Amelia Then And Now

She beamed up at me, "Maybe you can't say no to my smile."

I felt her brush her arm up against me. I could feel her warmth. I don't know what I was thinking but I instinctively stuffed my hands deeper into my pockets and pressed my arms closer to my body as I walked. There was no room for a hand to push through between.

Amelia leaned a little to her side, putting a bit more space between us.

I cleared my throat then said, "So you owe me."

"Hmm?" she answered whimsically.

"For going out with you guys tonight," I said, "You owe me something."

"I've got lint in my pocket," she mocked, "You can have that."

"Something goooood," I mused.

She arched her fine line eyebrow towards me, "What, pray tell, do you want?"

I curled my mouth in a crooked shape as I pretended to think hard, "I'm thinking...I'm thinking of a song."

She rolled her eyes and sighed.

"I'm thinking of a Christmas carol," I teased.

Her head shook as she frowned.

"Chestnuts roasting on an open fire," I hummed off tune then said, "You know. That one. 'The Christmas Song'."

"Auugh!" she groaned and ran off ahead to join the group.

During dinner somebody pulled out a camera and everyone immediately designated Amelia the official photographer. Like everything else, she relished the job.

"Yeah! Yeah, bambino! Make LOVE to your fettuccine! Twirl that pasta! Whooo!" she spoke in a drippy faux-Italian accent to one of the other diners. Everyone laughed.

I don't know how many times I got caught on camera but, despite my best efforts, I saw dozens of little flash ghosts floating across the décor long before dessert came. I disliked having my picture taken. I was always self-conscious of my looks: patchy red complexion, flat nose, short black under-styled hair, and just plain...well, plain. Instinctively before each flash went off, I'd lower my head or look away.

Amelia sat next to me and pointed the camera at my face, just inches away. I panicked and immediately put my hand over the lens and pushed it down and away.

"Come on!" she exaggerated a girlish whine, "Something for the memory books!"

She raised the camera again. Again I pushed it away.

I tried to put a serious expression on my face and said firmly "No."

Still she raised the camera. I held my hands up in front of the lens, starting to feel annoyed. I snapped, "Hey Amelia. Come on. Stop it..."

Amelia lowered the camera to her lap. She looked a bit dejected. Sighing once she said, "I'll sing the song."

I raised my eyebrow and remarked, "Yeah?"

"One photo," she continued, "And then I'll sing for you guys at Christmas time."

I bounced my head back and forth in a slow thoughtful nod for a minute. I shrugged and gave in, "Fine! Fine! Go ahead!"

Instantly she broke into her trademark smile. She raised the camera and then quickly turned around and leaned back against me. Before I knew it, she held out the camera, facing it towards us.

"Smile!" Click.

I think my mouth was in the shape of me saying, "Hey!" I wasn't sure though. I never saw the photo.

**********

Christmas time rolled around in the department. Somehow, for whatever reason or reasons, Amelia was able to welch on her promise to sing for us. It was so busy at the library during that time that I didn't have the energy to drag her down and make her perform in front of the staff. As everyone left for the day for a 3 day break for Christmas, I barely had enough energy to hand out my gifts, mugs full of candy, to each of the pages.

"Oh nice!" Amelia cooed as she held up her reindeer antler mug, "Mint Hershey's kisses!"

She smiled at me. Deep down, I was preparing for a hug. I was thinking that I would make sure it was just an "arm around the back" type of hug. "But what if she gives me a present?" I wondered to myself. I looked around uneasily to see who else was nearby.

"Merry Christmas!" she chimed in. Then she waved and ran off to join the group as they exited.

No hug. No present. It was actually a relief.

I think.

****************

Typical of me, I was late with my Christmas shopping and what I did buy earlier in the season I didn't bother to wrap until Christmas Eve. I was in the middle of late night gift wrapping in my apartment when the phone rang.

"Hello?" I answered.

There was the distorted tinny voice of someone on the intercom in the lobby. The melody in the voice still made it through the static though, "Hello? Patrick? Hel-LOOOO?"

"Amelia?" I frowned, "Is that you?"

"Yes, it's me!" she chirped, "Can I come up?"

I paused listening to the crackling of the line. I looked around my apartment uneasily, rolls of wrapping paper and ribbon strewn across the floor. "Uh...my place is kind of a mess..."

"Well, can you come down?" she asked.

Again I hesitated but answered slowly, "Ssssure. Is, uh, is there something wrong, Amelia?"

"Nope," she said then she hung up.

Hanging up, I had one hand on my waist, the other I dragged through my hair as I exhaled a long breath. I was feeling a bit warm and muddled. I stood there for a second trying to think when the phone rang again. What now?

"Yeah?" I said.

"Bring your skates," Amelia said then hung up once more.

We strolled from my apartment to the outdoor skating rink near our library. She never explained why she called me out that night and I didn't ask again. Instead she said, "You're lucky to be able to just walk to work."

"That was the idea when I moved there," I said nodding back to the apartment. In a way, the out-of-bed-into-work nature of my life probably played a role in my reclusive way, among other things.

I joked, "It also allows me to go for these late night skating escapades."

"Cool, huh?" she smiled.

"It's after 11 o'clock," I yawned.

"That's the cool part."

The rink was abandoned. It was late. It was chilly. It was the night before Christmas. Who would be out skating? Most of the lights in the square were off except for a few security lights. And the music was off. Who could skate without music? We put on our skates anyway.

I turned the collar of my long heavy coat up as I stepped onto the ice. She zipped her beige and pink ski jacket up right to her chin. Frozen wisps of air drifted from her red lips and her usually rosy cheeks were already turning a deeper red. I had to double up my gloves.

Yet still we skated.

Actually it was more like Amelia gliding along like a pixie on the ice and me shuffling my feet trying to gain momentum and thinking about my numb ankles. She skated around the rink, doing little spins and turns. She looked completely absorbed in her graceful motions. Every so often, she would look up at me from the other end of the rink and wave, then she went back to her figures. There seemed to be nothing that she did that she didn't excel in. And everything she did, she did so with an unmistakeable relish and glee.

She skated over to me and then matched my leisurely pace. With our hands in our pockets, we slowly moved around in circles around the rink. It was so quiet except for our skates on the ice.

"So you were wrapping up gifts I guess?" she finally asked.

"Yep," I nodded and chuckled, "And because of someone I know, I'm going to be wrapping presents into the wee hours!"

She giggled softly and said, "Sorry. It's just that, sometimes, if you gotta skate, you gotta skate!"

I eyed her with mock suspicion.

"Did you find something nice for your girlfriend?" she suddenly asked.

I blinked and tilted my head, "What girlfriend?"

"Oh sorry," she said, "I thought you were going out with that person from the second floor."

"Carrie?" I looked up at the sky, exaggerating my uncertainty, "Um...no. Not my girlfriend."

Carrie had gone out with me twice. I could tell during dinner that she had come out the first time because she wasn't quick enough to come up with an excuse not to go. The second time...I don't know. Trying to make sure she was right about the first time? I just don't know.

But I thought we had been discreet about our dates. I didn't ask Amelia how she knew about them.

"No connection?" Amelia asked.

"Guess not."

She pursed her lips as she nodded her head slightly. I though I detected a hint of a smile there.

"And what did you get for Stephen?" I asked her.

"Wallet," she remarked, "He's always stuffing his money into his pocket and it falls out when he reaches for something."

"Very nice," I said.

Again she nodded thoughtfully. After another moment she said, "Thanks again for the cute mug. And for the chocolates."

"No problem," I answered, "Did you finish them already?"

She rolled her eyes, "I couldn't stop myself."

"Glutton," I muttered.

We both laughed. As we continued to skate, I had a thought in my head that she might pull a present for me from her pocket. Instead, she looked at her watch.

"Had enough? Time to go?" I asked.

Amelia looked up at me, a broad, twinkling smile on her sweet face. She skated ahead and then spun around and continued to face me, skating backwards. She took a deep breath.

"Chestnuts roasting on an open fire..." she began to sing, "Jack Frost nipping at your nose..."

I came to an unsteady stop on the ice and just stood and listened.

"Yuletide carols being sung by a fire and folks dressed up like Eskimos...."

Her voice was...it was so pure. Unbroken like the fallen snow and crisp and strong like the winter wind. I listened to her sing, mesmerized as her voice drifted from lyric to lyric. She continued to skate around me, her angelic voice filling the air surrounding me. She sang the entire song.

"And so I'm offering you this simple phrase, for kids from one to ninety-two..."

I had a stunned, amazed smile on my face. It was in stark contrast to the confident and calm smile on hers.

"Though it's been said, many times, many ways..."

She had her hands behind her back as she curled her way back towards me. She skated within half a meter and stopped in front of me.

"Merry Christmas...," she sang, "...To you."

We stood there facing each other. The wind was doing it's best to send a chill through us. It was failing miserably.

"Wow," I breathed, "Very, very nice."

I clapped my hands together. Amelia looked like she would blush if her cheeks weren't already a ripe red. She held her hand to her mouth and laughed.

"That was great," I applauded her.

"Merry Christmas, Patrick," she said and bowed her head slightly. Then she reached towards me. I started to raise my arms. She just flattened out my collar, smiling.

As she got into her car and drove away that early Christmas morning, all I could ask to myself was, "Why did she ask me to come out tonight?"

******************

"She seems quite taken with you," Nadja said.

Nadja was one of the senior supervisors of the library. We often had lunch together and we talked about pretty much anything. Today, she caught me off guard.

"Who?" I asked.

"The young one. Short with brunette hair," she said, "Looks a bit like a fairy."

"Amelia?" I said quizzically, "Naw."

Amelia was sweet to everyone. She was energetic and spirited around everyone.

Nadja squinted through her glasses over her sharp nose. I tried to focus on my sandwich.

Besides, it had been over a year since we went skating. That was the only time we were ever out alone together. And there was nothing much about that night, anyway. Ever since then, we just did the usual group things. The last Christmas just came and went, uneventful. I bought her a cake for her birthdays but I did that for all of the team. She was just a bit more openly gleeful when she expressed her appreciation.

But the older woman seated beside me just continued to squint at me even as I frowned and put down my sandwich. I sat back in my chair and sighed. She was trying to pull some confession out of me but I didn't feel like I had one to offer.

"You don't see it?" she asked.

I shook my head. Didn't she realize what kind of trouble I would be in if I even suggested something like she was implying? I replied, "No. I don't. I don't know what you're talking about."

Nadja sat back in her chair, arms crossed, eyes still planted firmly on me. "Okay. But I'm speaking to you as a friend here, not a co-worker," she said. She placed a hand on my shoulder, "You be careful. That's all I'm going to say."

That's all she needed to say. The words were cold. I chewed on my lower lip as I thought about what she was saying. I had been convinced that there was nothing to be worried about between me and Amelia. But Nadja thought she saw something. That thought planted concerns in my head, or maybe drew the ones I already had out into the open.

**********

Amelia quit the library less than two years after being hired. She didn't really want to but it was for a reason that was common for many student resignations.

"Looking forward to university?" I asked her.

"Not really," she sighed as she finished shelving her final book truck, "I really don't know what I'm doing. I'm not sure what I want to major in."

"You don't have to decide in first year," I commented, "Take your time. Besides you're good at everything you do."

She sighed, "I don't want to quit work either."

"Ah, well, it's the circle of life," I smirked, "You'll just be replaced by a younger, faster version."

Her face twinkled with shock and mock anger. She gasped, her mouth dropping open and she smacked my arm. "That's so cruel!" she remarked.

I laughed as I batted away her light fists.

She stopped swatting at me and looked at me thoughtfully. She raised a brow, "You'd better miss me."

It sounded more like a threat than a question but I nodded and answered, "You can't be replaced, Amelia."

"Good." That seemed to appease her.

Amelia left the library that September. It was sad to see her go. The remaining student team was certainly dejected. For myself, a guilty pall hung over me. Somewhere deep in my head, I was relieved to see her go. I didn't have to "be careful" anymore.

**********

Even though she was in a university in the city, we never called one another and we never met up.

We kept in touch via weekly emails. They were sort of electronic continuations of our banter when we worked together.

"It's so quiet here now that you've left," I typed to her, "It's such a relief!"

"Don't make me come back there and apply for work again!" She typed out her 'threats', "I'll do it! I'll come back and strangle you with your crooked collars!"

I laughed, but our joking was tinged with a cloud of seriousness. Amelia wasn't doing so well in her classes. She was struggling to stay afloat and though she said would continue to do her best, each successive emails seemed less and less hopeful, lacking any of the usual energy and eagerness she used to exude. I did what I could to encourage her, to take her mind off of school.

"Thanks Patrick," she typed one time, "These little emails are really helpful for me. They mean a lot."

I leaned back in my chair staring at the computer. I saw the pretty face of a former co-worker on the screen. The image made me feel good inside. I wanted her to feel good. I was hoping she was smiling that warm smile of hers.

***********

About a year and a half, I was working at the public desk, my head looking down at the pile of papers in front of me. I could see someone approaching the desk and I looked up.

"Amelia!" I said. My eyes lit up. Hers were already sparkling.

The small young woman scooted around the desk and I gave her a soft hug. She held me a little tighter, a little longer. I put my hands gently on her waist. I immediately moved my hands away, my heart skipping a beat. She stepped back and smiled gently, looking me over like she was recovering her fond memories.

Our emails had trickled to infrequent reviews by then.

I asked, "So how are you? How's school?"

"I dropped out!" She quipped still smiling.

"Oh."

"No worries! It's good!" She waved her hands. Her voice had that melodic spring to it that cheered my soul, " I couldn't stand that school anymore. I've enrolled in another one...out of town."

"Oh," I kept saying then added, "That should be good. A change of scenery might help."

She nodded quickly in agreement. I took note that the young teen I had hired 4 years ago was growing up. She had gone through hurdles in her life that showed in her eyes but not in a bad, wearing sort of way. There was a resolve and determination in her face that, combined with her happy and energetic nature, made for a young woman who was maturing and growing very attractively.

But I always saw her as that young teen on her first day at work.

Her visit was brief. She didn't want to stay to say hello to anyone else even though I asked.

"Just wanted to tell you and go," she said.

We hugged again. This time I held her just as closely. I felt her body press up against mine. It felt good. She was so warm. My eyes rolled around the library, trying to see if anyone was looking.

Then Amelia left the library for the last time.

Our infrequent emails continued. She was enjoying her new school much more and was having a good time at the dorms. That didn't surprise me. In one of her last emails, she mentioned that she had started to see someone, another student. Upon reading this, I couldn't help but frown. I had this image of a man being hugged by a small young woman with a sunshine smile, being revitalized by her energy and warmth. I crossed my arms and shook my head, smirking at myself.

"Don't be stupid, Patrick," I said to myself, playing with my collar, "This is good. This is good."

The emails stopped.

**********

It had been 4 days since we met at the railings above the square. It was Christmas Eve. Amelia would be leaving for Australia in 3 days. It was crazy busy at the library in the days leading up to the Christmas holiday closures. I had barely enough time to stop and breath let alone tackle the pile of work on my desk. But I'd be lying if I didn't afford myself time to think of Amelia. I'd have a line up of patrons at the desk waiting for service and I'd be lost in thought of the girl with the deep brown eyes and perpetual smile. She put a smile on my face...and a knot in my stomach.

I looked around the department. I saw images of this sweet young girl working amongst the shelves. She would laugh and joke and move with a youthful exuberance that I admired. And whenever she came over to me, she was first and foremost in my mind. She was a person of pure innocent energy that I wanted to protect and guide.

She was pretty and attractive. That was as far as I allowed myself to think of her though even though deep down in my gut, in a dark place I never wanted to explore, I wanted her to stay close to me.

And now she was going to be pretty much gone from my life in 3 days. She had to tell me. And she wanted to know why we never went out. She had to ask. Each thought bounced off one another now and made my head hurt.

Then she had just left me there and I wasn't sure if that was actually the end of it.

I went home after work carrying heavy loads in my bags, still agonizing over my thoughts about Amelia. I pushed my shoulder against the door to the lobby and nearly tumbled over as it was held open for me.

"Whup!" I yelped and tripped on my feet.

"Oh! Hey there, Mr.Santos! Careful," the concierge said, "Sorry. I was trying to hold the door open for you."

Composing myself, I smiled half-heartedly, "That's okay, Selby. Not your fault. I don't seem to be paying attention to anything."

The tall, earnest-looking man helped me with my bags to the lobby desk. "You have a package here."

He handed me something that seemed like a book wrapped in plain brown paper. Taking it from him, I examined it, turning it over. Written on one side was, "Patrick Santos".