Amy Crashes a Wedding

Janet walked as gracefully as she could to the full-length mirror and, when she saw herself, began glowing from head to toe.

Janet Brown, soon to be Janet Brown-Sherman, looked exactly as she had always imagined. She wore a brilliantly white couture wedding dress designed by Pnina Tornai, strapless, perfectly tailored and cinched at the waste, dozens of layers of ruffles cascading down her thighs and forming a three-foot train, and a jaunty asymmetrical bow adorning her decolletage. The dress had cost fifteen thousand dollars at Kleinfeld's, but it had been worth the money to look so beautiful on her wedding day. She tried not to think about her money problems and focused instead on how amazing she looked. Her light brown hair fell in loose waves around her shoulders, her expertly-applied makeup perfectly drew out the color of her deep green eyes. Her veil rested lightly around the top of her head like a halo, the lace pushed back over the top of her head so that she could get a good look at herself before the big moment arrived and it was time to start the ceremony. Janet took a deep breath. Today would be her special day, and nothing could get in the way of it.

Three sharp knocks at the door. That would probably be Jessica, her Maid of Honor, checking on her to make sure everything was alright.

"Come on in!" She turned around with a smile, a smile that collapsed into a grimace when she saw who was coming through the door.

She had been right that Jessica was at the door. Jessica looked annoyed, and with good reason. Amy Brown, Janet's cousin, pushed briskly past Jessica and strode confidently into the room.

"I tried to stop her, Janet, but she said she absolutely had to talk to you about some family business that couldn't wait."

"It's alright," said Amy, "She's family. Just leave us alone for a few minutes."

Jessica frowned, then gingerly shut the door. Amy spun around and checked to make sure the door was closed. Then, as she turned back to Janet, she surreptitiously locked it.

Janet put on her best smiling bride face to receive her unexpected guest. "Amy! What a surprise! I thought you couldn't make it!" Left unstated was that the reason Janet thought Amy couldn't make it was that Janet had pointedly not invited Amy. Janet and Amy had never gotten along growing up. Amy thought she was smarter and better than Janet and Janet could never shake the feeling that Amy was always judging her for every choice she made. Even now Amy seemed to have on her judgiest face, looking her up and down and drinking in every detail of her dress with a look of condescension. Only Amy could make you feel like your fifteen-thousand-dollar wedding dress was a burlap sack with only a raised eyebrow.

Amy smiled insincerely. "Well, I had some business to take care of in the neighborhood and thought to myself, 'when it's so close and it's your dear cousin's special day, how could you do anything but stop in and wish her well,' so here I am."

"That's great, that's great. Thank you so much for coming." Janet began moving toward the door so that she could not-so-subtly gesture Amy out of it. "Well, I've still got a lot of preparation to do, but it was so nice to see you..."

Amy continued as though she hadn't heard a word Janet had said. "That's a lovely dress. Who is it by?"

Janet couldn't resist. "It's a Pnina Tornai. Fifteen thousand dollars. I spent the whole day at Kleinfeld's picking it out, but I think it's just perfect. I know it's expensive, but when I saw it I fell in love. And I convinced dad to up the wedding budget just a bit more, so here we are..." Janet smiled and did a turn, inwardly gloating. She knew the one thing that she did that got a rise out of Amy was talking about her daddy's money. Her dad was much wealthier than her uncle, Amy's father, and Amy always seemed to resent her wealth. Since college, though, Janet had struck out on her own. This wedding was the first money she'd gotten from her father in years. Truth be told, Janet was considering asking her dad for a little more. She'd been over her head financially for just over a year now and her groom wasn't in that much better shape. Just a loan of a few thousand dollars would keep the bill collectors at bay while she figured out how to make her finances work. But, again, she shoved money thoughts out of her mind to focus on the day. And on getting rid of Amy.

Amy had almost the hint of a smirk. "Yes, about the wedding. It's a fantastic venue. And I hear the reception's at a country club out in Westchester. That must have been expensive."

"It was. I... hope you're not planning on coming to the reception. I didn't receive your RSVP-" ("Because I didn't send you one," Janet thought to herself,) "-and the guest list is very full, so I don't think we can accommodate you." Janet put on her best approximation of an apologetic look. It was hard to muster up much sympathy for her cousin, though.

"Mmmm, yes, well, I wouldn't dream of going. I've got work to attend to downtown, I'm quite busy and just stopped in here on the way."

"Ah, so you're busy, and I'm busy, perhaps we should finish this up, then," Janet was one step away from dropping the gracious hostess routine and physically booting Amy out the door, to the extent her dress would allow such movement.

"What would you say this whole wedding cost?" Amy was clearly not taking the hint.

Janet sighed, exasperated. "I don't know. My dad's paying for it. Probably... a hundred thousand dollars, give or take."

"Mmmm, excellent. Janet, this may surprise you, but I didn't come to exchange empty pleasantries." Janet was not surprised. "You see, Janet, as I'm sure you're aware, you owe some money to the IRS. These things do come back to bite you in the ass," Amy smirked, "and the IRS doesn't give up on money easily."

Janet had a bad feeling about the direction the conversation was heading. "Are you threatening me?"

Amy gave an empty laugh. "Oh, Janet. I don't need to threaten you. One of the great things about working for the government is that I can just take things without the need to threaten. Things like, for example, this church."

"What do you mean this church?"

"I've got a Revenue Agent in this church's business office right now, serving a levy on the church for cash money owed to the IRS, which you improvidently spent to rent out this venue. The law protects anyone from legal actions that may arise from honoring an IRS levy, so I'm sure that the church will turn over the money you gave them post haste. I can't imagine the church will be excited to be hosting a wedding for a deadbeat."

"You...you... you took my wedding venue??"

"Yes, so if you want to get married here, it had better be a quick ceremony, before the church finishes turning over our money."

Janet was stunned. She took a few steps backward and sat on the edge of a table. Unfortunately, she sat right on a small sewing pin her tailor had left there following some last-minute dress adjustments.

"YEEEP!" Janet shot up and grabbed the offending pin out of her buttocks.

Amy ignored Janet's little pratfall and continued with what was obviously a monologue she had prepared. "I wouldn't hold out much hope for the reception, though. I've got someone from the Westchester branch up there serving a similar levy on the country club. I don't imagine you'll be able to get up there and hold a reception before the reservation's canceled. I would also imagine that your caterer will be none too pleased with the food spoilage that's sure to occur. Unfortunately, it just isn't profitable for us to seize prepared food. You might want to call him and arrange for it to be delivered to your house. On the bright side, with five hundred chicken dinners you can save money by not eating out for a while." Amy flashed a triumphant smirk at Janet.

"But... But..."

"But don't worry, I've already arranged to seize the liquor you bought for the bar."

This was too much. "YOU'RE TAKING THE LIQUOR!?" Janet exploded, "WHAT ON EARTH DO YOU NEED WITH MY LIQUOR?!"

"Liquor is a highly valuable, compact, non-perishable food item. We can get good value for it. Granted, the IRS isn't in the business of selling booze, but we can always return it to the distributor for a refund. Though, given the size of this haul, I wouldn't be surprised if a few bottles found their way to the victory party I'm sure my colleagues will be throwing me back at the office. Oh, and don't worry; whatever money we obtain from the unopened bottles will be applied against your income tax liabilities, minus shipping costs."

Janet was dazed. She couldn't believe this was happening. Her perfect day, which had seemed so close not ten minutes before, was slipping away.

Amy started walking slowly toward Janet.

"There is one other matter. It's the reason I came here." Amy opened her briefcase and pulled out a sheaf of papers. With a snap, she held them a few inches from Janet's face. Janet took the papers, her hands trembling as she read.

"'Form 668-B, Levy... amounts shown above are now due, owing, and unpaid to the United States from the above taxpayer... Chapter 64 of the Internal Revenue Code...'"

"Allow me to translate. It's a Notice of Levy. It says that we're seizing any property or rights to property you may have in your possession to fulfill your tax debt."

"But I'm not..." Janet looked at Amy, not understanding. Amy was looking significantly down at Janet's dress, with a knowing smile on her face. She almost looked like she was licking her lips... Realization dawned. "No. No!"

"I'm afraid so. As of right now, your wedding dress is property of the United States government. I'll ask you kindly to remove it, immediately. And try not to tear anything, it isn't yours anymore."

"No! NOOOOO!" Janet bowed her head down, clutched it with her hands, and screamed. "I don't know why you're doing this, but I will not let you take my wedding away from me!"

Janet dashed for the door, but found it had been locked. The seconds she took to unlock it allowed Amy to close the distance between them and grasp the back of the dress, then apply gentle downward pressure. With a light rip, the fashion tape that held the dress in place around Janet's bust came undone and the dress slumped down to just below her breasts. Janet's elaborate white lace corset was now visible, barely covering the nipples on her breasts.

Janet got the door undone and dashed out. She flew past a pair of stern-looking middle-aged women in ill-fitting dark suits. The women looked surprised. Amy came shortly after.

"Don't let her get away. It shouldn't be too hard; she's wearing heels and a wedding dress with a long train," Amy said calmly. The two women nodded. Then, as Amy took the lead, they glanced at each other and rolled their eyes. The two were experienced Revenue Agents. The one on Amy's right, Agent Blake, had twenty years of experience to Amy's barely five months. Agent Blake was technically in charge of the operation, with Amy there in an advisory capacity if they needed on-the-spot legal advice. But Amy had a way of taking charge of these operations whenever she got involved. Ideally, Amy would have reasoned with the bride and convinced her that there was nothing she could do to stop this. The bride would have calmly, quietly, and privately changed back into the clothes she had come here in and surrendered the dress. But Amy seemed to have a real talent for getting people's backs up.

Janet was in a panic. The only thing she could think about was trying to salvage her wedding and restore her perfect day. She ran for the church hall. She would have her wedding right now. There was no way they would stop the ceremony once it was under way. Her hands gripped her skirt, holding it up so she wouldn't trip on the now-sagging dress. Janet ran up a flight of stairs, around a corner, and found herself, red-faced and panting, at the back of the church. Music was playing, and five hundred of her friends and family, as well as those of her future husband, turned to look at her. Most looked confused; the flower girls were still making their ways down the aisle. Why was the bride here already? Had she missed her cue? And why was her dress around her waist?

"Sorry *huff* everyone *huff* we're going to have *puff* an abbreviated ceremony..."

Janet heard steady footsteps behind her and started running down the aisle. She looked back over her shoulders to see how far away Amy and her goon squad were. This was a mistake. Her heel slipped on the flowers that had been so recently spread on the ground, causing her to slide a bit. She looked down and saw one of the flower girls, her little niece Jenny, starring up at her with saucer eyes.

"Jenny! Move!" Janet scrambled to maneuver around Jenny and shoved the flower girl out of the way with her right hand. She had to let go of her dress to do that, which caused the excess material she had gathered up to fall down under her feet. She stepped on the skirt, yanking it down so that the top was around her thighs. No longer able to stay upright, she fell forward, landed on her breasts, and skidded down the aisle and out of her dress. She slid to a stop right in front of the alter.

Janet lay flat on her stomach. She was wearing an elaborate lace corset with garter straps at the bottom. The front straps had come undone, the back remained attached to a pair of sheer white stockings. She had lost her white high heels in the slide. Beneath, she wore a shimmering white silk G-string with lace trim at the top. Her butt cheeks jiggled in the aftermath of her trip down the aisle. The slide had popped her breasts out of her corset.

Amy strode down the aisle, wearing a confident smile. She carefully made her way through the flowers, wanting to avoid her cousin's fate, and gently picked up the dress. She held it in front of her, giving it a quick inspection to see if there were any smudges or tears. Satisfied, she folded it over her left arm and walked the rest of the way to Janet. Janet had maneuvered into a sitting position, tears starting to well up in her eyes.

"Now, now, please calm down." Amy squatted down next to Janet. "Just remember: You're the one who wanted to run out here. We could have done this back in the dressing room."

"*Sniff* Wh-why? Why would you do this to me?"

"Come now, it's nothing personal. It's just my job. Your name came up and I handled your case to the best of my ability. Now, arms up."

"H-h-huh?"

Amy leaned forward and, with a two quick snaps of her fingers, undid the front clasps on Amy's stockings. "That corset. It's quite expensive isn't it."

"Y-y-y-yeah..."

"Well, then, we'll be seizing that, too. Only worn once, hopefully not too sweaty." Amy shifted to glance at Janet's backside. "I doubt anyone will want the butt floss, though. You can keep that."

"Y-y-you c-can't take my c-c-corset!"

"NO!" Janet lunged forward, but was brought to a sudden halt by two pairs of arms. The two Revenue Agents now flanked Amy and had seized Janet's arms. Janet looked back and forth between the two women, scared and helpless.

"Flip her over." Amy ordered. The two Agents exchanged nervous glances. This had gotten out of hand, but if push came to shove at least they were following orders. Between the two, they were about 90% sure that the bride would be filing a complaint. But they were 100% sure that Amy would do everything in her power to get them fired if they didn't comply with her demands. The grabbed Janet's chest and back and, as gently as possible, flipped her over.

Amy straddled Janet, her stiletto heels resting lightly against the cheeks of the stripped bride's ass. "Now, arch your back so I can get at the laces."

Janet replied by struggling to pull herself forward with her arms and squeeze forward. Amy replied by raising a foot and plunging a heel into Janet's butt cheek.

"AAAGH!" Janet reflexively arched her back, and Amy grabbed the laces on Janet's corset.

"Now, don't worry, I'm not getting any enjoyment out of this." Amy paused and thought for a moment. "Not getting any sexual enjoyment at least. I can't say I haven't looked forward to this day, though. Probably as much as you did."

Amy made quick work of the lacing, then whipped the corset from Janet's torso, exposing a small black-and-blue butterfly tattoo on the bride's lower back. Amy held the lingerie up to inspect. Satisfied, she stood up and began to walk away. Janet turned sideways, leaning on her elbow. Half-way down the aisle, Amy turned around. "Oh, and Janet?"

Janet slowly looked upward, hatred in her eyes.

"Congratulations! And have a wonderful day!" Amy flashed a smile, then strode triumphantly from the church, followed closely by the pair of Revenue Agents. The crowd just stared in shocked silence as Janet sat on the floor, clad only in sagging stockings and a silky string thong.

***

After handing the dress and corset over to Agent Blake and congratulating the two Agents on a job well done, Amy made her way down to the subway, a jaunty spring in her step. She had been in a funk ever since she had been caught... enjoying herself by Liz. The threat of blackmail kept her from taking direct action against her rival, but today she had managed to simultaneously humiliate her cousin and demonstrate, objectively, to her manager that she was a better attorney than Liz.

Janet had been Liz's case, but Liz was just too much of a softy to really take the bull by the balls and seize Janet's assets. Liz agonized over her collections cases. She was always looking to wheedle the money out of her cases, as though she might, through the power of her moral suasion, convince the taxpayers to pay up out of the goodness of their collective hearts.

Amy knew better. In deficiency cases, where taxpayers fought over how much they owed, you could always make a plausible case that the taxpayer was totally right, the IRS was completely mistaken, and the taxpayer was innocent. Not so in collection cases. The taxpayer owed money. That was an objective fact. But, for whatever reason, the taxpayer wouldn't pay up. These taxpayers were scum and, in Amy's opinion, no collection method was too extreme. Besides, she assured herself, it was ultimately kinder to take care of it all at once rather than drag the process out over a decade.

Liz had been dragging her feet on this collection case, which was annoying Liz's manager. Amy had taken the opportunity to suggest that the case be transferred to her. When Liz hadn't moved forward with collection a week later, their manager agreed. Now Amy had put a bow on this case and embarrassed Liz professionally. Which, Amy mused, was a poor second best to the sort of humiliation she really wanted to inflict on Liz.

The subway train pulled into the station and Amy hopped on. She didn't have a rich daddy like Janet, so she couldn't afford to commute by cab to work every day. Amy smiled, looking back on the morning's events. It had given her such satisfaction to rip the corset off of that rich little princess's sobbing chest. She'd always hated Janet. The two cousins were the same age and had been made to play together a lot as children. Janet was smart enough, though obviously not as smart as Amy, but her priorities were always social, never intellectual or professional. Like this wedding. If Amy had wanted to snag a man, she could have done so long ago. But male company wasn't on her list of priorities now, or frankly ever, whereas it had always been at the forefront of Liz's mind. Maybe if Liz hadn't been on such a tear to have this wedding of hers, she might have found the money to pay her past-due taxes and she wouldn't have gotten into this mess.

***

Amy found a seat and thought back to that summer, long ago, when she had gone to camp with Janet at Camp Wannachoclut. Both of them were 12, Amy a bookish little nerd, Janet the social butterfly. Amy's chest had recently started swelling with the onset of puberty, prompting her to wear shirts about five sizes to large. Janet, on the other hand, had rushed out to buy an entire new form-flattering outfit. At Camp, Janet flaunted her chest and won a doting entourage of preteen boys, little hormone sacks that wanted nothing but to get their hands on breasts, but had no idea what they'd do once they got them. Those boys included Tim Sherman, a skinny kid with long-floppy hair and soft features that Amy developed a secret crush on.