Back to Back Pt. 07

"Dude, what's your issue?" Miles demanded from me.

I couldn't tell him. So I couldn't face him. So I ran.

"I'm going for a run." I said, already practically out of the door.

"Artie!" Miles yelled after me.

I sped up my walk.

"ARTIE!" Miles shouted down the hallway at me, but I was already in the elevator hitting the close door button with a shaky hand.

********

Sundays were the day Miles and I hung out and did absolutely nothing. We're always hanging out on the weekends but Sundays are different. We never technically agreed to anything but it was unspoken. We'd pop popcorn and watch TV, or have a gaming marathon. Order pizza or go to the grocery store and then annihilate the stuff we got back to the dorm.

I turned my location off and stayed out of the dorm the Sunday before Thanksgiving. We skipped a bunch of Sundays in a row because of fraternity obligations, and I had a feeling Miles was going to try to make up for it.

I couldn't face him after what happened Friday. I left early in the morning and spent basically the whole day at the library. It seemed like every professor I had decided that in the last month of the semester students didn't deserve to have a life outside of class. Group projects, ten-page papers, practice final exams, I could go on and on. I was going to leave it all for after break but I needed something to do.

By the end of the day my brain hurt and I could barely focus my eyes, but I accomplished a virtual buttload of work.

Miles texted and called me multiple times throughout the day, almost every hour, but I ignored it. I felt proud of myself for not giving in and horrible for leaving him hanging. Impressed I went an entire day without Miles and sad, wishing I could have spent time with him. Constantly, I was going back and forth. But I just knew he'd be waiting to wrap me up in his arms. Knew I'd fall into them, forgetting my worries until the next day when I would inevitably remember the way I felt was completely and utterly unrequited.

So away I stayed. I got back to the dorm around dinner time and Miles was nowhere to be found. I was disappointed and relieved at the same time. I tiredly showered and got ready for bed. I hadn't even done anything all day and I was exhausted. An early night for me, I guess.

Miles came back maybe thirty minutes later, freshly showered with his gym bag slung over his shoulder.

"Artie?" Miles sounded worried.

"Yeah," I said quietly, almost instinctively acting like I was on the verge of sleep. I was ashamed of myself for being deceitful so easily, but I really didn't want to answer a million questions.

"Where've you been?" I wasn't looking at him but based on the tone of his voice he was probably scowling his scowl.

"At the library. Big test this week." I hoped a short response would leave no room for further questioning.

"What? Finals start in like two weeks."

I would have slapped my forehead if I wasn't still pretending to be sleepy.

"Yeah."

I crossed my fingers he'd just drop it, and he did.

"Oh... Well... I missed you today." He said the last part softly.

I missed him too. He was standing six feet away from me and I missed him. I missed being carefree with him, spending time with him doing everything and nothing. I missed his arms around me. I missed waking up with him and going to sleep with him. These last few weeks felt like an eternity.

"Night Artie, love you."

I felt myself involuntarily curl into the fetal position.

I couldn't say it back, not the way he meant it.

I fell asleep I don't even know how many hours later, on a cold, wet pillow.

********

Miles

Artie's avoiding me. I feel like he was toeing the line for a while, but now he's just straight-up avoiding me. He's avoiding Marissa too, she texted me that he ignored all of her attempts at contacting him.

I was currently sitting on the green awaiting a call from her about Thanksgiving. No way in hell I was letting Artie sit around campus all break, alone. Something is going on with him, it didn't take a genius to see he's depressed. I just wish he'd fucking talk to me. But he's like a slippery little eel that I can't get a solid grip on. Every time I try to get him to open up, he slips away and I don't hear from him until he slips back into the room at the end of the night.

What the fuck happened? It felt like just a few days ago everything was fine. But it hasn't been fine for a while now. I thought maybe Artie would tell me what's been going on with him, but he's left me completely in the dark. I couldn't count the hours I've spent combing over our interactions, trying to figure out if I did something to alienate him. I came up with exactly nothing. I felt like a helpless dumbass. Such a helpless dumbass that I went to Pissy Rissy for help.

Yeah, shit's bad.

Just as I was thinking about how the wet grass was probably soaking the back of my pants my phone finally rang. I picked up fast.

"Marissa?"

"Uh no. This is Natalie, your girlfriend." She sounded pissed as fuck.

Fucking Christ, my luck sometimes.

"Hey Nat, sorry. I'm waiting for a call."

"Right. From Marissa. Miles, were you planning on talking to me about coming for Thanksgiving?"

"Yeah, I was," I said defensively.

"Uh-huh, when?"

"I don't know, tomorrow." I threw my hand in the air and returned her short tone.

She sighed heavily.

"Miles, I can't do this anymore. We have to break up."

My stomach dropped. Her being pissed about me being MIA I expected, but this...

"What? Nat..." I didn't even know what to say. I didn't think she was this upset with me.

"How am I supposed to be your girlfriend when I never hear from you Miles? I've tried so many times. I can't keep sitting around waiting for a call from you."

"I've had a lot of shit going on I thought you understood. With the frat and the clubs, I've been mad fucking busy."

"I understand all of that. None of it means you couldn't have called or texted."

"I was going to call you about Thanksgiving! It's just Artie hasn't been himself and I'm worried about him. That's why I was going to talk to his sister, Marissa."

"Miles, seriously. Can we have one conversation without talking about how much more you care about Artie than me?" She bit back.

Damn.

"I don't care about him more than you Nat. He's my best friend. I love him like my brother."

"It doesn't sound like it to me. I don't talk to you, and when I do you're with him. When I talk to you and you're not with him, It's always 'Artie Artie Artie'. I swear to God, I know more about what Artie does than what you do. You talk about him like a guy talks about his new girlfriend. And as your girlfriend, it's irksome."

I was stunned into silence. Nat and I haven't been in an argument like this in a long ass time and the confrontation was shutting me down. Pile onto that everything Nat was saying and I felt like I was in the middle of an avalanche.

"Whatever, Miles. This is beside the point. I don't expect you to drop your life for me, but you haven't prioritized me once since you went to school. I know how you are, Miles. You live your life and you don't pay the closest attention to what's going on outside your environment. It's one of the things I love about you. But I need more and I don't want to be the girlfriend that forces you to give that to me."

She sounded like she'd been thinking about this for a while. Which made me feel like a piece of shit. I forced words out.

"I'm sorry, Nat. I know I haven't been a good boyfriend to you. I never meant to make you feel like you didn't matter to me." I didn't know what to say without making more excuses for myself.

"You don't think we can make this work?" I asked, but I wasn't very hopeful for her answer.

My phone started vibrating, Marissa.

"Miles, do you even want to make it work? You said it yourself, you're busy. Do you REALLY think you have time for me?"

My phone dinged from a text, probably Marissa too. I didn't hear what Nat said as I pulled my phone away from my face to check my texts. I felt like I was juggling while riding a unicycle.

"Nat, can I call you back in fifteen and we can talk more about this? Artie's sister is calling."

"Are you fucking kidding me, Miles?"

She laughed an exasperated laugh.

"I love you, but you're ridiculous sometimes. Please, don't call me."

Then she hung up.

It took a second of silence for me to register what Nat said before I asked to call her back

I'm such a fucking idiot. No fucking wonder she dumped me.

My phone stopped vibrating and I just sat there for a second.

I couldn't even pity myself, I'd been a shitty ass boyfriend. I sent Nat a text saying I'm sorry and it didn't even go through, already blocked.

I laid on my back in the soaking wet grass, looking at the overcast sky with unfocused eyes.

I sat back up. I can worry about that shit later. I pressed Marissa's contact.

********

We only had two days of classes the week of Thanksgiving, and it seemed like the general vibe was: professors didn't give a shit if you were there or not. So I skipped my Tuesday classes to coordinate with Marissa. She was coming to pick Artie up and take him with her to Portland. I didn't understand why they didn't just go to their parents' house and save themselves the driving but maybe they were having Family Thanksgiving at Marissa's.

The thing is, Artie didn't know about it. To him, I was already on a bus going to Nat's for Thanksgiving.

I still hadn't told him we broke up. Haven't seen him enough to tell him and didn't really want to talk about it anyway.

I wanted to reach out to Nat but she blocked me. And even if I did, it would just be to make myself feel better. The right thing to do was let Nat go.

To say it was giving me an identity crisis would be melodramatic, but every time I think about it I can't help but wonder what the fuck my priorities are. I HAVE been prioritizing Artie over her. It's like when I got to campus I completely forgot about her. I can't imagine how that must have felt for her. Imagining her waiting and wondering, missing me. I'm not sure I ever felt worse about myself and I couldn't even apologize.

So I didn't bring it up to Artie. I avoided it altogether, honestly.

I wasn't sure what I was going to do for break but my parents were understanding about my shifting plans, especially when I told them about Nat. I didn't know how insubordinate Artie would be, and if he refused to go with Marissa I would have no choice but to hunker down with him in the dorm.

When Artie got home from class he threw his backpack down with a huge sigh. His shoulders slumped and he dropped into his desk chair, laying his head on his arms. He didn't acknowledge me, not noticing I was there. I had been crouched in the closet, looking for a pair of jeans, and was sort of hidden from view. I didn't move, wanting to see what he'd do.

He didn't do anything. He just sat there with his head down. A few moments later he started trembling. I was so confused until I heard him intake a shuddering breath, then let out a quiet sob. He was definitely crying.

I moved out of the closet and Artie jumped at the sound, spinning around in his chair. He wiped his eyes frantically.

"I thought you left." He was attempting to compose himself but his watery eyes and shaky voice gave him away completely.

"Artie..."

He looked down at the floor as if he'd been caught red-handed. I walked over to his chair and motioned for him to stand up. He stood, and he didn't fight me as I wrapped him in my arms. If anything, he sagged against me in relief. I felt warm tears fall onto my shirt. Artie's body was shaking hard, but I couldn't hear any breath coming out of him.

"Artie, you don't have to hold it in."

Artie wept his response so loudly it startled me for a second.

"YES. I. DO." He said between heart-wrenching sobs.

His grip on the back of my shirt intensified as his sobs continued. He was practically squeezing the air out of my lungs.

It was breaking my heart.

"Artie, you have to tell me what's going on."

"Please don't make me talk about it. Please." He was shaking his head, inadvertently rubbing his face back and forth across my chest. I pulled him to me tighter.

"Okay," I said gently.

I guess I wouldn't push it for now. It was enough for him to let me hold him like this. It's further than I've gotten with him in weeks.

"I won't make you but you have to promise me something, alright?"

I felt Artie nod against my chest.

"Stop running from me, okay?"

Artie took a second, but eventually, he nodded again.

I held him as his sniffles slowly died down. I didn't let him go though, call me selfish but I didn't want to. I'd never seen Artie this upset in twelve years of knowing him.

Unfortunately, there was a knock at the door and Artie jumped away from me like a scared rabbit. I just looked at him with an eyebrow raised. He laughed it off.

I opened the door and there stood Pissy Rissy.

"Look what the cat dragged in," I said immediately. It just fell out of my mouth. My bad.

"Marissa?" I heard from behind me. Suddenly, I was being pushed out of the way from both sides.

"Come here, butthead," Marissa said as she embraced Artie. He had the biggest smile on his face. It felt like it had been ages since I saw him smile like that. I felt my cheeks involuntarily pull into a grin.

"You look... rough." She said to Artie. He flicked the side of her head.

"What are you doing here, Riss?"

"Miles demanded I retrieve you."

They both looked over at me simultaneously, Artie with a confused look and Marissa with a knowing one.

"I'll let you guys catch up, I'm gonna hit the gym."

I had a feeling Artie wasn't going to be comfortable spilling his shit with me around so I made myself scarce. As much as I wanted information, it was more important to me that Artie talked to someone. Even if that person wasn't me.

********

Artie

I did it. I finished my last class and I made it to Thanksgiving break. That was the goal post for me for weeks and now that I'm here I feel... despondent? I feel nothing, to be honest. Just tired. Ready to go home and lay in bed.

Usually, at the end of a long day, Miles is there. Even if he's usually asleep when I get back these days, it's still nice to see him there every night before bed. When I got back to the dorm this time, it was empty.

I immediately flashed back to all the lonely nights I spent in my single dorm last year. It felt like I was having a premonition of my life after Miles finds out about my feelings for him. I couldn't believe I thought this would help.

I didn't even really get to say goodbye to him. He just texted me that he left while I was in class.

I sank into my chair. I tried to clear my head and think about nothing, but I couldn't. All I could think about was how empty my life felt without Miles. Tears were coming out of me before I could stop them. I didn't really want to stop them though, It felt so good to finally let something out.

That is until I heard shuffling behind me. I spun around and Miles was standing there, concern written all over his face.

I wasn't really cognizant after that. All I really remember was the wave of humiliation, and then overwhelming relief that flowed over me when I saw him. When he hugged me, I let him, and I hugged him back even harder.

I didn't want to worry him, but the jig had long been up and I just couldn't hold it in anymore. The crying I did after that point was probably extremely embarrassing, but all I was aware of was Miles around me. And that he made me promise him to stop running away from him.

I should have known better than to agree, but his embrace was a haven and in that moment I lost sight of why I was avoiding him in the first place. His rumbling voice, his warm chest, suddenly made me feel like everything would be okay.

Just as I was about to chastise myself for falling off the wagon once again, there was a knock at the door. I felt like I had been caught in the act, reveling in Miles' hug the way I was.

Once Miles left for the gym words immediately tumbled out.

"Riss, I don't know if I can do this anymore..."

"Do what?" She grabbed my hand.

"Room with Miles."

"Jesus Christ!" She threw my hand away from her.

"What? What happened?"

"Oh my god, you could have phrased it a little differently. I rush to campus because I'm getting calls from your little boyfriend 'I'm worried about Artie I'm worried about Artie'. And the first thing you say when I get here is 'I don't think I can do this anymore!?'"

"Oh... yeah that does sound bad."

"Yeah. Pardon me while I restart my cardiovascular system. And, I could have told you three months ago to get a new roommate."

"Thanks. Thank you for that."

I twiddled my thumbs.

"What did he do?"

"No, nothing. Everything. I don't know."

She just looked at me, waiting.

"Riss... I think I lo-"

"Don't you dare say what I think you're about to say."

My lip started quivering.

I just started nodding as the tears came out.

"I do, and it's killing me."

"Oh Artie, come here." She scooped me up into her arms.

I didn't have a lot of tears left, but what few I had came out. Growing up Marissa and I had been in this situation too many times. Her having to console me. But she was so good at it. Her hugs felt so maternal.

"You need a game plan."

"Not this again, Riss. Last time your game plan was straight-up butt."

In a comm class I took my freshman year, I learned the difference between rapport and report talk. Riss was a report type of person. It's something I appreciated about her. She lets me get my feelings out, and then would give it to me straight. I just wasn't sure I had the capacity for that right then.

"Okay, well, I'm going to say what I have to say anyway. The way I see it you have two options: you tell him, or you move out. And I swear, I'm not advising you to do so just because he's my arch nemesis and I will one day defeat him on the field of battle."

It took me a second to process.

"You're such a fricking doofus and I love you." Sometimes, I hear her talk and I realize where my personality came from.

"Artie, focus!"

"I can't tell him... he'll never look at me the same."

"You don't have to tell him, Artie."

"I can't keep lying to him, Riss. It makes me feel horrible. Every time he wants to lay on his bed or put his arm around me, it's like I'm lying to him."

"Artie, you can move out and still be his friend. You just need some distance. It wouldn't seem so dire if there was some space, I promise you that."

I guess that was the inevitable truth I had been avoiding.

"I almost wish he never came back. I don't think I've ever been happier or sadder."

"Art..." She hugged me again.

"Maybe just start with telling him you're gay." I almost flinched when the word came out of her mouth.

Immediately, my instinct was to reject the idea. But maybe she was right. Not that long ago the idea of outing myself to him would cripple me with anxiety. Now, I'd do anything to rid myself of this guilt.

"Well, either way, let's take your mind off of him for a few days. C'mon, you need to pack." She pushed at my shoulders until I got off the bed.

********

Miles

By the time I got back to the dorm Artie was already packed up and ready to go. Artie and Marissa were sitting in my bed, shoes already on, and they looked like they had been waiting around.

"Hey." I addressed the odd silence in the room.

It felt like the kind of silence when everyone was just talking about you and you walked into the room.

"What are you doing for Thanksgiving, Miles? How are you getting home?" Marissa responded.

"Honestly, don't know. Was waiting 'til you got here to figure it out."