Back From College Pt. 02

"I'll get it."

"You don't have to."

"Split it?" I reply. It's a couple of weeks before graduation and I'm on a date with Alice, a girl I met at the gym. Yesterday I was on a date with Thomas, a guy from my English class.

In the four years since I started college I've been on over a hundred dates, girls and guys in equal measure. But I've found noone special. I haven't figured myself out. Am I bi? I saw this girl Alice in the changing room - fitness model body, visible abs and tone everywhere. Lovely face, long dark brown hair. Conventionally she is beautiful, and she's in medical school.

We've spoken for 45 minutes but we both feel restless to leave. There's no heat between us. Thomas yesterday was the same - he can tell fascinating stories from all the literature he's read, and he's certainly a good-looking man. But again, I felt nothing. I've had sex once a term when I've found a guy I liked. And only guys. A couple of girls I've kissed, but no further. I felt nothing, as interesting to talk to as they are.

So I don't think I'm attracted to women, and Alice is looking like my last same-sex date. We pay our half, give a friendly hug, then are on our way. I go back to my room, thinking of my dating life. It hasn't been successful, I haven't had sex with the same person more than once. When I was a freshman I had guys try to charm me - buy me cocktails, occasionally jewellery, and I'd go to their rooms.

But as soon as they were done, that was it. I was dead to them as once their balls were emptied. I felt so used, so.... alone and unloved. Since then I put up a bit of a wall, taking extra time to date the guy before sleeping together. Again, when morning comes, he moves on.

Still, relationships aren't all life's about. I've secured an internship at a New York law firm. I am studying hard, as I want to take the New York bar exam next year and be a successful lawyer. I'll make my career my main focus, and if the right man appears that's icing on the cake. But if not, and my future is as a single professional woman, I will learn to be at peace with that. My family are Roman Catholic although lapsed since the abuse scandals leaked. However, if there is a plan from God or the universe, a soulmate apparently isn't in mine. So I should focus on how I can help others by ensuring that everyone gets the justice they deserve.

Two weeks pass, and it's the graduation ceremony. As I stand with my classmates, I notice my mother, three cousins, and two of my best friends from high school. They're all waving, proud that I made it. The friends I see occasionally, we stayed in touch, but they both studied in the South West so I've only met them during the holidays. My cousins, we have big family meet ups and I will go to their graduations in the next two years. We're friendly, we get on OK, but I wouldn't tell them my secrets.

My deepest secret is waving at me, and sitting next to that high school friend. My mother is a good caring woman. I'm her only child, she devoted her life to raising me when my dad passed away in Afghanistan. She herself has been alone since his death, and remains single, despite me making a dating profile for her on every app and paying with my own money for premium subscriptions. I want her to find someone, she deserves personal happiness after sacrificing so much.

The ceremony continues, I'm awarded a high GPA - but just missed out on valedictorian, so I have to listen to the speech. Simon, our valedictorian, is a genuine nice guy. I had one of my many dates with him, but again no heat. He's perhaps the only guy who I would bet money on to sleep with me and still date me again. He'd listen, do his best to make sure I enjoyed it too, and continue to be serious after sex. Is it me Simon? You're great, why couldn't I just have had burning chemistry with you and the whole romantic question be solved forever?

But yes, the secret. My mother sacrificed for me, and cares for me with all the love she has in that vast heart of hers. So one night, the first night of the Christmas holiday when I was a freshman, I was miserable. I'd been away for so long, and guys used me as I've been describing - charming me, sleeping with me, leaving me. Eventually I opened up about this to her; my mother understood and comforted me. In the moment, as she was trying to do the caring thing, we went a bit too far. Let's just say if we were unrelated, it would have been the most lesbian experience of my life.

But we never repeated. Since that night we became awkward around each other, sometimes rude, sometimes snarky. I spent as much of the holidays as I could with friends from college: skiing vacations, one trip to Greece, this summer I saw six European capitals. When visiting London my mom liked a selfie of me in a red British telephone booth (or phone box as they call it) and I blocked her on Instagram. She knew why, it was a sign to say: you're my mother, you find your partner and I'll find mine. I'm an adult, you are too, we can't be doing these creepy and sick things together. If you're a good mom, you'll teach good boundaries.

But I'm glad she's here. I'm glad she's sharing in this initial success and I know she'll support me through the bar exam. I'm not going to be super close to her again, but I know if I'm in trouble she'll do what she's supposed to do.

Tonight, there's a graduation party at the student bar I went on the date with Alice to. Every graduating student is invited, family and friends can come if they solemnly swear not to embarrass their child. I don't mind, I'd like to hear how my friends are doing and maybe I can meet someone I haven't yet dated.

The party is fairly quiet, perhaps the presence of family subdues the atmosphere too much. Most people are sitting at tables, chatting. There's a band, I think they're supposed to be a Maroon 5 tribute, but they don't get any of us dancing. I've been chatting to my high school friends, and Tara, my oldest friend of all, is showing me pictures of her new boyfriend, Andrew.

"Any vacations planned?" I ask her.

"Yes actually, guess where."

"Paris?" I guess first. Andrew looks like a nice, romantic boy so perhaps he'll take her somewhere obvious but somewhere to make us envious.

"A clue, it's not a city."

"Ok, the Grand Canyon?"

"No, OK another clue - it used to be sacred, a long time ago."

"The pyramids?"

"No but it's a wonder of the world."

"Macchu Picchu?"

"Yes!"

"Wow."

"Yeah we're flying out next week, get to see Peru, he's been telling me about the whole Inca civilization. Last night he put Raiders of the Lost Ark on, and the opening scene freaked me out, but he keeps saying we won't meet any snakes or poisoned darts."

We all laugh, and I have to ask further.

"Maybe something silver or platinum though?"

"Maybe. I hope so." Tara's dreamed of a perfect wedding ever since I've known her, and I'm happy for her, truly I am. She's been a good friend, but right now I'm experiencing what I've heard is called the Oscar Effect: you lose, somebody else wins, but you have to smile and applaud them while giving an Oscar-worthy performance at pretending you're not remotely jealous.

Our other friend, Laura, nudges my shoulder and points to my right: "Grace, a guy over there, he's looking at you."

I turn around and see a guy, who seems to be in Simon's group, glancing at me. He looks back, notices I'm looking at him, keeps eye contact, then drinks from his beer bottle. One of his friends taps him on the shoulder and he looks away. Does he just not want to appear creepy? He looks like my type: similar skin tone to myself, maybe a similar ethnic mix. A few inches taller, short slightly curly hair and good arms. Laura and Tara whisper at me to go and talk to him. I finish my drink, stand up, and see if I can make something of this.

I walk to the possible admirer, and he sees me. I get to him first and need the opening line. I come out with: "Hi, is this the smart people group, for valedictorians?"

"My school friend Simon is the smart one. I dropped out."

"Oh sorry, what did you drop out of?"

"Law. My dad's a lawyer and made me go. I only ever wanted to be a rally car driver. I tried, really I did, but failed the sophomore year. Dropped out."

"Oh shame. Well good luck with the rally car career I guess."

"Not happening, didn't make the trials I needed."

"Ok well still you know, one window closes a door opens."

"Yeah.... Enough about my life, I think I recognized you sitting near Simon."

"You might have yeah, we did the same major."

"He beat you right? Higher GPA?"

"Yeah by point oh-one but still."

"You doing an internship next month too?"

"A rival law firm to Simon but both in New York."

"OK, well hope you beat him in a case, have a rematch haha. I'm gonna get back to-"

"Sure, I will as well."

I head back to my friends' table. That wasn't the plan but never mind. With raised eyebrows I communicate our failure to breach the mutual awkwardness barrier. Laura asks "Never mind Grace, it's not always meant to be. By the way how's your mom?"

Laura used to stay round mine a lot to escape a very difficult home life. She loved my mom's cooking, and whenever we meet up always asks after her.

"Oh she's good. She's staying at the Baccarat Hotel nearby. Gonna fly home together tomorrow."

"She met anyone yet? After all the apps you got her on?"

"Not that I know of."

"Show her around college." Tara interrupts. "It's your last night here, spend a bit of time with her."

"She'll probably be asleep by now."

"Message and see." Laura insists. They both sense I'm not very close to her anymore, although if they probe as to why I change the subject. Tara as well, she often did her homework round mine while her parents were having problems, and my mom made sure she did her best.

I message: "hi, wanna have a look round the campus?" I never sign with an "x", I just don't. Boundaries are what they need to be.

"Ok, 15 minutes." Quick reply.

"Shall we all go?" I ask. "I'd really prefer it to be a group thing."

"No," says Laura. "Come on, we'll all meet up back home."

I accept, and message mom to meet by the graduation hall. In a few minutes I see her. Wearing her favorite blue and yellow flower dress she likes to wear to every special occasion, her red hair tied back, a black furry coat for warmth.

"Hi mom, the girls said I should show you around." I keep my arms folded. I can be a tour guide.

"Thanks. I was watching some terrible movie on the hotel TV, this is much better."

"Want to do the whole campus tour?"

"Definitely."

We start to walk round the main blocks. The air is slightly chilly, but walking we are warm enough. I haven't spoken this much to her since that night. We've never reflected on it together, never discussed who we are with each other and how to move forward.

"How was the party?" she asks.

"Good, caught up with Tara and Laura, you remember."

"Oh yeah, lovely girls. You know Tara's mom and dad, they actually remarried."

"I heard."

"She once told me, she said: 'perhaps I made a mistake marrying him the first time, but living without him felt less like a mistake, and more like a jail sentence'".

"Hope Tara doesn't say words like that, she's probably getting married herself."

"I've met the boy. He seems good, honest, got an alright job working at Dairy Queen - he became a regional manager the record fastest."

"She says he likes business and history, kinda strange combo but OK."

"He'll be CEO one day, take over from that Warren Buffett who must be about 100."

We walk round past the student bar and wave to Laura and Tara. The party seems to have got started now, they're up dancing.

"If you wanna leave me and dance, I'm fine," mom says.

"No actually, this is OK."

"You sure? Alright let's walk on. Unless there's a boy in there taking your eye."

"There was actually."

"Not anymore?"

"Let's say we were different frequencies, I'm digital he's analogue."

"Keep looking, New York has everybody. Remember Carson from your kindergarten? He got to NYC and he found this amazing heiress, I think she's related to the last Princess of Austria, something like that."

"Absolutely mom, but I'm really gonna focus on the exam. I just need to give everything to it."

"Of course dear. Not long now, my girl a top lawyer."

"So mom how's the dating? You know some of the apps, I actually paid for Hinge premium, Tinder gold."

"I've been on a couple."

"What happened?"

"Nice guys, nice guys. But you know, nice isn't always, I guess nice isn't always enough."

"Give them a chance mom. When I'm in NYC, if it all works out, you're gonna have yourself."

"I know dear, I'll find someone."

"Do I need to take the pictures of dad away? Something to-"

"No, you mustn't." My mom says this almost like a scream. "I'm, I'm sorry OK. I lost him, I lost you, anybody new I suppose they, they're what did you call it when you wanted an iPhone? They're a knockoff."

"It's alright mom." I want to hug my mother. Really, I'd love to give her some support back right now. But I've got the boundaries to keep up, so I need to talk to her correctly. "You haven't lost me mom, there'll be holidays and you're welcome to visit. I'm just starting my life."

"Of course you have to go where you have to go. Don't mind me."

We get back to where we started, near my dorm.

"Hotel is only five minutes, I can walk it."

"I'll see you to the reception." I want to make sure she's OK. Honestly, she's my mom and I know she's been through a lot. I gotta figure out a way, how do I be a good daughter, while being simply a daughter? Being a daughter, and not something weird?

"You sure darling? Why don't you rejoin the party, it was looking fun?"

"I'm alright mom, I've honestly done my share of partying. Studying continues tomorrow."

"Thanks, so just up here."

We walk up, and the hotel is just across a road from the campus. The reception has a bar next to it, it looks fairly quiet.

"Want a drink?" my mom asks.

"OK something light. No flying with a hangover."

We sit down and I order a small rosé prosecco. Mom orders an Admirals Rum - my dad's favorite drink, and one she's made her own.

"So a month to prepare for the Empire State," she says.

"Yes, I really want to spend the next weeks studying, I'm not retaking the bar."

"You'll be fine."

"Just with the move and the internship work, it's gonna be a lot."

"I know sweetie but you can do it."

"Thanks, maybe it's good no boyfriends worked out. Minimal distractions."

"So none of them really took your eye?"

"I guess not, or if they did we didn't click. But you know it doesn't matter what Tara's doing, I'm happy with my grades and getting in."

"It'll happen."

"Although it hasn't for you. Sorry, I'm sorry, I shouldn't mention it." What I find hard is that I don't know what will happen. What if the right one was on a date with me, and I rejected him stupidly because he didn't get as good grades as I did? Is it me having overly high standards? Is that my mom's problem too?

"It's alright," she tries to reassure me. "You know I am looking, honestly."

"OK, show me who you last messaged."

Mom gets out her phone, I take it from her and bring up Hinge. I go to the messages bit, and they're all in the Hidden section due to no reply in 30 days. I look - the no reply was from her.

"Mom you're matching but not replying."

"I guess, I've been a little busy."

"Doing what?"

"Coming here, seeing you, planning where you'll stay next."

"You've got time. Make the effort."

"I will. Go to New York, and I promise I sort myself out."

"How's this for a deal? I find a handsome man in the Big Apple and you're only coming to the wedding if another handsome man has you on his arm."

We laugh, and finish our drinks. It's past 10.30 now, and there's a flight back tomorrow.

"Alright," mom says. "Now I'll head up to my room, see you tomorrow. Cab's booked for 9 remember."

"Can I quickly see it?"

"What?"

"Your room. This place has such a reputation."

"Of course, it's the first floor come on."

We go up an elevator and walk a few feet down to her room. She opens it, and I go in. It's small and cosy, but obviously expensive. There's various liqueur bottles and chocolates on a bedside table, a coffee machine, and satin pillows.

"It's nice. You're not gonna want to leave."

"But here, I don't get time with my baby."

"Mom, no. Don't start."

She turned to me as she said that. Can she still have some feelings? We agreed, well didn't write it as a contract but I thought came to an agreement, that we're not going to say things to remind us.

I'm standing by the door, mom went to the table for a chocolate. She unwraps it, puts it in her mouth, and swallows it before walking back near to me.

"It's late I should probably go," I tell her.

"OK yeah it is. That's fine I've got the flight with you and then four weeks."

"Should I bring New York forward?"

"Why?" She's a couple of feet away from me now, I just have the space to open the door.

"Boundaries." I say it firmly, as authoritative as I can. Mom doesn't move forward, but doesn't move back either. I don't think it through but I go forward to her, like I'm going to hug her goodbye, then I grab her waist, hold her sides and push her with all the force of my arms onto the bed.

"Boundaries," I repeat. I walk out, not even checking if she's OK. I walk back to my room thinking she should be. There's no wooden edges on the bed right?

I get to my room and try to sleep. But all I can think of is the weird coincidence of the situation. My mother and I, she 46, I 22, are at the same stage of our romantic life. Both single, both occasionally dating but nothing working, both not really trying because we don't believe in our hearts that the right man is out there.

In over 10 years, she's not had sex with a man. I have, but didn't really enjoy it and have never found one who pursued me again. Was she pursuing me in the room? Did I read way too much into it? Are we now just mother and daughter, happy as friends? She does just want to be friends yes? Maybe I should relax and be nicer, more friendly, towards her.

Friends would be fine, but doesn't solve the romance problem. I'm supposedly looking for the right one but in 4 years of college, the only fulfilling orgasm I had was with my own mother. No women my age have made me want to do more than try kissing them. What does it say about me that the best sex of my life was with a woman called Siobhan - the woman who gave birth to me?

I don't sleep well and when my alarm goes at 7.30 I'm fully awake. I have a morning shower, get ready, and pack my luggage. I wait for the cab near the hotel, it arrives as mom is just coming out with her suitcase. We say hi to each other, get in, but are silent. Yes it's tense, it's awkward, it's not how I want it to be. But how do I want things to be? This is the one person who loves me with a pure heart. I'm mean to her, last night I got violent with her, because maybe her feelings for me have got too much. Have I made a mistake rejecting her?

We get to the airport, carry our own luggage, and check in. Still quiet, the most I say is "looks like it will be on time." When we get on the plane, though, I just don't feel like I want to go on punishing her.

"You can have the window seat." She loves the window seat, loves to see out and notice people, animals, fields, and cities on the ground. I prefer to read, or close my eyes. So even though I'd actually booked the window, we swap.

"Thank you sweetie. I raised you to put others first."

"As a lawyer, I'll be helping others."

"You won't be one of those sleazy ones, like Saul Goodman?"

"No mom, I won't be making millions from covering up a meth business."