American Lavender

"I'm happy to talk about it if you want to, Renee. You were my best friend, after all."

"Were?"

"Claxton was a long time ago."

Renee dabbled at her eyes with a linen napkin. "You're right, of course. Well, I can't greet the staff when I've been crying, but...Tom, would you mind having lunch with me? There's a pub in town that's just like that place behind the languages building we used to love."

"My treat, I insist." Julia would understand, I reasoned.

Sure enough, she did. "Your friend needs you, Tom," she said when I got word to her later that morning. "Guess you'll just have to wait to get another look at me in my suit, huh?"

"My loss," I chuckled. "Thanks for understanding."

"Just remember who saved you from Penny, all right?" She looked like she was trying a bit too hard to be friendly as she said it.

"Hey, I told you Renee and I were old friends. That's it."

"I believe you," Julia said. "I'm not so sure about her."

I didn't take that comment too seriously. I knew all too well how terrifying the first days of being in love can be, when it all feels too good to be true. After all, I was very much at that stage with Julia as well. But I knew Renee, and I was quite sure she just wanted a friend to lean on.

That being the case, I probably shouldn't have said what I said as soon as we were in her car together on the way to the pub. But I just couldn't help myself. "I've got to say, Renee, I really like the way you dress now. Quite a change from Claxton!"

"Thank you!" she said, flashing me a smile from the driver's seat. "I feel like an impostor half the time and an old lady the other half, but it fits the brand."

"It's funny how our clothes send a message in the workplace, isn't it?" I asked. "Especially women, I guess."

"Oh God, Tom, don't tell me you still haven't gotten that women's studies junk out of your system!"

"Actually, I'm thinking of going back for my master's in it," I said. "Now that I don't have to worry about using my next degree, you know."

Renee laughed. She tried not to make it sound like an unkind one, but she didn't quite succeed. "Hate to sound to much like Steve, but that's what I miss all right."

"Better that than missing nonexistent bitterness."

"Oh, I really hope you never took that to heart, Tom! That's just Steve's way of...well, I don't know what it is, really, but anyone who really knows you knows you're not bitter."

"I'm not so sure," I admitted. "Sometimes I think I've just gotten better at hiding it."

"You have, that's true," she said. "I've been seeing that in all our conference calls, you're a lot more confident than you used to be."

"Thanks!" That meant a lot, for Renee had certainly seen me at my worst.

Renee knew the greeter at the pub. "Hi, Sally," she said as we stepped inside.

"Renee! Lovely to see you! The usual table?"

"No thank you," Renee said. "Got a quiet booth today?"

Sally looked at me and couldn't suppress a grin. "One just opened up," she said. "Give me a second to make sure it's been cleaned up."

"The usual table is that one just over my shoulder with the Asian couple, see?" Renee said to me while Sally was off checking on the booth.

"Right in the middle of all the action," I said.

"Exactly. It's better that way when I'm with Steve, so we have a reason not to fight too loudly."

"I'm so sorry, Renee."

"Don't be. You're the one who got me to where I could kick him to the curb!"

Soon we were settled at the freshly cleaned booth in the corner. "Well, this is cozy," I said. "I love it."

"Become a romantic in your old age, have you?" Renee asked.

"I always was! Don't you remember the other guys would never send me on a video run alone because I'd rent something sappy?"

"Hmm, no," Renee said. "I remember Steve always choosing the cheesiest blockbuster every time, and then of course he and I usually snuck off before the movie was over. I hope no one noticed."

"We did," I said. "But we all kind of expected it."

"Fair enough," Renee admitted. "Anyway, Tom, I never had you pegged as the romantic type. Maybe that's just as well, since I did think Steve was and look how wrong I was."

"You thought Steve was a romantic?! Why?"

"Oh, you know, little things he said now and then. Like, I don't know, well, remember that time we went out for pizza in town and it was snowing? On the way back he stopped right in the middle of 4th and High Street -- remember how it hadn't been plowed yet and there were no cars anywhere -- and he said how he just wanted to curl up by a fireplace and snuggle with someone. How cute, you know?"

"That was me, Renee."

"It was?"

I kept my irritation under wraps -- what good would that do now? "Yes, I was the one who said that, and Steve told me to grow a dick already."

Renee burst out laughing, then stopped just as quickly when she saw I wasn't amused. "I'm sorry, Tom. Yeah, that was rude of him. But it's funny, I was sure he was the one who'd said it! All these years, that was one of the things I reached back to when I was tempted to give up on Steve. I guess that's another reason why I should've walked away long ago." An awkward pause went by, and she continued, "Mind if I ask you, Tom, when did you first think. I ought to ditch him? Don't worry about hurting me, just be honest here."

"That's easy," I said. "In fact, I was just thinking about it last night." No need to tell her I had actually told Julia all about it. "That time at the library."

"What time at the library?"

"Senior year, when you'd broken up with him." I was sure that would jog her memory.

To my dismay, it didn't. "Our senior year? I broke up with him then? Strange, I don't remember that. So what did we do at the library?"

"Had one of the most soul-baring conversations we ever had, and went back to your room, and..." I couldn't remind her of her crying and my holding her if she couldn't remember it on her own. I just couldn't do it.

"Hmm, I wish I could remember!" She did look contrite, but that didn't help. "Well, I'm sure you were wonderful, whatever we said that night."

I focused on my glass of ice water rather than bother trying to respond to that.

"Anyway," Renee declared, "Enough of all that. Today is the day I'm back to being me on my own. And I'm curious about you, Tom. Are you going to move back over here? Maybe head up the company in New York?"

"Awfully early to say," I said. "Right now I just want to see how things go with the meetings while I'm here. I will say you get tired of Singapore, so button-down and so hot and humid all the time."

"And you can't chew gum!"

"I have never once missed that," I said. "That just means you won't step in it on the sidewalk."

"Always the optimist!" Renee said. "See, that's what I missed about you, not the imaginary bitterness."

"Thank you." I smiled and resolved to let bygones be bygones with the hurtful revelation of what she'd forgotten.

"So..." She gave me the same flirtatious smile and tilted head she always used to use with Steve. "What did you miss about me?"

"All the talking," I said.

"All the talking?"

"The way we used to be able to talk for hours about anything. Anything except Steve, of course. Freshman year, when everyone else was off drinking, the way we used to bond in the hallway outside your room...some of my favorite memories there."

"Mmm, yeah, that was nice," Renee said, though I had to wonder did she remember it at all. But I didn't pry. "Tell me, and again please be honest here, nothing to lose now, Tom, did you ever imagine us ending up together?"

"Not really," I lied.

"No?"

"Well, you were in love with Steve from so early on. And even then, we were friends for a year. I guess I figured if it were ever going to happen, it would've happened then."

"Oh my God, Tom, don't tell me you believe in the friend-zone!"

"I didn't say that."

"Okay, I guess you didn't. I just want you to know, if you'd like to explore anything while you're here..."

"We'll see if Penny leaves me alone," I said with a grin, hoping that would scare her off.

"Oh, don't tell me you heard about that!"

"I didn't just hear about it, Renee."

"Wait, are you saying it's true? She visited you? Come on, Dave!"

I smiled and nodded, but said nothing.

"She's real?"

"Yes, but it's okay, I'm a big boy and I can handle her. And I know you don't have any other vacancies right now."

"Who told you that?" Renee looked flummoxed. "There are two or three other rooms free this week!"

"Oh? Guess I misheard."

"Misheard from who?" she asked. I was still debating how to answer or even if to answer, when she settled on an answer of her own. "Steve. That bastard. He lied to you, Tom. I'm sorry."

Then Julia lied about the vacancies, I realized, just to get me into her bed. I wasn't exactly happy about that, but I could hardly complain about the upshot of it. I almost admired her ingenuity, really. And I opted to let Renee believe Steve was to blame, because just then I didn't feel like sharing much of anything with her. I also declined her offer to move to a different room, though I couldn't bring myself to tell her where I expected to be spending the night instead.

I did finally get together with Julia on the beach after she was done with work that afternoon. I decided not to confront her with her trickery about the vacancies for the time being, because I was too happy with the results of it all. "I'm so sorry I had to cancel on lunchtime," I said as I admired her pulling her long t-shirt off to reveal a lime-green bikini. "Believe me, I'd much rather have been here."

"Hey, your old friend needed you," she said, striking a playful pose for me.

"You don't know how right you are," I said, standing up to take her hand.

"What do you mean?" she asked as we strolled into the surf.

"She...well, she didn't actually ask me out or anything, but she hinted at it."

"Oh my God!" Julia pulled her hand out of mine and stood still in the ankle-deep water. "If she finds out about us..."

"She's an honest woman, Julia, she wouldn't punish you for that."

"Easy for you to say. She's not your boss! Tom, I want to make love to you again, but we can't use my room. I can't risk her finding out you're there."

"Then I guess there's only one room we can use." I gave her a meaningful look, inviting her to come clean about lying about the other available rooms.

She didn't, although she did cross her arms over her breasts as if feeling quite shy all of a sudden. "Aren't you scared of Penny?"

"A little," I said. "But I woke up before she could hurt me last time. Surely that'll happen this time, too."

"It does sound like kind of a kick, inviting that sort of danger," Julia admitted, her smile having returned. As her resolve melted and she put her arms around me, she added, "I am kind of curious about what Penny looks like. Especially now that I know what you like!"

I laughed but felt compelled to reassure her, "Don't worry about having any competition from a ghost who thinks I'm someone else, okay?"

She joined in on the laugh and agreed, and we fondled one another under the water for a while as the sun began to set.

We did have the presence of mind to return to the house separately, so that Renee wouldn't spot us together, and I had the pleasure of pretending to greet her for the first time all day at the VIP table at dinner. "Good to see you again, Julia," I said in what I hoped was an innocent tone.

"You too, Tom," she said. "Renee, I know it's none of my business, but congratulations."

"Thank you, Julia," Renee said, and she gave me what I couldn't help but interpret as a longing look. As we all sat down, she went on. "It looks like I owe you an apology as well, Julia. Tom tells me this ghost of yours in the Lavender Room is real."

"I didn't use to believe it either," Julia said. "But every kid in town grew up hearing all about her. Some of the boys even talked about spending their eighteenth birthday night in that room, back when the place was abandoned."

"Good heavens!" Renee said. "I wonder how many actually did it, though?"

"I knew a lot who said they did, but none of them ever had any proof of it," Julia said. "So, you know, probably none."

"I wouldn't be so sure about that," Renee said. "Don't underestimate how badly some guys that age want to get laid!" We all laughed, but she had to say, "Sorry, Tom," anyway.

"Hey, you knew me when I was eighteen," I said.

"Yes, and Julia, he was nothing like that! Tom here was always a gentleman." She rubbed my knee under the table, and I could only hope Julia took no notice. "Too much of one, sometimes, I'd say."

"Not the type who'd sleep with a ghost, then," Julia deadpanned.

"Well, Tom, you did seem to have an eye for the old-fashioned back then," Renee said. "Never lusting after the girls on the swim team or anything. But I do suppose you wanted your proper lady alive."

"Proper lady?" I asked, genuinely mystified as to what she was suggesting.

"Oh, I noticed long ago, the women who caught your eye were always the dressed-up ones, like..."

"Like you dress up now?" I couldn't resist.

"Well, exactly!" Renee said. "Sorry if you never realized I'd noticed."

"Can't complain," I said. "I confess, I arrived on campus imagining long, deep conversations on the steps of the library with a gal in a plaid skirt, the whole nine yards."

Julia laughed, until she noticed Renee was not laughing. I didn't blame either of them for their reactions, of course. Renee knew I wasn't joking, Julia would learn soon enough.

"Anyway," Renee went on. "If Penny is real, what can we do about her?"

"Who we gonna call?" I quipped.

"Have you discovered how much Tom loves bad jokes?" Renee said to Julia, and this time they both laughed.

It was right around then that the head chef appeared over Renee's shoulder with a question about the dessert menu. Whatever it was, it required Renee's attention in the kitchen, and Julia and I were left to our own devices.

"She knows," Julia said. "I just know it."

"No," I said. "She'd tell you if she did. I know her."

"So I noticed, with the plaid skirt thing," Julia needled. "I'll warn you right now, Tom, I've never worn one in my life and I don't plan to change that."

"I'll live!" I assured her.

"Poor choice of words."

"Indeed." But I could see in her eyes she was more intrigued than terrified about the chance of Penny returning that evening. So, if the truth be told, was I.

I retired alone to the Lavender Room after dinner, both of us knowing better than to arouse any suspicion. It felt like I'd been gone much longer than I had, or maybe it just felt strange to be alone after a day of not one but two women lusting after me. I'd run into that before since my ship had come in, of course, but it was still a bizarre feeling for the quiet and shy guy I'd always been. Normally it was at least an enjoyable conundrum, but I hated knowing I'd let Renee down after all we'd been through together. But hadn't her husband only just moved out?

The reminder of that, of course, couldn't help but fill me with delight! As I bided my time until Julia could get upstairs undetected, I opened the window and enjoyed the sound and smell of the ocean, and wondered if Penny was out there.

Was it worth trying to reason with her?

I stood up and turned back toward the room, with the window still open. "Penny, are you there?" I asked in a voice just above a whisper.

Nothing.

"If you are, I just want you to know, I mean no harm. None of us do. But I'm not Peter, and he's not coming back. At least not back here. Say, if you're out there, doesn't that mean he probably is too? Why not go looking for him? I'd help you find him if I could, but I know nothing about the man. Or the ghost. Or is it still the man? Sorry, I don't know."

Silence again. I thought I smelled a whiff of lavender, and I swallowed my fear and opened my mouth to say...something, but I wasn't sure what. I didn't get the chance to say it anyway, for at that moment I heard Julia's welcome knock at the door.

"You got here just in time," I said, ushering her in. "I think she's here."

"Who, Penny?" Julia looked nervously over her shoulder as she stepped inside, but the hallway was empty.

I sniffed. Definitely an odor of lavender. "You smell that?" I asked.

She did, I could tell from the look in her eyes. "Has she said anything to you yet?"

"No," I said. "I did try speaking to her just now, but I'm not sure if she heard or not.

Julia noticed the open window. "That wasn't very smart, was it?" But she walked over to take in the view just as I had a few minutes before.

"She can get in without me opening it," I said. "She did last time."

Julia laughed and turned around to face me. "I just got an idea. Maybe she'll leave you alone if I get to you first?"

"Then you'd just have to be all over me all night long," I replied, also laughing. "I think I like that idea just fine."

"You think?!" Julia tore her blouse off and tossed it beside the bed. "Is that a challenge?"

"A pretty good one, if you ask me!"

We met at the foot of the bed and embraced, and I rubbed her bare back and teased around her bra clasp, but didn't undo it just yet, while we kissed. I felt her pulling my shirt out of my pants, and pulled back to let her unbutton it, stroking her still-confined breasts as she did.

A knock at the door brought everything to a screeching halt. Julia and I exchanged startled looks, and she withdrew to the bathroom without a sound. As soon as she was hidden, I answered the door.

It was Renee. "Tom, sorry, did I catch you at a bad time?" she asked, noting my half-unbuttoned shirt.

"No! No, I was just going to take a bath is all."

"Oh, that does sound nice," she said. "Listen, can I come in?"

Hoping against hope that she didn't have to pee, I stepped aside and ushered her in.

"Two things," she said, stepping into the room. "First, if this Penny comes back and does any real damage, I just want you to know you're free to call me at any time, all right? I can arrange another room if it comes to that."

"Thanks," I said. "If it's anything like last time, well ,I'll be frightened but I'll be okay. I will let you know if not."

"Good." She'd meandered far enough into the room for Julia's blouse to be in plain sight on the floor, but she showed no sign of having noticed it. "I'll sleep better knowing you feel safe about calling for help if you need it, Tom. Secondly...This one is harder, I'm afraid."

"Bad news?"

"No! It's just...Tom, I'm sorry if I didn't handle myself better at lunch today, all right. I'm finally rid of Steve, you and I have been friends forever, and I just thought it's worth testing the waters. But it's crazy for me to think about dating again already, I've had all afternoon to think about that."

"Hey, it's none of my business, and I was flattered," I said. "Forget about it."

"I'm not sure if I can, Tom, not that easily." She reached over and touched my cheek lightly, and I let her do it. "But thanks for being so understanding, okay? And if you are interested sometime down the road?"

"Of course, Renee," I said. "Can I give you a hug?"

"Please do!" As we embraced, she said, "I guess I should've dressed more like a librarian back at Claxton, huh?"

"Never mind what might have been!" I said. "If there's one thing this room has taught me, it's not to let your regrets eat at you."

"Well said," Renee agreed, pulling back. She gave me a sad smile. "Good night, Tom."

"Good night."

Julia surely heard her leaving, but she waited nearly a minute before coming out of her hiding place. "You handled that really well," she said. "But I don't even want to think about what she'd say if she knew about us."