Beautiful Gifts, Small Packages Ch. 04

Hello my beautiful readers!

Someone left a quizzical comment on my last chapter and I'd like to put a few things into perspective, if I may. *skip if not interested*

First, Riley is 18-19, and therefore I feel he should be given the grace to make mistakes. He's only had one serious relationship and it scarred him deeply. So deeply, that he had to leave school and had no friends. He's an outcast with his parents. He's not able to live openly. He hates his body and has an issue that can never be changed. He's shy, extremely sensitive, chronically lonely, depressed, repressed and touch starved. He also feels that others are so repulsed by his body that he shouldn't even be allowed to masturbate. Of course he's self destructive. Put yourself in his shoes and tell me you wouldn't have some self sabotaging habits of your own.

Now, because his only relationship was so traumatic, he doesn't feel like he's man enough to be loved or desired. Especially because he would love to be the more dominant partner in the bedroom. He also doesn't feel that Thomas would still like him, even as a person, if he was to be completely honest with him about why he doesn't want a boyfriend. However, he does cherish the friendship he's building with him. He doesn't expect a relationship to ever come out of their friendship.

As far as accepting a hookup with Fred, he absolutely did not think the offer was gallant in any way. He's simply a lonely young man that's dying for physical affection and he thinks he needs to be easygoing and loose to earn that affection, especially when he feels he has nothing to offer. He probably didn't even consider how badly the sex could go wrong. He definitely never considered the fact that he could hurt Thomas by having sex with Fred. If anything, he was embarrassed and didn't want Thomas to think he was a slut and to stop being his friend. Again, he values their friendship.

I don't usually feel the need to defend my characters or their choices because I feel like my writing makes their thoughts, feelings and intentions pretty clear. However, I am very protective of Riley and very sympathetic regarding his issues and I dislike the lack of compassion and understanding towards him.

As for Thomas not getting angry at Riley? He has his reasons. Not to mention he's older, has had more experience, has a support system, is true to his word and is just a genuinely a kind, gentle hearted person. Not to mention, he deeply understands what's it's like to be traumatized from a dating relationship and how that can lead to bad behavior.

Finally, some food for thought. I hope, whomever your crush or love is, for their sake, that you have a lot more empathy, compassion and understanding in your heart for them, especially if past trauma is involved, than the commenter thinks Thomas should have for Riley. Remember, true love is patient, kind... it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it does not keep records of wrong, ect.

Thank you for coming to my ted talk.

Much love, xx

Riley's Pov:

I didn't want to talk to Thomas yet here I was, asking him to stay. I was surprised that he'd come to check on me and touched that he'd brought me a drink, even if it was only because of the group. I was also humiliated. I'd wanted time to lick my wounds. I knew I looked like a mess... used even. I was sure Thomas could guess that I'd done something similar to our first night together and wondered why he hadn't mentioned it. I felt completely ashamed over my encounter with Fred and embarrassed that I'd been naive enough to think that the sex would go well. I never wanted anyone else to know about it. Yet, I'd asked Thomas to stay while I was feeling vulnerable and chatty. I was just full of bright ideas.

"The room is pretty small... you can sit on the bed if you want. I'll take the floor," I offered.

I wanted a little space away from him. I was a bit drunk and given everything that happened... I didn't want to do anything even more stupid, like trying to hold Thomas's hand. I felt more lonely than ever and I knew it wouldn't take much for me to cling onto him.

"We could both sit on the bed or the floor?" He proposed, looking at me with way more pity than I felt I was allowed.

"I-yeah... we could. It really is a small room though. It might be a tight fit," I exaggerated.

"Whatever makes you comfortable," he answered with a soft smile. "Do you have a laptop? We could watch a movie or something?"

I blushed, suddenly remembering that the only dvd I currently owned was "Brokeback Mountain".

"I... I don't really have anything we could watch and I can't afford to stream anything," I answered.

Thomas's phone buzzed and he looked down to read the message. At his surprised expression, I asked, "Is everything okay?"

"It's fine, just reading the house group chat to make sure everything is taken care of for tonight," he replied.

I felt myself go even more red. Had Fred told anyone about our hookup?

"Are you needed?" I asked quietly, my mind racing about what I should do.

"Nah, they got it. Sorry about that. I won't be on my phone all night, promise. Ok, so no movie, huh? Well, we could-" Thomas started.

"Did the messages mention me?" I blurted out, sick with anxiety that my little secret had already reached his ears.

"No... why do you ask?" Thomas questioned, looking genuinely confused.

"It's just," I broke eye contact as a flush rose up my neck, "I did something and... it's just occurring to me that there might be rumors about it."

Fuck. I hadn't wanted him to ever find out about this but... if everyone knew about what I'd done with Thomas, would Fred really keep our hookup a secret?

"Rumors about what?" He asked carefully, looking almost guilty.

"I hooked up with Fred!" I admitted, needing to get the confession over with as quickly as possible. I watched his eyes widen and felt my own sting with tears, ashamed to hear what he now thought of me. "Please don't be mad!" I begged, "I just didn't want you to hear it from someone else."

"Why would I be mad at you?" He asked, looking a bit hurt. "It's not like you owe me anything. Even if there do end up being rumors, I wouldn't have been angry with you for it."

My heart raced as I peeked up at him through my wet lashes and whispered, "Does that mean you're still my friend?"

"Of course! Riley, I... I care about you. If anything, I'm upset that you seem so sad about it. Did... something bad happen?" He asked gently as he joined me to sit on the floor.

I stared at the way our knees touched together, feeling much too warm at the spot where they connected. I was drunk. I shouldn't say more. I'd probably regret it later. I looked up and met Thomas's kind blue eyes and when he smiled at me, my heart soared. He seemed safe. I knew I didn't actually know him all that well but every time we hung out, he made me feel seen and comfortable. He said we were still friends... he didn't seem mad to hear about his frat brother and me... maybe I really could talk to him? I had so much to get off my chest and had no one else to talk to... maybe he would be worth the risk.

"H-have you... um," my cheeks flushed. Fuck I was too drunk. I shouldn't do this... "Have you ever been fucked before?" I blurted, my cheeks burned hotly once the question was fully out there.

"Are you offering?" He teased, causing me to blush even more.

"N-no, I- no," I stuttered, completely taken off guard.

Thomas giggled, looking uncomfortable and then bit his lip. "Fuck... I'm sorry! Sometimes I say stupid shit... I was just trying to lighten the mood or whatever... But, to answer your question, yes. Someone's stuck it up my butt before," he admitted with a bashful grin. "Keep talking, I didn't mean to make it things super awkward, I swear."

I smiled bitterly and took a deep breath to clear my head of the unreal images my brain had come up with upon hearing Thomas's playful question, needing several moments to compose myself.

"Did it... hurt, whenever it happened to you?" I finally asked, feeling dumb and childish. Was I seriously asking for sex advice from my crush right now? Pathetic.

His eyebrows rose in concern, "I mean, right at the beginning can suck a little but that typically goes away," he answered.

I felt myself flush once more as I heard his answer. So, my dick was undesirable and, apparently, I couldn't even bottom correctly. "I see," I replied quietly, feeling freshly humiliated and ashamed of myself.

"Riley," Thomas put two fingers beneath my chin to lift my gaze. "Did Fred hurt you?" He asked, looking incredibly serious. "Was... was the sex," he cleared his throat, looking truly disturbed, "Non-consensual?"

Realizing what he was implying I shook my head rapidly, "No, nothing like that happened," I assured. "It just wasn't the greatest experience is all."

Thomas looked a little more relaxed and nodded in understanding but his eyes still shown of pity.

"What?" I asked, feeling he had more to say.

"Maybe... now don't kill me," he hesitated for a moment, looking unsure. "Maybe you should just slow down a bit, yeah?" I gave him a confused look and he took a deep breath and continued. "I mean, you just got here and... I know of at least two people you've come on to in the past month. Not that that's a bad thing!" He hurried to say when he saw my crushed expression. "I just think... maybe.. you should wait until you feel like you can be completely comfortable with an actual partner." I stared at him as my mouth fell open in shock, not knowing how to respond. He let out another uncomfortable chuckle as he scratched the back of his neck. "Hey, so... I haven't had a real relationship in like, two years... so, what the fuck do I know, right?" He looked down for a moment before meeting my gaze again. "Sorry if... you know, I overstepped or something... I just... I really hate seeing you hurt."

I finally dropped my eyes to the ground, feeling incredibly stupid for saying anything. "Do you think I'm... a s-slut?" I whispered, completely mortified.

"No! Of course not!" He objected, shaking his head emphatically as something else in my brain clicked into place.

"You do! You... you told Fred... and the whole house that I came on to you at that party! You all probably had a big laugh about it... you not wanting to fuck some nasty slut. Didn't you?!" I accused, feeling extremely hurt and a little betrayed but mostly, completely and utterly ashamed of myself.

"No I didn't! I thought you were getting to know me! Why the hell would you think that?" He argued, looking pissed.

"Because!" I challenged, remembering everything Fred had said to me. "Fred made fun of your disinterest in me and called me a slut for it and for coming back to the house with him, while he fucked me!" I cried, as fat tears rolled down my cheeks.

Two seconds later I clapped my hand over my mouth, hating myself the moment I said the words. I'd gone and fully humiliated myself in front of Thomas. Surely any interest he'd ever had in me had completely disappeared by now and all because I was pathetically desperate for some kind of affection. I wrapped my arms around my chest, trying to hug myself tight as Mentally fell apart. Why had I wanted sex anyways? The act had only ever brought me pain.

"Oh..." Thomas looked completely taken back. "Oh! No! No, no no, that's... no... Oh my god, Riley!" He exclaimed, as he pulled me into another hug. "This is my fault," he murmured, squeezing me tighter before he pulled back to wipe away my tears. "Riley, listen to me. I did say something to my fraternity brothers but I promise I didn't say anything bad about you. Ok? I honestly wouldn't have even brought it up with them but... Half the house saw me carry you to my room and then the next morning, someone asked if I had a new boyfriend while everyone was at breakfast." I blushed at his words and looked to the floor, holding my own hands while more tears silently rolled down my cheeks. "I said I didn't and they kept pressing the issue. Someone else said how you were dancing quite ... um... promiscuously," he continued cautiously, "And wondered how I could just... turn that down. But!! I told them you're a sweet guy and that nothing happened! I said you just felt sick and I was checking on you. I didn't want them thinking anything like that. And I... I've never thought anything like that," He promised, with a sincere look in his eye.

I felt the hurt melt into more shame as I shrugged, "It doesn't really matter... Fred can say otherwise. I made sure of that, huh?" I replied miserably, wiping my eyes with the back of my hand.

Thomas offered me of half smile and handed me a tissue. "Don't worry about that. Fred might be a complete bastard but he doesn't talk about his actual conquests."

"Why not?" I asked, completely taken off guard.

"His parents work here... one is a professor, the other is a dean, and he doesn't want word getting back to them that he's gay. I'm surprised he didn't make you sign an nda. He usually does that with everyone... unless he thinks they have a reason to keep things secret even more than he does."

"What about everyone else in the house? Isn't that risky? How can he possibly bring men home and not get caught?" I asked, wanting to steer the conversation away from my own secrets.

Thomas shrugged, "We're all brothers. We look out for each other when it comes to certain things," he answered. "Besides, like I said, most of them never even get seen by any of us. He always knows and uses the house when it's most empty."

"Wait! He openly flirts with people at the gym! Wouldn't they find out that way?"

"Yeah... he never use to do that. I think he's acting pretty reckless for someone who's always cared so much about his reputation. Things must really suck at home."

I nodded, feeling slightly reassured but also thoroughly humiliated once more. Everything I'd done was normal for Fred, formulaic even... I could have taken the secret fuck with him to my grave. Why the hell did I even open up like that?

"I won't tell anyone else what you told me," Thomas said, breaking me out of my mental pity party. "You know... if you were worried... that's a shitty thing to have happen and I don't want you scared that I'll tell the rest of my friend group."

"Thank you," I replied shyly, feeling my pointless crush on him grow even more.

"No worries," he answered before pulling out a dvd case that lay halfway under my roommates bed. "Hey look, Pineapple Express! Have you seen it?" I shook my head no. "You think he'd mind if we borrowed this?"

I shrugged, still not knowing much about my reclusive roommate, as our schedules were mostly the opposite and when we were together we studied quietly, rarely a word between us.

"Well, how about we watch it and if he shows up before it's over, I have a peace offering," he said, pulling out a vape pen. "Don't worry," he said when I raised my brows, "This one only smells like strawberries. No ones gonna know."

*******

Thomas's Pov:

I watched Riley smile and warm little explosions filled my belly. Fuck. I was so gone on this one.

I offered him the pen and chuckled with he choked over the world's tiniest hit. "You alright there?" I asked when he finally caught his breath.

"I'm dying," he replied, gasping for more air before he started coughing all over again.

"First time?" I teased with another snicker.

He rolled his eyes but grinned, "Just turn on the stupid movie."

"Your wish is my command," I replied, pushing the dvd into his laptop.

"You want a beer?" He asked, cracking one open for himself that he'd pulled out from under his own bed.

"Are you seriously drinking that shit warm?" I asked, wrinkling my nose in disgust.

He shrugged, "The mini fridge belongs to my roommate."

I eyed the drink suspiciously, "Yeah... I think I'll pass. I barely like beer as it is." When Riley looked disappointed, I decided to give him more information, even though I hated getting super personal about my own shit. "Besides," I added, "I don't really drink much anymore. I... I used to when I was a freshman here but... things got super out of hand... now I rarely touch alcohol," I told him, feeling a tad self conscious like I always did when sharing that about myself. It wasn't a big deal, not really. I just knew most people found it weird or thought I used to be an alcoholic and I didn't like the idea of Riley seeing me that way.

He nodded in understanding. "My step dad's an alcoholic... he's actually the reason I'm at this school. I wanted to go out of state but... my sister is still a minor and she lives with him, so I want to be close. Just in case he has a bad night again," Riley confessed. "Maybe you can teach me the best way to weight train so my skinny ass actually has a fighting chance?" Then he began to blush, "I... I've only ever told that to my ex," he admitted. "I don't like to talk about home."

"Of course I'll help you out... but you really shouldn't handle something like that alone. Let me know if something is up and I'll go with you, okay?" He nodded silently, looking shocked. "Thank you for telling me about all that," I encouraged. "I like being a safe place for you," I blushed then, realizing how close that sounded to revealing my wildly out of control feelings for the freshman. "I wasn't actually an alcoholic," I continued, hoping to distract him from what I'd just admitted. "Since you shared something personal, I guess I'll share more...." I took a deep breath to prepare myself, not entirely sure if I truly wanted to say anything. "My freshman year I spent a lot of time... discovering what I liked... sexually."

"Like kinks and stuff?" Riley asked, looking at me with wide, curious eyes.

I blushed even more and coughed lightly, not expecting him to lay it out so plainly. "Y-yeah... but," I licked my lips, trying to find moisture for my suddenly dry mouth. "I... I was really ashamed of what I liked. Sometimes... I still am. But back then, I would have to get super drunk before I would even let my partner touch me like that. Because I wasn't in my right mind most of the time, he ended up pushing my bouderies... several times. I was really hurt by it and decided to drink even more to block out the pain. It didn't last long though, maybe three months? Heather kidnapped me for spring break that year and basically got me to stop drinking... there was a lot of vomit involved," I chuckled, trying to make a stupid joke like I always did when I felt awkward. "Once I sobered up, I started thinking seriously about what I really wanted in a relationship and ended things with that person. So now, I only drink for special occasions and sometimes parties. Even then it's not much because I don't enjoy the taste of most liquor and... I probably wouldn't drink at all if I was seriously dating again. At least not until I felt like we were both in love and I could trust them that deeply. I don't like letting my guard down for just anyone."

I cringed when I saw the pitying look Riley was giving me. "It was three years ago. It's not even a big deal anymore.. I just... Ok so, the only other person that knows why I stopped getting shit faced is Heather, so I thought sharing would make things more fair."

He nodded and then grabbed my hand, squeezing it between his two smaller ones. "I'm sorry someone broke your trust like that. I get it. I really do. With my ex-"

At that moment, a key rattled outside before the dorm door opened and I swore under my breath in disappointment. I was sure that Riley was about to truly open up to me but no. His stupid roommate had to barge in and ruin everything! Although... I had convinced Riley to hijack his dvd. That wasn't exactly neighborly of me. I smoothed my scowl into a smile, knowing I was getting upset with the poor guy for no reason. He hadn't even done anything.