Back to Back Pt. 03

Eventually though my cum stopped dribbling out and my knees gave out from underneath me. I sank to the floor and leaned my shoulder and head on the corner of the shower. The fog in my head cleared and quickly my anxiety kicked in. My face flamed and my bottom lip shook, ashamed at what I had just done. Tears built up behind my eyes and fell within seconds. I tried to hold it in and was successful for a second, but my body was wracked with uncontrollable sobs. I couldn't lie to myself anymore, I literally just fingered myself thinking about Miles. He came back Friday, I had him as a friend again for two days, and now he was gonna think I was some freak. My thoughts spiraled and I was reminded of all the times I felt like I had no one. How I felt until about two days ago. My brain concocted convoluted nightmare scenarios where Miles figures out what I did. Over and over picturing his face- which is usually so warm and inviting- full of contempt and disgust. I pictured him moving out of the dorm and wanting nothing to do with me, telling everyone about his weirdo roommate.

The water in the shower suddenly lost heat and I quickly began shivering. I hopped up out of the ball I had been curled into and my joints protested. The shock to my nervous system slightly dragged me out of my tailspin. As I rushed to rinse off whatever residual body wash I had I coached my brain. Miles had no idea what just happened, and he never would. If I could just keep a lid on it, it wouldn't affect our relationship. Who knows. I've never had these feelings before, who's to say they're permanent?

By the time I got out of the shower, I felt marginally better. I was at least ready to go back to the room and face Miles, fully planning on getting in my bed, pulling the covers over my head, and not surfacing until my first class tomorrow at eleven.

Miles was still sleeping when I got back, having flipped over to face the TV. His arms were outstretched in front of him like a little kid waiting to have their favorite toy given back. It would have made me laugh if I wasn't feeling so crestfallen. I dropped my towel and started digging for something to wear, looking for the most comfortable articles of clothing I could find. I needed a good sulking outfit.

"Is this a dream?" I heard from behind me. I looked over my shoulder and Miles barely had his eyes open.

"I don't think so." If it was, it was definitely a stress nightmare.

"Sounds like something someone in a dream would say." I covered my man bits with a pair of underwear from my drawer and walked over to Miles. I reached down and pinched his forearm.

"What the fuck!?" He slid both his arms back instantaneously. He threw his legs off the bed.

"You're really asking for it." He slowly rose from the bed.

"Miles, wait. I'm naked. At least let me put clothes on." He didn't stop moving, so I backed away.

"Should have thought of that before." The tone of his voice indicated to me that there was no way I was going to escape his wrath, but I was going to try my darnedest.

I turned around and slid my underwear on and up my legs as fast as I possibly could. Just as I finished pulling them up I reached for the doorknob, ready to bolt. Before I could twist the knob I was lifted clear into the air and tossed onto the bed face down. I tried to get off the bed before Miles got me but he practically followed me through the air. Both his hands wrapped around my waist, and he started giving me the most malicious jumper cabling of my life. I screamed and pushed against the bed but Miles didn't release me until several excruciating moments later. I gasped and wheezed.

"One day. One day you'll be minding your own business, enjoying life. You'll be walking down the street or driving to work. You'll think to yourself, what a beautiful day. What a great day to be alive. It will be then, in that moment of peace, that I will strike."

Miles cracked up, sinking off the bed and onto the floor.

"You're such a dork."

"Frick off." I got up to finish putting my clothes on and he laughed again.

"See! I rest my case."

"Down to play some games?" He asked once I was dressed and I nodded my head vigorously. I could use the escape right now.

I tried to distract my brain from what happened, but every time Miles bumped my shoulder, poked my side, or flicked my neck trying to throw me off my game, I was reminded of how I felt when he touched me earlier. Ever since puberty guys my age would always be talking about tits or ass, and I always found it gross and disrespectful. Most of all though, I just didn't find it interesting the way they did. I didn't watch porn and jerk off as much as they did, or chase girls the like they did. I just assumed I wasn't as sexual as everyone else. I tried dating girls and it never went anywhere. We would date for a few months and it would be fine at first, but eventually, they would always get fed up with my "lack of passion". Based on how my face flushed and my dick throbbed in my pants every time I thought about what I did in the shower, I think I was starting to understand why.

My eyes were on the screen but I wasn't intaking any information. In my head, I was scouring through all the times growing up I tried to make something happen with a girl. Imagining how it would feel back then, and then comparing it to how I've been feeling around Miles the last couple days. Every time I was with a girl, it was like I was convincing myself it felt good. With Miles, I couldn't convince myself it doesn't feel good, no matter how hard I tried.

In the rational part of my brain, I knew Miles was a good guy and probably wouldn't be upset or weirded out. My anxiety had other opinions though, and kept dragging me into a malignant thought spiral. I just kept imagining him getting uncomfortable sharing space with me, changing around me, or sleeping near me. Him avoiding being in the room with me. My chest started aching and I knew I had to drag myself out of it. I reminded myself of my own tendency to catastrophize and that this didn't need to affect our friendship if I didn't let it. I took a deep breath and focused on quelling my anxiety and rationalizing what happened in my brain. Maybe I'm just a late bloomer. Maybe I'm just more submissive in bed and that's why Miles being domineering got me so horned up. Maybe I'm not even attracted to Miles, or guys in general, and just like to be held down.

I knew I was lying to myself. Closing my eyes I could still feel him moving on top of me, holding me down and grinding into my ass. I could still see the images that flashed across my brain in the shower. A vision of Miles pressing me into the bed, spreading me open, and sliding his cock into me.

"-Artie? You didn't even steer that last round." My eyes suddenly focused and I saw twelfth place on my half of the screen. Back to reality, my anxiety skyrocketed. I think I needed some air.

"I think I need some air." I could feel myself beginning to hyperventilate and I channeled every ounce of mental fortitude I had into keeping myself together until I was away from Miles.

"I'll open the window. Do you need som-"

"I'm gonna go for a walk." A slight draft wasn't going to solve my problems. I had to get out. I needed to call Marissa. I pulled my shoes on as fast as possible. My mouth was doing that thing where it excretes tons of hot saliva in preparation for vomiting. My stomach churned.

"Cool, I'll come with. I gotta stop by the school store." I didn't even really hear what he said, just that he wanted to come with.

"That's okay." I made it out the door and I immediately felt less suffocated.

My chest expanded fully and I took in a deep breath of air.

"Artie, if this is about earlier... I'm sorry." All the air I had recently taken into my body came out in a whoosh. Sweat dribbled down my temples and my palms were wet. If my anxiety was bad before, consider it through the roof now. Fricking frick was I screwed, he knew what happened. He must have been messing with me on purpose and he saw how I reacted.

"What?" I choked out. What did he have to be sorry for? I was the freak. A huge part of me wanted to sprint down the hallway, never to return. To just completely forget I even met Miles again and all the uncomfortable feelings he's been causing.

"I'm sorry, I didn't wait till you had clothes on or whatever I did to make you uncomfortable."

Oh...

Relief washed over me like a tidal wave and I almost crumpled to the floor. Thank you, Lord.

I almost let out a maniacal laugh at my own irrational and destructive thoughts. My brain always reverted to the worst case scenario. He was talking about when he wrestled with me earlier.

"Don't worry about it. Thank you for apologizing, though." The relief in my body felt so strong it was as if I was in an afterglow from an orgasm or something. I couldn't even remember what I was worried about.

"Are you coming, or what?"

Miles

Laying in bed, I was in a state of falling in and out of consciousness. Every time I fell back to sleep I would enter a different dream. It was a dream about Nat, then a dream about my old high school, then a dream about Artie and me. At one point, I couldn't tell If I was asleep or awake. I had been dreaming about Artie, and then when I thought I woke up it was like I had just gone from one dream to another. Artie was standing in front of me, naked and dripping wet. Water from his hair was falling down his back, and I watched as he shifted his weight from one foot to the other. One smooth, round cheek flexed as the other released.

"Is this a dream?" Was it really getting to the point where I needed to fuck so badly I was having sex dreams about Artie?

"I don't think so." His voice sounded more subdued than usual.

"Sounds like something someone in a dream would say." I couldn't tell if I said it or just thought it, or if there was even a difference in a dream. Artie turned around abruptly, his junk barely covered by the pair of briefs wadded up in his hand. Light from the window was reflecting off of the droplets of water drifting down his pecs and abs. He was sparkling, and I thought to myself this looked like the beginning of a porno. Yep, definitely a weird sex dream. I told myself to wake up and nothing happened. Allllriiight. I closed my eyes and tried harder. Still, nothing.

Then Artie pinched my forearm roughly.

"What the fuck!?" Nope, not a dream. Artie was just naked and wet for whatever reason.

"You're really asking for it." My sleep-addled brain was operating on autopilot, following Artie's bare skin like a missile.

"Miles, wait. I'm naked. At least let me put clothes on." Nah. He started it.

"Should have thought of that before." My voice didn't even sound like my own.

He turned, and his ass bounced up and down as he jumped from foot to foot, trying to slide his underwear up his wet legs. My arms went around him without a single thought going through my head, and I tossed him on the bed. I immediately covered his body with mine, pushing his back down and pressing him into the mattress. My hands slid down his back, ready to rip his underwear back off of him and reveal his pale cheeks. Just as my hands were about to grab his waistband my senses came back to me. What the actual fuck was I doing? I shook my head frustratedly, trying to clear my head. When in doubt, tickle Artie. I grabbed his flanks and squeezed hard, watching him squirm and buck underneath me. He yelled and tried to fight me off, but the joy in his laughter told me he was having fun. Eventually, I had to take mercy on him so I backed off.

"One day. One day you'll be minding your own business, enjoying life. You'll be walking down the street or driving to work. You'll think to yourself, what a beautiful day. What a great day to be alive. It will be then, in that moment of peace, that I will strike." I slid to the floor, laughing.

Something about Artie's sense of humor always tickled the shit out of my funny bone. I remember when we were kids I would have fun just watching Artie interact with the world. As if he knew there were eyes on him, he would act out in a way that was almost performative. Except, the performance was always just for me. It was like everything he said, even to other people, was to make me laugh. And it always worked. Maybe my sense of humor hadn't changed in all these years, or it just happened to mature the same way Artie's did. But either way, Artie geeked me.

He got up to finish getting dressed and my eyes followed, right to the Switch.

"Down to play some games?" Artie nodded and his slightly damp hair flopped up and down.

We piled onto my bed for what I was planning to be a marathon session of Mariokart. I'm a completionist at heart and I wouldn't rest until we unlocked every fucking thing on the game that we could. Artie didn't seem like his head was in it though. It got to the point where he was just driving directly into a wall. At first, I just let him, happy to get the advantage. By the second time I had lapped him, winning had lost all novelty. I was starting to freak that I pushed his boundaries too far earlier.

"What's up, Artie? You didn't even steer that last round."

"I think I need some air." His voice was completely monotone. Not a good sign.

"I'll open the window. Do you need som-"

"I'm gonna go for a walk." Artie got off the bed and immediately began sliding his sneakers on, no socks.

Something was definitely wrong.

"Cool, I'll come with. I gotta stop by the school store."

"That's okay."

He hadn't made eye contact with me once. He quickly reached for the doorknob and my anxiety flared. I must have fucked up.

"Artie, if this is about earlier... I'm sorry." He stopped with one foot out the door.

"What?" I could barely hear his whisper.

"I'm sorry, I didn't wait till you had clothes on or whatever I did to make you uncomfortable." The awkwardness was killing me. It's never been awkward with Artie. He breathed out a long sigh, then opened the door all the way.

"Don't worry about it. Thank you for apologizing, though." He was just standing there, looking at the floor. I didn't know what else to say

"Are you coming, or what?" He looked me in the eye as he asked, and one eyebrow quirked. I felt a weight lift off my shoulders. I pulled on my shoes and we dipped. On my way out the door, I grabbed Artie to me and ruffled his hair. Something that felt so familiar already. He swatted me away, acting all miffed, but he was smiling hard.

*********

On the way to the school store, Artie showed me where each of my classes would be. I graduated high school with pretty much a fuckton of AP credits and I finished all my General Education requirements last year. So, my entire schedule was business classes all in the same three buildings, all on the same part of campus. The business school was only a short walk from our dorm and I was siced. To top it off, while we were checking out my schedule we found out we have accounting together Tuesdays and Thursdays in the evening, so I was even more siced.

As we walked and talked Artie started to come out of the shell he had been in since I woke up. His eyes got brighter, his shoulders rose, and the pep in his step slowly returned. I was starting to get in my head about it but then as we were walking into the student union Artie hit me with one of his megawatt, dimpled smiles and I couldn't even remember what I was worried about. I couldn't help it, I had to touch. I wrapped my arm around his shoulders as we walked, and all felt right in the world.

I was chilling, walking around the aisles looking for folders and binders and shit when I stopped short. As I rounded the corner I saw Artie standing in the clothing section, and some tall skinny dude had his hands all over him. He was touching Artie's arms and shoulders, pushing and pulling him as they talked. I knew what it looked like when a dude was shooting his shot, and I just watched as Artie smiled and laughed. My blood boiled. My feet moved before I could even tell them where to go and the next thing I know I'm standing next to Artie and mean-mugging the fuck out of the twig dude.

"What's up," I said as I nodded my head to the unnamed dude. I could feel my lips pressing into a thin straight line and I did nothing to stop it. I looked down to Artie and he smiled, a lot brighter than he did at this fuck, and I immediately felt less pressed.

"Miles, this is Corey. We were in business 101 together last year. Corey, this is my roommate Miles."

"Ah. Cool." I continued to glare at Corey while I wrapped my arm around Artie's shoulders. I raised my eyebrow, challenging him to try me.

"Nice to meet you, man." He smiled fake as fuck at me. That's right, motherfucker. I know what you were trying to do. Hands off my shit.

Wait, what?

I dropped my arm off Artie's shoulder.

"Well I gotta go but it was good to see you, Arthur. Let me know if you want to study sometime." He punched Artie's shoulder softly before turning and leaving and I almost growled.

"I'll let you know!" Artie called after Corey, and Corey waved as he left the store.

"No, you won't."

"What?" Artie looked up at me and his brows were raised and pressed together in confusion.

"That dude is definitely tryna fuck you." There was a pause, and then Artie laughed short and loud.

"Corey is just like that." He shook his head and laughed again.

"You're so strange. So what if he does want to have sex with me?" He looked into my eyes and quirked his brow. I suddenly felt like I was being given a pop quiz, put on the spot, and underprepared. I floundered.

"Uh. I don't know. I guess it doesn't." I just turned and went back to the notebooks.

I started grabbing a bunch of shit off the shelves without even really looking. What the fuck was I doing? I was acting like a jealous girlfriend. I'm not even a possessive boyfriend, Nat and I have always just let each other do our own thing. And why the fuck was I even comparing the situations. Artie has friends that aren't me and there's no fucking reason for me not to be chill with that. I told myself that over and over as I walked to the register and checked out. I needed to do some yoga or something.

Artie was waiting off to the side of the registers texting on his phone, and I took a moment to collect myself. By the time I got my receipt, I felt way more zen. I walked up to him and he put his phone in his pocket.

"Ready to go back to the dorm?" Artie asked me. Hmmm.

"You hungry?" Artie's eyes lit up and he nodded his head up and down.

"Yes. Fricking starving."

"Ok, bet. Where's good?" Artie rubbed his chin and his eyes wandered around the room. He acted like such a cartoon character sometimes.

"Do you like Thai food?" I could see a light bulb switch on above his head. Not the biggest fan of Thai food but Artie seemed so excited. How could I possibly say no to that face? He looked so hopeful that I'd say yes.

"Fuck yeah." I nodded my head to the door and we made our way out of the store.

"It's pretty much on campus it's not a far walk."

"I'm cooling, it's nice out." Artie didn't say anything for a moment and I listened to the pattering of our feet on the pavement.

"What does that even mean?" He asked after we had been walking for probably a minute.

"Huh? What does what mean?"

"'Cooling'?" He put air quotations around it and said it like such a square I had to laugh.

"It's like chilling. I'm chilling."

"Ohhh. I see."

"I'll teach you all of my slang one of these days." Honestly, I had picked up a shitload of regional slang moving around all these years, I probably should compile a list for any future friends I might make. Artie didn't really seem like the type to be slinging slang words around so I highly doubted he had put effort forth into learning any.