All The Young Punks Pt. 11

When Joe got home, all he wanted to do was watch the Red Sox on TV and not think about his trip down memory lane. He sat quietly on the couch while his Mom and Jackie cleaned the house and the girls played in their room.

Jackie said something he didn't hear and didn't care. She stood there, staring, waiting for a reply. She felt he was ignoring her. "Jerk." She walked away. Two minutes later she said something else. He was in a baseball trance, watching the game with blinders on.

"Hey! Wake up!"

"What?" He finally snapped out of it. "I'm just watching the Sox. Can I do that?"

"What did I do? You don't have to bite my head off."

Joe exhaled. "Sorry. I'm just..."

"What's wrong with you?"

"I had a bad day."

"At the garage? You had a bad day in Wonderland? I thought it was all sunshine and unicorns there."

Joe sighed. "It wasn't at the garage. I mean, I was there all morning. It happened... elsewhere."

"What happened?"

Joe stared at his sister. He didn't want to tell her because they'd both probably cry. Jackie stared back at Joe. Crying wasn't on his agenda. He barely made it through lunch. Jackie maintained her gaze.

Avoiding Janie's death was an art form in the house. No one mentioned it, ever. If someone slipped even a reference to Janie, the room fell silent. Then they'd seamlessly change the subject as if those words were never spoken. Several silent seconds passed. Joe wasn't telling Jackie about The Olney.

"Well," Jackie said, exasperated. "What happened?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Great, that only makes me want to know more. Was it bad?"

Mom walked into the room at the worst possible moment. Her creepy motherly sixth sense knew something was happening between her children. Jackie and Joe looked at her, and her at them.

"What's wrong?" Mom said. "I can feel there's something wrong."

"Joey's not right," Jackie said. "He said he had a bad day. Something happened. He won't tell me what it is."

"What the fuck, Jackie?

"Joseph, your tongue!"

"Why would you drag her into this?"

"Into what?" Mom asked, her hands on her hips, staring at Joe. "What happened?"

"I don't care to discuss my shitty day, okay. I'm not hurt. I'm not in trouble. It was just a..."

"We're not going to leave you alone until you tell us," Jackie said, looking at Mom.

Mom nodded, "I have nowhere to go. My housework is done." She sat in Dad's chair, stared at Joe, and folded her hands on her lap. Jackie was her mirror image to Joe's right.

"What is wrong with you two; Saint Alice and her little protege, Saint Jacqueline? You're worse than the sadistic nuns."

Their unbroken stares were annoying. Joe was about to stand up and go downstairs to his room, but he hesitated. Their glares were getting under his skin. They were always probing and poking for information, and the self-righteous judgment was maddening. Jackie was becoming Alice before his eyes. Joe was no longer hurting, he was pissed off. 'Fuck it,' he thought. 'They'll deserve whatever feelings they get.'

"I had lunch at The Olney Diner today."

Their stares remained, but their expressions changed. They were sinking fast from stern to, 'oh shit', to sad... and finally regret that they pushed Joe to say it. The room fell silent. Joe stood up and walked out leaving his mother and sister to deal with the emotions he tried to spare them.

A half-hour later, there was a knock on Joe's bedroom door. "It's me."

"I don't want to talk about it."

"I'm coming in."

"Don't!"

Jackie opened the door and walked in. Joe glared at her. "I said I don't want to talk."

"Well, I do. You can just listen." She sat on the end of his bed.

"Leave me alone." He held a book up. "Can't you see I'm trying to read?"

"I'm sorry. Mom is too. She's very upset. Why did you go there?"

"I just told you I don't want to talk about it."

"I know what that place means to you and Dad. I mean, I was never part of your little breakfast club, but I know."

"That's because you and Jules always fought. You'd get bossy and she'd whine. Dad took Janie and me because we behaved."

"Whatever. Did you go alone?"

"No, the band had lunch there. That's all I'm saying."

"Was it hard?"

"It was torture, like this, you fucking interrogating me." He shook his head. "Yes, it was hard. I had a tidal wave of memories, and it fucked me up." He steeled his eyes. "So, drop it."

Jackie stood and walked over. She leaned down and hugged her brother. "I'm sorry, I really am." He watched her leave and went back to his book.

Joe couldn't focus on his reading. He was agitated. He loved his sister Jackie. She was now the closest sibling to him, less than four years apart, and they had their own special bond, but not like him and Janie. He suspected she knew this, and it troubled her.

Jules was six years behind Joe. So far apart they didn't have as much in common. He loved her for different reasons than he loved Jackie. Jules was the sister who needed Joe the most, She was always asking for help with something. Jeanie was eight years back. She was the curious sister, asking too many questions because she believed Joey knew everything. They were all so different even as they shared many traits, the way they looked up to him, how they were dependent on him, and how they wanted to know everything about their only brother.

Mom was pregnant with Jeanie when his sister died. She became so grief-stricken that she was hospitalized and almost lost the baby. She attended the wake and funeral, two long days in a wheelchair, and then went back to the hospital until she recovered. Two months later, Jeanie was born premature by six weeks, but healthy.

Joe stayed in his room all day. Dad was out, working on Uncle Ray's car. When he got home, Mom told him what happened. Joe heard the voices above him, in the kitchen. Dad knocked on Joe's door. He knew who it was.

"Come in."

"Hey, got a minute?"

"Yeah."

Dad took Jackie's place at the end of the bed. "Quite a day, huh?"

"Yeah, the guys asked me to lunch. I hesitated, didn't want to go, and then I did."

"When you started hanging around that garage, I wondered if you'd ever go in there. It's just up the street and you have to walk by it to get there."

"I know. I've thought about it many times... just couldn't do it."

"How did you manage it?"

"Barely. I was lightheaded and felt sick to my stomach. I just plowed through it. I played the songs. They're still on the jukebox."

"Why the hell would you do that?"

Joe shrugged. "It just happened, like I was possessed. It was okay. I think the songs helped."

Dad exhaled. "I haven't been there."

"I know, Dad. It hasn't changed one bit. Ricky says hello, he was asking about you."

"I feel bad I haven't stopped in. All those guys came to the wake." Dad was choking up. "They adored Janie. It was heartbreaking."

"I was there. I remember. Paul was there today, and Sammy, and that guy with the crooked eyes."

"Vinny."

"That's him. They recognized me after Ricky came over. They kept looking at me, whispering like old ladies."

Dad laughed, wiping his eyes. "Nothing has changed. They're the worst gossips."

"Okay." Dad placed his hand on Joe's sock-covered foot. "I just wanted to check in."

"Thanks, Dad. I'm not coming up for dinner. I have no appetite."

"Alright. I'll tell Mom. She'll understand. She's upset with herself. Julie and Jeanie are in the dark, but they know something is wrong today."

"They're too young to understand."

"Yeah, Julie's asking too many questions, and then Jeanie joined in."

"Then I'm definitely staying down here."

Dad left quietly, stopping for a moment to look at his son before he closed the door.

---- THE PUSHER MAN ----

As the band set up for a gig at The Living Room, Sal was visibly annoyed with a dude who was hanging around the stage, talking with Johnny. When Johnny went to the bar, Sal pushed the stranger away. "Keep that garbage away from my band." He scowled at the young man who got the message and disappeared into the crowd.

Joe laughed. "No thanks would have been enough."

"Fuck that guy. If we let them in, we're screwed." He pulled Joe aside, leaned in, and whispered. "We can't let assholes like that around Johnny. You know the deal."

"No, I don't. What deal?"

Sal's expression changed as he realized Joe didn't know what he was talking about. "Johnny did rehab years ago, in high school. He was pretty fucked up."

"From what?"

"He was dropping acid, taking uppers and downers." Sal leaned closer. "He's okay now, but we can't let those fuckers near him."

Joe stood there, focused on Sal, stunned. He had no clue Johnny had a drug problem. He drank beer and smoked grass, but never to excess. He saw him snort coke once. Sal's face told Joe that he regretted telling him.

"Joe, he's fine. We just can't take a chance. He went through a really bad time, like five years ago. He's clean now. I just don't want pill pushers near him."

Joe didn't say a word. Sal stared at him a moment then went back to setting up his rig. Joe had a lot on his mind that evening, and now Sal piled on the fact his lead guitarist had a serious problem - a few years ago. And it was a serious enough problem that he did rehab and Sal felt it necessary to push away the pusher man.

Joe didn't know what to think of it, so he tried not to think about it. He had other business to attend to, a minor predicament.

After the band began the show with their standard hard-three opening, they did a TV theme song. Sandy stood front and center, about five people deep, smiling with her friends while singing F Troop. Claire was stage left, with a few people between her and the stage. She definitely saw Sandy. Joe witnessed her staring coldly her way.

Joe put songs into the set he knew Sandy would like, sixties stuff. His punked-up version of 'Paint It Black' rocked. Then they played The Zombies' 'She's Not There,' after which he addressed the crowd.

"I have a special song. It's the favorite of a dear friend." Joe smiled at Sandy and then turned to Claire with that same face.

When Sal opened with the bass riff and Joe whispered the first four words, Sandy's face lit up. It was her favorite song. The one thing that worked in Joe's favor was the fact Claire loved Carly Simon too. It turns out that You're So Vain is a perfect song to be sung with bitterness, a tone of punk contempt. Joe committed to it, grabbing the mic for the chorus.

"You're so vain, you probably think this song is about you

You're so vain, I'll bet you think this song is about you

Don't you? Don't you?"

He punched those 'Don't yous' hard and angry. Sandy had a wide smile for the entire song, and she sang along with misty eyes. Claire had an expression of delight. Joe sensed the irony, both girls thought him playing this song was about them, but one was mistaken.

After Carly, Joe whipped out the other Simon. 'Kodachrome' was an easy song to turn hard. It has a perfect rhythm and tempo for punk. He watched Sandy dance happily to her other favorite song.

Standing in the alley behind The Living Room during set break; Sal, Johnny, and Nate passed a joint around with Denny. When Joe tried to join the smokers and tokers, someone grabbed his arm and pulled him away. Sandy led Joe down the alley away from the crowd, around the corner, and pushed him against the brick building.

"Did your band really learn those songs just for me?"

"Yeah, I asked them to try some new stuff. Kodachrome was easy, but Sal hated playing Carly Simon. I had to prove I could make it punk rock."

"It was incredible. This is going to sound crazy, but your version seems more... I don't know. I can't say it's better than hers. Carly is telling him he's a vain jackass, but you sing it with bitterness, and that really works. It was so great."

"Thank you, but let's not get carried away. We reinvent songs to suit our style, which is a little angry. We do this all the time."

"You do this for girls all the time?"

"No, I picked the Simons for you."

"It's the most beautiful thing anyone has ever done for me." She paused and looked deep into his eyes. "Thank you, Joe."

Joe's lifelong crush planted a kiss on him, the first since middle school, holding him against the wall. Joe didn't resist.

"How many drinks have you had?" He asked

"A few, why?"

"You're never this aggressive."

"You never played songs for me. I never felt so..." Sandy scrunched her nose cutely.

"Special?"

"Yes," she smiled. "You made me feel special."

"You've always been special. I've only told you a zillion times."

"I know." Sandy pulled him closer. "I guess I needed you to sing it." She kissed him again.

Joe lightly held her neck in his hands, making her kiss linger. "I thought you were going to cry."

Sandy laughed, placing her head against Joe's chest. "I was holding it back. Singing along kept me from breaking."

A high-pitched voice called from the corner. "There you are. We need to talk." It was Gay Isaac and he was on fire... invading their moment. "Please tell me that's not your only Carly Simon song. That was fabulous!"

"I'm afraid it is. That's her favorite song. Isaac, this is Sandy. Sandy, meet Isaac."

"Pleased to meet you, girl." He extended his hand. "Did he play that for you?"

Sandy nodded. She was taken aback by Isaac's in-your-face flamboyance. She shook his hand. He couldn't hide his gayness if he wanted - and Isaac didn't care to.

He winked at Joe. "She's gorgeous."

"I know," Joe smiled at Sandy.

"Joe," Isaac put his hand on Joe's arm. "That was fantastic. Carly could take a cue from you. Make that song angry girl."

Sandy laughed, "I just said the same thing. It was so good."

Then Issac's eyes got big. "Uh, oh."

Joe turned to see Claire coming up behind him. Fortunately, his introducing Issac to Sandy had broken their embrace, so it looked innocent enough. Claire wasted no time in planting her flag in Joe. She leaned against him, took his hand, planted a kiss on his cheek, and then looked Sandy square in the eyes.

"So, what do you think of this guy on stage?"

"He's..." Sandy hesitated. "Joe's doing what he's always said he would do. He's incredible and I'm happy for him."

"He is." Claire pulled him closer.

"I'm going back inside," Sandy said. She touched Joe's hand and walked away.

Isaac looked at Joe, then Claire, then back at Joe with a smirk, and then followed Sandy. He stood with Sandy for the entire second set, talking between songs, buying her drinks, and being himself - Joe's biggest fan at The Living Room. The show ended at midnight. Sandy was lit up, partly due to several cocktails, and partly the energy of the performance. Joe wanted to invite her back to the garage. She'd never been there.

Isaac frowned at Joe with sad eyes as she hugged him goodbye with Claire watching from ten feet away. The moment she was away, Isaac glanced at Claire and pulled Joe aside. He wanted to gossip.

Isaac took Joe by the arm. "So, she's the girl you told me about, your old crush?"

"Yes, she's the one."

"What about Claire? I thought she was the one. She doesn't look pleased."

"Shut up, Isaac."

"Are you and Sandy a thing now?"

"I don't know, man. I never know with her."

"Are you and Claire....?"

"We're something," Joe cut him off. "I just don't know what it is yet."

The next day at school, Sandy was flirty and happy to see Joe. She talked up the band to her girlfriends. Joe saw an opportunity. Sandy seemed into him and was genuinely impressed by his performance the night before.

"What are you doing tonight? I'd like to take you out for your birthday."

"I have plans with Katie."

"You're with Katie every day of your life. You can't break plans for me?"

Sandy stared at Joe, then smiled, "What time?"

"I'll come to your house at six."

--- TEEN ANGEL ---

Joe was oddly nervous having dinner with a girl he'd been friends with since grade school. They were just friends. Still, he had butterflies, as if he were on his first date with an angel. Sandy's mother always liked Joe. She embarrassed her daughter by making a big deal about them going on their first date. They walked to Andino's on The Hill, a very intimate family-owned restaurant.

The waiter showed the young couple to a table against the window looking out on Atwells Avenue. They quietly glanced at the menus. Joe ordered an appetizer to share and soft drinks. Sandy wasn't a big drinker, and she got drunk the night before, so Joe abstained. They looked at entrees making menu small talk.

When the calamari appetizer arrived they ordered their dinners. She ordered the manicotti. Joe went with linguine in clam sauce. As soon as the waiter was clear, Sandy wasted no time in getting to the point.

"What you said a while back about always being second," she said quietly. "It really hurts to know you feel that way about us."

"I'm sorry, but that's precisely how I feel, and you can't deny the facts."

"I know, and I understand why you see it that way, but I don't think you understand my feelings."

"Let's have it. I'm all ears."

They clammed up when the waiter was nearby. After serving herself another portion, Sandy continued while Joe ate batter-fried squid rings with pepperoncini.

"When we were young, you were quiet and kind of shy. You didn't really have any close friends, except me. I was there when you were bullied. I witnessed it, and I felt bad. It was terrible."

"Well, that version of me is dead and buried. I don't miss him."

"That's where this is going, Joe. I liked you, always have. You were caring and sensitive. I loved that about you. You were always kind and considerate."

"I know what happened to me, years of therapy teaches you a few things. After I lost my sister I became an emotional fucking mess? Can you blame me?"

"No. I know. I was there for you. It was hard seeing you in pain, and I was too young to know what to do or say. It was awful, Joe. It hurt to see you like that."

"And then I snapped out of it."

"Yeah, and I didn't like the next version of you so much." She paused. "When you finally stood up to Nick Petrangelo and knocked him down, everyone was happy a bully got what he deserved, but that day changed you."

"Yeah, for the better. I wasn't getting pushed around anymore."

"I know, but then you bloodied Giovani's nose and you beat up Carfaro. I didn't recognize you anymore. You were still my best friend, and I loved you, but you scared me. You seemed to be ready to punch someone in the face if..."

"If they picked on me, or anyone else. I fought the bullies Sandy; the assholes, not weak kids."

When salads arrived, they sat quietly as the waiter did his thing, serving and filling water glasses.

"I realize that Joe, but to me it was all violence, and you were always ready to fight. It only got worse in high school. I saw that beating you gave McGill in the cafeteria. It was bad." She leaned in to whisper. "You really messed him up."

Joe pointed his fork at her. "And he started it."

"I know he did, but that's not the point. You didn't even think to talk your way out, not one word, you went straight to punching his face."

Joe picked through his salad, a little annoyed that Sandy couldn't differentiate between his beating a bully and that bully picking on weaker kids. She ate her salad, taking a break from talking. He didn't have any words at the moment. When entrees arrived, she went on.

"I love you, Joe. I always have. You've been one of my best friends for years, but you turned dark, and I had to step back. That's why we've never been," she paused again, "what you want us to be."

Joe took a deep breath and exhaled. "I understand. I'm sorry."

"You don't have to apologize. You did what you had to do. I just think you went too far. For years the kids at school were saying you're a mental case."