Are You Tiffani Caine? Ch. 03

The first topic of conversation for the four friends was Kait's fresh bandage on her left forearm. She had been sloppy the day before while working in the studio, and molten glass had landed just above the top of the protective gloves she wore. She had picked up a small second-degree burn and certainly a scar for her carelessness, but she didn't seem bothered by either; an artisanal glassblower learned to be philosophical about scars and pain.

Emma was a little frustrated because her coworker had called in sick (again!) the night before, leaving her to handle the Friday night bar duties by herself; she had run her ass ragged trying to keep up and left the place so tired that she barely made it home OK. At least the tips were good.

After the meal the four adjourned to the kitchen; Sara made up leftover plates for everyone to take home and stashed them in the fridge while Amy washed the dishes and Kait dried them and put them away; Emma provided moral support. The conversation was relaxed-but-not, the sort of brittle casualness where everyone knows things are about to take a very serious turn very shortly. With kitchen work done and refreshments refilled, they all went to the living room. Sara and Amy took up the loveseat while Kait claimed the easy chair that Isaac loved so much. For her part, Emma unceremoniously tossed some dirty clothes from the sofa onto the floor and stretched out, propped up on one arm.

Sara assumed she would feel very nervous about telling her best friends her darkest secret, but now that the time had come, she found she felt strangely calm and resolute; she wondered if this was how she might feel on death row when they came to walk her Spanish to the chamber. Well, a girl could hope. She cleared her throat and said, "First of all, I wanted to thank you all for coming. I needed you all here for this and to have you...well, it means a lot."

The Musketrixes assured her that they were there for her no matter what, of course.

"There, um, there's a possibility that this may be the last time some of you talk to me," she said quietly. "If what I'm about to tell you us too much, then I want you to know how much your friendship has meant to me over the past seven years. I wouldn't have made it this far without you. I mean that. So thank you."

"I can't imagine you saying anything that would shake any of us out of loving you," Amy assured her, reaching over to squeeze her hand.

"We're here for you," Kait assured her, and Emma echoed.

Well, here went nothing. "None of you know why I joined Holy Light. I wasn't just lost. I wasn't just questioning or looking for a purpose. I wasn't just wanting a place to fit in. I was suicidal because of something I'd done just a few weeks before.

"My first year of college, I met a guy. His name was Adam Bristow. He was a year ahead of me, a chemistry major. He was hot and funny and nice. We hit it off right away. He's the one I lost my virginity to."

"The name sounds familiar," Kait said. "I can't place it though. I hung around with some chem people, maybe I met him?"

"Maybe," Sara conceded. "Or you might remember him from...something else. Anyway, we were together almost my whole freshman year. Just hookups at first, but neither of us was hooking up with anyone else and the hookups kept getting more frequent so we eventually just admitted we were dating. It was fun. He was fun."

She paused to take a drink of water before continuing. "We decided to spend summer break in Florida. Neither of us had much money so we basically planned to bum around, eat cheap, sleep cheap, slip into parties when we could. We got pretty good at scamming free drinks, and if we needed to get from one place to another we would catch rides with other college students down there for the same thing."

"Sounds dangerous," Kait observed.

"I guess it was. We were...well, I was 19 and he was 20. At that age you think you're going to live forever. But honestly it went really well. We had a blast for almost the whole summer. Almost.

"The second Friday of August, we were down in Naples, near Fort Meyers. There was a party, and the people who were there were rich, like Ferrari and Lambo rich. We had absolutely no business being there, but we slipped in and were hobnobbing, grabbing champagne and cocktails off passing trays, eating hors d'oeuvres, just kind of being dazzled by the kind of people who wear fifty thousand dollars in diamonds to a beach party. We were just expecting to be thrown out at any second, but until then we were going to have fun.

"There was this couple we started talking to - Ernesto and Connie Cisneros. They were older, like he was in his mid fifties and she was in her late forties. He was in construction and she was...I don't know, whatever wives of rich men do. But they were extremely nice, and when someone finally spotted us and came to give us the bum rush, Ernesto said we were with them. We ended up spending the night with them."

"Like...spending the night?" Amy asked.

"No no, just spending time with them at the party. We hit it off with them really well. Connie said that they had met each other while they were doing basically what we were doing, before Ernesto got rich. They were nice, fun to be with. It was just a good time.

"Anyway, they said that they were taking their yacht out the next afternoon and they invited us to go with them, keep the party going. Neither of us had ever been on a yacht so we said yes. They even gave us money for a hotel that night, but we couldn't find anywhere with a vacancy so we just kept it and slept on the beach like we did half the time."

"Sounds pretty great so far," Emma observed.

"It was," Sara nodded. "Anyway at breakfast the next day I started getting second thoughts. It wasn't that I didn't like the Cisneroses or got any bad vibes, it was just that there was this amazing festival show happening that night up in Sarasota and I wanted to go to it. Adam and I argued a bit, nothing serious, he just wanted to do the yacht thing because, like, there were festival shows every weekend down there, but this was the only time we were going to be on a yacht. He left it up to me to decide and I wanted to make him happy, so I agreed with him. We decided to go on the boat.

"It was kind of crazy because here we were, just a couple of college kids sun-bumming it up and down the state and suddenly we're walking down this pier lined with yachts. They weren't like these rap video mega-yachts, but they were real yachts. It was nuts, just...I don't know, I started feeling like...impostor syndrome? Like we were going to get there and they were just going to laugh at us for thinking they wanted us on their boat.

"But that's not what happened. Their yacht was like...60 feet? Something like that. Long enough to be really impressive to me, anyway. Ernesto was there to welcome us and he hugged us both, all glad that we could make it. Connie was a really good cook, she had laid in a fresh...red grouper, I think? Anyway, she was going to cook it for dinner."

"It was just them on the ship?" Kait asked. "No other crew?"

"Just them. Ernesto liked to drive or whatever you do to a boat. Connie was the hostess. It was just me and Adam as guests and we were easy to impress, so there was no need for waiters or anything. We were just thrilled to be there.

"And at first it was great. We went out into the Gulf and headed south, like out past the Everglades and toward the straits. Ernesto got out the fishing rods, Connie got out the booze. We all had a good buzz on before dinner."

"So...why did they ask you two?" Amy asked. "Why you specifically?"

"Because they liked us," Sara replied with a shrug. "If there was another reason, I never found it out. They were just nice people.

"Anyway, they had some marijuana. We smoked. It was very powerful and just a couple hits made the world go Technicolor for me. I got absolutely ravenous too, I remember Connie kept feeding me whatever snacks they had on the boat. Between that and the tequila I was pretty messed up by the time the sun went down and we had dinner. I wasn't incapacitated, but I wasn't...I wasn't right, you know?"

"Was that the first time you had weed?" Emma asked.

"No, I mean I wasn't Christian then, I did things. I had it a few times before we went down to Florida, and it was around when we were bumming around and partying. I never did it much and, you know, we were kids, we had cheap stuff. The stuff Ernesto gave us was very strong.

"Anyway, we ate dinner and drank wine, and we had more tequila and smoked more. And this is where things get really fuzzy for me. I was a lightweight even back then when I drank fairly often, and this was just way more than I was used to. But I was having fun and didn't want to stop, and so was Adam. The last thing I remember for a while was him and I dancing do this Cuban music, some kind of jazz bop.

"The next thing I remember is wondering where a big cut on my hand came from and why I was covered in blood, and then Connie telling me Adam was dead...and that I had killed him."

The silence in the room was absolutely deafening, and the expressions on her friends' faces were a mixture of dismay and bewilderment. Oddly, though, Sara felt no inclination to stop - finally telling this to someone was a gigantic relief.

"Adam and I went below decks at some point. I guess we were too messed up to be on deck where we could fall overboard. There was a fresh bag of weed down there and more booze. Connie was with us for a while but she left us alone because she thought we were about to...you know, fool around, and she wanted to give us privacy.

"After that it's all just what we could piece together. Connie and Ernesto heard screaming, kind of...incoherent, both me and Adam, but neither of us were making sense. Then there was a crash and breaking glass, and by the time Connie got back to us, she found me and Adam all tangled up with each other - he had his hands around my throat trying to choke me, and she saw me pick up a piece of a broken bottle and start slashing at him. She couldn't get us apart, we were like wild animals, and she said that my face was purple and my eyes were bugging out when I slashed Adam's throat open. He bled to death on top of me."

"Fuck," Emma whispered, eyes huge.

After a moment, Amy asked, "What happened? Don't you have any idea?"

Sara shook her head. "Nothing certain, I don't remember anything and nobody saw it start. Both Connie and Ernesto were sure it was the new bag of weed we'd opened. They'd gotten it from someone other than their regular dealer, and they said it must have been laced with something weird and way too powerful for us to handle, especially because we were already messed up when we opened it.

"Anyway, from the way everything looked, they said they thought Adam must have attacked me - my face was bruised pretty badly, like he'd punched me a few times. He'd definitely thrown me around some because the cabin was a mess and so was I, I was bruised all over and cut up pretty good. My clothes were a shambles. Connie had heard Adam shouting first, so she was pretty sure he had started it, but...well, I don't know.

"This was really bad for them as much as for me. Regardless of who did what to whom, there was an under-21 corpse on their boat because of alcohol and illegal drugs they'd given us. They were in it as much as I was. I mean, they faced the death penalty. Same as me."

There was a pause then before Kait asked, "What happened? I mean...were you arrested?"

Sara shook her head. "No, then things get even crazier. I told you that Ernesto was in construction? Well you don't get rich in construction in South Florida without being in with some pretty dangerous criminals, like gang types, maybe the Mob, I don't know. I'm not sure what he did for them - money laundering, probably - but it turns out his 'friends' owed him some favors. There were some really scary guys waiting for us when we got back to the dock. They took Adam's body...and then they looked at me.

"I was the weak link, you see. If I disappeared, then there would be no reason to believe that anything happened on the yacht at all. Those guys told Ernesto that everything would be easier if they killed me too, but both Ernesto and Connie said no way. They saved my life even though it put them in danger. They actually were nice people.

"Anyway, not long after that a couple of cops showed up - they were crooked, very crooked. They told me 'what had happened': that Adam had been depressed and erratic lately, that he had falsely accused me of cheating on him, that we had a verbal argument that ended in him hitting me, and that he jumped off the boat and ran away as soon as we docked. They made me say it over and over again, I don't know how many times, but I memorized it so I could tell it close to the same way every time."

"What...um...what happened to Adam's body?" Amy asked.

"Over the next couple of days, the cops...'uncovered a series of witnesses that let them reconstruct what Adam did after he left the boat,' to use their phrase. There was the night watchman at the marina who said he saw Adam running out onto the street looking very upset, a trucker who said Adam hitched a ride to Jacksonville and talked about killing himself because of what he'd done to me, a diner waitress who said she saw Adam in Jacksonville the next day. His body was officially discovered in an alley behind an office building the next Monday morning - they made it look like he jumped and landed head first, I guess, so that his wounds wouldn't be identified. It didn't really matter because they owned the coroner too, who said it was definitely a suicide. And that was that. There couldn't be an open casket, and his family had him cremated down there and picked up the ashes.

"I was in shock about the whole thing at first. When I got back his mom talked to me about what had happened, and I told her what the police had told me to say. I guess she bought it. They didn't ask me to come to the funeral."

"I...wow," Emma said, sitting up. "I can't believe you went through that."

Kait looked pensive as she asked, "How sure is Connie that Adam attacked you and not the other way around?"

"As sure as she could be - at least that's what she told me. Adam didn't have any injuries except the ones she saw me give him when he was choking me, but I was beat up pretty badly. She said there was no way she could get him off me, and that he was right on the edge of killing me when I finally...when I finally cut him. Even as he was bleeding to death he was trying to kill me. That's what she said, but I don't know. I don't remember anything."

"It sounds to me like you were defending yourself, trying to keep from being murdered," Emma said.

"I can't fault you for that no matter how fucked up you were." Kait nodded thoughtfully.

"And this is why you're being blackmailed," Emma said.

Kait's and Amy's eyes widened and they said in unison, "You're being blackmailed?"

"A few weeks ago I was contacted by someone out of the blue," Sara said. "He said he had proof of what had happened, enough to send me to prison in Florida. Pictures, video, like...affidavits or something."

"But what does he actually have?" Kait asked. "What did he show you?"

"Ummm...pictures from Adam's phone of me and him," Sara said slowly. "Like on the day of the...well, the day he died. And I think from a couple of days before too."

"And there were pictures of what happened?" Kait pressed.

"Well...no, I didn't see any of those, but he said he had them."

"Girl...he might not have anything!" Kait protested. "He might just be playing you to get money."

"He...he, um, isn't blackmailing me for money," Sara said softly. "He's making me do things."

"Like what kind of things?" Kait asked. "Illegal things?"

"I...well, no, not really. I mean, kind of, yes, but..."

"Maybe you'd better explain everything," Amy said gently.

Sara sighed. There was no way around it. She explained about the first contacts and having to give Man-Bun a series of blowjobs, and how Emma helped. She explained the weird underwear thing and how she had to nigh-bankrupt herself buying lingerie. She explained Rachel, the drinks, the kissing, the movie night, the brownies - and she explained the lesbian sex.

"Damn," Emma breathed, "I didn't know the last part."

"I'm just...so ashamed of myself," Sara moaned. "It's not just that I did it voluntarily - I did it eagerly and I loved it."

"Well, so...you're bi," Amy said. "It's not a big deal."

"I think most people are," Emma opined. "I know I am. Always have been, always will be."

"It's nothing to get upset about," Kait said. "No matter what Holy Light says. You're still the same person as you were before you did it with her, you just know more about yourself now."

"I'm still a murderer," Sara whispered.

"You did what you did in self-defense," Amy said. "That seems obvious."

"A reasonable prosecutor would see it that way," Kait said.

"Well...maybe at first," Emma said slowly. "But now, after seven years and an illegal coverup - not that the coverup was your doing, but still - I think things would look different."

"And it's Florida. A prosecutor there would jump at the chance to try this," Amy said. "And even at the time, there would have been aggravating circumstances, right? This happened under the influence of an illegal narcotic, and even if it hadn't, you were still underage to be drinking. A prosecutor could spin that any way they wanted to."

Sara could only nod and say, "Yeah. Maybe I should turn myself in. That would at least end it."

"Why didn't you turn yourself in then?" Emma asked. "You were all torn up, so why wait?"

"I was going to, not long after I joined Holy Light," Sara said. "I was saved. What happened to my body didn't matter. Tom Carbonaro talked me out of it."

"Tom did?" asked three voices at once. Tom Carbonaro had been the assistant pastor at Holy Light before he dropped dead at the age of 36 while shoveling his elderly neighbor's driveway after a blizzard a couple years after the girls joined the church - just in time for Isaac to get home from missionary service and take over the assistant pastor role.

"I talked to him about it - Pastor John was just too intimidating to me back then. In fact we talked about it three times, just making sure I was ready to die for what I did. I wasn't enthusiastic about dying, but I was prepared to accept it. But then he asked me what good it would do. I had accepted my guilt and begged forgiveness from the Lord, I had changed my life and become a good Christian, I was helping people. I was doing my best to obey God's laws every single day.

"And there was something else I hadn't thought about: the Bristow family. Tom explained that they thought Adam had died because he was a romantic soul, maybe mentally troubled, who had gotten violent in an argument with a girl he loved and couldn't handle the guilt. That was bad enough, but it would be much worse if they knew he had flipped out from drugs and tried to murder his girlfriend and had to be killed to stop him. It would be tearing open a wound that had just begun to heal and 'squeezing a lemon into it,' to use his phrase. He said that staying alive and serving Jesus was a better use of the second life the Lord had given me."

Now that she was saying it out loud for the first time, it struck Sara that it was less a reason to not turn herself in than a rationalization, but it had made sense to her at the time. The girls, at least, didn't seem to reject it. Emma said, "It wouldn't help them to know now, anyway. It would put them right back to square one."

"I guess...I guess if I were in the family and it was my brother we were talking about, I'd rather let sleeping dogs lie," Kait said, though she seemed troubled by the whole idea. Sara couldn't blame her. "It's just an ugly situation no matter how you look at it."