An Indispensable Woman Ch. 05

Fiddleheads was in Reena's part of town. It was Friday night. Dani cursed herself for not seeing the danger in advance, then cursed her rotten luck. This was a disaster.

Dani took a steadying breath and cast about for a hiding place. No way could Reena meet Amara, or Amara's co-workers. Reena said something embarrassing every time she opened her mouth. Dani was no prude, but Reena's act was too much even for her.

Another, more terrifying thought occurred: what if Reena was one of Amara's co-workers? Dani's stomach twisted and she felt a brief wave of nausea wash over her. She needed to get out of sight, now!

"And you must be Dani," said a man's voice to her left. She spun to see a forty-something man and woman bearing down on her, the man's hand already extended in greeting. He wore a suit and tie and she was in a black dress.

Dani dried her palm again and shook his hand, trying to damp down the rising anxiety and match the relaxed smile the man flashed her. "Yes...uh...Dani Harrison. It's nice to meet you."

"Connor Perry. This is my wife Wendy."

Dani shook her hand too.

"I'm the director of I.T. My office is just down the hall from Amara's"

Dani nodded while trying to think of something - anything - interesting to say. What on earth was 'I.T.', anyway?

"I guess...you've got a tough job," she said, figuring it would be safe enough. After all, most people had tough jobs, right?

"Ha! And your partner over there doesn't make it any easier. I hope she finishes the HRIS deployment soon. We're waiting to pull the trigger on her on-boarding changes but she's always up to her ass in alligators."

He laughed at his own joke. Dani supposed it was a joke, anyway, and added a belated chuckle of her own. She glanced over to the lounge, to make sure Reena hadn't moved. She hadn't - and it looked like she had a fresh drink.

"So what do you do?" Wendy asked.

"Huh? Oh, I'm...mostly into childcare these days," Dani replied, hoping it didn't sound unimportant. "How about you?"

Wendy beamed. "We're in the same business, then! I teach grade three and four at Mother Lucia's - it's out in Markham, maybe you've heard of it?"

Dani shook her head and darted a quick glance in Amara's direction. She was still at the bar, entangled in a conversation with her boss. Dani was on her own for a while longer. Wendy just kept on talking.

"We're running a pilot project on peer mentoring - the first of its kind in the GTA. The idea is that we can improve learning outcomes in at-risk youth by pairing them with high achievers on a year-long basis..." The woman went on like that on for some time, and Dani tried to nod and smile in the right places. Wendy was a teacher and Connor was a director of...something. Dani made a mental note in case she ever got cornered by them again.

"I see you've met the main reason my HRIS project was behind schedule," Amara said with a wry smile. She pressed a cold drink into Dani's hand and Dani drained half the glass as the rest of them laughed at Amara's comment. After a few minutes of banter between Amara and Connor, the other couple moved off.

'What the hell is I.T.?" Dani whispered to Amara.

"Connor handles all the computers and technology at the office," Amara whispered back, then gestured at Dani's drink. "You're making short work of that soda. Want me to get you another one?"

"No...I'm good. Maybe we could stay together and you could introduce me to the others?"

Dani's anxiety approached panic levels as she realized how vastly out-classed she was by everyone there. She didn't even understand what the hell they were talking about most of the time! It reinforced how different Amara's world was from her own, and the impossible distance Dani would have to climb to raise herself up to Amara's level.

Dani took a few deep breaths and tried to get a grip. Her whole body felt wet and sticky. She quickly swiped her wrist over her sweaty top lip and forehead. She could handle this. She could do this. After all, she didn't need to fit in there, she just needed to get through the next couple of hours without humiliating Amara in front of her peers, and while avoiding Reena's eye. Surely she could accomplish that much, right?

She and Amara made the rounds, and Dani got introduced to the movers and players at Amara's company. Thankfully, Reena was not among them. Dani tried to remember names and jobs, but beyond that it was smile-and-nod, smile-and-nod. She tried to say as little as possible and to stick as close to Amara as she could, all while keeping a wary eye on the gaudy pink dress out in the lounge.

After a far-too-long cocktail hour the server showed them to their seats. Dani hung back and sat down last. There were sixteen people in total, and Dani didn't want to get trapped in the middle of the group. She ended up on the end, with Amara beside her and Roy Something-or-other, the chief financial officer, across the table. Dani tried to summon up all the knowledge she had on financial stuff but came up dry. She hoped the conversation would be sparse.

She opened the menu at looked for familiar words. Chicken...potato...steak...salad...there were some words she recognized, but they were surrounded by even more words she didn't.

"What looks good, Dani?" Roy asked with an engaging smile.

"Uh..." Dani's heart was pounding so hard she could hear it in her ears, "I guess...it depends. Are you a chicken guy or a steak guy?"

"Neither. Fully vegan, and have been since my bypass a few years ago."

"Oh...wow. I hope you're doing okay now?"

"Yes. I'm glad I stayed away from the vein graft. Let me tell you, Dani, ALWAYS get a second opinion."

Dani smiled weakly, then buried her nose in her incomprehensible menu.

"I recommend the Shepherd's pie," Amara said to Dani, and Dani appreciated the offhand tone her partner used - it didn't draw attention to the fact that Dani was too stupid to even read a damn menu.

"Yeah, that sounds perfect."

It took a long time but the server came around to take their order, and then Dani spent the next half-hour trying not to look like an idiot in front of the second-most powerful man in Amara's company.

Reena still hadn't moved from the lounge. She was downing yet another drink.

"So you're into childcare?" Roy asked, then fished his phone out of his jacket pocket. "Here are my two girls. This was taken at their gymnastics competition. They're the two on the left." Roy passed the phone over and Dani made a show of looking at two of the ten identically-dressed girls.

"Cute kids," Dani said, then fussed with her own phone and handed it to Roy. "This is Anne on the beach at English Bay, in Vancouver. It was her first sand castle." Despite the crushing stress, Dani managed a smile at the memory. It had been a disaster of a sand castle, but Anne had been so proud of it.

"Aww. What an angel! Let me show you some pictures of our last trip out west. We started in Portland..." Roy launched into a minute-by-minute replay of his two-week vacation, complete with pictures, and Dani was more than happy to listen. As long as Roy was talking about himself, Dani didn't have to worry about making Amara look bad. Maybe, somehow, she'd survive the evening after all?

The meal came and that was fine, too. If Dani's mouth was full she didn't have to talk. The Shepherd's pie was good, as Amara had said. Roy continued to talk in between mouthfuls; he was down to the Hoover Dam now, having just overcome a bad fish taco experience in Boulder City. He'd be hard-pressed to make it to El Paso by the end of the meal, at the rate he was going...

And then Larry clinked his wine glass with his fork and stood up and made a speech, thanking everyone for coming, talking about what a great team he had, how nice it was to get to know everyone. Everyone drank a toast. Dani was on the home stretch. Dessert, coffee, then she and Amara could...

"Well, hello again, stranger," said...what was her name? Wendy? The woman came up beside her and thrust a cell phone in her direction. "I know you're an educator too, so I wanted to show you this article and get your thoughts."

Dani looked at the screen. Words. Hundreds of words. Dani cast a desperate glance at Amara but she was engaged in a conversation with someone further down the table.

"When I read it, I was outraged. I was thinking we could form an advocacy group, maybe start a letter-writing campaign. What do you think?" Wendy said.

Nothing in the headline was familiar. Dani tried to think of the words to stall, or to politely put the woman off, but it was so hard to think. Stress swelled up and threatened to consume her. The nausea returned and she drew a deep breath. Keep it together...keep it together. Hoping to buy a few seconds, Dani shoveled another fork-full of Shepherd's pie into her mouth.

"Dani? Is that you, honey-buns?"

Fuck - she'd lost track of Reena! The woman's loud voice made Dani's insides turn to ice. Her eyes went wide. Her throat closed off, making it an effort to swallow the mouthful she'd been working on. She felt her chest constrict - was she having a heart attack? Please, yes...let it be a heart attack. A heart attack would be better.

"It IS you!" Reena's alcohol-fueled voice went louder still. Dani was sure it could be heard clear across the restaurant.

Dani looked up at the older woman, a terrifying vision in pink. Reena walked up beside Wendy and slapped Dani's shoulder roughly.

"Well look at you, dressed up all pretty! Finally grew out of your tomboy phase!" She laughed at her own joke. "You never call anymore! Don't tell me I scared you off."

Dani tried to think of what to say, how to salvage the situation in front of Amara and her boss, but her brain had locked up. Conversation at their table had stopped and every eye was on her, but all she could do was stare up at Reena as dread washed over her.

"You're so quiet now - that's quite a change as well!" Reena said with a loud guffaw.

"Uh...hi, Reena. Yeah. Well, I...I met someone, and...uh..."

"Oh?" Reena's gaze fell on Amara. Dani closed her eyes. It was a nightmare.

"Amara Feldman." Dani could feel Amara standing, shaking Reena's hand.

"Ah, so you're the one who managed to rope my little filly. Can't say I blame you...she's quite a firecracker."

Dani cringed. What would they be saying at the office on Monday? What gossip would be spreading about her and Amara? Everyone would get a good laugh about how Amara's partner had made a big scene at dinner. A laugh at Amara's expense.

"She's a wonderful woman, yes," Amara said. How could she sound so calm when the world was ending?

"We go back a long way," Reena said. "Why, when I met her-"

Dani stood suddenly, jostling the table with her leg and spilling Roy's beer. It was over. So over. She needed to get out before she started screaming or crying or...something. "I need to be excused," she mumbled, then threw Wendy's phone onto the table and ran for the washroom.

It took a super-human effort but she managed to hold it together until she'd locked herself in a stall and sat down, fully-clothed, on the toilet seat. Only then did she start sobbing. Leave it to Reena to deal the death blow to an already-terrible evening.

She'd been an idiot to think it could ever work with Amara. If her life had taught her anything it was that someone like Amara was too far out of her league. Hard work could mask a lot of flaws, but not the biggest one of all.

She was unworthy.

Uneducated, poor, uncultured, unrefined. No family to vouch for her. Dani knew there was no reason to take her seriously or think she was worthy of a long-term commitment. Time and again she'd find romance, only to have it turn to ash and flake away. Dani was a throw-away girlfriend. A fling. A bit of fun to pass the time.

She wasn't good enough for Amara. She never would be. If there had been any question, tonight had settled the matter.

She heard the washroom door open and someone enter. Please, God, not Reena.

"Dani?" It was Amara, sounding concerned.

Dani sighed and sniffed, wiping her nose on the back of her hand. "I'm fine, I'm fine. Just...not feeling good. I'll be fine." She bent forward and put her face in her hands, trying to stifle another sob.

Amara's footsteps stopped outside Dani's stall.

"Dani, open the door."

"Just...go back to your people. Your boss and those guys. I'm not feeling well. I'm...just going to take a cab back to the apartment. I'll be fine."

There was a long silence.

"I'm sorry," Amara said. "I knew you didn't want to come and I forced you into it. I'm really sorry. Please open the door?"

"No...it wasn't you! It's me. I'm just...not good enough. I'm too fucking stupid to make it through a simple dinner-"

"You're NOT stupid."

Dani sniffed again. "Maybe...I could just go back to being your housekeeper? And I could look after Anne? I'm not a good partner for you."

Another silence. "Are you saying you don't want to be my partner anymore?" Amara's voice was quiet.

A sob broke through Dani's self-control and she wiped her nose again. "Partners are equals. I'll never be your equal. I'll never be good enough for someone like you. No matter how hard I work I'll never get up to your level."

"PLEASE open the door."

"I tried my best. I did everything I could. I'd do anything for you and Anne." Dani unrolled some bathroom tissue and tried to clean up her face.

"Look, let's go home now. Together. We need to talk about this."

"No...please, please, please just go back out to the table. I don't want to ruin your office party. I hate that I made you look bad in front of everyone. Just...please go back out."

There was more silence but Amara didn't move.

"You didn't make me look bad, and you didn't ruin anything," Amara said. "Come on, open the door. Let's talk."

"Please, just go back and-"

"No. I love you and I'm not leaving here without you. I'm not going anywhere. Not until you open the door."

Dani sighed and took some more time to put her face in order. Somehow she'd managed to make a complete shit-show of the entire evening. She'd humiliated Amara, maybe hurt her career. She'd proven beyond any doubt that she was unworthy of being Amara's partner - she couldn't cope in a social situation around Amara's peers. Dani wasn't sure if she could face the other woman after what had happened. But since Amara wouldn't leave...

Dani unlocked the door to the stall.

Amara was in front of her immediately, kneeling on the filthy floor in her beautiful dress, stroking Dani's hair, trying to make eye contact. Dani put her face in her hands and wept. She didn't want to hear the soft, supportive words that Amara was murmuring; false hope would only make the inevitable breakup that much more painful.

But Amara didn't stop. Didn't leave. And the words just kept coming. I love you. You're important. Anne loves you. I need you. You're part of me. I want you with me. You're family. Come home.

Bit by bit, the words chipped away at the despair and hopelessness. Cracks started to form in Dani's stubborn doubts.

"Hey...let's go. I'll drive us home. We'll make some tea and sit down and have a talk," Amara said at last.

Dani breathed a miserable sigh, then nodded. Amara helped her to her feet, then out to the lobby of the restaurant. After quickly retrieving Dani's purse and their jackets from the table, Amara got them in the car and headed for home.

**

A hot shower made Dani feel better, on the outside at least. Better to be clean than clammy and sticky. She was in her nightshirt, huddled on one side of the couch, knees drawn up to her chest as she waited for Amara to bring the tea. And then would come 'the talk'.

She'd had 'the talk' many times before, and was already mapping out the future in her mind. There were a few places she could crash until she found her own accommodations. She could get her job back at Marty's pizza - he was always looking for chefs and drivers. She'd saved a lot of money since she'd been working for Amara; that would keep her afloat for several weeks, if she was smart about it. So it wasn't like she'd be starting over from scratch, exactly.

"Here," Amara said, sliding a mug into Dani's hands. Chamomile tea. Amara had seen Elaine out and put on a plush, white bathrobe while Dani had been in the shower. She looked alluring even in that.

"Thanks."

Amara sat sideways on the couch, facing Dani, so close they were almost touching. There was quiet in the apartment. Dani tested the tea with her lips but it was too hot to drink. Finally Amara opened her mouth to speak. Dani braced herself.

"I love you. You're an incredible partner. Whatever issues are bothering you, we can overcome. I want to hear you say you're committed to working things out with me. The two of us, together."

Dani was stunned. 'The talk' never started this way. She looked up at Amara in disbelief. Amara met her gaze and didn't back off. For a while Dani couldn't answer, torn between hope and doubt. Was it possible she was getting a second chance?

Dani nodded. "I'm committed. I promise I'll work harder. I won't let you down again."

"Okay, let's start there," Amara reached out and stroked her fingertips along the back of Dani's neck. "First, you have never let me down. Ever. Whatever my expectations were, you've always exceeded them."

Dani shook her head. "I know I haven't been-"

"Wait. I need you to acknowledge what I just said. I need to know you understood me." Amara's voice was gentle but authoritative. Dani had never heard Amara speak like that before.

Caught off guard by the tone, Dani paused, then started again. "Okay. You said I've never let you down, and that I...exceeded your expectations."

Somehow, saying the words out loud made Dani feel a little more confident.

"Thank you," Amara said, then was silent, waiting.

"It's just, you're...rich and educated and professional. You probably want a partner with the same qualities instead of some idiot who can't read and who worked at a pizza joint. There's a lot of pressure for me to raise my game, and...I'm not sure I'll ever be good enough."

Dani felt close to tears at the admission. She'd cried so much at the restaurant and in the car on the way home that she doubted there were any tears left.

"So you think I won't want you if you're less educated or don't have as much money or can't read, and that's causing you a lot of stress. Am I understanding that right?"

"Yeah." Dani was glad that she was making herself clear to the other woman.

Amara smiled. "But...I already fell in love with you, didn't I? Just as you are now. You're not wealthy or educated, true, but you're kind and affectionate and honest. And supportive - you've helped me through some brutal patches the last few months. You're gentle and attentive and patient...and you're getting to be a damn good parent for Anne. Don't get me started on how sexy you are!" Amara finished with a wink.

The wink brought a half-smile from Dani. She started to feel stronger.

"You're the best thing that ever happened to me," Dani said. "I'm really nervous about screwing this up. My track record isn't so good."

"What would help you be less nervous?"

Dani thought about the question and came up with a few options, but one rose above the rest.

"I want to learn to read. I'd feel like less of a moron if I didn't need help to read a picture book to Anne or order from a restaurant menu."

"Dani, would you do me a favour?" Amara's tone became serious again.

"What?"

"It bothers me to hear you calling yourself stupid, or an idiot or a moron. I don't think that way about you at all. Please stop saying those things?"

Dani tested the tea again, then took a sip and nodded.

"Yeah, okay. Sorry about that."