An Ultimatum Shatters a Marriage

Of course, that same CEO offered me an excellent, seven-figure settlement if I absolved him, his company, and any employees, "who may have undertaken criminal or malicious activities against you while on Company time or using Company resources, systems, etc." Fuck it. I took the money, but that was still down the road.

When released on bail, Cara moved in with Donna and Chuck, where she and the brassy blonde became model citizens and carefully toed the line. Jason returned to his condo near the company campus, and when discharged from the hospital, Brent moved in with Jason since his wife was divorcing him. Paul Brownlow was also heading to divorce court.

My injuries consisted of bruised ribs, contusions, damaged ligaments in both wrists, two broken fingers, a cracked left radius, a bruised left kidney, a bruised liver, and a minor concussion. The emotional damage was much worse. I was in both physical and mental health therapy.

While I was healing, I worked some from home, and every night Christine and the twins came over to help us. Sarah and Scott grew up overnight. Miles and Glenna Ford, my in-laws, also spent a lot of time with us.

I filed for divorce the day after being discharged, and Cara signed the papers and agreed to my terms without consulting an attorney. I was more than fair with her so we could get it done quietly. She knew it was over, but the process still stretched over six months, continuing through the criminal proceedings.

While awaiting trial, my wife went into serious mental health counseling and intense therapy. Through Cara's mother, Glenna, I was kept abreast of her progress. The part of me who still loved Cara was glad she was receiving help. However, the angry and damaged part of me - the majority of me at the time - felt relieved and vindicated. Finally, someone with credentials told my wife that what she'd done to her family and me was abnormal, unhealthy, and destructive.

Later, I learned that her company encouraged Cara's therapy as part of a 'rehabilitation' program to justify retaining her. The cynical side of me assumed this was window-dressing to allow the company to say their employee was not entirely in control of her actions. Also, through a member of the legal team negotiating the final terms of my settlement with Cara's employer, I learned that her company's CEO and founder was, in fact, a cuckolded husband. That explains a lot.

Before trial, Cara and the rest pled guilty to reduced charges. The judge considered three significant factors when sentencing. First, none of the defendants had any criminal record, including misdemeanors. Their company introduced their exemplary work records and agreed to allow them time off for mental health counseling. They decided to transfer two of the four to a west-coast operation.

Cara and her boss, Peter Brownlow, remained where they were, though demoted one level. That suited Cara just fine because she went back to the frontline technical operations, which she loved. Cara's therapist and psychiatrist advised the judge on her positive response to treatment and her likely future prognosis. And I also gave the judge a recommendation based on the fact that the woman who committed these offenses was not the same person I married.

Furthermore, as angry, hurt, and betrayed as I was, I was finally able to see her objectively and realized that I didn't want her punished or incarcerated. As it was, we had two teenagers to raise and send to college and eventually launch on a life of their own. Finally, part of me still loved her and refused to give in to the hate and anger that had consumed me for so long.

So, when the judge passed the sentence, Jason Mentin and Brent Brozaki were sentenced to three years of probation and fined $3,500. Peter Brownlow was sentenced to four years of probation and fined $5,000, and my wife, Cara Ford Pearce, was sentenced to seven years of probation and fined $10,000. Included in the terms of her probation, Cara had to stay out of bars, nightclubs, or other businesses whose primary business is alcohol. Furthermore, she was required to continue therapy until properly discharged. She was prohibited from associating with Donna for the terms of her probation or with any of her co-defendants outside of work.

After sentencing, I got to address all four of them, as did my children. I won't go into detail about what was said, but there was one thing worth noting, and this came from my therapy sessions. To Cara, I said, "The worst betrayal of all wasn't to our marriage vows, our family, our friendship, or our trust but to something deeper and more fundamental. You betrayed my humanity because you used your behavior to alienate me, and then, bit by bit, you destroyed my love. You turned my love first into indifference and finally into hate. Worse than a disease, you gave me an infinitely more virulent sickness, and I turned it on the woman I once loved more than life itself. Now, I must excise that hatred and forgive you before I can be whole again."

My wife broke down in wracking sobs upon hearing that, and there were others in the gallery behind me crying. I noted with sadness and concern that I was unaffected. I still had a ways to go.

In the end, I kept our home, and she took over a rental property we'd invested in a few years ago, located between her parents' home and where she works. She moved in there about a month after the trial. As Cara's treatment progressed, both children began to repair their relationship with her. Scott came around quickly, and even Sarah spends time with her mother now. Sarah and Cara are back to doing things together, but my daughter still has a lot of anger, for which she is also seeing a psychologist.

Mercifully, I lost any need to burn my soon-to-be ex-wife because, with mine and Christine's relationship on the front burner, it's not like I would be changing in-laws or anything. Though my love is irreparably damaged, there were a lot of good memories I associate with her. The good vastly outweighed the bad, and it's on the good we must dwell.

A huge part of healing is letting go of anger and hate because hanging on to them is just too toxic. Forgiving doesn't mean forgetting, but it is liberating and lets you live again. A wise poet once said, " There's no room in your heart for both love and hate." I think she was right. Heck, I know she was because I'm living proof.

Present Day

Cara dried her eyes and composed herself. For all intents and purposes, she was the Cara I'd married, and her eyes held me in a gentle, loving way they had for years. Finally, she said, "I wanted to see you before the divorce is final." Cara inhaled a ragged breath. Her hands trembled. "What I, ah wanted to ask you, Ian, is... well, do you think there's any chance for us? Can we save our marriage?" Before I could answer, she exclaimed, "I've changed, Ian! I love you so." My wife sobbed.

I sat trying to compose myself. I was also crying. I stood up and reached across for her hands and pulled them down to the cool tabletop, where I held them in mine. She was trembling badly. I said as gently as I could, "Cara, I will always love you because we've got too much shared history. However, I'm also in pretty intense therapy now because of what happened, and it isn't just the night at the inn that's still tearing me apart. Sadly, the part of me that needs to love you to remain your husband is gone."

She gripped my hands painfully. "No! Ian, please! I've changed! I have!" Cara begged, sobbing.

Gently, I took my hands from hers and said, "I'm sorry, Cara. There's just too much sitting there, against my heart. I've got to heal, to move on, and so do you." I stepped around the table and took her in my arms, where we hugged long and emotionally. Our final marital embrace was the funeral for a marriage that just two months ago had lasted twenty years.

Just before I stepped through the door, Cara looked at me, her eyes glistening with tears, her cheeks wet, and said, "Just tell Christine that if she makes the slightest mistake, I will be there to take my husband back."

I guess the stunned look on my face caused Cara to laugh - a sweet, friendly laugh - and say, "My baby sister has loved you as long as I have. And I'm okay with it. I am Ian." I was speechless, which made her laugh more.

I left Cara that day as I'd first loved her: laughing and with a smile on her face.

Outside awaited my future, Christine, whose laugh and smile were stunningly similar to her sister's but were full of a love that was more mature and more embracing than anything I'd ever experienced. While nature made Christine the youngest, life, circumstances, and a gentle, loving heart made her ageless.

Afterward

It's possible to love somebody with all your heart but be unable to feel anything substantial. The sad, lasting tragedy of what happened was the death of intimacy between Cara and me. It's not just sexual intimacy that dies, but the other 95% of intimacy that infuses every other thing we do, from making eye contact to a casual touch to sharing a smile to talking about your day. Like it or not, intimacy is the catalyst for love, and without it, there's just a shell. Yes, part of me loves and forgives Cara, but she is no longer my intimate. The hurt and the memories won't allow it.

I still ask the inevitable why? So does everyone else, including Cara. Psychiatrists, psychologists, and behavioral analysts can make educated guesses, but there will never be easy, straightforward, or universal answers to the most compelling questions in our lives. To expect there will be is to presuppose that human nature and the motivation behind it is not subject to the vagaries, contradictions, faults, and feelings that are so endemic to... human nature!

Finally, absolutism and the inability to forgive is, at its basest level, a form of intolerance. Forgiveness of both self and others is what underpins all civilized society. Without forgiveness and tolerance, we are ruled by man's baser instincts, and the underlying principles of enlightened civilization cease to exist. We go from talking about what we have in common to stoning people to death, and if you don't think that's possible, look at the larger, wider world around us.

Condemnant quo non intellegunt. - Anonymous

"For every complex problem, there is an answer that is clear, simple, and wrong." - H. L. Mencken