All The Young Punks Pt. 42

"Bullshit!" She shouted, taking the mic from Joe and turning to the crowd. "How could you pick her? She had no moves."

The crowd was stunned. They booed her. Diedra flipped them off and turned to Joe.

"I'm taking that shirt, even if I have to kick your ass..." she pointed at Cynthia. "And hers too!" She did a mic drop and rushed Joe, taking hold of his collar, pulling him close, and getting him in a bear hug. As Cynthia grabbed the bottom of his I Love New York shirt, Diedra lifted Joe off the floor. A Punks Wrestling first. No girl had even done that.

The other two contestants joined in creating an onstage melee that shocked the crowd. Four girls ripped Joe's shirt to shreds, he was kicked, his hair pulled, and when he grabbed Deidra's ass, she slapped him across the face. He went to the floor, remnants of his black T shirt hanging from his neck. The KU crowd went bananas as the girls fought amongst themselves, handfuls of hair were grabbed and headlocks applied before Sal and Simon broke up the fake cat fight. Joe remained on the floor, acting injured. As the scene ended, the crowd went quiet, murmurs spread around the room. Joe picked himself up and his mic.

"Let's hear it for the KU dance and wrestling team!" He led the applause as the girls stepped up, hand in hand, and took a bow, letting their fellow Kansans in on the joke. They went nuts again, cheering as they walked off stage, except Cynthia.

"What about my prize?"

Joe pulled the neck ring and tattered remains of cotton over his head and handed it to her.

A few songs later, Joe brought out the girl he picked to play Patty Smith. Candace sang a hard version of 'Because The Night'. She was the best of the singers. As she walked off to rowdy applause, Joe shouted. "That girl has a set of pipes!"

The final bit was near the end of the set. Joe brought out his three backup singers and Candace to do a three-song medley. They opened with 'You're No Good', an old sixties song made famous by Linda Ronstadt in the seventies. Joe had added five songs to the band's repertoire of show tunes, a growing number of songs chosen for girls to sing. They then did a punk version of Diana Ross, the backup girls, singing, dancing, and doing hand movements, "Stop!...in the name of love, before you break my heart."

Candace joined the backup singers and Marybeth returned to sing "Dancing In The Street', another Motown classic. When they hit the chorus, the dancers returned. All nine girls were on stage. It wasn't punk, but as they do, the band bashed those chords and invented a new genre, Motown punk.

In the back of the auditorium, watching his first ever show as an EIC tour bus driver, stood 50-something Larry, surrounded by kids his daughter's age. He was invited inside venues during the forty-day tour but he declined. When he saw the girls waiting to audition, he said, "In eleven years I've never watched a concert on the job. This I gotta see."

After the show, Joe invited the girls back to the bus. He gave them each The Young Punks prize package; a tee shirt, vinyl of their choice, stickers and pins... as well as a ten dollar bill.

"The theater manager told me you could appear on stage under one condition. You must be paid performers. I guess it's a union rule. So, you're now official members of The YPPU."

"What's that?" M&M asked.

"The Young Punks Performers Union."

Diedra wrapped her arms around Joe's neck. "Does that come with any perks?"

He put his hands up, "My girl in New York might have a problem with YPPU perks."

Diedra had to settle for a consolation prize.

The following day, on the road back east, the return leg through Missouri, Tennessee, and Kentucky, Sal was a little bitchy. Larry asked him, "Why the long face?"

"Last night I learned what it takes for me to lose a boner."

Nate laughed, "What's that, an Amazon woman who can kick your ass in a game of one-on-one?"

"Yeah," Joe added. "Deidra had a strong move to the hoop."

"No!" Sal barked. "All she wanted to talk about was what a cool guy Joe is. Seriously!" Sal made a falsetto voice. "Joe is really funny. I can't believe he came up with all this. I had so much fun with him on stage. He's so cool. That shit was a boner killer."

All the guys laughed, but none louder than Larry. He roared with one eye in the mirror and one on the road.

--- SHEILA'S SHENANIGANS ---

After the second tour bus run, the way Joe saw it, this thirty days on and two weeks off would be the new routine for the band. As long as it worked financially, he had no interest in buying a new RV. The Whale was too good to pass up, especially with Larry behind the wheel. At the Abrams Agency, Sheila suggested the band should take one week off between trips. Joe had to put his foot down hard.

"Are you fucking serious? You want us to do thirty days on and seven off? How about you leave this damn city for one week, you'd be bitching and crying to come home."

"You know I don't leave the city."

"And that's why you have no clue how hard the road can be. Leave the tour planning to us, go do lunch with a playwright."

"If you don't like the road, why the hell are you a musician?"

"I never said I didn't like it. I said it's hard, and we need a decent break."

The next thirty-day trip had the band bouncing around the southeast, into the Carolinas, Georgia, and Florida. Joe nearly fell in love in Charlottesville. As he made his way to the bus, a sweet blonde girl stopped him to say how much fun she had at the UVA show. Her combination of enthusiasm and shyness charmed him. Ellen had an easy laugh. As they talked, Nate and Sal boarded the bus with two loud girls. Seeing his near future being disturbed by the afterparty, Joe invited Ellen to a diner, where other Virginia kids who had just seen his campus hall show gawked at them while they enjoyed pancakes, pie, and coffee.

"Do you like being on the road?" Ellen asked, self-conscious about the many eyes on her.

"At times it's great. Sometimes it sucks. I miss my girl. I don't miss New York so much."

"Why? It must be exciting living there."

"That city hurts me sometimes. I'm sensitive to suffering, and that's not a good way to be in Manhattan."

"So, the road is better."

"I didn't say that." Joe took a bite of strawberry-rhubarb pie with homemade cream. "I said it can be nice, like right now." He met Ellen's bright blue eyes. "This is nice. It's better than hanging around in my locker room on wheels listening to my Neanderthal bandmates have their way with your classmates."

"I don't know those girls."

"You don't?"

"They're townies, rough girls actually," Ellen smiled. "You must see a lot of that, being a punk rocker."

"Yeah, but I'm not that hard a punk. I'm a middling punk, leather, and jeans, but I don't dig the tats and piercing, not on me. It's cool on them, not on me."

"And you're sensitive."

"Yes, I prefer sweet girls. Like you."

Ellen blushed. Joe's heart sighed. He walked her back to campus with a boner.

"How's having a driver listening and seeing everything you guys do on tour?" She asked as they crossed the famous UVA lawn.

"Our first driver was amazing, this guy is Mister No Fun. When I arrived at the bus to leave the city for this trip, I was crestfallen. This new guy is younger than our friend Larry, but he's much older inside, up here." Joe pointed to his temple. "Dale is all business, by the book, safety first, and he doesn't care to get to know us. He's kinda creepy."

Saying goodbye to a girl you'd like to sleep with while being super careful to not send the wrong signals was one the great socially awkward moments of Joe's life, and he'd been there so many times. He suffered saying goodbye like a sixth grader, a hug, maybe a peck on the cheek. It was brutal. He returned hastily to The Whale, walked through the afterparty that Simon had joined with another girl, barely spoke a word, and locked himself in his cabin. He put on headphones and masturbated slowly listening to Miles Davis. Punk isn't good for everything. You could rip your dick off jerking to The Ramones.

Joe's didn't mind the road. If it weren't for Tina's weepy phone calls and the torture of so many beautiful, flirty girls, he'd probably love the road, seeing new places and new people.

The release of tension back in The West Village was immediate. Tina was worked up after a month without Joe, and he was ready after so many nights of frustration. Joe didn't hide the facts of the road. After talking about the incredible pecan pie he had in South Carolina, he told Tina tales of him being kind to the girls who drew the short straw.

"There was a chick in Athens, Molly. She claimed to be a huge fan trying to tell me stuff about me and getting it all wrong."

"Is that Georgia?"

"Yes, that's where the university is. It's a cool town. The B-52s and R.E.M. are from there. I think R.E.M. is going to be huge. Anyway, she was cute and funny trying to impress me with what she knew, and it was all wrong."

"Did you correct her?"

"Why embarrass her? So, if you ever meet Molly from Georgia. The band is from New York City, I graduated from NYU, and I'm an only child."

"Where did she get that shit?"

Joe shrugged. "I didn't ask. Once we got past that initial weirdness, she was very cool and we had a nice talk over two slices of peach pie. It is Georgia. I had a slice in Atlanta and two in Savannah. Oh, and peach cobbler in Augusta."

Tina slapped his chest. "Stop talking about pie. Now I'm hungry."

"Let's go out."

Tina stretched to see her clock "It's 11:08"

"Yeah, it's still early. I work at bars and nightclubs, T. These are my work hours."

"We're not all nocturnal, like you."

"C'mon, don't be a baby. I'll just have to go alone and have...hmmm, I'm thinking cherry. No, lemon meringue." He smiled. "How about banana cream?"

"Okay, I'll come, but you have to tell me more road stories."

"You mean the girls?"

"Anything, but them too."

Joe knew she meant the girls. At the Skyline Diner, he had cherry and banana cream. Tina had a slice of peach. He told her tales of his road celibacy.

"There was a real cool chick in Charlottesville."

"Is that Virginia?"

"Yes. Oh, yeah." Joe smirked mischievously. "I visited a Civil War museum there. History is one of the best things about being in the South. I did the national battlefield in Fredericksburg. It's surreal standing on that ground knowing the sacrifice and the details of that bloody battle. I had the same eerie feelings at Gettysburg last year."

"Tell me about the girl."

"What, these are road stories. I always visit the national battlefields."

"I know. What was so cool about this Virginia chick?"

Joe gave her a watered-down version of that night with Ellen, minus the masturbation scene at the end.

After a few days of rest, relaxation, and more sex than he needed to feel human again, Joe popped into the Abrams Agency. He was in good spirits. The records were still selling. He intended to tell Ken he did a good job on the southern tour. They had some great gigs. Instead, Ken had a surprise for Joe.

"What the hell is this? We're going back out in ten days? I said two weeks, Ken. Do you even listen to a word I say?"

Ken stared at him like a deer in the headlights.

"It wasn't him," Laura said. "He gave you fourteen days and Sheila told him to add two shows at the front."

"Is she fucking with me?"

"No," Ken said quickly.

Laura shrugged big, with her face and shoulders.

"I know how you feel, Joe," Ken said nervously. "I know you said no less than fourteen days off. I did that, and she threw her weight around. Sheila's my boss, right? I know you're the client. It's not easy being caught in the middle."

Joe exhaled, maybe it's not Ken's fault. "What did you add?"

"The good news is, they're great gigs, a beach pavilion on the Jersey Shore and a theater in Philly. Those were added to the front."

"What about the Navy Yard? It holds twelve hundred. That's good enough."

"Yes, but we can't charge a ten-dollar cover charge there. The Penn Theater holds 2400 and tickets are ten bucks."

Joe stared at the maps on the wall. "And then we're going through the Gulf Coast to Texas?"

"That's the plan," Laura said. "If that's what..."

"We'll do it." He turned to Ken. "The next time she tells you to cut my time off, you do nothing except contact me and put her on the line." He stared intensely, making Ken squirm. "You got that?"

"I will do that," he nodded. "and let you two fight it out."

.

.

--- BOYFRIENDS ---

With only days remaining on his break between road trips, Joe tried to plan his drive back home around Tina's schedule. When she sadly informed him she had a busy weekend with an event at VSGG and her cousin's baby shower in Brooklyn, he made his escape. He arrived home on Saturday afternoon to find Jeanie alone. She was sitting in the living room watching MTV. She smiled and got up to hug him.

"Where is everyone?"

"Mom is volunteering at the hospital and Dad is helping Uncle Louie. Jackie and Julie are out with their stupid boyfriends."

"Jules has a boyfriend?"

"Yeah, Dean Palmieri."

"She's dating a Palmieri? Fuck."

"Dean seems nice."

"His uncles and cousins are goons. Where are they?"

"Getting ice cream at DeVito's."

"Why didn't they take you?"

"Because I'm annoying," she said sadly.

"C'mon." He kissed her hair. "I'll get you an Italian Ice."

Jeannie smiled. "Goodie."

Jackie had a few boyfriends in high school. Joe wasn't around enough to know everything going on in his sisters' lives but he did make a point of meeting her boyfriends, just to size them up and give them the Theroux stink eye. They seemed okay, just high school boys in her Accelerated Curriculum Program. They were a tad nerdy but good kids. Jackie was tall and beautiful. Joe thought she could do better, but he was cool with his sister dating the smart kids. He also knew Jackie was tough and would stand up for herself. He didn't have that confidence in Jules. He worried about her and the boys. As far as he knew, this was her first, at age fifteen.

He drove Jeanie over to DePasquale Square. While Jeanie ordered at DeVito's window, he approached a cafe table of four, the exact table he and Claire once sat at when Sandy awkwardly confronted him. This encounter would be equally uncomfortable for some. Joe decided to use Jeanie as a cover for his intentions.

"Hey, why didn't you bring her with you?"

Jackie, Jules, and two boys looked up. The boy's eyes got big.

"Because we're trying to talk and she never shuts up," Jules said.

"What are you doing here?" Jackie asked.

"I can't just come home for no reason? I came to see you." He eyeballed the two boys and then turned to his sisters. "Do you have any idea how many times you tagged along with me over the years, even when you were pains-in-my-ass and never shut up?"

Jackie and Julie shared a glance, then looked up at Joe standing over their table. They both shrugged.

"A hundred times. You need to pass that patience down to her. This is bullshit." He looked at the boys again. "And who are you?"

Jackie gave her brother a look telling him she didn't appreciate his tone, or him even being there. "This is Scott." She turned to her boyfriend. "This is my brother..."

"Joe," Scott said, standing to shake his hand. "I've heard a lot about you."

Joe nodded while shaking. "I don't know anything about you."

Jules then spoke up. "This is Dean."

Joe reached around his sister to shake Dean's hand. The kid smiled.

"I like your band," Dean said nervously.

"Thanks. So you're a Palmieri?"

He nodded.

"Are you related to Ralph and Jimmy?"

"They're my cousins."

"Your cousins are thugs."

"I know, but I'm not."

"I'm sure Ralphie and Jimmy say the same about themselves."

Joe remained by the table and listened to the boys uncomfortably speak for themselves. Scott was a freshman at RIC with Jackie. His family lived in Mount Pleasant, less than two miles away. Dean was a hoodrat and assured Joe his father was not in the family business.

"So you live on Barton Street?"

"Yes."

He looked at Scott, "And you?"

"Galileo Ave."

"Is that off Chalkstone, right, near the golf course?"

Scott nodded.

"Okay, well," Joe rocked back on his heels. "You kids have fun." He found the eyes of the boyfriends. "If you do anything to hurt my sister... I know where you live."

"Joey!" Jackie yelled. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

"Nothing," he smirked. "You and I can talk later."

"No! We won't. This is none of your business, asshole!"

"Let's go, Jeanie." He stepped away. "I'll take you over to Victory Records." His eyes met Jackie's "Unlike some people, I enjoy hanging around with you."

Jeanie stuck her tongue out at her sisters and followed Joe out of the plaza, happily eating her Italian Ice. "That was awesome," she smiled as she climbed into Ellie's front seat.

Joe's 'rudeness', as Jackie put it, cast a chill over his two day visit. She was upset with Joe and made sure everyone in the house knew it. After he left for New York, she was still venting to Mom. Alice listened to her eldest daughter, pretending to be sympathetic.

"Your brother has his ways. We may not agree with him, but he means well."

"By threatening my boyfriend?"

"You have to understand that Joey feels guilty that he's no longer here to look over you girls and he..."

"I'm eighteen! I don't need him watching over me."

"He will always try, even when he lives far away."

The truth is, both Mom and Dad were okay with his antics at DePasquale Square. They told Joe they couldn't talk to Jackie about boyfriends without suffering her wrath. As she got older, and with Joe gone, Jackie had become a force in the Theroux home. Before Joe had departed, Mom expressed her biggest concern about this new boyfriend.

"He has this hot rod, and I don't like the way he drives."

"It's a 1970 Camaro," Dad said. "He and his dad rebuilt it."

"Is it banana yellow with the black rally stripes?" Joe asked.

"Yes."

"I parked alongside it when I was there. It's a nice car."

"It's a very nice car," Dad said. "and they put a 396 with a four-barrel carburetor in that thing."

Joe pursed his lips. "Ooph. That's a lot for a light car."

"And he likes to show it off," Dad said.

"Other than that," Mom said. "He seems like a good boy."

--- SURFLESS SUMMER ---

In late May, as they prepared for their fourth bus tour, Joe lamented another sacrifice being made as the band moved to larger venues. They lost their beach season. For the first time, they would not be focusing on clubs along the coast and spending their free time in the sun, sand, and surf. He enjoyed the three-month break from the usual routine, and it was still mostly a college crowd. That fun in the sun was now history as the band pushed west. It was cool playing new cities and adding record shops to the Guerilla Network, but it came at a cost. Joe was genuinely depressed about losing his beach club summer.

Before the band departed, Joe visited Gravesend in Brooklyn. He had a proposition for Eddie Bags that was more a favor than business. First he had to listen to Bags break his balls about not playing in his club in a long time.

"I'll make a deal with you," Joe said. "We'll do a free show here if you help me out with a problem I have."

"What's that, kid?"

Joe explained his issue at AA, and how he's trying to keep his new Guerilla talent away from Sheila's bad management while still having her people book the tours.

"She's pressuring them to sign management contracts and I need to protect them."

"What can I do about that?" Eddie asked, pouring Joe a pint.

"You can manage bands for Guerilla Records, but it's only on paper. There will be a simple contract. You'll be a manager with no duties."