Au Revoir Mon Amour

I took swabs of the kids' saliva and one of my own. Dropped the samples off at the clinic; next was a visit to the bank to open my own personal checking account. I called to tell Janice I had an emergency repair for an important customer down in L.A. and that I would be gone for two or three days. Instead I booked a flight to the Keys to meet the father-in-law that I never met before. I realized how for the first time in my life lies were rolling off my tongue, I can't say the deceitfulness was pleasant, but for now it seemed necessary.

I called my buddy Fred from the airport while waiting for my flight. I needed his prospective if my own marriage went down the same road. Fred was at work and couldn't really get into it so we made plans to get together when I returned from Florida. He swore himself to secrecy regarding our discussion.

Larry Adonios ran a charter fishing boat out of Key Largo. He was surprised to get my phone call but didn't seem as surprised when I asked him if we could meet to talk. He blocked out an afternoon for us based on my anticipated arrival. I flew into Miami, rented a car and a hotel room to spend the night before driving down to his marina the next day.

Larry pulled his boat into the dock straight up at noon. His two customers walked off the boat each with a string of fish. Larry was a good looking man; 5'11" slim with a full head of grey hair and the deep tan of a Greek fisherman. He looked around before recognizing me -- Janice must have sent him our Christmas card with the family photo -- he walked over and put his hand out to shake mine.

"Nice to meet you Simon, I'm assuming this isn't a pleasure visit." Not a man to mince words.

I gave him a quick rundown on why I was there.

"Wait a minute, Penny told you that Henry was her brother?" Larry asked the question and was having a hard time keeping a smile from his face. "He's not her brother, he's her 'on again-off again' lover and the reason we're not still married. Everyone thinks I was a big asshole for leaving my family, but let me tell you why I'm here in Key Largo."

Larry told me his tale of woe.

"Janice started playing basketball in grade school and by the time she was in high school was good enough to make the traveling AAU team. It was a bit of a strain financially for us because I insisted that her mother travel with her and act as a chaperone. We thought it would be worth it if Janice could get a college scholarship. So I stayed home and put in the overtime while Janice and Penny spent at least two weekends a month away.

"I really didn't worry about Penny being gone because I had a good relationship with Janice and I assumed she'd be keeping an eye out and would let me know if her mom was starting to show any interest in one of the fathers. And for the first year I think everything was fine.

"But the second year things went sideways. The elite boys' and girls' squads began to travel together more often, sometimes as often as twice a month. Janice took an interest in one of the boys on their elite team. His name is Henry Bishop, but everyone calls him Junior so he's not confused with his father, Henry Bishop, Senior.

"Can you see where this is heading, Simon?

"Henry Senior was traveling with the boys' team as a chaperone and it seems the Adonios women became mutually attracted and attractive to the Bishop men. The Bishop lineage had a thing for white women; came to find out Bishop Senior's mom was white, as was Bishop Junior's.

"Eventually I found out that every night when traveling Junior would pop into Janice's room while Penny spent the night in Senior's. Pretty sweet arrangement until one of the other parents took pity on this poor soul and gave me a head's up. I hired a private eye and got the goods on them the next time they were out of town. By the time they came back I was moved into the spare bedroom and Penny was served with papers that week.

"Penny did her best to convince me it had only happened twice, which turned out to be a lie and I went through with the divorce.

"What really burned me up the most was Janice's betrayal; I thought we had a good relationship, but obviously it was more important to have her boyfriend's cock inside her. So I left Oregon, moved here and never looked back."

I was probably looking at Larry with dazed, glassy eyes trying to understand how I ended up in such a den of vipers. He looked at me and almost without mercy continued his tale.

"When I saw the Christmas card with the photo of your family and the two kids that didn't look like yours, I made a couple calls up to my friends out west. They did a little digging for me and told me what they learned. Sorry to give you the news Simon, but most likely your two kids are Henry Junior's."

"I don't get it Larry, if she's messing with this Henry asshole, why didn't she just marry him? Why marry me and not him?"

"Because dear boy, both Henrys have a bad habit of screwing up and ending in jail. The first time Henry Junior got caught selling a shit load of drugs to an undercover cop. He was 20 years old and a sophomore in college with a full ride for basketball. But the apple didn't fall far from the tree. Just like Henry Senior, Junior needed to have more -- more money, cars, women, whatever. He ended up serving seven years because he didn't cooperate and he had an illegal automatic weapon on him when he was busted. My sources found out he left prison just about a year before your son was born.

"He screwed up before Jacob was born, did a second hitch for a felony assault charge and went back in for eighteen months. Got out, probably in time to get Janice pregnant with that little girl of yours.

"I probably could have intervened after I learned what was going on, but decided to stay out of it. After all, I didn't know you and it didn't seem to be any of my business. I just figured you were all right with what was happening."

"Nope, not all right at all. I can't believe what an idiot I've been for the past four years. How could I be so stupid?"

"You're not stupid Simon; you were just in love and my cunt of an ex-wife used that against you. From what I understand you are one hell of a carpenter with a successful business. That takes brains. Let me tell you what I've learned all these years taking so-called 'smart people' out fishing on my boat; most of them know one or two things pretty well and that's it. They use that knowledge like a shield. My ex and daughter used your reliance on them as a family and your trusting nature against you.

"Plus, you were lied to by an expert. Let me explain that.

"As I said, Penny swore that she had bedded Henry just the two times. I didn't believe her so she said she'd submit to a lie detector test. The damn bitch passed the test! The lady giving the test asked the question more than once and the results were the same -- Penny was telling the truth.

"But something didn't smell right to me, so I asked Janice to take the lie detector test. Penny was furious, saying I was an asshole for putting my daughter through such an ordeal. Janice obviously didn't have Penny's skills, not yet at least, and when she took the test it turned out the two couples had been going at it for five months.

"Let that be a lesson if the two of them offer to take a test to verify they're telling you the truth."

I thanked Larry for the information. He offered to buy me a drink and dinner, but I declined. It was time to head back home and plan my next moves. I caught the redeye to Portland and spent Wednesday working on my plans. The list I made two days ago was growing to include:

•Hire an attorney

•Get evidence

Fred met me for dinner that night and gave me some great advice. He told me not to hire his attorney but to use the same attack-dog attorney his wife used. We drank and commiserated for a few hours and he let me crash at his place. One less night rope-a-doping around Janice.

Thursday I made an appointment with the attorney, moved some money around, lined up an out of town job for the next week and purchased two voice activated recorders. I really didn't need video; and besides I didn't think I could stand watching some strange guy humping my wife, listening would be bad enough. If I saw them going at it I just might end up in jail.

Thursday evening I came home from my phony emergency work trip. Janice didn't think twice as I made up a story about the famous reality TV star that I met. Everything I related was based on an article from the People magazine purchased at the airport in Miami. Lying was becoming too easy to me, but still not fun.

Janice didn't act upset when I told her I'd be in Seattle the next full week doing a job for some Microsoft millionaire, which was an actual job. When she went to bed I hid the recorder in the kitchen. The next day I found the best spot in the bedroom. I tested both devices and put my tools in my truck for my trip up north.

I immersed myself in my work. The Seattle customers ended up being one of those great couples with a wonderful sense of design and an unlimited budget. I couldn't have picked a better way to spend what was otherwise a crappy week. I drove home Sunday night and had to wait until Monday morning to listen to the recordings.

Listening was bittersweet. Bitter because, as I expected, Janice and her boyfriend spent the week screwing in the bedroom. Sweet because I caught a one sided conversation between Junior and someone else. It took place after Janice had stepped into the shower. Here's what the recorder picked up:

"Hey bro, you ready for this? I just got a lead on a great score. Janice was at the clinic and this old couple walked in all excited to get their shots because they'll be spending next month in Israel. Janice got them talking and she fed me enough to know this will be an easy walk-in-walk-out. She looked up the couple's address and it's in the good section of town. If you're in let me know, I'm casing the place tomorrow, they leave next month."

Whoever Junior was talking to must of agreed because the rest of the conversation was making plans for the two of them to rob the place when the old couple was out of the country.

My problem was whether I would be turning in Janice when I turned Junior into the cops. It would serve Janice right if she spent a few years in jail, but I wasn't about to play nursemaid to a couple kids that weren't mine while the two parents got fed three meals and watched TV all day.

OK -- when I read stories about cuckold husbands they always say that even if the kids aren't their biological children that he still loves them, blah, blah, blah. Maybe my hurt was still too raw, but both of Janice's kids, and that's how I was thinking of them right now, can go to jail with Janice for all I give a flying fuck. Most likely that lying bitch of a mother-in-law of mine can spend her golden years raising the spawn of her deceit.

I spent the next month playing nice and tip-toeing around Janice as best I could. The recorders stayed on and I was out of town most of those weeks working.

Junior was oblivious to the fact he was being recorded. He continued to talk to his accomplice and I had enough information to know when their big heist was going down. The night of the break-in I was supposedly out of town, but instead was sitting in a rental car down the street from my house. I followed the dumb-shit to the old couple's house and waited until Junior and his friend left the place. I called the police from my non-registered "burn" phone and pretended to be a concerned neighbor.

"Officer, my neighbors are out of the country and I just saw two men loading their van full of items from the house. It a dark brown van with the following license plate number. The van just left the drive headed south on Hiawatha Drive."

I followed and from two blocks away I watched as three squad cars surrounded the van and laughed as the two criminals got hauled away in cuffs. I should be ashamed of what I'll tell you next, but somehow I'm not. The night before the heist, I drove the rental over to my neighborhood. It was the middle of the night and dark when I slipped a handgun wrapped in oilcloth with all fingerprints removed under the driver's seat of Henry's van. I won't tell you where I got the handgun from, let's just say a good friend gave it to me and I filed the serial number off so it couldn't be traced back to him.

You see, Henry being a felon, actually a two-time felon, isn't allowed to have a firearm in his possession. And since this would be his third offense in a state with a "three strikes and you're out" justice system, it will be decades before Henry gets out of prison, if ever. I didn't feel too bad about the planted gun because Henry was robbing some poor couple's house, the gun was just insurance Henry couldn't plead down to a misdemeanor.

Phase one of my revenge was complete.

When I arrived home the next day Janice was in the den balling her eyes out. Her mom was sitting with her on the couch with her arms wrapped around Janice. "Uncle Henry" was in my Lazy Boy across from them. They all looked like death warmed over.

"What's wrong Janice? Why the tears?"

"Oh Simon, I just found out a very old friend of mine is dying of cancer and it's so awful. Mom and Uncle Henry came over to help me because I didn't know when you'd be home." As the words left her lips I could tell Janice had learned her lessons in lying from her mother. It also made clear to me that one of my questions, "Find out why" would never be answered. Janice was too good of a liar to give me a straight answer that I could believe.

"Well Janice, that really sucks bad and I'm sorry to pile on you with more bad news, but here are the divorce papers. We're through."

I wish I had a camera to record the looks on their three faces when I said those words. It looked like something out of a bad comedy show with the three mouths popped open and six eyes bugged out. I will keep that memory for years to come.

I walked out the door without saying another word, climbed into my truck and headed southeast.

Janice would be officially served the next day by someone from my attorney's office; the copy I left her, along with a letter, was just for my amusement.

The letter read:

Janice-

You lying slut. Our divorce will be handled by my attorney. I left you the house, but I took all our assets except for three thousand dollars out of our accounts. You can pay the mortgage, the bills, etc. Not my problem after today. I know the kids aren't mine, I'll miss them, but won't ever be able to look at them without thinking of how you got pregnant. Maybe Henry can sell his ass in prison and help support his two spawn.

It's in your best interest not to fight the terms of the divorce. I'd hate to think of your kids having both parents in prison and being raised by your mother and "Uncle Henry". Yes, I know you're the one that gave Junior the information on when that nice old couple would be out of the country. And if Henry doesn't roll on you, and if you don't agree to my terms, I'll be sure to call the police and tell them to check the records at your clinic to find out which nurse gave that couple their shots and questioned them about when they'd be gone. Believe me, I'll do it in a heartbeat and laugh while I make the call.

Don't even think about trying to contact me in any way. From everything I've learned about you and your mother over the past month, I'd rather talk to a rabid dog than hear your lying voice again.

I'd wish you "good luck", but I'd be LYING.

Go to hell -- and tell that witch of a mother of yours she can go there too.

Simon

Phase two of my revenge was complete.

Phase three would take more time, but if my plans worked out, would be so funny. During the past month I was able to purchase two colonies of carpenter ants; it's amazing what you can buy on the Internet. On one of the days when we were at Penny's house I snuck downstairs into her basement and planted the two colonies in inconspicuous places. The ants will be working their way through the rafters and walls over the next few years until the timbers are too rotted to save the house. Penny is such a lousy housekeeper; she'll never notice a thing.

Did I forget to mention that for the past six years I've been responsible for all of Penny's utility and household bills? At the time I paid every bill with a smile on my face because it was the least I could do for such a great mother-in-law; the lady I considered my surrogate parent. That was before I knew she was part of the conspiracy to make me a cuckold. Now, because I was responsible for the bills and because the house didn't have a mortgage, it was easy for me to cancel her home owner's insurance, which I did that month. No one would be the wiser until they made an attempt to claim damages from the ants.

Phase four. The Sicilians have it right; the best revenge is served cold. At least it was for me. When I left that day in my truck I had all the clothes, money, tools and personal items I'd need to start out a new life. I drove to the Florida Keys and Larry helped me sell my truck and buy a boat. It would take me a few years to re-establish myself down here in the Caribbean, but I had the resources to make it happen. I packed my tools in my new (used) 34-foot motorboat and headed to the islands.

I spent the next three years living in the boat and doing my best to get odd jobs doing finish work on different islands. One of my former customers, one of the Microsoft multi-millionaires, bought a small island in the Bahamas and I spent four months on his new home. I even finished some interior rooms on two mega yachts owned by some Saudi princes.

It's different down here in the islands; there are a lot of working class or poor folks, a small middle class and a much smaller number of wealthy people. It took time, but my reputation started to build with the wealthy, well to-do people on the various islands. It helped that my living expenses were relatively low. After three years more money was coming in than going out.

And I was having fun. Was I getting laid? Hell yes! You'd have to be a leper not to down here. So many women come to the islands looking for a good time. Of course, many of those women are looking to score with their first "native" experience, but there were enough crumbs left over for this white man's feast.

I still kept in contact with a few friends back in Portland, especially Fred, who had since reconciled with his ex-wife. All my friends were given explicit instructions not to tell Janice where I was or to give her my cell number.

During the second year after my "escape", I convinced Fred and his wife Emily to meet me in St. Martin to spend a week of vacation on my boat. I was really looking forward to connecting with an old friend. Imagine my utter shock when, as I pulled up to the dock to pick them up, there was my ex-wife Janice standing beside them. She looked absolutely stunning; now in her mid-thirties, she still had the body of a twenty-year-old and she was wearing a bikini top and a pair of daisy dukes to highlight those features.

I stopped the boat forty feet from the dock and put it in reverse to back up another hundred feet before cutting the engine. My cell rang, it was Fred of course.

"Fred, what the fuck? Why would you bring her here with you?"

"Simon, it's not my fault. Janice has been begging Emily for information about your whereabouts. When she found out about our trip she made Emily take her with us. Emily told me that if I didn't agree that I wouldn't get laid for the next year."

"Well Fred, you fulfilled your part of her bargain, so I'm glad you won't be spending the next year dating your hand. But you're not going to set foot on my boat this week -- sorry. I suggest either heading back home or if you decide to stay, try the hotel at the casino; they usually aren't booked this time of year. Adios."