As You Wish

"Why don't you buy it?" I asked as we drove home.

She gave me an incredulous look. "Me? Buy a ranch?"

"You seem happy there," I said, and that was it for the conversation.

It wasn't the last of her thinking about it, though. A few weeks later, she used a good chunk of her trust fund to buy the ranch off the Collips and told Misha that she was handing in her resignation, for real this time, but that she would consider volunteering some of her time to run a horseback riding program for the Wish Mission. The ranch brought in a decent enough income from boarding and riding lessons, but Noreen's dad helped her invest into making it a profitable business with programs and camps and event rentals. She was doing well enough that she'd hired on employees to handle most of the day-to-day things so she could spend more of her time with the Wish Mission kids.

On her last day of work at the Wish Mission, I'd stopped by for lunch. Part of it was to make sure Misha hadn't managed to talk her into staying for another day or two or three-hundred-and-sixty, and part of it was because I'd had a job interview a few blocks away. I had been trying to find work for a few weeks at that point, mostly because I felt like I was floating. Not that life didn't have meaning anymore. It was just that life had changed. I wasn't a dad anymore and for so long, that was all I'd been that I didn't... well.

I wasn't sure what to do with my life. I could do manual labour and it would pay the bills, but it wasn't... I dunno. Fulfilling.

So I was trying to slowly ease myself back into the workforce, but not a lot of places were willing to go for a guy who had such a huge gap in his work history. The Wish Mission, however, was more than understanding.

I was wearing dress pants and a shirt when I walked in.

"Wow, you clean up nice, Jeremy," Kennedy had said just as Misha and Noreen walked up. "Special occasion?"

"Uh, thanks," I replied. "No, I just had a job interview."

"How did it go?" Noreen asked, reaching up to kiss my cheek.

I grimaced and half-shrugged. "It... went. Probably nowhere."

Misha looked at me, then at Noreen, then back at me.

"Jeremy, how do you feel about granting wishes?"

Noreen was concerned at first. I think she thought it would hit too close to home or that it would open up wounds that hadn't quite healed after Ethan passed.

I can't explain why I felt called to it. Yes, the Wish Mission had changed my life. She had changed my life. Going through this cycle when I'd been through it on the other side seemed insane.

But somehow, it felt necessary.

It felt like I could help.

Like I could be there to show people you could get through it. That there is hope. Happiness. Joy, even amongst the pain. That it's hard, and it hurts like hell, and that you never get that piece of you back... but that the piece of you never really leaves.

Even five years later, I feel him in so many things. In laughter and in tears. In the patterned scarves of old women that reminded me of the bandana he'd worn that one day. In chicken fingers and fries and in stuffed toy dogs clutched in the hands of kids. In the stain of grape juice on the carpet of my living room floor, up until the day Noreen helped me pack up the rest of my apartment so I could move in with her since I'd been basically living there anyway.

I felt him there the day I proposed to her. His smile, his excitement, the way I was sure he would declare "Finally!" just like Mom and Shayla did. I felt him there on our wedding day, cheering along with my family as she and I were declared husband and wife. Knowing he loved Noreen, knowing he would have been happy, I felt him there.

He would have been so happy.

Even so, there's so much I wish I would have thought to ask before he started again. Things I couldn't think of at the time, things I wouldn't have dreamed would be a possibility.

I wish I would have thought to ask him if he wanted Spike to stay with him after he passed. I tucked the little dog in next to him, but part of me broke while I was doing it. Part of me wanted to keep that piece of him.

I wish I would have hugged him more. Not because I didn't hug him enough, but because how can there ever be too many hugs?

I wish I would have asked him how he would feel if he had a sibling.

No one tells you how horrifically conflicted you'll feel thinking about having another kid after losing one. No one warns you about the gentle way your wife will bring it up, not because she's trying to pressure you but because she just wants to know, is it something that we can talk about? And no one will warn you about the way the words will freeze in your throat because the answer is yes and no and what if and no and guilt, guilt, guilt.

Nobody tells you it's the one thing you and your wife will let come between you. That you'll know she's talking about it with her therapist and that you should probably see someone to talk about it, too, but that you just can't. No one will tell you that when you finally open up about it, one member of your family will agree with you and another will disagree, and that nobody truly knows what's going on in your heart.

And nobody in the entire fucking world knows how lucky you are. How your wife is patient and understanding. How even though you haven't answered, you can't answer, she's still there. She still loves you. She still gently brings it up, just to check in, and then gently kisses your forehead and tells you she'll be there when you're ready, and that she'll love you regardless of if you say yes or no.

That she just wants to know, and you can't tell her yes or no because you're scared it will feel like you're replacing Ethan.

**

Kennedy gets Gavin to my office so we can discuss his wish. He's as excited about the horseback riding as his parents thought he would be, though he's almost more excited about the fact that his sister can come.

"Jamie loves horses," he tells me matter-of-factly. "We once went to this event at like, a park thing, and they had these ponies and they walked around in circles. Is that like what they have at the ranch?"

I shake my head. "Nope, these are big horses and you go on rides through the field and stuff."

He looks positively giddy and grins at his parents. I try to remember if I was ever so excited to spend time with my sister when I was around his age.

I ask Grace to arrange a time for the Durants to come to the ranch with Gavin and Jamie, then spend the rest of the day in my office with the door closed. Gavin's wish is to visit the set of his favourite TV show. Not overly complicated, and after nearly five years of wish-granting, I get the preparations together with an almost boring sense of ease.

Noreen calls just before lunchtime.

"Must be a busy day," she says.

"Why's that?" I ask.

"Getting your receptionist to book people in?" she replies. "Too busy to call your wife to do it yourself? Should I be worried? Do I need to break out that lingerie set you like to remind you how good you have it?"

I chuckle, knowing she's joking. "Maybe I just knew my exquisitely beautiful wife would make me think work-inappropriate thoughts and I didn't want to spend my entire day with blue balls since I know she's staying at the ranch late tonight."

"Hmm. Good point. Okay, I won't make you think about the lingerie."

"Too late." I close the spreadsheet I'm working on and lean back in my chair. "You might have to put it on for me tonight. You know, to make up for it."

She laughs, a beautiful sound that almost makes me drop everything so I can play hooky and drive out to the ranch. "Maybe. We'll see how late I get home. Tell me about the kids."

"Gavin's the Wish kid," I say. "Twelve years old, kinda nerdy. Loves music, movies, and watching TV. His sister is Jamie. Loves horses. Her mom says she's having a hard time with Gavin being sick. Protective of him, you know."

She makes a soft, sympathetic sound. "That's sweet in the saddest way."

Long after the Durants are gone and my call with Noreen is over, I find myself thinking about Gavin and Jamie. I can't quite put my finger on why.

The rest of the day passes slowly. I have a handful of clients right now and I know the work I'm doing is important, but I'm stuck in a lull of paperwork and red tape. If someone had told me when I first started that I'd eventually get bored, even with the mass amounts of work, I wouldn't have believed them. Noreen warned me to watch out for a loss of empathy, since that's when she realized she was burnt out, but so far, that hasn't happened. I'm still desperately eager to help as many people as I can and I still feel the pain of each loss.

And I still want to be here.

I still want to make wishes come true.

When I finish work, I go home, but I'm restless. TV holds no interest. The internet seems bland. Reading doesn't have an appeal. I want something, but I don't know what. I make a bologna sandwich for an early dinner, then wash the knife and plate I use before wandering to the bedroom Noreen and I share. There's a stack of clean laundry on the chair and I pick it up, mindlessly putting things away. When I go to tuck a pair of socks into the underwear drawer, I stumble across the lingerie set she'd been teasing me with earlier and wonder if maybe I'm restless because I'm horny.

I could do something logical like jack off, but instead, I take the lingerie out of the drawer and find my backpack in the closet. Tucking it inside, I quickly pack a few overnight essentials, then grab the bag and get into my truck.

There's a house at the ranch that Noreen and I sometimes stay in. It's not the main house that the Collips used to live in; that's rented to the on-site stable manager. When Noreen first bought the ranch, I renovated it a bit, turning it into a sort of cottage we could use as a weekend retreat. We use it for that sometimes, but mostly Noreen uses it when she needs a break. There's a fridge she keeps her lunch in and a place for her to do paperwork away from the bustle of the stable office.

That's where I head when I get to the ranch.

Her car is parked in front of it. I park behind her, not that I need to block her in; it's not like she'd head back home after seeing my truck parked there. Then I let myself into the cottage and place Noreen's lingerie right near the door, go to the bedroom, and strip down to my boxers before climbing into bed to watch TV.

It's not too much longer before I hear the front door of the cottage open. A pause, then a slight chuckle. She says nothing, but I hear the bathroom door close and the shower turn on.

She appears in the bedroom door, squeaky clean and clad in lace as the light silhouettes her perfect figure. I flick the TV off, drinking in the sight before me.

"Didn't want to risk me getting home too late, huh?" she asks.

"Didn't want you driving home in the dark after a long, hard day on the ranch," I say innocently. "I was just being thoughtful."

"Oh, thoughtful, is it?" she asks, stepping into the room slowly. "It has nothing to do with something else that might be long and hard?"

"Aw, babe," I say, pretending to be flattered. "You really think it's long?"

She laughs and I can't speak to the 'long' part of it, but the sight of her smiling and the perfect breasts beneath the dark lace of her lingerie definitely makes it hard. She climbs onto the bed and crawls into my lap, kissing me fiercely as I explore her body.

There's not a lot of fabric between us, so I can feel the flush of her skin as I touch her. She shivers as I brush her nipples, then moans when I dip my head down and suck them through the insubstantial fabric of her bra. Her hands trail down my arms, light fingertips tracing patterns along my bicep. A slight shift of her body brings her lace-covered pussy over the bulge in my boxers and I groan in appreciation as she settles herself onto me, rolling her hips and grinding against my throbbing erection.

Whenever she wears this set, I can't bring myself to take it off her. Noreen is beautiful. Regardless of if she's dressed in dirty jeans and plaid shirts or the gorgeous dresses she wears on date nights. Regardless of if she's clothed or naked, wearing lace or cotton, in old sweatpants or in this, my favourite set of lingerie, she's beautiful. But the way this looks on her... fuck.

I love looking at her in this.

She knows this as well as I do. She knows the moment she tugs on my boxers that we're moving from heated kisses and teasing caresses to me sliding her panties to the side so I can fuck her. I help her remove them, then she settles herself onto her back and bites her lip as she looks at me. Grinning, I roll towards the nightstand, grab a condom...

And I stop.

I stop.

"Jere?" Noreen asks after I freeze.

I stare at the packet in my hand, heart racing and mind swirling.

The bed shifts as she sits up and her voice is concerned and urgent. "Jeremy, what's wrong?"

Like life in slow motion, I turn, tearing my eyes off the packet. They trail up her body, to her collarbone, to her neck and chin and nose and then finally, meeting her eyes.

"What if..." I say, then stop before trying again. "What if we... tried?"

She looks down at the condom, then up at me. "When?"

I mirror her glance: down at the condom, up at her.

"Now?" she asks.

"Yes."

She bites her lip, then reaches forward and takes the condom from me. "Are you sure?"

"Yes."

She guides me onto my back and crawls onto my lap, lips barely leaving mine as she positions herself over me and holds her panties to the side. When I slip inside her, we both sigh, her breath hot against my lips. I hold her, arms tight around her waist as she rolls her hips. When she comes, I feel her tighten around me, the rush of her orgasm more than I can handle.

Holding her close, I bury my face against her neck as I come inside my wife.

**

Ethan would have been ecstatic to be a big brother.

I know this as deeply as I know I will never stop loving him. I know it as deeply as I know I love Noreen. I know it with a confidence I wish I could have about everything.

The guilt and worry and fear never quite fade. Always, I will wonder if people are judging me and Noreen. Always, I will worry that our child will feel like they have to live up to a brother they never knew.

Always, I will hope I can be a good enough dad that they won't feel that way.

At the same time, I refuse to insult Ethan's memory by pretending he didn't exist. But the space between honouring him and overshadowing another child is narrow. Always, I will be afraid that I've stepped out of that space and hurt someone in the process.

Even as I bring Noreen to the hospital when she goes into labour, I worry. Even then, even with little religion in my life, I pray. I hold her hand as she pushes and I wait, anticipating the moment when we become parents.

Except, I realize, we already are.

The things that go through a mind during grief don't always make sense. As many times as I told myself that Ethan's death meant I wasn't a dad anymore, I was wrong. I forced myself to say it because it was less painful. Only, I never believed it, did I? I never stopped being Ethan's dad, no more than Ethan stopped being my son.

I am a dad. Noreen may not have been Ethan's mom, but she was as close as he ever got before he started again.

I try to think of what my son would say if I'd asked him while he was alive. I think of that day on the pirate ship in Spain, when Noreen was still so new in our lives, and how easily he extended the concept of family to her. I think of how he reached out and brought her in, accepted her, loved her like she'd always been a part of us.

And when I do, I believe with every bit of me that he would have been so, so excited to meet his sister.

**

Cheryl and Jason would like to thank Nora Fares for proofreading as well as the other awesome authors who beta-read and provided feedback. Special thanks to Paul M, Kevin Matheny, centralsquareguy, KW, AG, PM, N, ED, KJ, MidNyt, RP, and Christian Sonberg.