An impossible choice

Shannon made slightly more money than I did in my job, and I had no desire to take anything away from her. I had the lawyer draw up and agreement that allowed her to keep everything that was hers, as well as all our investments and savings. I planned to walk away with only my income, because that’s truly all I needed.

I’d been looking for apartments at the same time, and I had a couple decent options in town that were fairly cheap. By the time she recovered I would pretty much be ready to move out.

Shannon picked up on my somber mood a few times and asked me to talk with her, but I politely refused every time. I didn’t want to upset her whole she was still in pain and unable to help herself. I didn’t want to hurt her at all, but I knew that it was inevitable.

One evening after we are dinner, she confronted me.

“John, we need to talk about all of this. All that’s happened,” she said desperately, her eyes pleading with me. “It’s hanging over us like a dark cloud and I don’t know what to do.”

I could see she was worried, and it tore me up inside knowing that I was going to walk away and hurt her even more. But I also knew I couldn’t stay, because this is how it would be for us. A constant cloud hanging over us. She would heal in time and find someone else to love and cherish her. It just couldn’t be me anymore.

“What is it you want to discuss exactly?” I asked her.

“Well, everything, I guess,” she stammered. “I want to hear you out, I want you to tell me how you’re feeling, I want you to get mad at meeee!” she wailed, tears forming in her eyes. “Anything but this intolerable silence and tension between us!”

“It’s interesting that you want to know how I feel now, after all is said and done, Shannon,” I said with an edge in my voice. If she wanted it, she’d get it.

This caught her off guard and she was taken aback at my harsh words. But I think she realized they were the truth. She had never heard me out when it mattered most.

“I suppose from my perspective, it doesn’t matter how I feel anymore,” I continued, “because it sure didn’t matter how I felt when you made this decision without me.”

My words hit her like a slap in the face and she reeled. Her eyes filled with tears, and I actually believe for the first time since cooking up this plan, she understood the implications of leaving me out of her decision. And now she would understand the consequences of what she’d done.

“Oh my god,” she sobbed in between words, “what have I done?”

Heavy sobs wracked her body as she stood in the middle of the kitchen. She was feeling it all now. I think she understood that the damage was done and it would be near impossible to repair. She could also see the grief and sadness on my face while I stood there.

“I need to head out,” I said quietly, while she continued to cry. “I told Jeff I’d help him finish off his patio tonight.” Jeff was my boss, and the creator of the fantasy sports website I did stats for. I’d been giving him tips on doing DIY reno’s on his property.

Shannon looked at me through her tears and simply nodded, and turned to walk dejectedly to the bedroom. I knew I needed to end this soon, because the pain would destroy us both before long. I would ride out the week and then sit her down and explain everything. It would be the toughest thing I ever did, but God help me, I would do it.

When I returned three hours later, I saw that my mother in law’s car was parked in our driveway, and I knew it was going to be bad. The house was quiet when I entered, which wasn’t what I expected. But then I heard their voices out back, so I realized they were on the deck.

I had absolutely no desire to speak to either woman, so I attempted to quietly sneak up the bedroom. Unfortunately, it wasn’t to be.

I was in my bedroom for a grand total of two minutes when I heard the door creak behind me. Assuming it was Shannon, I spoke without turning around.

“I’ll be up early tomorrow and I can take you to your last check-up at 7,” I said.

“You got a lot of nerve, treating my daughter so harshly when she’s going through such a tough time,” the nasaly voice spoke from the door. She was one to talk about nerve, walking into my bedroom, in my house, and tossing around judgements on things that didn’t concern her.

“Get out of my house,” I replied, my voice staying level, but leaving no doubt as to my sincerity.

I don’t think she fully grasped how much peril she was in, as I suspect she had no idea I understood the level of involvement she had in the destruction of my life and my marriage. If ever I was close to doing physical harm to a woman, it would’ve right now in this moment with my mother in law.

She stood stubbornly in the doorway, attempting to intimidate me I suppose. I refused to even give her the satisfaction of turning around, so I simply repeated myself in the same tone.

“Get out of my house, right now,” I said again.

She just have gathered that I wasn’t going to engage her and that she had no edge here, so she turned heel and walked down the stairs.

By the time walked down twenty minutes later, she was gone, and Shannon sat alone on the couch.

“I suppose you thought you could get your mother to bully me into talking to you, hey?” I asked her, jarring her from her thoughts. She looked towards me, tears staining her cheeks and eyes swollen. She must have done a lot of crying. I’d bet her mom filled her in on what an asshole her husband was. Must’ve been a hard pill to swallow.

Her silence told me I was dead on. I wonder how much of a doormat her father must be for these women to think I was going to just accept this as my reality. I’d bet that it was also her mom who convinced her that my opinion didn’t count when it came to such things. After all, it was *her* body. I wondered whether she still believed that.

The rest of the evening went by with little to no discussion, and we went to bed with the ever present dark cloud over us. The tension was palpable, but nobody spoke a word.

++++++++++

The doctor told us exactly what I expected; that she was good to go and could return to work and her daily routine. “Good,” I thought, “time for me to leave this whole mess behind and try to put the pieces of my life back together.”

I talked to Jeff and asked for the rest of the week off work. I knew I would need time to get all my affairs in order and work would never allow me to do that.

“Is everything okay, John?” he asked me with a concerned look.

“No Jeff, things are actually pretty bad on the homefront,” I replied with a sadness behind my voice that caught me off guard. I had not talked about this issue with anyone aside from Shannon, and I had barely spoken to her either.

I was near tears, and I didn’t care. Jeff was a good guy and he could see I was struggling.

“Take as much time as you need John,” he said sympathetically. “You come back when you’ve figured this thing out.”

“Thanks Jeff,” I said, grateful for having such a good boss. “But I will be back to the grind on Monday.”

Shannon was on half days at her work this week, so she was already home by the time I walked in the door early in the afternoon. I had spent with morning with my lawyer, and he had given me the final draft of the divorce papers.

She spoke before I even had a chance to remove my jacket.

“Ashley’s recovered from the surgery, and she’ll be released from the hospital today,” she said with a look of hopefulness on her face. I suppose she wanted me to be happy for them or something. And I was, truth be told. But I just hated that their happiness came at the expense of my own.

“Well, sounds like everything worked out for you guys,” I said with a bit of bitterness in my voice.

She recoiled at my words, clearly hurt by how cold I was. I think she was actually surprised at my attitude about all of this.

My intention wasn’t to hurt Shannon. There was already enough hurt going around to last us all a lifetime, and at this stage of the game, what was done was done. No amount of guilt tripping or blame would change a single thing. But sometimes my instinctual reaction was to bite back when she pushed my buttons this way.

I sat down opposite her and look at her for a long while, considering what our lives would look like a week from now; a month from now; a year from now. It all looked bleak. It made me so sad.

After what seemed like hours, I finally broke the silence with words I never thought I’d say to Shannon.

“I’m going to be leaving you soon,” I said, my voice so hushed I wasn’t even sure I said it.

Shannon’s face registered confusion at my words, attempting to understand my meaning.

“You’re going out again tonight?” she asked.

“No Shannon,” I said firmly, “what I’m saying is that I’ve filed for a divorce, and I’m going to be moving out.”

My words hung in the air for a few short seconds before Shannon’s face crumbled and she descended into anguish as she fully comprehended my meaning.

“Noooooo,” she began to cry in a low moan that broke my heart once again. “This can’t be happening,” she wailed, her face falling into her hands.

I sat glued to the chair, watching as Shannon wept into her hands and her body shook with heavy sobs. I wanted so badly to take her into my arms, but I simply couldn’t bring myself to do it. We were too far apart; it would just make things more difficult in the long run.

After a few minutes, she raised her swollen eyes to look at me.

“How can you leave me after six years of marriage and everything we’ve been through?” she pleaded with me. “You’re just going to throw it all away?”

“One day, maybe after you’ve had some therapy about this, you’ll understand that it wasn’t me who threw away our marriage, Shannon,” I said calmly, with true empathy in my voice.

It tore my heart out to see the woman I loved in such agony. I realized it was me making the decision to walk away, but as I’ve said, I truly felt it was the only way.

“We can work through this, John!” she wailed, desperately pleading for me to reconsider my position. “I’m so sorry John, please...*please* give me a chance to fix this!”

“How do you plan to fix this Shannon?” I said, becoming angry at her oblivious outlook.

“You going to find a fucking time machine and go back and not abort our baby?!” I screamed at her, losing my cool. “Or at the very least, ask for my opinion before tearing my heart from my chest?”

I was full livid now, all the pent up resentment breaking through my usually calm exterior. Shannon was in hysterics, but I couldn’t hold my feelings in anymore.

“Because I might have been able to live with it, had you just respected me enough to ask me...make me feel like I had a voice in this,” I said. “But, sadly, it sounds like your mom had more of a voice in this than I did, and for that fact, I cannot remain married to you.”

I paused, allowing her time to absorb my words. I calmed my nerves and continued. “So, I’m going to make this really easy for all of you, and I’m going to leave,” I said evenly. “None of you will have to see me and feel awkward anymore.”

“John, please. Tell me this isn’t happening,” she cried, again, probably hoping this was all a nightmare she’d wake up from in a moment. She was on her knees in front of me now, gripping my hands in hers.

“It’s over, Shannon,” I said, resolved to end this. “There’s nothing here for me anymore”, I said, the tears running down my face. I reached behind myself, pulling out the manila envelope, and placed it on the table beside her.

“Read them over, have a lawyer look at them if you want to, but I’m sure you’ll find it’s more than fair,” I told her, as she began a whole new round of sobs. “Please don’t fight the divorce, and let’s just get it over and done with,” I said quietly. “Give me the courtesy of letting me get on with my life.”

With that, I removed my hands from hers and rose from the seat, leaving her heaving on the floor. I once again had the urge to console her, bit I resisted.

“I have an apartment in town. I’ll text you when I’m coming by to get all my stuff,” I said while standing at the door. She didn’t turn around. “I will leave you with everything, I’m only going to take what I need to survive and some stuff from the shed. Anything else I’ll come by and get another time.”

I left her in the living room, still on the floor, and shut the door on the last six years of my life. Six years I would never get back. Six years that I felt like I simply wasted. I put my soul into this marriage; this house; this life; and I didn’t even know that I was walking away with that.

+++++++++

Shannon fought the divorce. She did everything in her power to not only fight it, but to also convince me to take her back. I anticipated this, because I knew her, and I knew she wouldn’t just give up because I asked her too.

In all likelihood, she had consulted her all knowing mother, and I’d bet my paycheck that her mom told her to fight it. She probably said I’d eventually come crawling back to her. Shannon, for some reason beyond my comprehension, seemed to always believe her mom. She bought into whatever drivel would come from that woman’s mouth. It was so sad. I hoped one day for her sake that she cut the cord and became her own person.

Shannon, along with her parents, had been blowing up my phone for the past two weeks. I averaged about 20 missed calls per day, every day. I answered Shannon’s texts, and only if they were important. None of them knew where I lived, since I left out that detail, and I was thankful for that.

According to my lawyer, Shannon had, in fact, gotten her own lawyer. However, it was only for the purpose of informing me that she would not be signing divorce papers unless I agreed to have a face to face conversation with her.

I figured if it got her to sign the papers, why not?

It was a month and a half after I gave her the papers when she and I met to talk. We agreed to meet at my lawyers offices, and that it would just be us without lawyers present.

Shannon was already there by the time I arrived, and I’ll admit, when I first saw her, I barely recognized her. She had lost at least ten pounds, and the looked like a defeated woman. She wore loose fitting jeans and a hoodie, which was very unlike her.

Her eyes followed me as I made my way to a chair opposite her. There was a deep sadness in them, and it served as a stark reminder of the gravity of what we were going through. I sat down, and we looked at one another without speaking for a few minutes. She opened her mouth a few times to say something but would stop herself each time.

Finally, she spoke to me in a raspy voice, “I’ve rehearsed what I would say to you hundreds of times in my head, but there are so many things, I don’t know where to begin,” she said, laughing derisively, seemingly at herself.

I waited for her to continue, since she was the one who requested we talk.

“The first thing I want to say to you is that I’m sorry,” she stated. “Sorry for disrespecting you, for leaving you in the dark, for hurting you so badly, and most of all, for destroying a perfectly happy marriage,” she said, years forming in her eyes at the last part.

Tears began to form behind my eyes as she spoke, all the pain of the past few months coming back in waves.

“I want you to know that I’m not coming to you with excuses,” she said. “But I now see that I failed you. I failed us. I put others before you, I allowed my feelings to cloud my judgement, and I allowed other people to influence me,” she confessed, seeming to be going through a mental checklist. Indeed, she must have rehearsed this a few times.

“I told myself many times that I would not beg you for a second chance, but now that I’m here and looking at you, I have to try,” she said desperately. “John, if you would just give me a chance, I would spend the rest of my life making this up to you; making you remember why you fell in love with me,” she pleaded. “I want us to go to counseling, and find a way to get beyond this thing together.”

I sat in silence, pondering her words. On one hand, there was a part of me that wanted to give her a chance. To give *us* a chance. She was right, I did love her, and that would probably never change. But another part of me knew it would never work out, and counselling would basically end up being a series of hour long crying sessions.

I would never be able to get past what had happened, and it wouldn’t be fair to her to subject her to that. Shannon had made an impossible choice, but unfortunately, that choice wasn’t me or our marriage.

“Please, John, I will do anything!” she pleaded. “Anything!”

“To be honest, Shannon, I don’t see what good it could possible do,” I said sadly. “See, the damage is done and neither you or I can take it back. Ever,” I said, emphasizing my words for effect.

Her eyes filled with tears at my harsh words and her head fell.

“I know what I’ve done, and I’m so, so sorry,” she sobbed. “It’ll never be the way it was, but maybe one day you could find it in your heart to forgive me,” she said, pausing briefly. “I can’t bear the thought of life without you, John.”

Her words brought tears to my eyes, but also served to remind me of the reality of my situation. I couldn’t forgive her. She had made the conscious choice to disregard my feelings, and terminated our pregnancy, knowing it was everything to both of us.

“I’m sorry you had to make the decision that you did, and I am truly empathetic to what you were feeling, but you made a choice for your future that didn’t include me,” I told her. “Sometimes in life we have to make impossible decisions, and sometimes the outcome isn’t what we hoped.”

A few minutes of silence passed between us as Shannon softly cried, taking in what I was saying to her without responding. I suppose she must’ve felt like she needed to hear me out, since this was the most of talked to her since handing her the divorce papers.

“I’m so mad at you,” I said, staring intently into her eyes. “I’m mad at you for deciding out future was less important than your sister, and I truly hate that I feel that way. For obvious reasons,” I added. “Because of that fact, it isn’t fair to you for us to be together, because I would always resent you. And I don’t know that the resentment will ever go away,” I said, my voice cracking with emotion.

She openly wept as I poured my heart out to her. It was a heart wrenching moment, seeing her so devastated.

“Go be with your family, Shannon, and try to find a new path in life,” I said, hoping to end this conversation. The more I saw of her, the more I missed her and wanted to forget the hurt she had caused.

“I really wish you the best, and I hope you find peace,” I said, rising from my chair. “Please sign the papers and let me move on and find peace too.”

She continued to sob into her hands as I walked out the door. Our of her life. I never looked back.

Shannon signed the papers that week, but insisted on giving me some of our investments. She didn’t think it fair that she took everything. I told my lawyer we could settle it off the books another time, but just to file and get the divorce done and over with.

Shannon’s mother did make an appearance one time a month before the divorce was final. She showed up at my workplace, somehow managing to get past the front desk, and stormed into my office on her broom (just kidding, but the analogy fits). She launched into a tirade about how I was so selfish and some nonsense about “growing up” and “being a man about it”.

I simply stared her in the face and said nothing until she left.

+++++++++

I never ended moving away when the divorce became final. It was actually my intention to move somewhere else to start my life over, but a new job opportunity found me before I left, and it was too good to pass up.