An Emotional Affair

I just couldn't get her to see my side of the equation. He was now calling her at all hours and she would jump up and run to him. We might be having supper with her dad and the phone would ring. Suddenly Melissa would be out the door and off to Jimmy's. Once we were having a nice evening out with good friends and I had to beg a ride home as Melissa had to go and help Jimmy get into bed.

It kept getting worse. He would call at midnight and say he wasn't able to go to sleep. She would go and sit beside his bed until he fell asleep. At least that was what she was telling me. Some nights she didn't come home at all. She said she would fall asleep on his couch.

I had to get up at six to get to my job at the factory and she might be just coming in or worse yet, not call or tell me that she was staying and getting Jimmy up for the day and making him breakfast.

Since he had little money Melissa was buying him groceries. I guess actually I was buying his food since she no longer had a job. I don't make much anyhow and now I was feeding this jerk-off.

I wrote this for the doctor after explaining all this. "Doc, I didn't know how to tell Melissa how I felt. She always told me that I was being childish and selfish if I didn't allow her to continue her relationship with Jimmy."

I cleaned the board and asked a question. "Is it childish to expect a wife to be home at regular hours and to actually talk to her husband? Is it immature to expect a wife to attend family functions and not run out anytime a non-family member asks for help?"

Of course he didn't answer those questions. He just wanted to know why I tried to kill myself. As it was still not clear to me that I even did try to hurt myself, I could not answer. Soon his time was up and I was left with the nurse who was going to pull my catheter.

That is something I never want to have done to me again. It hurt while it was in and it hurt when it was pulled out. I had to breathe hard and fast to keep from yelling. After she got it out she patted my forehead where the sweat had popped out and told me I had done well. I sure didn't feel like I had done well.

About an hour later I was able to pee. That hurt too. I hope the pain starts to go away soon.

Melissa didn't come back but Wendy brought the girls to visit. I had not seen them for months. I suppose I should have refused them access to me since they had accused me of abuse but I know I missed them.

Buffy came right over and hugged me and started to cry. She is now thirteen and starting to look a lot more like her mother. Thankfully she doesn't look like me. She is also very smart, not like me.

Cindy hung back. I guess she was scared that I might yell at her. I motioned her to join her sister and immediately I had two crying daughters laying on me.

"Daddy, we were so scared that we might not ever get to see you again. Why did you do it?"

This came from Cindy. Buffy, as usual, followed her sister's lead and just nodded.

I had to be honest. I just don't know any other way to be. "I don't know, Pumpkin, I really don't. You guys hurt me when you left our home but I was just sad then. I know I didn't want to kill myself."

Somehow I knew that they had blamed themselves for this. They didn't need to confess.

We talked for a while until my voice was almost gone. My throat hurt less but I couldn't talk for long before I was whispering. The speech therapist had told me that with limited use, over time, my voice would recover.

The kids left and I ate some broth. Boy did I want some real food and soon. Jello and broth just weren't enough for me. I might not be a big guy but I do like my food.

Melissa didn't return and just called and told me she was tired and had gone home. It was a little early for me to go to sleep but I didn't like anything on the hospital TV so I just dimmed the lights and tried to sleep.

I must have had some bad dreams again as I woke once when the nurse was shaking me. I couldn't figure out what was bothering me but it must have been serious enough to cause the nurse to come in.

In the morning I got some oatmeal. Still no taste but far more filling than broth and Jello.

Mid-morning I was moved to the mental ward. I know, it has a more fancy name but I can't spell it. I was told that I had to stay there until there was a determination if I was a threat to myself or others. I still continued to have visits from the physical therapist, speech therapist and the occupational therapist. I could dress in regular clothes and walk around the unit if I so desired. There were others, patients that is, there and I could talk to them if I wanted.

I guess my clothes had been cut off me when I was brought in. Melissa had not brought me any clothes so I was given some clothes from their used clothing bin. A tee shirt and some sweat pants were now mine. They let me call Melissa but she didn't answer her cell phone so I left a message about needing clothes and my electric razor.

There were group sessions that I had to attend. My lack of a voice limited my participation and I couldn't write well enough for everyone to see my responses. I didn't really fit in. Most of the other patients were having mental problems that were far more serious than my problems. I didn't say so, though.

After the morning group session I met with the head doctor again. He continued to ask me why I tried to harm myself. I still couldn't answer. He then kept asking me what Melissa and I had talked about at that last supper. I couldn't remember. He told me that something must have happened at that meal as Melissa had told him that I didn't seem depressed or sad before supper. Melissa kept using the fact that my kids had run away and accused me of misconduct as the reason for my attempt at suicide. It just didn't seem right to me.

Finally he started to ask me about Melissa's visits to the hospital. He had noticed that Melissa had left early yesterday and had not come back today at all. I told him, by way of the board, that she had to take care of Jimmy. He asked me how I felt about that.

First I shrugged my shoulders and tried to act as though it didn't bother me. I guess he saw through that and told me he couldn't help me if I lied to him.

Finally I let it out. I didn't care if my voice got damaged. "I hate him. Do you hear me? I hate the bastard. Why didn't he die in that wreck? He calls and she runs off to him. You would think he was as helpless as a baby. I tried to talk with her dad. He agrees with me but she won't listen. I tried to talk with my pastor but he kept telling me to forgive and let things go. I tried to talk to a friend that I think is a good man and smart but he couldn't help as his wife has never done anything like this. I was so frustrated and then I tried to talk with Melissa and she just called me a baby and then she and then she. . ."

I started to cry. I suddenly remembered. I wanted to go out for supper that Friday night, was it only a couple of weeks ago? I intended to give her an ultimatum. I would agree to her going and helping in the middle of the day but no more visiting and staying overnight. He could ask for night help from the agency if that was what he needed. I needed my wife back.

"Doc, it didn't work." The tears were rolling down my face and I had to blow my nose. He leaned it to hear me clearly and put some kind of device on my lap. I suppose it was a recorder of some kind.

"Melissa, the woman I pledged to die for, told me that I was being a baby and needed to grow up. She needed to help him. She had to, and I mean that, HAD to go and help him. She told me that he made her feel complete. Somehow I knew that was going to be her answer."

I blew my nose. "Doc, I had already gone through a horrible divorce. Wendy about killed me. The only thing good from that was getting my daughters to raise. Now they are gone and will barely speak to me. I couldn't handle it. I had prepared a noose in the tree in the back yard. If Melissa wouldn't give that shit head up for me then I was going to end it all. We argued all the way home."

I had to stop and catch my breath. It also gave my throat a little rest. It was tight enough from the crying. "When we got home I told Melissa to go inside and I would come in later. I went around to the back yard. I suppose she was so pissed off that she wasn't going to let it go until I agreed to let her do whatever she so desired that she must have followed me."

I stopped and he waited for me to continue. He didn't even ask a question. I thought and then remembered. "Now, I remember I just hoisted myself up into the noose and stuck my head inside. Melissa, I guess, now figured out what I was doing. She yelled at me to stop and then said, 'You wouldn't dare.' I let myself drop into the noose by letting my hands go. I remember the rope getting tight around my neck and then I must have started to kick as I think I kicked Melissa a couple of times and then it all went black."

I sat there with my head in my hands and cried more than I did when my dad died or when Wendy screwed me over or my kids left me. All three events didn't hurt as bad as what Melissa had done.

The doctor sat there until I was in control again. He asked me if I still wanted to die. I told him no. He asked about Melissa. I told him that I didn't want to see her again. He nodded and got up and left the room. One of the nurses came in and asked if I needed something to help me relax. I told her no.

Now that I finally remembered what I had done and why I was suddenly relieved. At that time I had decided I had no other option. Now I realized that she just wasn't worth the effort. She had moved on to a new relationship. Had she really ever loved me? Maybe not, maybe I was just handy when she needed someone to help raise her son and my girls had fulfilled some motherly need. It was all too deep for me to understand.

The only thing I now understood was that I could survive without her. My girls were willing to have a kind of relationship. Maybe it wouldn't be as close as before but I could always be there for them if they needed me.

Melissa tried to come and see me that evening but the good doctor had left orders for her to not have access to me. I didn't hear it but she must have made some kind of fuss at the nurse's desk as security had to come and escort her out. She left a note for me. In it she told me that she loved me and couldn't understand why suddenly she was not allowed in.

Did she bring me some clothes? Nope. She waited until the next day. I suppose she came to the hospital directly from her other home, Jimmy's apartment, and didn't detour to our abode to grab some clothes for me.

Well, the sweats and tee shirt were comfortable for the time being. They rustled up some other clothes so the first set could be laundered. By the third day I was in the psychiatric ward (Hey, I could actually spell it if I tried hard enough and enough people helped me) Melissa had left some clothes for me. The doctor visited every day but now didn't seem to need to quiz me much. He just asked how I was doing and how I felt about Melissa and Jimmy.

Since I had made a decision on what I was going to do, the whole issue of Melissa and her new love, Jimmy, no longer seemed that important. Well, it wasn't until he suggested counseling for the two of us.

He kind of told me that I didn't really have any choice right at the moment as everything I said or did or threatened to do, or even not do, would be used in my mental health hearing. I guess I just shrugged my shoulders. Whatever I had to do so I could get out of here and get back to work at the factory I was willing to do.

Melissa came to two of the sessions. The first time she was late, which was unusual since she hated to be late for anything. She explained that Jimmy had called while she was on the way to the hospital for the session and she had to swing by his apartment to get him his medications. He claims that he can't open the blister packs with only one hand. Don't know how the amputees do it but it is beyond Jimmy's abilities, I guess.

When I told her that I now remembered why I attempted suicide she at least got a guilty look on her face before looking away. I told her how disappointed I was in the fact that she lied to the police, the doctors, and to me about what had gone on that night. "Melissa, I might have remembered sooner if you had told the truth about why we went out and why we were arguing when we got home. Trying to make me believe that my daughters were the cause of my mental state just made me confused and you know how I hate to be confused."

She just hung her head.

She told the therapist that Jimmy was someone who needed help and it made her happy to help people.
When the therapist asked her why she had to stay overnight with Jimmy and interrupt family events to go to Jimmy, Melissa just kept saying over and over that Jimmy needed her and she was just trying to help him out. It just got to be a constant circle of questions and crap answers. I don't think the therapist bought the whole excuse of Jimmy's needs because I certainly didn't.

I was getting a headache listening to Melissa's excuses so the session was cut short.

The next session Melissa was on time but halfway through her phone chimed and she had to get up and leave as Jimmy needed something. I don't know what but it must have been terribly important to just jump up and run out the door. I can't remember the last time Melissa jumped up and left some event or family for me. I guess the exception would be when she held my body up until the paramedics arrived.

The third session almost didn't happen as the therapist requested that Melissa mute her phone during the session. Melissa cried and even yelled that she had to be able to get to Jimmy if he needed her. She even tried to tell us that he had threatened to harm himself if she didn't immediately respond to his calls or texts. The therapist insisted and Melissa put her phone on the desk and then Melissa immediately denied being any of the reason for my state of mind when I tried to die. It went right back to Jimmy's needs and none of mine.

The therapist asked when we had last made love. I sat and thought and thought. Some of my memories were still very fuzzy but I thought it had been months since we had last tried to have sex. Melissa just turned to me. "Is this what it is all about, sex? The only thing you care about is getting your rocks off? Is that all it's about? Come home and I'll fuck you and you can then be happy."

I shook my head. I couldn't put the right words in my head to tell my mouth to say. I guess the therapist had a better vocabulary. "Wade, don't you mean that you wanted Melissa to put a priority on talking with you, with snuggling at times, with visiting with friends and family, and just being present on those occasions a wife and husband should have together?"

I nodded and looked at Melissa. "Please, Melissa, it isn't just sex. We have had years together. We talk, we laugh, and we cry together. Now, I don't see you for days. You rush out to make meals for Jimmy but you don't make a meal for just you and me. When was the last time you talked with your dad?" Melissa shook her head. "Hmmm, can't remember?"

"The last time I know you talked to him was a couple of weeks ago when we were supposed to have him over for supper. He came over but you weren't there so we went out to the café and got his hot roast beef sandwich that you had promised him. Have you even told him that I am in the hospital and why?"

"No, it couldn't have been that long. I know I told him about your attempt to hurt yourself."

I shook my head. "Then why did I have to call him? He had not come to visit and I always thought he kind of liked me. He was surprised when I told him where I was. He came yesterday afternoon and visited for quite a while."

She was in full denial. "No, that's not right. I know I told him. I know I told him that I wasn't going to be home when he came over. You are lying."

I turned to the therapist. "Since I am now a liar in my wife's eyes, I guess I am done here." I got up and left the room.

When I saw the head doctor again I told him that I wasn't going to attend any more counseling sessions and he just nodded his head.

My mental health hearing then was held. The team of doctors and police decided I just needed some serious outpatient counseling and I was suddenly free. I just didn't know what to do with myself.

I had a cab take me to the house. I walked in and found that Jimmy was now a resident. Despite Melissa's constant begging to stay and talk I packed a bag and moved to my mother's house. My old bedroom was still available once I cleaned all the junk out of it. Mom and my brother are kind of hoarders.

I went back to work at the factory. I would leave my cell phone at home on the charger as it was not allowed to even be on your person while on the line. Management felt cell phones were too much of a distraction and only allowed use during breaks and I didn't want to be disturbed by Melissa or anyone else while I was at work.

I quit making the house payments on Melissa and Jimmy's house as I no longer lived there and the drunk bastard was taking my place. I also quit paying the electric bill and the natural gas bill. I had to pay the cell phone bill or my phone would be cut off. My mother called the cell phone company and found out that my contract was complete so I took Melissa's phone off the plan. We had never had cable TV or satellite service so that was not a burden.

This went on until the bank called me. I guess even though I didn't live there my name was on the loan so I had to start paying the house payment again. I tried to make them understand that I shouldn't have to pay for a house I didn't live in but they didn't agree. The nice lady on the phone did say she understood how I felt but it didn't change the contract. She did give me a phone number of a lawyer and told me to contact him.

The lawyer was part of a group that helped out men who had been cheated on and didn't have a lot of money. Well, that described me to a 'T'. Most of my paycheck went to the house payment since Melissa didn't work anymore.

I was ignoring all calls from Melissa. I was very sad and I suppose depressed but I was also angry. Anytime I actually talked to Melissa she would start out to say she was sorry that I was upset but then she would go and start talking about how Jimmy needed her and she couldn't ignore him and it wasn't really a love affair and she had not ever had any kind of sex with him and so on and so on but it didn't change the fact that the asshole wouldn't try to help himself and was using Melissa and that she was totally involved with him and had no time for me at all. She also wanted me to pay for the electricity and natural gas and phone again since she wasn't going to get a job as Jimmy might need her at any time and she couldn't possibly leave him alone.

I quit answering the phone when she would call. It just made me more mad and sad at the same time. She could not understand how I felt.

My lawyer and I filed for divorce under "Irreconcilable differences" and he helped me to speak my side of the problem to the judge at the hearing. Melissa got her own lawyer and she tried to get us to go for counseling but my lawyer had the therapist come and testify how that earlier counseling had gone. I didn't have to go to yet another person to get out of my marriage. That made me feel better.

Melissa finally also got her dad to sell his house and move in with her to help out as she had to pay me half the value of the house and take my name off the loan as part of the settlement. Her lawyer was not pleased and tried to get the judge to order me to pay for the house and something called "separate maintenance". My lawyer told me that separate maintenance was a new term for alimony. He thought the judge had felt that I was suffering enough as Melissa had testified how much she loved me but needed to help Jimmy. Even the judge asked her questions about Jimmy and didn't look very pleased with Melissa's answers. My lawyer told me that Melissa might just want my paycheck more than anything else. I didn't think I made that much money every pay period.