Bad Joke, Sad Joke

Author's note: Another flash story.

*****

Stephen and Mallory had what seemed to be a good marriage. They had jobs that paid well, a nice house, and had friendly neighbors they associated with regularly. All they needed were kids to establish the Freemans' version of the American Dream.

Stephen was the more sober of the two. He set up the family budget and often had to say 'No' to Mallory's requests. Usually she took his answer well although she sometimes pouted for a while. He frequently heard the words, "Lighten up" from her mouth.

Mallory was definitely more fun loving and outgoing of the two. She wanted kids, but also wanted other things along the way. "We need to enjoy life as it comes besides getting ready to have kids." She wouldn't admit it, but she was afraid that having kids would do away with many of her activities she considered pleasurable.

At neighborhood parties, Mallory liked to flirt and make suggestive remarks. She would like to slip a provocative phrase into an ordinary conversation like, "The last time I kissed Joe, I could swear it tasted like he had just gone down on . . Oh sorry, I wasn't supposed to mention that." Most of their friends were used to her attempted humor. Joe would say something back like, "You must not kiss very well, because I sure don't remember it."

Over time, as people seemed to appreciate her jokes less and less, Mallory kept upping the grossness level. One day she came up with what she considered the best yet. For this one, she needed the cooperation of her boss, Stanley. He would not consider it unless his wife agreed. She did with the condition that the details were written down and notarized as Stanley had suggested, so it could be proven to Stephen that it was a joke if he didn't believe it otherwise.

Mallory started telling Stephen that she was going to have to work late some nights. That had been very rare before. She told more stories about how nice her boss was. Her dresses she wore to work got shorter on both the top and bottom. When she got late at home at night, she left panties encrusted with mayo on top of the hamper. Her lipstick was smeared and there were small bruises around her breasts. She always showered upon arriving home, no matter how late it was.

Stephen never questioned Mallory about the signs she was leaving. "He's just not paying attention." Finally, Mallory escalated the game by having an anonymous email that warned Stephen of a possible office affair. A photo was attached showing Mallory sitting in her boss' lap. After still no reaction, there was one showing Mallory partially clothed kneeling in front of her boss. Still nothing.

Mallory gave up. She was deflated because it appeared that Stephen just didn't care if his wife was faithful or not. She came home that night and began preparing dinner. Everything was ready at 6:00 as usual, but no husband arrived. By 7:00 she was really worried. Calls to his cell phone went to voice mail. Calls to his office got a 'working hours' message. Calls to friends got a 'no idea' response. Next, she tried calling the police. There had been no reports of automobile accidents where anyone was taken to the hospital. She called his boss at home and was told Stephen had left work, same as usual, a little after 5:00.

Mallory was not the sort to wait patiently. She decided to drive to his office to see if she spotted his car anywhere. Wanting to change out of her work clothes into something more comfortable, she went upstairs to their bedroom. Mallory fainted dead away. When she awoke, she checked again the sight that had caused the faint: Stephen's things were missing. As the sadness sunk in, the doorbell rang. The sliver of hope that it would be Stephen gave wings to her feet as she flew down the stairs.

With a big smile on her face, she opened the door, ready to say "Stephen" then she saw a young woman there instead.

"Mallory Freeman?"

"Yes."

"I have a package for you. Can you show ID?"

Mallory got her purse, showed her driver's license, and was given the package with the salutation - "You've been served."

She tore open the package and found it contained what she dreaded - a petition for Divorce. Mallory glanced at the provisions for a simple 50/50 split of all assets.

"That asshole. He didn't even have the decency to let me explain. Boy, is he going to feel foolish when he finds out it was just a joke." Then she wondered how she would get ahold of him. She took off work the next day and called his office soon after it opened. Mallory was told that Stephen was on vacation for a couple of weeks. No destination mentioned. She started to panic. Then she remembered that the Divorce Petition listed a lawyer for all contacts.

Mallory had to leave a message with his lawyer to call her back. For half a day she went back and forth between believing he would wind up laughing at her joke or him being determined to get a divorce. Finally, the lawyer returned the call.

"How may I help you, Ms. Freeman?"

"Please tell Stephen that it was just a joke and to stop this divorce nonsense."

"I assure you that Mr. Freeman does not see adultery as a joke and is very serious about ending his marriage."

"But there was no adultery. It was all a fake meant to be a joke. My boss and his wife will testify. We have a dated description to prove we planned this weeks ago. It was a joke for gosh sakes."

"Are you laughing? I know Mr. Freeman is not."

"Okay, I guess I carried the joke too far. I will be glad to apologize and show him the proof. Please give him the message."

"I will. He or I will call you back."

She tried going into work the next day. Mallory got little work done. She spent most of her time with her boss, bringing him up to date with Stephen's reaction. He consoled her and congratulated himself for having the notarized statement drawn up. This was exactly the circumstance that led him to do it. He called his wife and briefed her.

Stephen did not call until that evening. He was not a happy camper. "So, your affair with your boss was just an elaborate joke? Why in the world would I believe that? You did everything but include me in a threesome with him to rub my face in your infidelity."

"Stephen, you know I how like to do practical jokes. I guess this one got out of hand. When you didn't respond to the hints I was giving you, I kept escalating the clues. I had given up the joke after there was no reaction from you on the posed pictures with me and my boss. I was going to confess the night that you didn't come home. It was a joke, a stupid joke. Please come home and let me make things right."

"A joke, huh?" Good try, Mallory, but it won't work."

"Stephen, I have proof. Stanley's wife did not agree for her husband to participate unless we put everything down in writing beforehand. Then we had it notarized with the date of the start of the joke. I have it here at the house. Please come and look at it."

There was a pause before Stephen responded. "Give me his wife's phone number." Mallory gladly did.

Stephen called and asked several questions before he felt assured that it really was Mallory's boss' wife he was talking to. "Is it true about them writing down this scheme before anything happened?"

"Yes, I am so sorry I agreed to go along with it. Your wife was very convincing that you would see the humor in it, and everyone would get a big laugh. My husband and I are pretty dull people, and I think we welcomed a little excitement. I apologize for our participation in the hoax. I hope you can forgive us and your wife. I believe she really loves you in spite of this being a bad joke."

Stephen called Mallory and set a time for him to come over and see the document. Mallory wanted to greet him at the door with a hug, but he refused. He had always appeared rather sober, but now he was stone cold. They sat at the kitchen table. "Is this the supposed 'Get out of jail free' document?"

"Yes."

Stephen put on his readers and read the document. He felt the ridges caused by the Notary's seal which helped prove its authenticity.

"Well, this does seem to prove that it was a joke."

"Good, can you move back home now."

"Hold on. It just proves it was just a trick. It does not excuse the behavior of a wife who would be so cruel to perpetuate such a hoax. Your actions were not the actions of a loving, trusting, or respectful wife. There are still plenty of reasons for me to continue with a divorce."

"Stephen, I am so sorry. I really want to be everything you need and want in a wife. I screwed up. I will dedicate the rest of our marriage to making it up to you. I love you. I want to have and help raise your kids. I want to grow old with you. I will not do anything again that could jeopardize any of that. Can you think of anything besides divorce to punish me?"

"Well, I could put the divorce on hold until we get counseling. A judge would probably order that anyway."

"Yes. That's a great idea. Do you want to find someone you're comfortable with?"

"I don't have any idea where to look. You can find someone, if you don't mind."

"I can do that. What about you moving back home?"

"That makes sense if we really want to give our marriage a chance. But, I plan to use the guest bedroom, at least for a while. It's too soon and my feelings are too raw to go back to the way we were before that stunt you pulled."

"I understand. As long as you're here."

Stephen moved back in, but the lack of intimacy was obvious to Mallory. She did her best to be the 'perfect' wife. There were no late nights at work. She clung by his side at the neighbors' parties. No flirting or teasing. If she were going to be even five minutes late, she would call. She used her most sexy lingerie or flashes of nudity to prompt Stephen to want sex. It didn't work.

Counseling seemed to help. Mallory explored her need to flirt and play practical jokes of a sexual nature. Something from her childhood and the way her mother treated her father was seen to be contributing. Her own insecurity about her looks, her competence, her being worthy of her husband, so on and so on. Mallory believed Stephen was finally accepting there were unconscious forces that helped create the crisis that threatened the marriage.

Stephen's part in the counseling did not seem to go as well. He could not see anything he had done to provoke such a devious act by his wife. Maybe he should have reacted earlier to the first 'signs' of her affair, but he believed she would come to him if she were unhappy with their marriage. He was willing to trust her until he had solid proof. He did, however, begin preparing for divorce after the second week of her hinting. When he got the photos, he told his lawyer to go ahead with the divorce. Stephen admitted his feelings were hurt but didn't think divorce was an over-reaction. He said it would take time to build back the trust that had been broken with Mallory's so-called joke.

Things at home seemed to be getting a little better. Stephen and Mallory were back to their normal routine within the house, except for love making. And there was an edge of tension in every conversation that had not been there before. It seemed both were afraid of making a mistake or provoking guilt. Mallory did not think that was the way to live.

At least she stopped herself from what would have been her first choice of statements, i.e., "If you're not going to have sex with me, I might as well really have sex with someone else." She knew that would probably cause Stephen to leave and to start the divorce again. Instead, she decided to ask him that night if he thought they would ever be intimate again.

Arriving at the house, Mallory picked up the mail from the mailbox. Sorting through the mail, she saw two identical envelopes from the courthouse, one for her and one for Stephen. She stopped and opened her envelope. It was a notice of Dissolution of Marriage. She was divorced!

Mallory ran inside and tried to keep herself under control while waiting for Stephen. Surely this was some kind of bureaucratic blunder that could be easily corrected. She needed to be careful not to accuse Stephen of anything underhanded. Although things were going too slow to suit her, they were improving.

Stephen barely got in the door before Mallory told him, "We need to talk."

She handed him his envelope and watched while he opened it. He read the document without any surprise in his eyes or emotion on his face. Stephen looked up and said, "What do you want to talk about?"

Mallory was shocked. "This has to be a mistake. You put a stay on the divorce. We are reconciling. You need to tell them it was a mistake."

"Why would I do that? I guess I was 'joking' when I said I would put a stay on the divorce. You know how I like a good joke."

"But, I showed you the proof there was no real affair. You talked to Stanley's wife. She told you. We went to counseling."

"I know. Counseling WAS helpful. Our going to counseling was what let the judge go ahead and grant the divorce as it was drawn up.

"Mallory, I decided to put myself in your shoes. What would be the perfect way to hide an affair? I, as Mallory, could get my lover's help in convincing his wife that he and I were going to pretend to have an affair. Put the joke affair in writing and then present it as a comic play to perform. In the meantime, I and he would really have an affair. You, my husband would find out because of the clues I would feed you. Then, when you got upset, I would pull out the document. You would be pissed off, but I would forgive you for being upset. In the end, I would have my normal life back plus I had had an affair without punishment - no divorce for us, no divorce for Stanley, no loss of employment, and no lawsuit of my company, which may have been the risks that had kept me from having an affair even earlier."

"Stephen, you have a sick, sick mind."

"I was just trying to imagine what you would do, dear."

"But, damn it, I didn't have an affair. Now get that divorce cancelled!"

"As I asked before, why would I want to do that?"

"Because . . . because . . . I love you." Mallory put her head down and started sobbing. "I didn't cheat. I swear I didn't. God, I wish I was dead." The sobbing got louder. He let her continue for quite a while.

"Mallory, did you read the whole document?"

Between sniffles she said, "I thought so. It just states the terms of the divorce like your petition said. Why, did I miss something?" Her sobbing abated a little.

"Who signed the divorce dissolution?"

"Some court official, I assume. Let me see. The handwriting is bad. It looks like - 'DONALD DUCK!!' What the hell!"

Stephen, sober Stephen, was laughing, "You know, I think I'm getting the hang of these practical jokes."

"You bastard! I ought to kill you."

Stephen smiled. "How about killing me by fucking my brains out?"

Mallory couldn't help but grin through her tears, "As long as you're dead, you SOB, I don't care how. Now come on."

They headed towards the bedroom and started making a larger family.

Epilogue: I hope the ending was not too obvious and was enjoyable.