Andrea Millhouse Pt. 05

___________ 9 ____________

By seven O clock that night, Andrea and I were dancing to the music which was blaring out of Ricky and Brenda's outside stereo system, along with dozens of other couples. The weather for that day had been warm and we had really started to enjoy ourselves as the evening progressed. Everyone had been well fed and there were probably a few hundred people in attendance at the party. Ricky and Brenda did know how to throw a party, I reflected. There were a few other "squares" like Andrea and myself that were also present, most of which were from the old neighborhood. It was good to see everyone from Stony Brook again and catch-up on what everyone was doing now, since the neighborhood had been demolished.

Most of the bikers at the party were simply rebels that liked to ride and party. Many were grey haired, retired "Weekend-warrior" type bikers and although there were some very tough guys in attendance at the party, there really weren't any hard-cases although a few of the party attendees' were discreetly packing iron - carrying gun, I noticed.

For a few hours Andrea and I felt like, we too, were "bikers" and it was fun to dance with total abandon to the "hippy music" which many of us had grown up with. Andrea and I danced until nine PM, whereupon we ducked out of the party and drove away in Brenda's Toyota Camry, which had been our plan to begin with. There were now seventy or eighty Harleys and Indians backed-up along the fence line in a neat row, outside Ricky's trailer.

"Aren't you worried about Long Grey Cloud now, Tim?" Andrea asked as we headed for the sanctity of a quiet hotel.

"Are you kidding? It'd take Patton's Third Army to even get close to the thing, with that many bikers around. I'm, Ricky's big brother, remember Andrea?" I replied.

"That's quite a crowd, there tonight, Tim." Andrea said rubbing her forehead and yawning.

"That's Ricky's world, honey. That party will go on for two days straight, that's how they live - on the edge." I said.

"You never got into the biker scene?" Andrea asked looking over at me now.

"No, Ricky fell into that lifestyle after I had left home. He was working at a machine shop and started building choppers with a guy called 'Tex.' They started being noticed after they sold the third or fourth bike and people started asking if they could build custom bikes for individuals. Ricky has a lot of talent when it comes to metal fabrication and Tex has business sense. Tex is up-river right now but he'll be getting out in a few months and he and Ricky will probably build more bikes, on occasion, apparently there are some orders on the books already from a few people willing to spend quite a lot of money." I replied

"Up-river? Jail, you mean?" Andrea asked.

"Yeah, he's been away, six years. Tex is just now getting square with the world again." I replied as I changed lanes and turned left.

"Sounds interesting. What was the charge?" Andrea asked.

"Tex had an elaborate ponzi scheme involving a phony mortgage company that was allegedly building a ritzy neighborhood for well-to-do retirees, someplace in Mexico. Tex was letting investors 'in on the ground floor' of a nonexistent project and he was doing fairly well at it for a while. It was your typical pump and dump operation. Tex has a gift for gab and knows how to look good on paper. He also kept the operation on a smaller scale, off the Fed's radar, more or less. Tex eventually started doing money transfers over the wire - that's when it becomes a Federal issue. In reality, the only reason he did go-down, was tax evasion. He would have been fine but then he married a thirty year old exotic dancer that liked to spend money, the IRS and Feds suddenly took notice then ...same old story." I sighed.

"I think, I remember reading about that scandal in one of the Real-Estate industry magazines. It was called 'Golden Vista Estates' or something similar. As I recall it had been pretty elaborate and well organized. Weren't there beach-front properties with sail boats and docks on the cover of the brochure? It was about eight years ago, wasn't it?" Andrea asked, looking at me.

"Sounds about right, Andrea, one of his scams was named that as I recall. There were several I think, over the years. He'd walk away and start again when things started getting too hot, usually when too many people started asking for a return on their investments or their money back, all at once." I said.

I knew what Andrea was thinking so I answered without her having to ask.

"In case you're wondering, Ricky never got involved with Tex, other than building motorcycles. Ricky doesn't have a lot of book-sense but he can read people very well and although he likes Tex, he won't do any kind of business dealings with him, other than bikes. Apparently Tex wants to go straight now, so we'll see I guess. Mom never liked the guy" I said.

"I can believe that." Andrea said.

"Like Ricky, Mom was also a very good judge of character." I replied.

"What do you think her feelings on me would have been? I know Ricky doesn't like me." Andrea said.

Andrea then continued by reiterating Ricky's words earlier this afternoon "I don't know, this, Andrea chick, yet. If she's anything like Susan was, then she's not worth a fuck."

Andrea was obviously hurt by the comment.

"Honey, I was going to mention that tonight, once we get a room and settle down for the night. Ricky is slow to trust, and he watched my marriage with Susan fail. Ricky just doesn't want to see me hurt again. Give him time OK, please? As for Mom, she would have adored you. Brenda really likes you and I love you" I said as I leaned over and kissed Andrea as we sat at a stop light now.

"For real, Brenda likes me?" Andrea asked.

"Yes, ever since she saw you cradle the orphaned, Stormy kitty-cat, and fawn over Yogi, that day at the trailer, Brenda's liked you. You're an animal lover so that makes you a good person in her book. I'm being straight-up with you, Andrea." I said

"OK. What Ricky said, really hurt though, Tim." Andrea said wiping a tear from her cheek now.

I kissed Andrea again as the traffic light turned green and we sped off in the Camry.

"Please give him time, OK, Andrea? I'm sorry that your feelings were hurt and I should have been more astute at the moment but I'm used to Ricky's abruptness and it didn't register with me, I'm sorry. Andrea, you're very special to me and I want your happiness above all else, I love you, honey." I said again.

"Why is he like that, so abrupt and cold?" Andrea asked wiping more tears now.

I knew where this conversation was leading us now because we'd been here a few times before. The real issue at hand wasn't about Brenda or Ricky's opinion toward Andrea. Although I knew their opinion of her did matter, the actual issue was something entirely different and I was tired of beating around the bush and avoiding it - all roads lead to Mick, I thought.

Andrea was currently tired and irritable. A party with bikers was a new experience that she wasn't comfortable with, no matter how much she tried to convey otherwise. I also sensed that Ricky had been edgy for some reason, which hadn't helped Andrea's awkward disposition any. Ricky's blunt comment about my relationship with Andrea had been uncalled for but within the context of keeping me out of harm's way and protecting me. In that light, he'd been right - I wasn't a badass and I was glad for his gentle reminder, however humbling it may have seemed at the start of Brenda's party, that afternoon. Presently, now within Brenda's Camry, I knew that Andrea was a bit fatigued. Andrea always lost some composure with fatigue, and with it, her underlying fears sometimes surfaced - fair enough, I thought.

Andrea and I had one rule within our relationship, total honesty. Honesty in the form of "both barrels" however much it hurt. I had stated, upon entering the relationship with Andrea, that I wouldn't play the "silent treatment" game. "When something needs to be discussed, put it on the table and let's deal with it and move-on. If you're a sulking, silent-treatment type of chick, then move-on. I had a marriage like that and I won't go through it again." I had said point-blank. This philosophy, was a double edged sword that cut both ways, so be it.

I presently knew that beneath Andrea's hurt feelings and tears, that she was looking for a fight but I wasn't going to give her one, I wasn't going to play. Yet I wasn't going to sugar coat anything either, I knew she still had fears and self-esteem issues surrounding her former husband and the abrupt ending of her marriage. These fears, I knew, were Andrea's actual concern. Her fears made her wonder if I was cut from the same cloth as Mick and if, I too, would eventually dump her on her ass. Andrea had shown her insecurities when introduced to Tina, this afternoon. I needed to reassure Andrea that I loved her now, even if it first meant ruffling her ego some.

When in fear, Andrea would first try to bulldoze her way through whatever frightened her, if that didn't work, then there would be tears and she'd want to argue to some extent. We were very close to that point now, I knew and I welcomed the chance for growth in our relationship, however messy it got, temporarily. The discomfort would be well worth it in the long run.

"For the same reason that you were so abrupt and cold with my friend Tina, Andrea, and that's simply, fear." I said gently.

"If you want to start fucking another one, just tell me and I'll be on my way, Tim." Andrea said heatedly.

"Andrea - I'm not going to play that game with you. You know that I had no interest in her but she is a decent person and I like her..." I now began saying...

Andrea started to interject something in defiant reply but I abruptly cut her-off.

"Andrea, let me finish. I love you and am more than ready to help you walk through your hurt feelings from the past, which we all have, but I'm not Mick and I'm not going to be blamed for what he did or didn't do in your marriage. That's what this whole 'Ricky / Tina' thing is about, isn't it? You think that no one at the party liked you and that Tina, still somehow, owns part of me and you want to lash-out now, at a surrogate "Mick" - which happens to be me. I won't play that game, Andrea. I also won't blame you for what Susan did or didn't do in my marriage so you need to grow-up a little bit, OK? I'm not with Tina and she doesn't own any part of me, I'm with YOU now and you're with ME, so the slate is clean. Put on your big-girl shoes now and let's make this relationship happen. I'm in love with YOU Andrea Millhouse so buckle-up and let's see where this ride leads us." I said now, in my 'adult' voice.

" (sigh) Tim ...I'm not blaming you for anything that Mick did. I was just ...intimidated by Tina, at first. I had the same feelings in my gut, all of a sudden, that I had when Mick left and I over reacted with Tina. Yes, fear - FUCK YES, FEAR, OK? I'm so fucking, over Mick, but the fear of abandonment was there this afternoon first with Ricky and then with the thought of you and Tina, somehow running off together. ...Incidentally, I talked with Tina some, in the food line at the party and we ironed everything out. She still cares for you, did you know that? As for Ricky, he'll think whatever he wants to. I'll probably never see him more than twice a year, anyway, so who gives a fuck what he thinks?" Andrea replied sniffling and looking out the passenger's side window.

"Andrea, I like Tina but I'll take you, over her, any day of the week. As for Ricky ...I know, how he can be, I grew up with him. He's abrupt and cold; to everyone he meets, because he was ridiculed as a kid. Believe it or not, there was a time when I was actually his protector, even though now, he's protective of me. Growing-up, Ricky was called things like 'retard' and 'fuck-up' by other kids. He became very hardened after a while and as a result, it takes a very long time to penetrate his armor, ask Brenda. She pursued him for three years, just to get one lousy date with him and when she finally did, he didn't pay any attention to her. Ricky can be an obstinate, pampas ass when he wants to be. I love my little brother but I could never share a roof with him again, Andrea." I said wearily.

"What did Brenda do to make him finally like her?" Andrea now asked in a little girl voice.

"She wouldn't give up on him and she didn't try to be anything that she isn't. Just be yourself, around him, Andrea. He's a good guy but very slow to trust. Please just let it go and accept this about him, OK? The two of you will grow to love each other, I'm serious. Right now I need you to trust me, on this, please." I replied.

"I trust you." Andrea said, closing her eyes and running a hand through her hair.

"Andrea, a party with bikers isn't where you belong. I should never have brought you in the first place, I'm sorry that I made you uncomfortable by bringing you. ...Ricky's preoccupied with something right now, something is amiss and I don't know what it is. Maybe the fact that Tex is getting out of the joint. Ricky may be wondering if Tex will try to free-load off of him and Brenda, once he gets back out on the street, I don't know." I said making a right hand turn with the Camry.

"I'm not a wall flower, Tim; I'm pretty resilient and have dealt with some tough clients over the years." Andrea said defiantly.

"Honey, I know that but you're also a lady and you should be treated like one. Taking you there today wasn't a good idea on my part." I sighed.

"What else convinced Ricky to like Brenda?" Andrea asked, looking out the passenger's window of the Camry.

"She's a great lay, Ricky says." I replied as Andrea and I both laughed.

Andrea and I were silent for a while. I reached over and took her hand and squeezed it a little. Andrea squeezed my hand in return, a good sign, I reflected.

"I don't know who Mick replaced you with but she doesn't measure up to you, Andrea. Mick fucked himself when he dumped you. He should have known that there'd be fifty guys like me, standing around waiting to sweep you off your feet." I said with conviction.

"Sweep me off my feet, you did indeed. I've never had a man that was as straight forward as you are, without being oppressive about it." Andrea replied with as much conviction.

"And I've never had a woman that could be as honest and courageous in regard to taking a good hard, honest look at herself, Andrea. It's going to work, honey." I said in reference to our relationship.

"Ricky and Brenda are bikers but they don't do drugs?" Andrea suddenly asked after a silence.

"No ...when Ricky was a kid the quacks had him on all kinds of crap. Finally, when he got big enough, he refused to even go see them any longer. He's not on anything now, prescription or otherwise, and won't go near the stuff - hates it. Brenda's seen too many young addicts die in the E.R. so she feels the same." I replied pulling up to a three star hotel and switching-off the Camry.

It was nine twenty five PM now and I wanted a room, a shower and a good dinner someplace with Andrea. We got out of the Camry and locked the car. I walked over to Andrea's side of the car and pulled her close and kissed her softly.

"I'm in love with you, Andrea Millhouse." I said.

"I know." She replied quietly.

"Give Ricky some time, OK? Before long he'll be bragging on you, mark my words, honey." I said

"I trust you." Andrea replied, as I held her and wiped away a tear from her cheek.

"Are we good?" I asked, meaning have we cleared the air between us?

"Yeah, we're good, babe. Let's get a hotel room now and then we'll go out and eat, I want to show you-off in your new sport coat and slacks." Andrea said as I continued to hold her.

_____________ 10 ______________

I suddenly looked into the face that had haunted me for years ...a ghost. I thought of the tears I had once shed and all of the night's sleep I had lost over the face. At one point in time I had even considered shoving a loaded pistol into my mouth because of the eyes which I now looked into. I had dreaded this very day, when we would meet again, yet I unexpectedly felt neither wrath nor empathy, I felt nothing.

The thousands of miles that I had bicycled within the last few years and the recent work to my lower eye lids suddenly paid for themselves within a single heartbeat now. The sixteen hundred dollars which I had spent at the men's store in Phoenix with Andrea and Gail suddenly seemed a small pittance.

I looked sharp and I knew it.

...The blue eyes were older now; yet they couldn't hold my unwavering gaze. The thick, wavy, auburn mane was still worn like a coveted crown, to be envied; only I no longer coveted or envied it. Moving back my chair, I stood now, but only out of my own personal pride. I was still a gentleman. There would be no olive branch of sentimental hugs or even a handshake offered from me, we weren't friends.

The face which I would have died for was still seemingly young and fresh and the once proud cheekbones were still prominent ...but the face and the eyes had no heart. The face was just an empty shell as it had always been. The wedding band which I had proudly placed upon her finger during my youth, before God, family and friends had been replaced now with another, more expensive one. The woman I had once loved and hated stood before me now and I wouldn't have taken her back on her best day, with or without Andrea Millhouse in my life.

All at once, now, I seemingly felt my mother's presence come beside me and the aura of her hand rest upon my back as I looked, unflinchingly, into the blue eyes. I could also feel a gentle reining-in of my heart and Mom's seeming whisper into my ear - please, be gentle.

"Hello Susan" I said, as I remained standing.

She said nothing.

"I'd like you to meet Andrea." I said, sweeping my hand.

"...You look well, Tim." Susan said, ignoring Andrea.

"I am, Susan. Won't, the two of you join us, please?" I asked, gesturing to the table and knowing she would decline. - In translation, my offer had meant "fuck-you, Susan, I have Andrea now, come and get an eye full of her."

"We can't, I saw you when you entered the restaurant and just wanted to convey my condolences for Lovey." She lied.

I said nothing.

"...I hope there's, no hard feelings, between us, Tim." She suddenly said, looking at me.

For the first time, ever, I abruptly realized that it wasn't me that was a fucked-up mess, as I'd always believed, it was Susan herself. She had astounding good-looks yet possessed absolutely nothing else in the way of compassion or heart. She was shallow, demanding, and narcissistic and had discarded me as garbage in favor of wealth and prestige and she had gotten it. Susan had always needed to be recognized as part of the in-crowd and I'd proven a dismal failure to her in this regard. I was over it now, and could see her for what she really was, a fraud.

"It was a long time ago, Susan." I replied.

"You look well, Tim." she said again.

"God be with you, Susan." I said to her.

With this statement my heart was all at once open, and I could suddenly see the naked loneliness and total dissatisfaction with life in general, within her eyes. I suddenly took pity on Susan and realized that I really did want peace for her.

Susan said nothing in reply, then turned and walked away from me. I made brief eye contact with Irwin and gave a curt nod of my head as he helped Susan into an expensive leather duster, a few tables away. Without looking at Andrea, I sat down again and watched the couple leave the restaurant. Susan had her expensive house and jewelry now and Irwin had his plastic show-piece wife, so be it.

I felt as if Mom's presence quietly left me now with a nod of approval, which I felt in my heart. I unexpectedly felt clean inside and knew that I had been a gentleman in my way of handling the situation. The slate was clear now, and I was at peace with the universe somehow.