Al-Anon

"We strongly discourage romantic relationships," the woman told her as ahead watched Logan walk away.

"Romantic? What? We were just talking. There's nothing at all going on like that. Trust me."

"Okay. If you say so," the facilitator said with a hide of snideness.

"Oh, my goodness. He's...what? Twenty-one? Please!"

"Just be careful," the other woman told her.

Monica was so agitated with her she left without saying another word. She was in that state when she got home, and an hour later she was still stewing in the same mental morass. The stewing, however, went away the moment she got a text from Logan.

"Hi, Monica. I mentioned I work days and that childcare isn't an issue, but I don't know your schedule. I'm thinking maybe any evening around 7pm or so? That gives me time to get home and see Emma before she goes to sleep. If that doesn't work, let me know and we'll find a mutually agreeable time. It's been a pleasure talking to you, and I look forward to doing that again soon."

She was now not only not stewing, she was smiling as she replied.

"That works for me. I work days, too, so any day is okay. Maybe Wednesday?"

She got a reply of, "Sure. Sounds good. How about the Starbucks on 10th Street?"

"Okay. I know exactly where that is. I'll be there at seven! See you then."

A hour or so later she finally became aware that she'd been in a good mood. Coincidentally, for just about an hour. The last thing on her mind were the facilitator's words. Yes, texting with Logan made her happy, but that had nothing to do with anything romantic.

She remembered those words again just before she went to bed and said to herself, "That's preposterous!"

Monica got home at 5pm on Wednesday as she did every workday. She took a quick shower and also washed her hair shoulder-length dark-brown hair which she normally wouldn't have done. Nor would she have done anything but blow-dry it unless she had something important going on or someone she wanted to impress. Even so, she took the time to use a curling iron to turn the bottom of her hair inside a little which was her favorite look.

It was going to be 58 degrees when the sun went, and although she knew she'd be chilly outside, they were having coffee inside, so she chose a cute sleeveless green top and a pair of jeans to wear with a brown leather jacket.

She arrived 10 minutes late, something she did so often it was second nature to her. She saw Logan the moment she walked in and waved but stopped in mid-wave.

"Oh, my goodness!" she said as she scurried over to his table. "Who is this precious little sweetie pie?"

"This is Emma. My mother in law had a migraine and couldn't watch her. So I brought her along."

Monica was starstruck.

"She is SO precious!" she said as she talked and cooed with the one-year old girl who's hair was coming in quite nicely. She loved the gummy smile and the one little 'toofer' that was trying to break through.

Emma smiled happily when Monica's face was close to hers.

"Could I...."

Monica didn't have to finish the sentence. Logan knew she wanted to hold his daughter and carefully handed her over.

"Oh! She is so adorable!"

Logan found himself smiling as he saw Monica holding his daughter and asked her if she had children.

"I do. Two. A daughter who...passed away and a nine-year old son named, Jacob. He's such a good kid."

"I'm really sorry about your daughter, Monica. I...I can't even imagine. I suppose if I had to try and find a silver lining in all this it would be that Emma's too young to know what happened. Is your son...does he...."

"He struggles with it. We knew his father was in serious trouble for a long time. Even so, it's hard for a young child to understand why his father is dying. He was an alcoholic. His final stage of the whole ordeal came on pretty rapidly as I learned is often the case. The liver works until it doesn't. There are warning signs along the way, but it can process the booze one day and then it can't. His liver was nothing but scar tissue."

"How about you, Monica? How are you doing?"

"I try not to be angry or bitter. We aren't responsible for what anyone else does and all that, but I just feel terrible for Jacob. I mean, it's not like he had a dad who was there to play catch with or to take him fishing, but still, growing up without a father isn't easy."

"The specific drug isn't as important as the destruction the loved one wreaks on the family," Logan offered.

"That's true. There can be side effects, if you will, like an 'angry drunk' but in the end, any addiction can destroy a family. Even gambling."

"Oh, right. I'm tempted to say I don't see how anyone can get 'hooked' on gambling, but after dealing with this, I believe some people have an 'addict's brain'. You know, the first time they get high on something their brain says, 'Where have you been all my life'? where most of us can take a drink or place a bet or whatever and that's it."

"I believe that. Completely. I have no idea how much the genetic aspect plays in addiction, but it has to be significant in some people."

"It's amazing how little we know about the brain. We've come a long way from the days when we were boring holes into skulls and doing all kinds of crazy things to try and cure mental illness, but we're probably still in the infancy stage where the brain is concerned."

Monica said she agreed then said, "Speaking of infants, Emma is so sweet! She hasn't stopped smiling at me since I first saw her. I think I'm in love!"

Logan laughed and told Monica he felt very blessed.

"She started sleeping through the night at five months, and Emma's always been a happy baby. I can't imagine going through this and having to be up half the night with a crying child. So, yes, she is a sweetie.

"Did you hear that, Emma? Your daddy says you're a sweetie! Oh, yes you are!"

She kissed Emma's cheek and 'blew bubbles' in her neck causing the baby girl to laugh. That made Monica laugh, too, so she did it again, and got the same reaction. She hadn't laughed like that in quite some time, and as she quieted down she shared something with Logan.

"I love my son to pieces, but I've always wanted a daughter. Especially after losing mine. That may not be fair, but I think it's the one area where I personally feel cheated because she was taken from me."

She shared the gist of what happened, and she was moved when Logan teared up before offering his sincerest condolences. Monica thanked him then tried to return to where they were on feeling cheated.

"I get that," Logan told her. "It's not like we can just rent a spare spouse and have another child, right? I suppose that's one of the things I'm still angry with Samatha for."

Monica wasn't quite sure what he meant so Logan explained.

"I may be a guy but I just knew Samantha was the one the first time we met. I never looked at another woman after that day, and now I have to start this shit...sorry. I have to start all over again. At 25 and with a baby."

Before Monica could say anything, Logan added, "I wouldn't change having Emma for anything, so I hope that's not how it sounded. She's the one unchanging positive in all of this...mess."

"I feel the same way about Jacob. And as to starting over, you're preaching to the choir. I know you think 25 is old, but try being 39 and having a son Jacob's age. That just screams, 'Danger, Will Robinson!' to any future...suitor."

Monica moved her arms up and down like the robot in the original Lost in Space which was before her time, but Logan had never even heard of it and had to ask her what that meant.

"My father used to do that every now and then. After the internet he showed me once what the TV series was and also the robot who said that."

Logan had his phone out, and a few second later was laughing. He played YouTube clip of the robot saying those very words, and Monica laughed, too,

"Yes! That's it. Danger, Will Robinson!"

There was a brief lull before Logan asked her if she dated at all.

"Oh, gosh. I went out one time with a guy from high school who knew I was...a widow...a word I despise...and that was nothing short of a disaster."

Logan laughed politely when she shook her head to describe how bad it was then said, "Yeah. I dread that."

"I so understand," she said immediately. "And again, even though we had nothing to do with our spouse's addiction, explaining that over and over again isn't something I look forward to."

"You're right. It's not our fault, and we also can't control how others think about anything, but it just seems so different than if, say, you lost your husband or wife in a car accident, you know?"

"It's just another layer of unwanted complexity in an already...."

She put a hand over Emma's face then whispered,"Shitty situation."

Logan laughed hard enough that it caused Emma to turn her head his way.

"Do you need me to take her back?" he asked.

"Oh, no. I could hold her all night," she said as she looked at Emma who gave her another gummy smile. "I could just eat you up! Yes I could!"

Both of them found it unbelievably easy to talk to the other, and before they knew it, it was after nine o'clock.

"Oh, my gosh. I had no idea it was so late!" Monica said when she finally realized she had no idea what time it was. "I need to call my sister and let her know I'm okay."

Logan took Emma back as Monica quickly made her apologies on the phone.

"Oh. Tell him I love him, okay? And I'll be home soon."

Logan saw her glance at him then turn away and say, "NO! I'm not going to do that!"

He couldn't hear the other end of the conversation but he heard Monica say, "Because I'm not. And...goodbye!"

"That didn't sound good," Logan said with a little laugh.

"My sister. Ugh!"

"Did she expect you home by now?"

"No. She's not upset about that. She loves watching Jacob, and he loves being with her just as much. No, she wanted me to Face...."

She stopped talking and Logan raised an eyebrow.

"She...she wanted me to show her what you look like. She's obsessed with setting me up," Monica explained as she shook her head again, only in a different way.

"Ah, okay."

"She asked if I was late because you and I were...on a date or something. I mean...seriously?"

The way she said it told Logan there was something more than the words he heard her speak.

"Ouch," he said with a smile.

"What? Oh. No! I...I didn't mean it like that. I just meant...."

He waved a hand and laughed.

"It's okay."

"I didn't mean to, you know, be rude or anything."

"It's okay. Really," he assured her. "I suppose that is kind of ridiculous, huh?"

She was looking right at him but looked at the table when he said that.

"I...suppose it is," she said rather quietly.

"Monica. I didn't mean it like that, either. You're incredible, and I'd go out with you in a heartbeat. All I was saying was...."

He stopped when he realized this was getting crazy.

"Maybe I should stop talking now."

"And I should probably be heading home," Monica said, grateful that the uncomfortable back and forth was over.

After coochie-cooing with Emma at her car, she got in and drove off and found herself unable to stop thinking about Emma or her very nice-looking father who said he would go out with her...in a heartbeat.

She ran the conversation through her mind several times then told herself he was being nice.

"He had to be just being nice. What cute guy his age would want to go out with a woman who's nearly...."

She took a look at her eyes in the mirror before saying, "Forty," out loud in a melancholy tone of voice.

Logan drove home and had similar thoughts. His, however, ended in, "I guess the real question is would an older woman as beautiful as Monica ever say 'yes' even if I asked her?"

He told himself that realistically, the answer was 'no'. But in this case they not only shared a unique connection, they could talk to one another. About anything. And the conversation flowed easily. They laughed often. And Monica loved Emma to death.

So was there really any legitimate reason she wouldn't go out with him? No matter how many times he asked himself that question it ended with the same answer.

"Yes, there is, dumbass. She's 39 and you're 25."

So why did he lay awake half the night trying to think of ways to minimize their age difference? And why did have this overwhelming desire to 'wax his surfboard' while imagining her in his arms?

When his alarm went off the next morning, he was so exhausted he couldn't think. Emma, of course, wasn't tired. She woke up not long after him and needed a diaper change and something to eat, and he needed to get ready for work and grab a bite to eat himself.

It was moments like this that he had to fight off the urge to hate the woman he'd once loved so dearly. He told himself to grow the hell up and deal with it as he always did. So he dealt with it, but he couldn't shake the resentment this time.

By the time he was in the shower, he was mostly awake, and thoughts of the beautiful, older woman he'd spent the evening with returned. With a vengeance. Five minutes later he released three weeks of pent up frustration in a loud groan and several streams of creamy goo he watched swirl down the drain.

"Fuck," he quietly said as he rested one hand on the shower stall and let the warm water beat down on him for another minute or so before getting out and...dealing with it.

Logan was exhausted at work. The only thing that kept him going were thoughts of this beautiful, older woman he shared so much with. He did his best to not think about their respective ages, and yet, by the end of the day, he felt deflated and defeated.

Had he not had Emma to go home to he might have gotten drunk himself, even though he couldn't remember the last time he'd had more than one beer. Not counting a few keggers in high school, of course.

Once Emma was in bed, his thoughts returned to Monica, and after a few more minutes or frustration, it hit him.

"Nothing ventured, nothing gained."

He got out his phone and started texting.

"I had the best time with you, Monica, and unless my assessment is way off, it seemed like you enjoyed yourself, too. I can't believe how easy it is to talk to you or how much we have in common. I was hoping we could get together again and continue the conversation as I have a question I'd really like to ask, and it needs to be asked in person. I'd be happy to do Starbucks again, but I'm open to any other ideas."

He wanted to say more, but he thought about it and decided this wasn't the place to babble on about his feelings. He had a hard enough time talking about them, even with Samantha, and opening himself up too much too soon seemed like a surefire way to run Monica off before he could tell how he felt. He sent it then waited.

"I had a really nice time, too, Logan. And Emma? O...M...G! She is so stinkin' sweet I can't stand it! As to getting together again, I'm happy to do that, but rather than Starbucks we could get together at my place. What do you think?"

Logan went from down in the dumps to pumped in an instant.

"I think...yes. Just let me know a day and time so I can ask my MIL to watch Emma, and I'll be there!"

Monica was a little bummed to think he wouldn't be bringing Emma, and let her disappointment show.

"In that case, I'll bring Miss Emma along. And how about I bring some pizza?"

"You don't have to that, Logan. I can make us something."

"I know, but if we're coming to your home, the least we can do is bring something to eat."

"Okay. You win. That sounds really nice. How about Saturday around 6pm?"

She added a happy face then asked herself what she was doing.

"I'm having a friend over to talk about our addict-spouses. Nothing more," she told herself even though a non-vocal part of her wasn't buying what the vocal part was selling.

Logan's reply stopped the internal back and forth.

"We'll be there. What toppings do you and Jacob like?"

She told him and he sent her a 'thumb's up' emoji in reply.

The thoughts returned, and Monica asked herself another largely rhetorical question.

"Why does this have to be so hard?"

It wasn't that late, and she needed to talk to someone before her head exploded.

"Amanda? Hi. You busy?"

An hour later Monica felt much better. Amanda couldn't solve the her problem, but just knowing her sister recognized how big a deal it was to her while making sure Monica knew she had her support no matter what meant everything to her. Amanda's admonition of 'just be careful' reminded her of the facilitator's not so polite warning, and she sighed.

Amanda pointed out everything her sister already knew. Logan was handsome. He had a beautiful little girl. He was kind and thoughtful. He knew what it was like to lose a spouse to an addiction. And...he was only 25 years old.

Monica heaved a big sigh then got ready to go to bed.

Less than 24 hours later, Logan needed some perspective and called the only person he fully trusted.

"Hey. You gettin' ready for work?"

"Yeah, but I've got a couple of minutes. What's up?" Nathan replied as he started getting dressed for another long night.

Logan laid out the situation, and when he finished, Nathan whistled quietly.

"I don't envy you, Logan."

"Am I crazy for even wanting to pursue this?"

"No. You're not crazy. But you already know the main problem. Look, you nailed it on all the stuff you two have in common, and she obviously likes Emma. But you don't even know her kid, and as you said, that's a whole lot of years."

"So what would you do?"

"Me? I don't know. But maybe because I'm a guy, and guys will um...pursue anyone...maybe we're more likely to minimize an age difference and just go for it than they are. That said, Monica sounds like an amazing woman."

"Gee, that was a big help."

Nathan laughed and said he had to go.

"Just follow your instincts, bro. If she likes you, too, then I'd say...go for it."

"Yeah. Thanks," Logan told him even though Nathan had only rehashed everything he already knew, but somehow just knowing his brother was there for him meant everything.

Saturday evening, Logan got ready to leave by taking a shower and putting on his best shirt and jeans which took all of about 15 minutes. Monica got ready by doing her hair and makeup then deciding what to wear. It took her about an hour and 15 minutes, but she looked incredible by the time she was finished.

Jacob wasn't exactly excited about having some man come to his house to see his mother. Monica knew that and hoped that he would be able to learn to accept that she couldn't live alone the rest of her life without resenting her or being angry. So when the knock on the door came, she wasn't surprised that Jacob didn't run to open it. He had to be told to come to the door with his mother who opened it herself and welcomed their guests.

"Good evening!" she said as she noticed two pizza boxes in one of Logan's arms and Emma in the other. "Oh! Let me help!"

Logan thought she'd take the boxes, but when she reached for his daughter, it actually made him happy. That allowed him to squat down and say 'hello' to Jacob.

"You must be Jacob. I'm Logan."

When he didn't speak his mother said, "Jacob? Can you say 'hello'?"

"Hi," he quietly said without looking at Logan.

"I hear you like pizza."

"Sometimes."

Logan balanced them on one knee then pulled the lid open on the top box. The smell was heavenly, and Jacob had to look.

"Is that a Meat Lover's pizza?" he asked.

"You better believe it! Pepperoni, sausage, ground beef, Canadian bacon...the works!"

"Can I have some?"

Jacob finally looked at Logan who smiled and said, "Of course. We'll all have some. Except for Emma."

He leaned toward Jacob then whispered, "Don't tell anyone, but she doesn't have any teeth. Shhh!"