Barbara's Sex Lives

Setting the dam atop the washcloth, and the tandem on the nightstand, she rummaged in a drawer of the stand and brought out a pair of scissors. Without going to an extreme, she trimmed her pubic hair. Thus shortened, the hair allowed her to hold the top of the dam in place, with three fingers, just above her clitoris. Then, she stroked the washcloth mostly downward, from clit to the bottom of the labia.

It felt very good. About as good as without the dam.

Her eyes closed. Her lips parted. He hand quickened.

Even with more speed, and some upstrokes, the dam stayed in place.

Her orgasm didn't arrive immediately, but arrive it did. Barb huffed, squirming.

Her initial analysis was that a tongue, lips, and fingers could probably convey similar pleasure.

Then, puzzled, she realized that she felt no soreness.

She looked down her body and lifted the dam. She saw no redness, even where she had trimmed hairs.

As her breathing calmed, she placed the dam again on her crotch. It felt no differently than it had the first time.

With a smile she thought, No reason not to continue the experiment.

It was only after her fourth orgasm that she began to feel genital soreness. By then, muscles in her overly flexed trunk were strained, and the dam was stretched to the point of nearly ripping. She was laughing, and dizzy.

Maybe this should be my whole sex life! Loneliness might not be so bad after all!

As she got up and walked around, however, she knew that the experiment still wasn't finished. I have to give an opportunity to a lover. She pulled up her underwear and tried to decide which of the men she knew wouldn't be freaked out by licking a sheet of plastic.

Maybe that'll be less of a problem than licking a vulva.

***

Things didn't go well with David and Grigori. Keith, however, adjusted to what Barb wanted.

He hadn't heard of the dental dam, but he got the drift. Barb had him perform cunnilingus while she held a dam in place (which she called "Eating me on," rather than "Eating me out"), until she came.

Then, after scrubbing Keith's groin, she wrapped a dam around his shaft and licked it. She then moved the dam around his glans, gathering it like a condom, and sucked until he got very close. The taste was odd, but she didn't mind it. Then she jerked him off into a towel. He huffed and gasped through all that, so she decided that he wasn't disappointed by her avoidance of his scum.

Next, she had him go down on her again, taking her to two more orgasms. By this time his manhood had recovered, and she welcomed his condomed, lubed prick into what she was trying to learn to call her 'pussy.' She didn't cum again, but gained what she hadn't had during her solo experiment: The pleasant insertion of male thickness. She always enjoyed this more than a dildo.

Keith's thickness entertained her for quite a while. So did the sight of him kneading his sore jaw. She praised him for his effort, and managed not to laugh. Despite what she had already enjoyed, she felt no discomfort. When he came, she felt his thickness throb. His departure showed her that the condom was intact, and he complied with her request to dispose and clean off in the bathroom. At last, a man who didn't care about her extreme dislike of semen.

As her body calmed, she felt only the beginning of slight soreness. This was barely noticeable, compared to the lingering buzz of pleasure. Barb welcomed Keith back into bed for a long cuddle.

So began what Barb later thought of as her Golden Age of Sex.

It lasted less than two years.

She might have followed the medical journals at the New York Public Library more than most people, but she was not alone in seeing the threat of AIDS as a reason to curtail sexual adventuring. Even straight men began to think about what they were doing...and whom they were doing.

Barb resumed her self-pleasuring, with washcloth and, perhaps in excessive cleanliness, dental dams. But loneliness was no longer an acceptable substitute.

==1986==

"I ask this to every new patient," said June as she rolled her chair close. "Does it feel weird that a woman is doing this?"

Barb chuckled, and forced herself to relax despite her legs being spread, her feet being in stirrups, and her vulva being exposed to the chill of the air conditioning. "Not so much because you're a woman," said Barb, "but because you're a friend."

That was stretching the point, and they both knew it. Barb and June had been friendly while they were Gamma sisters, but after they went their separate ways, they didn't try to stay in touch. Alumni newsletters informed Barb about June's progress through medical school. Upon learning that June was an OB-GYN in a practice nearby, Barb made an appointment for something that had become increasingly important to her. Much more important than stifling the reflex to refer to this doctor as 'Junie.'

The examination was similar to what Barb had undergone in previous years, but Barb found June's actions and statements to be more thorough, and more reassuring, than those of male gynecologists. Barb gladly made the follow-up appointment.

At the follow-up, June said, "Your test results are perfect." She looked at her patient more closely. "Is there more to this than an annual checkup?"

"Yes," said Barb, surprised that she suddenly felt timid. "It's that, um, I might want to be, um, a mother."

June nodded. "That shouldn't be a problem, as long as you keep to a healthy diet." She glanced at her clipboard. "You're thirty-three. Given your family history, you should have a good pregnancy and deliver a healthy baby. Or are you planning to wait longer?"

"I don't know."

"We've learned a lot about late-stage first pregnancies. But the later the age, the less information we have. For about the next two years, what I've told you should still hold. Beyond then, I can't be sure."

Barb waited, but June said nothing further.

"Aren't you going to ask?" Barb asked.

"Your personal life is none of my business. If you want to bring it up, I could answer questions."

"I'm single, and living alone."

After a moment, June smiled. "That's not a question."

After an eye-roll, Barb said. "Do you think it would be bad for a child to be born without both a mother and a father to raise it?"

"I think it would be difficult," said June. "And this would be a choice that affects more than just the mother. It would impose conditions on the child, as any parental decision would. How do you interpret the society we live in now, and what it might be while the child grows and matures?"

This was a point that Barb had been mulling over for months. Cultural conservatism seemed to run rampant in the nation, which had elected and re-elected Ronald Reagan. She didn't think that being shunned by steadily more judgmental people would affect her greatly, but she had grown up in a stable, secure, nuclear family. Should Barb consign her child, or children, to a life of intolerance and harassment, over their 'illegitimacy?'

Barb felt a tiny smile, admiring how June had sent the ball into Barb's court.

"But choosing marriage," said Barb, returning the volley, "could also lead to difficulty. If the mother and father aren't compatible, the child grows up in an atmosphere of anxiety, and fear of divorce."

"Obviously we read the same magazines," said June with a chuckle. "And we see clearly the world around us."

The word magazine reminded Barb of June, then Junie, walking in on the nail polishing session at the sorority. Barb had then felt what she thought was a protective impulse of a senior towards a sophomore. But there may have been a bit more than that. Barb had felt some...appreciation?...for certain women. Junie had been one such woman. Now, as Barb looked at this poised medical professional, her appreciation seemed a bit stronger.

"The bottom line," said June, "is that you're physically ready for maternity. And I think you'll make good choices for raising children."

***

By phone, June asked Barb, "Would you please meet me for coffee? This isn't an appointment, just a personal chat."

"All right," said Barb, confused, and distracted by work. "I can be free around twelve-thirty."

June said "Thanks," then gave Barb the address.

Barb now lived and worked in the Hudson Valley, beyond the immediate spread of New York, although suburbia was encroaching. The small, artsy-looking coffee shop seemed like a recent arrival. When Barb entered, June waved her over to a table.

Just as Barb sat, June held out a business card. "Here's a referral to a colleague of mine. A very good OB-GYN."

Barb frowned. "Why?"

"In case you have to leave my practice." She moved the card closer. "Please, take it."

Barb said, "Is something wrong?" But she took the card.

"I hope not," said June with a small smile. "I'm careful about medical ethics."

"I don't understand."

June took a breath. "I asked you here for a reason. It's a place where...personal matters can be discussed, freely."

"Such as?"

"I know you've been...well, preoccupied, about starting a family. But I don't think that's the only reason why you've been nervous, during your appointments. So, now, I'll be the one to ask questions."

Barb progressed from nervous to anxious. "Um...go ahead."

"Barbara, have you ever been involved, sexually, with a woman?"

Barb glanced around rapidly. There were people here and there, at small tables like this one, nobody obviously listening to Barbara and June.

Finally Barb looked at June and quietly said, "No." Then she added. "You said my test results were good."

June smiled. "They are. This has nothing to do with that. It has to do with the way you've acted. How you looked at me."

Those eyes! Barb thought, feeling herself plunging into the vast blue ocean. But, more than that. At school, I felt an urge to protect her. Now, do I need her to protect me?

Barb made herself look at all of June's face. "I'm sorry if I've offended you. I understand about, um, not wanting me as a patient."

"Oh no!" said June, putting a hand on Barb's. "It's that I can't have you as a patient, if we get involved."

"Involved?" Barb knew what this must mean, but didn't dare believe it.

"You and I." More quietly: "As lovers."

"As...I, uh, I've never--"

"But I have," said June with a smirk. "I can show you."

Barb was peeved by the attitude of this younger woman, one for whom Barb had limited the hazing by other Gammas, although Barb did that for all pledges, because even the tame hazing struck Barb as demeaning--

"Or would you rather not?"

Barb jolted to the present, and their over-thirty selves.

June looked serious now. Maybe worried.

"No!" said Barb. "I mean, yes! That is--I think I'd be interested."

June's expression softened, and Barb saw her body ease. "Good. I'm accustomed to rejection, but it never feels okay."

Barb looked around again. "So, is everyone in here--"

"A person who cares about another person, without being judged."

Barb winced. "I'm sorry."

"I think you can learn."

"So...what happens next?"

"On the back of the card, I wrote my home address. Would you like to visit me? Tonight, at eight?"

***

All of the books Barb had read, the journals she had researched, the months spent on learning about pregnancy and child care, did her no good in this moment.

This time, in the university library she had used lately, she did entirely different research. The scientific and medical data gave her no concerns, which did not surprise her. At first she was more worried about what she might find in state laws and local ordinances. Here too, however, discreet private activities gave her no cause for alarm.

Privacy is essential anyway, she thought as she stowed some handwritten notes in a zipper pocket inside her shoulder bag. For my...reputation? This could affect my career. And what men might think of me. Potential husbands.

If anything, AIDS seemed to be getting worse. Barb had questioned whether her urge to have children arose from doubts about finding love with a man, and that man being disease-free.

As Barb prepared for the evening, her mood swung through worry and excitement several times. In the shower she couldn't shake the notion that soon a woman, a woman, could see all of her skin, and perhaps think ill of the thickening of her butt and thighs.

This woman has already seen me in intimate detail, she reminded herself. Touched me.

Excitement zoomed past worry.

June's apartment was small. Barb knew from her travels that the main space was what would be called, in Britain, a 'bed-sit,' or bed/sitting room. One side of the bed was against a wall, with large cushions there to give the effect of the back of a sofa.

"I can offer you white wine," said June. Then she added, with a smirk, "Lady seduction fluid."

Barb was too nervous to laugh. As she looked around, she said, "At least you don't have dozens of candles."

She felt her coat being lifted from her shoulders. June said, "Every cliche has a basis in fact. But this place is too small for several open flames."

Barb leaned to free her arms from the coat. Though fully dressed, she already felt exposed.

They sat side by side on the bed.

"I've always wanted your lips," said June in a rough whisper. "To feel them. On my skin."

"Always?" Barb asked, trembling.

"Yes," said June. "Does that disturb you?"

Barb had a sense of June raising points she may have discussed with other women, ones who tried to deny their attraction. "I...um, no. But I never think about, um, whether a woman...wants me."

"Oh, Barbara!" June laughed in delight. With a shock, Barb realized that she'd never seen or heard June's laughter. "Do you think only men respond to your looks?"

Barb bristled. "I've worked in publishing in New York. I've heard plenty of rumors, um, about lesbians."

"But you never included yourself?"

"I like sex with men," Barb said defensively. Then, worried that she might offend, she started to say something else. But June put a finger on Barb's lips.

"I'm sure you do. Sometimes, I do, too. We're all different, and yet we can enjoy certain moments together."

Feeling the need to overcome her awkwardness, Barb took hold of June's wrist, lifted June's hand slightly, and placed her pursed lips on June's palm. Slowly, she spread the lips while in place. It was a trick she had learned years ago, to take advantage of her lips' fullness.

Barb heard June whimper.

Barb moved June's hand away by an inch, so that June's life line would be warmed by Barb's breath.

"Is that what you wanted?" asked Barb, in a tone she'd only used with a few male lovers.

"That's--" Then June gulped. "That's a start."

Barb leaned in, put her free hand behind June's neck, and angled her head slightly even though neither had a nose large enough to get in the way. Barb pressed her lips on June's.

It seemed that nobody breathed, for several seconds.

A shudder shook not only Barb's torso but also her confidence. She jolted back. June wheezed a fresh breath.

"That was wonderful," said June. In what may have been another indicator of how she had to orient the sapphic-curious, June added, "I hope you can want me like that again."

"I do want you!" Barb wailed. "But do you understand how tough this is for me?"

June chuckled, and again put a finger on Barb's lips. "I have neighbors."

"Oh shit!" Barb whispered, cringing.

June had to stifle a louder chuckle. "Such language, for someone in respectable publishing!"

Barb gave her a crooked smile. "I've never had to translate merde."

June gently enfolded Barb in her arms. "Maybe we can continue without words."

This time June began the kiss. Barb was now content to let June take the lead.

More than content. Barb felt moisture behind her labia.

June's hand, days earlier, had parted Barb's vulva, in a room with bright fluorescents. That had felt vaguely uncomfortable at first, but then became tolerable.

The same hand, now, fondled the sweater above Barb's right breast, in light so dim that color could barely be discerned. This made Barb's heart pound.

Barbara wanted words. Words were her livelihood, now in four languages. She wanted to praise June, express to her this strange new passion. But am I doing that well enough, she thought as her hand stroked downward from the button of June's jeans past the base of the zipper, in a language without words?

In that same language, June nodded without breaking the kiss, and lifted Barb's sweater.

Lips moved to cheeks, necks, shoulders. Hands worked past fabrics, to skin that was private.

When June's fingers slid inside the bra, Barb hissed, "I'm so small."

The resumption of words seemed to break a spell.

June snorted. "Do I look like Pamela Anderson? Your nipples are female, and I'll enjoy them as much I hope you will with mine. Every gynecologist adheres to the edict, 'More than a mouthful is wasted.'"

Barb giggled. "You learned that in med school?"

"Absolutely. Just not in a class."

This moment of silly fun encouraged Barb to shed her bra. June did the same.

In the next embrace, they rubbed their small breasts together, rolled and slid their torsos, side to side, up and down. Laughing at first. Then, breathing heavily. Then gazing at each other. Then, again, kissing.

When their lips parted, June said, "I have an unfair advantage. You should have the chance to examine me."

"Oh," said Barb. "Ummm..."

"Is that something that doesn't interest you?"

"I don't know! I'm so used to, ah, seeing men that way."

June's expression seemed neutral. "It's all right. Lovers should do only what they enjoy."

Barb took a breath, then said, "Would you like my lips...there?"

Neutrality vanished. "Yes! But only if--"

"I will," said Barb quickly, and unzipped the jeans before June could pursue the issue of what Barb wanted to do.

"Let me also," June said instead, moving so that each head was at the other's crotch.

That wouldn't be a problem for Barb, she'd been eaten out by many men, with and without facial hair, sometimes without dental dams. But Barb was worried by this failure to be aroused by June's genitals. Barb thought June was beautiful, not just her eyes, and she was excited to be her lover. Another woman's vulva, however, seemed to Barb to be nothing special. If anything, Barb found it vaguely unpleasant. Did this mean, after all her reading, and attempts to adjust to a different reality, that Barbara was not actually bisexual?

Yet she was determined. She pulled away the last of the fabric, then kissed and licked June's clitoris and labia.

The sixty-nine configuration made it less obvious to Barb that she was now fully nude, with a woman who was also. For the first time, outside of a gymnasium shower. And June's lips and tongue made Barb feel very good indeed.

Before she had neared ecstasy, however, June said, "Sit up, please."

Once Barb complied, June arranged for them to scissor their legs. "You might like this better."

"I liked that--"

"Please Barb," said June, putting arms around Barb's back.

In a few seconds, the tickling of pubic hair was joined by the rubbing of labia, while Barb gasped at the sight of June's eyes. "Oh," said Barb. "This is, yes, this is...ohhhhh!"

"Yes it is!" June exulted, grinning.

Barb hugged June in return. The meeting of their breasts was now wilder, all four nipples thick and hard.

The grinding groins were soon wet and swollen.

June squinted and howled, her nails poking Barb's back. Barb gave her lips to June's cheeks, ears, forehead, neck, hoping this would compensate for what must have been a poor performance between June's legs. Then Barb shuddered hard, feeling deep contractions. She nearly tipped them both off the bed.