you and I very awkwardly encountered each other, we've been walking and talking for almost six months. I realized, only then, that, not only are you a beautiful person, you're a gorgeous woman, not simply a double-x-chromosomed human. I know I probably sound moronic, but I'm trying to be honest," I said, feeling the weight on my shoulders easing.

"My late wife was beautiful. You're not beautiful like her. You are beautiful … like you . I hope you understand what I'm trying to say. I guess I've gotten to the point where I can, you know … appreciate your appearance without feeling guilty that I'm being unfaithful. I loved my wife more than anyone can ever know, and I will always love her. But … it's changed. It's a different sort of love."

"I think I understand," she said, stepping closer to me.

She held her hands out to me, and I took them in mine.

"Robin, you've gone through a crap-ton of shit. I can relate, and I feel the same way. I kinda like-like you, too."

"You do?"

She pulled my arms around her and held my body close.

"Yes. I do," she said, looking directly into my eyes.

I felt her hand move to the back of my neck. She ran her fingers sweetly through my hair and pulled me even closer.

She kissed me.

She kissed me!

"Oh, my," I moaned in the release.

"You okay?" she whispered, stroking the back of my shoulders.

"Brandi, I beg you to be patient with me because I don't know where this road goes, but … your kiss … yeah. Just … yeah. I like this road."

I tentatively offered my own kiss, which she accepted with her soft, warm, gentle lips.

"Yeah," I whispered. "Please be patient with me."

"I will if you're willing to do the same for me," she replied before she hugged me with tender, compassionate warmth.

May 5, 2017 (time unknown)

"Corrie, I loved you."

"You're there, Robin."

"Do you forgive me?"

"There's nothing to forgive, my last. Live!"

Though the dream awakened me, I smiled.

"Corrie, you were the best part of me," I spoke into the still air. "I want to love and be loved like us again."

It was the first time I'd slept in the master bedroom in over two years.

Summer – Fall, 2017

The walks Brandi and I shared were so fulfilling because … holding hands feels good. And hell, there's nothing wrong with kissing a tall, beautiful airline pilot, especially when said pilot is wearing casual summery clothes like shorts or a breezy dress, is there?

Our relationship strengthened and grew. I knew I wanted to be close to her every moment I could.

The summer was full of ups and downs.

The worst of the downs occurred in June when I lost my job. I was laid off.

But it turned out to be a boon instead of a bane. Brandi encouraged me in two ways. First, she encouraged me to work freelance, and I was able to pick up some part time gigs writing for a few newspapers and a couple of e-zines. The pace changed, which took some getting used to, but it kept a roof over my head and food in my pantry.

Her second encouragement was for me to write a book. It began a cathartic experience. The one I'd started was fact-based fiction. It was about a marine who, completely unbeknownst to his entire unit and its aloof command, goes rogue to exact revenge after another, who also happened to be the object of his unrevealed affection, was killed by an IED.

A big "up" came in October when the state finally settled in the wrongful death of my late son and wife. The lawsuit was closed shortly after an article written by one of my former coworkers was published in the paper. His investigation revealed lapses in the KDOT system, documenting numerous instances where heavy vehicles weren't being properly inspected. Preventative maintenance was lagging.

The check came via certified mail. I called my attorney, seeking her advice, before I endorsed and deposited it. After all, it'd be the final signature relinquishing all future claims. She told me I was good to go, reminded me that I owed her firm its 30% contingency fee, and to also call a tax adviser to ensure I knew what to expect come April with the windfall.

I went to the bank which held my mortgage, wire transferred the balance to them, and was told I'd have the promissory note and lien release mailed to me within five days.

November 15, 2017

I realized I hadn't had more than an occasional dream about my wife or son in months, and the ones I had made me feel … warm.

Instead, I was dreaming of another woman, and those dreams made me feel not only warm, but whole .

I decided it was time, so I began the process of removing photographs, being very careful to keep them protected as I collected them into an archival envelope. My plan was to give most of them to Corrie's mother, along with a thumb drive of all the digital photos I had of her daughter and grandson. Whatever her father would think of my gesture was irrelevant. I'd lived with the grudge for far too long.

Brandi came for a visit while I was engaged with the task, and I welcomed her inside my house.

"Why now?" she asked, noticing the empty spaces on the bookshelves and walls.

"Because I've not been fair to you to keep them up."

"What do you mean?"

I paused for a moment to assemble my thoughts and words.

"I'll always have a place in my heart for Corrie, but I don't want you to think I haven't let her go, or that I'm not moving on. I told you a while back I will love her until the day I die, but I am no longer in love with her as I was. She's a warm part of my past, but … I'm moving on."

"You're such a sweet, sweet man, Robin," she whispered, taking my hands in her own. "I know it has to be difficult to do this."

"I'll admit it's bittersweet. It is. I find myself examining every detail of every photo I take out of a frame, and the memories warm me. They no longer devastate me. That is, all but this one," I said, holding up my phone. "I just can't bring myself to store this one away."

It was the best of the snapshots our nurse captured of Corrie, Robert, and me right before we were escorted out of the hospital, thirty minutes before their lives ended.

I felt her squeeze my hand reassuringly. "God, Robin, this is the first time I've ever seen your absolutely beautiful baby. One of these days, I hope this picture will bring you warmth just as these others have. Don't get rid of it. When you think you're ready, you should print it and put it in a special place."

"Really?" I asked.

She nodded. "Come on, Robin. I don't expect you to hide everything away. I mean … part of the reason I'm standing here is because you loved them both so dearly. Your late wife and son are still a part of the man I've come to know, right?"

I sighed. "They are, but that chapter in the book of my life is written. I want to write another. I want new pictures around here. Pictures of you and me."

"I like that idea, but you should keep your warmest memories near you."

I pulled her close to me. I kissed her soft lips, tasting with my own the tongue she subtly offered. I suckled it gently as I stroked her bottom.

"Brandi, It's taken me far too long, and I owe you the sincerest of apologies for waiting to tell you."

I felt tears beginning to form. "You've become the best part of me now. I am quite, quite willing to tell you now that I've fallen so deeply in love with you that I can't find words. I'm a writer, for god's sake! I am, simply, just completely and totally in love with you."

Her silence confused me.

Hairs on the back of my neck stood on end. Extra senses rang out because her sniffles didn't seem like tears of happiness to me.

"I'm sorry, Robin," she finally said, looking at me timidly, almost fearfully.

She sat down on the sofa, averting her eyes. Her hand went to her forehead, and she palpated her brow line with her thumb and fingers.

I tried to walk it back.

"I'm only putting it out there. Did I say it too soon?"

"Damn it, Robin. This wasn't supposed to happen. This is unfair to you. I thought I was the only one having these feelings."

I was confused and didn't understand what was happening.

"Then … why aren't you happy I told you?"

"Robin, I don't know how to answer."

"What's going on? What aren't you telling me?"

It took her a minute before she spoke.

"Remember last year when we were talking about me relocating to the other side of the river, and you asked me what was keeping me here, and I said it was complicated?"

I nodded.

"Complicated is putting it mildly. The truth is, I can't sell my house."

"Why not?"

"Because there's another person's name on the deed," she said in a timid whisper.

"It's a rental? Why's that your problem?"

"It's not a rental, Robin. I meant mine isn't the only name on it."

My blood began to chill. She wouldn't make eye contact with me. She was searching the room with her eyes, looking at anything but me.

"Brandi, who else is on the deed?"

"My spouse."

My fingertips and lips went suddenly numb. I was stunned to my core.

"You're married ?!" I shouted.

My voice startled her, and she edged herself away. Her sobs increased.

I took two steps farther away from her when a wave of nausea poured over me.

I'd been so worried that I was being untrue to the memory of my wife by allowing myself to fall in love with … an adulteress ?

Me ! I was the adulterer I'd imagined I was becoming!

"I can't believe you've done this to me, Brandi," I whimpered in total disbelief.

"It's not my fault!" she cried.

"Damn it! You're blaming me ?"

"Please, Robin! Please let me explain!" she begged.

"I think you'd better," I said, pacing the floor, wondering how much more I'd be able to hear before I would demand she leave my house.

"I haven't seen or heard from him in years !"

She'd thrown a baseball smack dead center through the strike zone, stopping me in my tracks.

"What?"

"I said I haven't seen or heard from him in years, Robin!"

"I heard you, but I don't understand!"

"Please don't be angry with me! I understand what you're thinking. But you don't understand what I've been going through."

"Okay," I scoffed.

"I know what you're going to say, but I'm going to ask anyway. Did you love your wife?"

"Of course I did!"

"Well, I loved my husband. Until he left. He left me, Robin! He wrote a note on a piece of paper and put it on my pillow. I still have it!"

"What'd it say?"

"That we'd made a mistake when we got married, and he was going away."

She began crying. I didn't know what to do.

"He just … left ?" I asked.

"He more than left! I have no idea where he is. No one does! He had no family, at least none I ever knew of. I hoped he'd turn up a few weeks later with his tail between his legs, but he'd cashed out some vacation time, and three weeks later, there was a message on the answering machine from crew scheduling at his airline reminding him to file his bid for the next month. A month later, I signed for a certified letter containing his termination notice.

"I also got a statement in the mail from his airline's investment management company which showed he'd withdrawn the max from his 401k which meant I was the one who had to pay all the taxes and penalties. I didn't have that kind of money laying around. I couldn't get a home equity loan because it'd require his signature, so my parents did it on theirs and I make the payments."

She suddenly stopped crying. The anger I saw in her eyes chilled me to my core.

"Robin, you said you still have love in your heart for your late wife."

I nodded, not able to form coherent words.

"All I have left for Kyle Fucking Rowan is hatred and contempt ," she hissed violently.

I sat on the sofa next to her, focusing my eyes on my hands.

"I don't know how to process what you've said, Brandi. The sanctity of marriage is something I hold dear. You⁠—you're still a married woman."

"Legally? Yes. You're right. But … in my heart or mind? No, I'm not. I changed back to my maiden name three years ago."

"Why haven't you divorced him?"

"If it was only that easy. Given how no one knows where he is, it's impossible to serve him papers. The legal fees began to get out of hand, and the judge who last reviewed my petition required a litany of things I'd have to do to prove I'd placed notices of publication in, as he said, 'every place he might likely be residing.'"

"Not only here in KC?"

"Exactly! I mean, short of publishing a notice in every single newspaper in the country, I don't know how I can satisfy the burden. My attorney advised me to give up on divorce because … well, I had no conflicts of interest in remaining married, and I should let the statutory time requirement to expire, allowing for a presumption of death to be ordered by a court."

"Until now."

She whispered, "Yeah."

I thought about the connections I had. "Let me talk to some people I used to work with at the paper. They might have some ideas."

"You'd do that for me?"

I put my hand on her leg and stroked her knee.

"I'll do anything I possibly can, Brandi."

December 18, 2017, 9:15am

"Hello, Mr. Grant. This is Todd Carlson," said the man on the phone.

"Good morning. I'm guessing you received the document Brandi signed?"

"I did, and I also notice you haven't acknowledged the fee agreement. Once you do that, I think we'll be all squared away."

"Yeah. And here's the thing," I began before I posed my question.

"Ah. I see where you're going, and yeah, it could pose a problem."

"Can this still happen?" I asked.

"You know what? Let me give it some thought. I'm about to head to the airport to catch a flight to Bozeman, Montana. I'm picking up an airplane I'll be ferrying to Louisville, Kentucky. I think I mentioned hoping to go to Arrowhead Barbecue while I'm in town tomorrow?"

"I remember you telling me you were expecting to stop here. You're flying yourself in?"

"If you and Ms. Hanes would care to meet me there, we can discuss potential alternatives to our normal fees."

I looked at my schedule, saw I had nothing, and answered. "I can absolutely do that. What time do you think you'll be there?"

"I'm planning on landing at Wheeler Downtown Airport at about 5:30. Let's say 7:00pm to give me a little buffer."

"Works for me. See you then."

We ended the call, then I texted Brandi.

Is your schedule still on track?

I knew she was airborne, and would be for several hours, so I popped open my word processor and began writing Chapter 49 of the second book in the series of six I had outlined for three publishers interested in publishing Book 1, "Escaping the Depths."

All three wanted to see drafts of the second, and if satisfied, I held hope that at least one would extend a publication agreement.

I'd just begun Chapter 52 when my phone rang.

"Hey, sweetie!" I answered.

"I'm hoping to be back at MCI at 6:40 tomorrow evening. Why? What's up?"

"The guy at the research firm called. He wants to meet us because he's going to be at Arrowhead at 7:00."

"Oh, crap. Assuming the flight lands on time, I don't think I'd be able to get there any sooner than 7:30."

"Shouldn't be a problem. I'm sure it'll take him at least that long to eat."

By then, I was in the mode where I had to consciously try to stop making comparisons to my late wife and my current sweetheart, but there's no avoiding at least some.

Corrie was petite at 5'2" and maybe a hundred pounds if her auburn hair was wet. She had brown eyes and a slender build. She was gorgeous. Even though she turned the head of any man with normal levels of testosterone in his blood, she refused to believe it.

Brandi was tall, the same 5'10" as me and maybe a hundred forty pounds. More curvaceous than Corrie, with buttery-blonde hair which complements her steel-gray eyes. It's straight in its unaltered state, but she likes to curl it into waves if she isn't putting it up in a bun, her preference when working, or a ponytail when she goes casual.

Corrie usually wore a light foundation with a little blush.

Other than lip tint, Brandi seldom wears makeup, feeling free to let her natural skin show. But, when she made herself up for our first real, declared date, just … wow .

I felt a little guilt when I first began to think Brandi was every bit as beautiful as Corrie, but time changed things. Brandi was present in every way, Corrie was in my warm memories.

"Okay," she'd answered. "Robin, thank you for doing what you're doing. You're so sweet."

It was Corrie's most-reserved compliment. When Brandi said it, the words felt like a comforting massage. I was absolutely, inconceivably, and totally in love with another woman, a woman I could no longer touch or kiss.

December 19, 2017, 7:27pm

"He's late," I said when Brandi arrived at the table at which I was alone.

"Traffic wasn't bad at all. I wonder why."

She'd eaten dinner on her last segment of her sequence, so she ordered only a draft beer.

No, people weren't going to think an airline pilot was drinking. She'd removed her three-striped shoulder boards, scarf, wings, ID tag, and every other conspicuous item from her uniform. She'd left its jacket in her car. For all anyone knew, she was simply wearing dark slacks and a coat over a plain white button-down.

"Where'd you say he was flying between?" she asked.

"From Bozeman to that airport near downtown."

She was tapping on her phone's screen.

"Oh, no, Robin. This doesn't bode well."

"What's wrong?"

She showed me her phone.

"What am I looking at?"

"A flight tracker. Every airplane on an instrument plan is visible online. His didn't make it here. His track went kind of wonky before it stopped about 150 miles away. His altitude was about three thousand feet and descending when the data stops, and his ground speed went to almost nothing. There's no airports on the map where he dropped off radar. He was about two thousand feet high when his transponder stopped working. Something must have happened if he didn't call you, right?"

I pulled out my own phone and dialed his number. It rang four times then went to voicemail. I left a brief message.

"Well, I don't see any reason to stick around here. This whole thing might be over before it even began," I said, rather frustratedly. I'd read every single page on their website, and had hoped they could do the job.

Brandi and I left the restaurant and were on the highway for about twenty minutes when my phone rang.

I pressed the button on the steering wheel to answer it.

"This is Rob."

"It's Todd Carlson, Mr. Grant. I'm so sorry I stood you up. I've had a bit of a situation."

"Brandi is an airline pilot. She looked online and said it looked like you had some sort of incident or something?"

"That's right. I didn't quite make it there. Had to put the plane down in a field somewhere in Nebraska, and now I need to find it because I've just been discharged from the hospital."