Admired My WHO?

This story is partly true about me. I also did have a love interest. I also one day found a note under my door, and the note said some similar things that I write about here. What I write about was also my thoughts and reactions to it.

Yes, I'm also confused about some things about life. Forgive me when I ask that the those that comment to not to pick on me, unless you have some knowledge, reason or clarity about it. I DO welcome comments!

I got up out of bed as usual one morning, ready to deal with my mundane life. I took off my girly satin pajama's and went to the bathroom to shower. In the shower, I also shaved the stubble from my legs, underarms and a few other places, despite thinking that no one is going to feel me or want to be with me, I thought. After showering, I brush my teeth, comb my hair and place it in a ponytail. I return to my bedroom and look at myself in the full-length mirror.

I look stupid. I'm a guy, yet I look like a girl, in some ways. No wonder women won't give me the time of day! What women wants a feminine looking guy, right! I think to myself, why do I keep trying to look more feminine? I'm not Gay either!

I've been a closeted crossdresser most of my life. I wouldn't even call myself a crossdresser. I never wore any dresses or women's clothing outside. In my younger years, I've discreetly tried on some of my sisters' clothes, but never thought of myself as a girl. I got caught wearing some things at times. I was disciplined and picked on and humiliated. I got unwanted attention too. Others back then continuously called me faggot and gay, even though I wasn't.

During that time, I really was infatuated with this one girl ( one can't help who you are attracted to ). I know she was attracted to me too, but she caved to her peers about their thoughts about me. As a result, we never even dated, and I lost much of my self-esteem. That time of my life sucked.

Yes, I'm attracted to women. My likes to wear some women's clothes confuse me. I mostly wear panties, stockings, satin loungewear and sleepwear items. I don't know why I do. They just make me feel comfortable, and good about myself. And to be honest, I get aroused wearing such clothes!

I'd love to be with a woman that loves wearing such clothes! MY hands would be all over HER, if she did wear those types of clothing! I mean, I love touching MY smooth legs and the stockings and such that I wear! Don't women love to be touched by her man?

Also, men's clothes are mostly drab and boring, while women have many more options. Why can't men wear brighter colors, or softer fabrics? just sayin'.

I should add that yes, I admit, from all the teasing and being picked on, I admit I've questioned myself. So, I looked at porn now and then. I looked at hetero porn and crossdressing porn as well. I then looked at trans porn sites, I admit mostly for sexual release of course! I also looked at those sites out of interest in how this answers what and who, in part, I am.

I lay in my bed in the evenings and sometimes pretend and fantasize that I'm a girl. I touch myself, as if someone else is touching me and fantasize. I like being touched. I just wish someone ELSE would be doing it, instead of me touching myself! I get myself all worked up, stroking myself in my satin panties. I sometimes slide the dildo I have in and out of my ass to get me off too. Once I have that release, the euphoria is gone. My mind immediately returns to my manly side, and the fact and reality that I'm alone again.

I then get disgusted with myself. I shouldn't like this so much, I tell myself. I also try not to wear such things again too, and not think about needing someone. At times, I often threw out my girl clothes, only to buy more again. And a few days later, I'm horny and wanting; needing again! And the cycle continues.

Anyway, this morning seemed to be no different. Just another day, getting ready for work. I got dressed, I put on a pair of panties under my guy clothes. No one will know anyway, or care, so I thought! I have a quick protein shake and I'm ready to head out. That's when I notice an envelope on the floor, in front of my apt. door. Someone must have slipped it under my door.

I picked it up and turned it over. It had my name and address on it. No return address other than a P.O. Box. No stamp. I opened the envelope and found a note inside that simply stated, "I love the panties you wear! You make my cock so hard! I love you."

Suddenly my hands started to shake. How does this person know I wear panties? Plus, this person is a MAN!!! He wrote that I make his cock hard! Plus, he wrote that he loves me!? What is this guy, a weirdo or something?

I got flustered. Then I thought this was a joke. Someone's playing a joke on me. There's only a P.O. box on it without a name from who it came from! I said to myself, "Very funny, whoever you are!" I just put the letter in my pants pocket and went to work.

At my job, I still couldn't concentrate so much on my work. Who was this? Was it real? Was this someone I know? Who's playing this joke on me? How does this person know I wear panties?

After work, at home alone again as usual, I tried to calm down about it. Still, I had no answers. I looked at the envelope again. It had a P.O. Box on it. Should I reply? What would I write back? Ultimately, I decided that this was just a joke. No one REALLY thought that way about me! I decided to not entertain this and threw the envelope and letter in the trash.

I didn't sleep well that night. On top of my thoughts that were keeping me awake, the night was humid; the weather was muggy. The air conditioner wasn't working STILL! I had asked the landlord several days ago about this. Selfishly, I wanted to wear my satin, comfy pajama's but it was just too hot and sticky (those that wear satiny materials when it's hot, know what I mean, right). So, I tried to sleep naked instead. I did get SOME sleep though.

In the morning, the weather was more comfortable. I still felt wet and a little sweaty, but there was a small cool morning breeze pushing through the open window. I got up out of bed and looked out the window. The ground and trees seemed wet also. A light rain must have fallen and cooled off the air. I stood there for a few seconds, thankful for the cool, morning air. Then I said to myself, "well, another day. I better get ready for another dull day for me."

This morning, n my way out the door, I noticed another envelope on the floor next to my apartment door. I got nervous again. I hesitated to pick it up before doing so. It was addressed to me with the same post office box, and no stamp. I nervously opened it. Inside was a much lengthier, typed message. It read, "Michael, I apologize if my first note left you confused or scared or nervous. That was not my intention, but you DO make my cock hard! I could also make you feel much better than that dildo you use!"

The letter went on... "I saw you last night, lying in bed. Your skin glistening in sweat. Your sweet, soft, little round ass exposed. I wanted so much to come over there and love you and fuck you and seed you and stay inside you until the morning. I just want to know if you want this. Reply back to me. I love you."

Now I got scared. Who was this? This guy SAW me last night? How? My first thoughts were that I often left my window open; my drapes open. I went back to my bedroom and quickly shut them both. Also, I got so nervous, as this guy knows where I live! He knows my name! I didn't know what to do!

I first got on the phone and called out (of work). I sat on the couch wondering what was happening. This is real! Some guy was hitting on me! How did I let his happen, and how did he know so much about me? How did he see me, even last night?

My mind swirled around this. Okay, his words were not threatening! He's just telling me how hot he is, for me. Isn't that what I wanted? Yes, and no. I want a WOMAN to be hot for me, not another GUY!

During the day alone, I also got to thinking... Okay, so this guy that's hot for me. Should I entertain this possibility? But I'm not attracted to men! At the same time, I'm in my late 30's now and still single and alone. I re-read his last letter I still had, and at the end, I again re-read his words that he "loved me!?"

Who is this guy? Honestly, I did get somewhat aroused by what he wrote! He wants to have sex with me. ME? He wants to fuck me! He wants to fuck ME!!! I'm not a girl! Why does he, whoever this was, think of me that way? Is HE gay? Do gay men like women or feminine guys? I don't think so? What does this guy want with me? I had so many unanswered questions.

Also, can I get over that this is a GUY that wants to fuck me, and apparently loves me too? No one has ever told me that they loved me! Can I give myself to another man? Should I write him back, whomever he is?

Should I extend this storyline with another chapter? I know this first post wasn't filled with sex. Is anyone even interested? I'm sorry that I asked if anyone is interested. It's just a part of my insecurity.