An Hour I Can't Get Back

An Hour I Can't Get Back

There are so many stories here about court-ordered therapy and marriage therapists with an agenda that I thought it might be fun to write a story about a therapist with a little common sense. This is a version of the "Honey, we need to talk" story. It contains many of the usual clichés and that's no accident. I used it to express the thoughts that I always think when I read them. There is no sex in this story.

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Mary Bartlett dabs her eyes and takes a deep breath. It's been a rough hour.

I try to leave her with some comforting words. "You know, Mary, some people just aren't marriage material. They take the vows, they say the words, but they just don't have it in their hearts."

She nods and tries to smile.

"Would you take a little friendly advice from an old guy who's been around the block a few times? The world is full of men. You're young and attractive. The big problem you're going to have is trying to separate the wheat from the chaff. You want to take your time, find yourself again, and then let a good man discover what a lovely person you really are."

She smiles and stands to leave. "Can I give you a hug?"

Now I had to smile. "Yes, but my wife has a strict one hug limit."

She smiles even bigger, and I get a lovely hug from a woman who is just starting to heal.

I close the door as she leaves, pour myself another coffee, and settle back into my chair.

There is no question about it, Mary is probably going to be the high point of my day. She has everything going for her except for good taste in men and a healthy self-esteem. We're going to work on both.

I make a few more notes in Mary's file and see who's next? Oh yeah, the Smiths. It's five minutes to eleven and my last session before lunch is waiting outside. It's another court-ordered counseling session. When will these judges learn that you can't mandate therapy?! You can't lock a married couple in a room and get them to listen to one another if they don't want to listen! If I get one in ten successful couples that go through court-mandated counseling and decide they want to stay married, then I'm having a good year. Give me the divorced spouse any day. I can help them!

I open the file. Let's see, John and Charlotte Smith... Court ordered counseling prior to divorce... He filed. That's not good. Men tend to see it through no matter what. Women arrive with hope, but men arrive with determination. He'll have been talking with his friends, so he'll have a script ready. I'll need to find a way to get him to open up.

Okay Old Boy, gird your loins and get ready for battle!

I open the door to my outer office and say, "John? Charlotte? Are you ready?"

They stand and walk toward me. Strange. I can see determination written across Charlotte's face and sadness on his. That's not what I expected. I invite them in, and they sit together on the sofa. That's a good sign. Usually the man wants to sit in a separate chair.

We settle down and I take a breath to give them time to look around the room. They need to make themselves comfortable before we can do anything useful.

When they seem settled, I ask, "So, I see that Mr. Smith has filed for divorce and Mrs. Smith is asking for counseling. Mr. Smith, may I call you John?"

"Yes. That's fine."

"You're welcome to call me David or Doctor Philips. I'm happy to respond to either."

John just nods.

"John, why don't you go first? Why are you filing for divorce?"

"I can't live like this. I tried, but I can't. I won't. This isn't what I signed up for and I don't see any alternative but divorce."

"Could you be a little more specific? What is it that you can't accept?"

"She's cheating on me. I married her to build a life together. I'm not going to be just one of many."

"It isn't many you asshole! It's just one!" It seems that Charlotte has found her voice.

"Okay, Charlotte, why don't you explain to me what's going on?"

I couldn't tell if she took a moment to gather her thoughts or to suppress her anger. Then in a very controlled voice she said, "An old boyfriend came back to town about six months ago and we reconnected. It wasn't planned. It just happened. He was my first. We were a couple all through high school and when he left for college I was devastated. I met John about two years later and I forgot all about... my boyfriend."

John interrupts, "And that's another thing. She won't even tell me his name!"

"Okay, John, we take turns here. Charlotte, continue."

"Well, like I said we reconnected."

"What do you mean you reconnected?" As if I didn't know, I needed her to spell it out.

"We went out to lunch to talk about old times and catch up. You know, that sort of thing..."

"And?"

"And we had a good time, so we went out to lunch again later."

"Was it just lunch?" She just won't come out and say the words.

She looked down at her shoes for a time and said, "At first."

"And later?" It's like pulling teeth with this one. I feel like a God-damn dentist.

"Later we went to dinner."

"And did you invite John to join you?"

She scoffed at that question. This was a woman who had no respect for her husband.

"Why? He doesn't know Bar..." She almost said his name and caught herself.

"So, you and Bar..." I couldn't help myself. "So you and Bar went out to dinner alone. Did you leave your husband at home, or did you go out when he was out of town?"

"He was out of town the first time."

"And the second time?"

"I told him I was working late."

So, I'm dealing with duplicity, deception, disrespect, and I'm betting infidelity. I make a mental note to thank the judge.

"Have you done this before?"

She seems to take an interest in the carpet at this point and doesn't answer. Not answering is a pretty clear answer, so I move on.

"So, why don't we cut to the chase, shall we? Charlotte, are you cheating on your husband?"

That pisses her off!

When she doesn't answer, he jumps in. "You're damn right she is. She admitted it. Can you believe it? She's decided that she deserves to have two husbands and she wants to divide her time between us!"

"I told you that you would still be my number one! We'll live together. We'll grow old together. I just want the occasional night away. Is that so much to ask?"

"Yes!" he spits "and fuck you!"

"Well maybe if you were better at it, I wouldn't need him!"

"Okay, okay you two. Take five." I said that as much to calm myself as to silence them. What a bitch!

I take a deep breath and let it out slowly. "Why don't we cut to the chase here, shall we? I'd like to have fifteen minutes with John and then fifteen minutes with Charlotte privately. Then we'll get back together and see where we stand. Can we do that?"

Charlotte seems annoyed, but she agrees. She stands and closes the door behind her, which leaves me able to turn my attention to John. "Okay, John, spell it out for me." As he talks, I'm watching him. He's an average sort of guy, not tall but not short, not powerful but not weak. He speaks directly in a calm voice that fails to hide his pain. He doesn't seem like a danger to anyone, but he doesn't seem like a pushover, either.

"Well, it's pretty much the way I said. She's having an affair with her old boyfriend, and she wants to divide her time between us. I don't know if she's reliving her high school years or just thinks she deserves more, but I won't do it. I made a commitment, and I've kept it. I thought we were building a life together, but now she wants some of this and some of that! No, I won't live that way! It's all or nothing. Either she's my full-time wife or she's not my wife at all."

"And you can live with the divorce if that's the way it goes?"

"I prefer it." He sits back to take a breath and a moment. "She sat me down and told me the way it's going to be. She said she knew I loved her, and I wanted her to be happy, so I'd get over my hurt and let her have this. Then she said if I didn't accept it, she'd rake me over the coals in the divorce."

Lovely. I could count on her going nuclear if things didn't go her way.

"I assume you have a good lawyer?"

"Yeah."

"And he said what?"

"He said it's a 50/50 state. Since we don't have kids yet, it would be a clean break."

"And what do you want?"

"I wanted a wife and partner, but I got a damn cheat. I lived alone before, and I can live alone again. All I know is that I'm not going to sit at home while she's off doing some other guy and I'm not going to live in one of those damn open marriages. It's not me. I can't live that way."

I leaned forward and with a conspiratorial tone I said, "You want to know something?"

He nodded.

"Most people can't, and they shouldn't. John, for most people marriage is a commitment to work at the relationship and it works best when both people are pulling in the same direction. It's not a contract for unlimited sex; it's a promise to care for one another. Life takes a bite out of marriages and it's a spouse's job to protect the relationship. When things get tough, we search out what has value in the other person, and we hold onto it. People change and we need to change with them, but we need to do it without losing sight of the commitment and why we made it."

"So you think I should call off the divorce?"

"Do you want to?"

"Truthfully? No."

"Then don't. I'm not saying you need to accept whatever changes she throws at you. If you could accept the change and negotiate a new relationship, that would be different. It seems to me that you can't, and she isn't being realistic when she expects you to accept a new relationship when you had no voice in forming it. So what I'm saying is that she needs to recommit to what she originally promised or accept the end of your marriage."

John was shaking his head at this point. "She's not going to do that."

"Yeah. I suspect you're right. But I'll take a shot at it and see what happens."

"I suppose I should be glad there aren't any children yet."

That comment struck to the core of my practice. "John, a big part of my practice is working with adults who still carry the pain of their childhood with them. When this sort of thing happens and there are kids involved, there's a reason why the courts focus their greatest attention on the welfare of the children. They can't process what's happening and they struggle with it. They internalize it and blame themselves. Whether you divorce or stay together, the chaos that your wife is planning would haunt them for the rest of their lives. You're young. You have time to start a family. And trust me, there are a lot of good women out there who will view you as a great catch."

I could tell that John was listening, really listening, and thinking about everything we said.

There was nothing complicated about John. He knew his own mind and he shared it honestly. He was the classic example of "What you see is what you get."

After that, we spent the next few minutes talking about life after divorce, and John promised to see me if things didn't work out. When we'd covered all the territory that we needed to discuss, I escorted John out and invited Charlotte to come in.

"So, Charlotte, I've had a very productive talk with John. In the interest of getting to the point, let me just ask you, 'Do you intend to have an ongoing sexual relationship with this other man?'"

She hesitated for a long time and finally looked me in the eye. "Yes!"

"Do you really think this is fair to your husband?"

"I'll be there for him!"

"When you aren't with the other man."

"That will only be one night a week, maybe two, and the occasional weekend. John will be fine. I'll still give him all that he can handle."

Oh, great! Another woman who thinks she has a magical pussy that no man can refuse.

"You know, Charlotte, for most men it isn't just the sex you give him. It's also the sex you give someone else that diminishes what you give your husband."

"He'll be fine. He works plenty of nights already."

"Why does he work nights?"

"We're saving up for a house."

"So, he's working overtime to make money to buy a house that the two of you can share?"

"Well, he'll never agree to the three of us sharing it. I know that!" She laughed at her own joke.

What the hell! Stupid cow! I had to get control of myself and not telegraph my thoughts.

"Charlotte, I've got to tell you that I don't think John can accept this."

"It's just his little male ego. He'll get over it. It's just one or two nights a week and I'll rock his world every other night. He gets me 5 out of 7 nights, or at least 4. That's more than half. I don't hear Bar... I mean, I don't hear my boyfriend complaining."

She was reducing her husband's time with every statement.

"Your boyfriend didn't take vows with you. He didn't promise to build a life with you."

"That's another thing. Whatever happened to '...till death do you part...'? I'm not leaving. I'm not ending the marriage. I'm still here for him."

"Four or five days a week and some weekends... And what about '...forsaking all others'? Did you forget that part?"

"Nobody believes that anymore. Besides, I'm not moving in with... my friend! I'm just spending some time with him."

"And having sex with him."

She had no answer to that. We talked a little more, but she was adamant and inflexible. There was no fixing this, but I decided to explore a long shot. John had already shot this down, but it seemed worth exploring.

"Charlotte, would it be acceptable to you for John to have a girlfriend on the side and spend a few nights every week at her place?"

I expected her to become angry with the suggestion if my diagnosis of her was correct, but the flash of near rage surprised me. "I see what you're doing! You're trying to paint me as a hypocrite. Well he doesn't need some slut on the side! I'll still give him what he needs!"

"He seems to need a wife who is exclusively his own."

"He'll be fine, and he doesn't need some damn slut to pick up the slack!"

Well, there it was. As I suspected, there was no level playing field in Charlotte's world.

I brought John back in, and he took his seat again next to Charlotte.

"John, Charlotte, I've spoken with you both. I've listened to you, and I think things are more than clear. Charlotte, you have an exaggerated sense of entitlement that has driven you to blow up your marriage. I think you have a superficial grasp on relationships with strong narcissistic tendencies, and I think you are essentially uncurable. You will blow up every marriage you are ever a part of. We could work for years, and you would never change."

If looks could kill!

I then turned to John. "John, I will recommend to the judge that he grant the divorce. This marriage cannot be fixed and, frankly, it's toxic to you. If you wish, I'd be more than happy to meet with you and help you through the divorce and into a new life where you can find happiness and a partner that you can trust. It's up to you, but I'd be happy to help if you wish."

John was quick to agree. I couldn't help but notice that his face was a mixture of relief and sadness. This was a good man who had poor taste in women. I couldn't fix her, but I could help him.

Charlotte, on the other hand, was spitting nails. "I was promised ten sessions! You were supposed to change his mind and make John realize that he had to man up and get with the program."

"Charlotte, I'm afraid that your program isn't John's program and what you want isn't good for John's mental health. If you change your mind and are willing to return to a more traditional marriage..."

"Thanks a lot! My lawyer is going to file a complaint with the judge. I'll see to it that he never sends anyone to you again!"

Oh, be still my heart! "Charlotte, I've been doing this for a long time. You can file whatever complaints you wish. My decision stands.

Charlotte stormed out of the room, and I felt like a weight was lifted from my shoulders.

"What about you, John. Are you going to be okay?"

John thought for a moment. "Yeah, I'm going to be okay. I'd like to take you up on your offer to get together. Things are pretty crazy right now, but I'm guessing that when the smoke clears, I might have some questions."

I didn't want him waiting. "Well, it just so happens that I have this same time open next week." John smiled at that. "Why don't you come back, and we can talk some more?"

John agreed, stood, and shook my hand. As I walked him to the door, I said, "And John, don't do anything foolish. Charlotte isn't done yet. You need to stay calm and do what's right for you. If she changes her mind, which I think is unlikely, then the three of us can get back together. Otherwise, you and I can talk, and we'll get you through this."

John seemed lighter walking out than he had walking in. I need to remind myself that this job brings some surprises and these two had been a big surprise.

I returned to my desk, made some notes, and thought about that last session and the rest of the morning. It isn't exactly ethical to play matchmaker between two patients, but I kept thinking that down the road John and Mary would make a cute couple. Maybe I'll schedule a group session sometime. It's not my fault if they hit it off.

I reached into my lower desk drawer and pulled out my lunch. What a treat! This is what a marriage is supposed to be, and it's these little day-to-day considerations that sustain a relationship! My wife had packed me a meatloaf sandwich with some pasta salad and my wife makes the best meatloaf! I picked up the phone and punched her number from memory. "Hey, sweety, how's your day? You won't believe the case your brother sent me this time!"

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I do enjoy stories that include some absurd new-age therapist who condones open marriages or hates men, but the truth is there are some good ones out there. Then again, I once heard of a nut job who wanted her patients to swallow crystals for their healing power. There are all kinds out there.

I spent some considerable time with the dictionary checking uncurable vs incurable. I think I got it right, but it doesn't sit right in my ear.