Adam's Best Friend

"Okay. I'm fixing dinner. Go ahead and get changed. This is our last night together, you know."

I nodded and then turned toward the bedroom. A sense of relief washed over me. Everything would be back to normal in one day. I wondered what Adam was doing at that moment.

I miss him. I plopped onto the bed to take my shoes off. A sense of dread needled at me. Everything will be back the way it used to be. I tried to figure out why that thought didn't sound appealing. And then another thought occurred to me. No, I don't miss Adam. I haven't so much as thought about him all week. But I knew there was something missing. I did feel that. It felt like a hole in the middle of my chest.

"I've changed my mind about that beer."

"Okay." Gary moved to the refrigerator and lifted a can from it. He slapped it in a koozie and popped the top before handing it to me.

"Thanks. Gotta love a bartender."

"Why is that?"

"I get my beer in a koozie with the top already opened."

"How does Adam give it to you?"

"Adam tells me to get it myself, unless he happens to be standing next to the frig. Then, he pulls it out and tosses it to me."

Gary laughed. "Sounds like him."

I lifted the can to my lips and took a taste. It hit the spot. I was definitely in the mood for beer.

We talked idly in the kitchen while Gary finished cooking. I finished a second beer, and then a third before dinner was even ready.

"You're really downing those."

I nodded. My head was buzzing something fierce. I danced into the living room to the music in my head and muted the television, which had only been providing background noise. I flipped on the stereo, and then turned up the volume and started dancing with my beer in my hand. Every once in awhile, I'd glance to the kitchen and wave at Gary. He'd just chuckle and shake his head before turning his attention back to his cooking.

The next time I looked up, Gary was standing a few feet from me. I stopped dancing and stood upright and still. He mouthed "Dinner is ready." Or, he said it out loud, I'm not sure. I walked to the stereo and turned down the volume and then followed him into the kitchen.

He'd made some sort of casserole dish thing. A recipe that was his mom's, or aunt's, or something like that. The details were a bit fuzzy.

It was good. I slopped it down, finishing my plate, and then turned my attention back to my drinking. I plopped down on the floor in the living room and stared up at the muted television as I hummed to the song on the radio. Gary joined me with a fresh beer in his hand, sitting on the floor opposite the coffee table from me.

"I hardly ever just listen to music, anymore. I've always got to be doing something else. Watching television. Reading. Housework."

Gary lifted the remote off the table and flipped off the television. It dimmed the lighting in the room considerably. "I know what you mean. We're always moving. Gotta be doing something."

"I like just sitting here and talking." I blinked a couple of times to get Gary into focus. He was starting to spin a little. I set my beer on the table and silently swore to myself not to drink any more of it. "We never do that."

"We've done it practically every night this week."

"No, not you-and-me, we; I mean Adam and I."

"Oh."

"We watch our shows and he texts other people. I guess you probably know that."

"I don't text much."

"Oh. I wonder who he's texting, then. Anyway, we don't talk. Nothing to say." I sort of realized I was rambling and decided I needed to shut up.

"You've probably already covered the important things."

I nodded and frowned. I suddenly wanted to talk about something other than Adam and me. "Tell me about the serious girlfriends you've had."

Gary took a deep breath. "Well, there was Sara. We dated for a little over a year."

"Why did you break up?"

"We just sort of drifted. I didn't really like her friends, and she hated Adam."

"Really? Why?"

"I don't know. She thought he was a little demeaning to women." Gary quickly added, "He was different back then. Dating around, playing the field. You know."

I nodded and smiled at Gary to set him at ease. Inside my stomach did somersaults. "What didn't you like about her friends?"

"They were always in her business. In our business. I guess a lot of that was Sara's fault, since she was the one who told them everything. Anyway, I just got sick of being around all that drama."

"What about the second girl. The other serious one. You said there was two. Right?"

"I did. Good memory. Yeah, the second one was Trish. She and I dated through college. Three years total, off and on."

"Wow, that's a lot of invested time."

"Yeah, I guess. I thought we might get hitched."

"What happened?"

"We were young and stupid. We'd get drunk and then have these huge fights. One of us would break up with the other one for about a month or so, and then we'd get back together again. During our last break, she started dating someone else. I mean, we both dated other people on our breaks, but this was different. It was Adam."

I blanched when I heard his name.

"I guess I couldn't stand the thought of getting back together with her after that. I didn't blame Adam for doing it, though."

"Maybe you should have. He had to know how much she meant to you."

"Yeah, but he knew it wasn't going to work out. I mean, let's face it, if we were going to get married, we'd have done it by then. I think I knew in my gut that it wasn't right, but I didn't want to admit it to myself."

The churning started in my stomach again. I wasn't sure if it was because of what he'd told me about Adam or because of the beer.

"I don't think marriage is supposed to feel like a prison sentence. You know? After awhile, that's how it felt with both Sara and Trish."

"How is it supposed to feel?"

"I don't know. But if a relationship feels stale at one year, I can't imagine what five or ten would feel like."

"How was the sex?"

Gary grinned. "That part was pretty good. Trish and I were constantly having make-up sex, which helped a lot."

"What's your favorite thing to do, you know, sexually?"

"Seriously?"

"Yeah."

"I like to go down on women."

My eyes widened for a second, then I laughed out loud.

"Why is that so funny?"

"You're just saying that because I'm a woman. If I were one of your buddies sitting here...If I were Adam, you'd say something completely different."

"No, I wouldn't."

"Yes you would. Next time we're all together, I'm going to make you answer the question in front of him."

"Better yet, just ask him to answer for me. He'll give you the same answer I just did. Maybe in different words, but the same basic act."

I wasn't feeling so bold after he threw down that challenge. He wouldn't do it unless he was sure Adam would say that. "So you guys talk about sex? I thought guys didn't do that."

"We talk about sex all the time. In general. Going into specifics would just be bragging."

"Does Adam say much about our sex life?"

"No."

I shrugged. There's not much to tell. Maybe if Adam shared some of Gary's tastes...Oh, don't go there, Kate. It did make me try to remember the last time I'd had an orgasm with Adam. It'd been a long time. In fact, I wasn't sure I had. "Do most women have orgasms during sex?"

Gary's eyebrows shot up. My question seemed to shock him. "Uh, I don't know about most women. I mean, I guess that depends on what they're doing. I know a lot of gals don't get off during intercourse."

"I don't usually. I think I could, but the guy would have to last, you know, a while."

"I understand what you're saying. Have you tried to use your fingers during sex?"

"Use my fingers? How?"

"On your clitoris."

I could feel my face heating up. "No. I've never, uh, tried that."

"And no guy has ever done that to you to get you off while you're doing it?"

I shook my head. "No."

"Wow. Okay."

"Is some sex ... some intercourse ... better than others for guys, or is it all pretty much the same?"

"It's different. Definitely cases where it's better."

"What position do you like best? No, let me guess ... doggy style."

"No, uh-uh. I like to see my partner's face when she comes."

A zing traveled down my spine and woke up my clit. I shifted my sitting position.

"How about you? Any angle that suits you better than another?"

I shook my head. "Nope. They're all pretty much the same to me."

"You're kidding, right?"

I shook my head. I was beginning to realize how much I was missing out. How much I'd been settling. Not just with Adam, but my entire adult life.

A deep line creased the middle of Gary's forehead. His expression had changed considerably.

"What's wrong, Gary?"

He shot me a fake smile and shook his head. "Nothing."

I knew he wasn't telling the truth, but I didn't think there'd be much I could do to change that. If he didn't want to tell me what was bothering him all of a sudden, I would just have to move on and try to convince myself that it didn't matter to me.

What difference does it make? He's not obligated to share every last thought with you. It still stung a little, though.

"I need to get going, Kate."

My shock had to be plainly broadcasted over my face. "Why? It's still early."

"I know. I slept like shit last night, though. I was worthless at work today. My crew will string me up by my balls if I show up like that again tomorrow. And I'm working tomorrow night, too. I really need some sleep tonight."

I nodded and followed his gaze as he stood up. I reluctantly stood a moment after he did. "I understand. I'm sorry you've had to babysit me this week."

Gary's jaw tightened. "Don't apologize, Kate. Don't ... Spending this time with you wasn't a burden. It was ..."

Gary huffed in frustration. He was clearly agitated with me.

"I ... I have to go."

I followed him to the door and lightly touched his arm. "I'm sorry if I made you mad."

He turned toward me but didn't make eye contact. "I'm not mad at you."

"Then will you hug me goodbye, at least?"

He seemed reluctant to do what I asked, but pulled me into an embrace, anyway. I gripped his neck with my hands and held onto him. I wanted to hold him like that until all the bad feelings went away. After a few moments, he seemed to be just as unwilling to let go as I was.

A flood of nondescript emotion sort of hit me. A desperate need to be closer to Gary for fear I might lose him. I pressed my body completely to his and suddenly wished that there were nothing between us. No clothes, no time limit, no boyfriend, no best friend. I wanted to know what his hands would feel like on my bare skin. I wanted to feel his lips on mine, like they were just nights earlier.

I curled my stomach to grind my pelvis into his. The crotch of his shorts felt like steel. He moaned softly in my ear and tightened his grip around my waist for a brief moment before releasing his grasp.

I pulled away and looked up at him, tilting my head back to invite him to kiss me.

"We can't do this, Kate."

My heart was beating so hard in my chest I barely heard his refusal. I shook my head, not understanding how he could ignore the opportunity. I thought he wanted me. Did I misunderstand his words when he was jacking off this morning? I took a step backward, confused and hurt.

"Please don't look at me like that. This is why I have to leave. Adam will be back in town tomorrow and everything will go on the way it was before. I don't ..." Gary shook his head and swiveled toward the door, gripping the door knob and turning it. "I'll talk to you later, Kate. Good night."

He was gone before I could say a word. I stared blankly at the closed door for several minutes. Dumbfounded. Stupefied, actually.

Pins stabbed at the corners of my eyes until wet drops trickled down my cheeks. I didn't even know why I was crying, exactly. I just felt generally forlorn.

I stumbled to the sofa and flopped down onto it, face down. Then the tears really started to come. Someone had opened up the floodgates and years of pent up emotion just came whooshing out. It had been ages since I'd had a good cry.

I finally managed to gain control of it. By then my head was pounding something fierce. It was the lingering evidence of my earlier drinking. I dragged myself to the bathroom to take some ibuprofen and then put myself to bed, too emotionally exhausted to even think.

***

Four

***

Adam went straight to bed after he got home Friday night. He was pale from having stayed up and drank the entire previous night. It was a bit of a letdown after he'd been gone for five days, but it wasn't like he hadn't warned me this was likely to happen.

I was thankful that we'd gotten past that point in a relationship where every second together counts. We didn't have to make the most of every moment. There would always be another time. It is a comfortable feeling; knowing that you don't have to be on all the time. That you can just share space.

I thought back to what Gary had said about his long-term relationships. Stale.

This isn't stale, though. No, this is just comfortable. Settled. I realized that I was rationalizing it to myself. I don't have to explain anything. But somewhere in my mind, I knew that I did. Not to Gary. Not to Adam. But, to myself.

Each time I caught a reflection of my puffy eyes in the mirror that Friday, I ruminated over what was wrong. I felt off. Not myself. I should've been excited about Adam returning, but I wasn't. The season premier of one of my favorite shows was coming up, but I only felt a twinge of enthusiasm over that. It seemed like nothing could penetrate the wall of doom around me.

Why?

By Sunday afternoon, Adam was returning to normal.

"The weather next weekend is supposed to be real nice. I talked to Gary about moving our annual camping trip up. He thinks he can get off work."

I wasn't sure how to respond. My heartbeat rolled like thunder in my ears all of a sudden.

"Do you still want to go with us?"

I nodded without hesitation, but then quickly added, "If you want me to."

"Yeah, sure. I don't think Gary will care. It'll be a little cramped in the tent, but who cares. We only go in there to sleep."

I'd forgotten that Gary and Adam shared a tent. They said that the camping spots they liked usually only accommodated one tent, but I knew that the more plausible reason was that Adam was too lazy to put up his own. Gary always drove them, and then erected the tent upon arrival while Adam got drunk.

"We'll have to leave Saturday morning. Gary doesn't think he can get off Friday night."

"When did you talk to Gary?"

"Yesterday. You were in the shower."

I gave an affirming nod. I wondered if Gary had told Adam that he and I had spent every night together while he was gone. Would Adam care?

"I was thinking about going down to Gary's work to make the plans. They're never busy on Sundays. Do you mind?"

My eyebrows lifted when I realized he was talking about going without me, but then I quickly recovered. "No. Go ahead. I'm just along for the ride next weekend, anyway."

"Great."

Adam pulled out his phone and checked it, then pocketed it again.

"I'll be back in a couple of hours."

"You eating dinner there?"

"Nah. I'll be back for dinner." Adam pecked me on the lips and headed out the door. "See ya in awhile."

"Bye."

My mood seemed to improve as the afternoon progressed. I spoke with my mom on the phone and then went to work on the apartment. I hadn't even noticed how much clutter Adam created until I compared it with his absence. I'd hardly had to lift a finger while he was gone. I just naturally cleaned up after myself. So does Gary, I guess.

I checked the time on the clock. It was already going on 7:00. I wonder how much longer Adam's going to be. Lifting my cell off the counter, I texted Adam to ask him. My stomach growled its appreciation.

I waited another 20 minutes before trying to call him. I reasoned that if he were driving home, he wouldn't be reading his text messages. It rolled to voicemail, but I hung up without leaving a message. He would know why I was calling. Besides, I was starting to get irritated and it would just come across as bitchy over the phone.

I waited.

At 8:30 I heard a car pull up outside and park. A few moments later, Adam was fumbling with his key at the door.

"Hey, babe." He'd obviously been drinking. "How's it goin'?"

I wasn't in the mood to deal with his drinking. "It's 8:30."

"Yeah, so?"

"I thought you were coming home for dinner?"

"Oh, I changed my mind about eating dinner. I just drank instead."

"You could've called to tell me."

"You didn't make anything, did you?"

It would've been a fair question, but his mocking tone hinted at something else. He'd mentioned several times that he wanted me to cook more. The topic seemed to crop up whenever he drank. I think this was the reason why I had such distaste for cooking. I rolled my eyes and shook my head. "I waited for you, though."

Adam shrugged off my complaint. "Not going to kill you or anything."

I knew at that point that arguing with him would be futile. He had done nothing wrong in his eyes, and any attempt to convince him otherwise would make me sound like a royal bitch.

I sighed and walked to the kitchen to search for something to snack on. I caught his smug smile as he hooked around the corner of the sofa, lifting the remote off the table before flopping down and stretching out full length.

Just sleep it off. It's no big deal. He just got carried away catching up with his best friend.

I repeated that litany as I was turning off the television and the lights. I left him on the sofa and just crawled into bed. Sleeping alone was starting to feel normal to me again.

***

Saturday morning rolled around and before I knew it, I was sitting in the backseat of Gary's Mustang regretting my decision to tag along on their camping trip. I was a third wheel. An utterly unneeded and unwanted accessory to their trip. Baggage. Usually Gary was so good about looping me into their conversation, but even he was ignoring me.

Nothing felt right since Adam had returned from his trip. We'd made up from Sunday night, or rather, I didn't bring it up again so we got past it. But we didn't argue the remainder of the week and everything seemed to be headed back to familiar territory. But not with Gary.

Gary had made only a brief appearance at our place on Thursday night. That was to get cash from Adam to go buy the groceries for the camping trip. I offered to help, but he politely declined, barely looking in my direction as he did so.

It felt awkward. And wrong. I wondered how we'd gotten so far off track. We were such good friends. My heart sank at the thought of losing his friendship forever. I'd hoped that it would all change on the trip. But it wasn't looking like that was going to happen.

As the day turned to evening, I was becoming more withdrawn. Hours of listening to two guys rehash every stupid thing they did as kids will do that to a person. Adam kept slamming beers until they were gone, and then switched to the fifth of bourbon he'd stashed in his duffel bag.

At some point, both Gary and I stopped drinking. I don't know if it was purposefully to offset Adam's excess, but it did occur to me that one or both of us were probably going to have to take care of him. He could hardly stand. Before long, I was sitting on the edge of my chair because I'd had to leap from it several times to keep Adam from teetering into the fire.

Finally, he passed out in his chair.

Gary got him awake enough to walk to the tent. With his assistance, of course. There was a lot of wrestling as Gary poured Adam into bed.