Becoming a Prima Ballerina

Justin sighed as he finally closed his laptop.

It was already getting dark outside, what sun was left already blocked out by the neighbouring sky scrapers. He spent eight hours a day in this tiny cubicle and in the midst of winter that meant arriving and leaving in the dark. He spared a glance at his pasty hand, white and frail looking thanks to the lack of light. Picking up his bag and walked past the handful of other system analysts still seated and working, they didn't say goodbye, most didn't even notice his passing. When he'd started working here years ago, he'd tried making friends with a handful of his co-workers but could never quite get it to work. He found the men in his area either wanted to be left alone or were pushy and intimidating, always competing and showing one another up. He just didn't have the drive or competitive spirit to keep up, so he became one of the loners.

Swiping his card he leaned back against the elevator wall, taking in the sad, pale man in the shabby suit who stared back at him in the mirrored surface.

Another day, another dollar.

This had been his routine for years now. Wake, work, sleep, on a good day he might squeeze in some trashy tv or a game he'd pulled out of the bargain bin. In the past, he'd always tried to look for the silver lining but now, after years of being trodden down the clouds were getting too thick for any light to pierce. It wasn't that he was desperately depressed he just...didn't really feel anything.

He pulled on his coat hurriedly as he stepped out into the street, wind easily freezing him to the bone in seconds. He hoped the heating on the bus was working today, he deserved some good luck. He passed all the usual establishments on his way to the bus stop; restaurants and clothing shops he could never afford for the most part. But then a sound reached his ears; a distant, lilting music that sent a shiver up his spine.

It was coming from down the side alley and he felt his curiosity peaked. The music was light and airy, filled with flutes and violins and instantly the wind around him seemed to change. Becoming warm and free rather than cold and sharp. He remembered a story he'd once read online about people passing by beautiful things because they were in a hurry, maybe this was such a moment. He stopped, stepping to the side and listened to the tune for a moment, letting it bring a soft smile to his face. Something about the music created a yearning deep within him, though for what he couldn't say. At least today, for all its monotony, had this small bright spot.

~

The next morning it was raining. Hard. His thin raincoat did little to protect him on the walk to work. He was so thoroughly soaked through by the time he arrived at his desk it took practically the whole day to dry. As he sat in his cubicle, typing away he couldn't help but remember that music. Despite only hearing it for a short while yesterday, from a distance no less, he found he could recall it perfectly. He'd always had an ear for music but the idea of learning had always intimidated him. For the first time in forever he felt a tiny spar of creativity burst forth inside him and he spent the next few hours quietly humming to himself as he worked.

Idlily he wondered if it was one of those psychological things; like how the colour red was supposed to make you hungry. Maybe somebody had discovered a certain set of musical notes that helped you feel happy and productive. At the very least it seemed to be working for him as the day flew by instead of dragging for once.

His good mood was somewhat spoiled when he went to leave however. That pouring rain was still pounding the pavement, large puddles taking up much of the sidewalk now. It was going to be an unpleasant and very cold walk to the bus stop. He just hoped the driver would let him on if he was dripping wet. He ran, holding his bag to his chest in a vain attempt to keep it dry under his raincoat. He was so focused on going fast he didn't see the puddle until it was too late, slipping in his sodden shoes he fell backwards onto the wet ground.

His shoulder ached from the impact but fortunately, it didn't hurt too badly. Except for his pride of course. Nobody stopped to help, nobody even stopped to laugh. It was if he was invisible to the crowd of wet people rushing from point to point. With a frustrated groan he let his head fall back into the puddle. It wasn't like he could get any wetter at this point. He wondered darkly how long he would have to lie here before anybody noticed. He closed his eyes, listening to the patter of rainfall and heavy shoes for a moment before a familiar sound joined them. That light, happy music was echoing up from that same side ally not much further down the street.

In an almost trance like state, he got up, gathering himself and ducking into the alley, grateful to find the awnings protected him from more rain. Curiosity rising, he followed the sound down the side street until he reached what appeared to be a studio with blacked out windows. The words 'Soul of Dance' were written across them in pink cursive. There was a tiny open window above the door, allowing the music from within to spread out into the street. Still slightly dazed, he opened the door, little bell tinkling as it closed behind him.

Inside was bright room with polished wood flooring and mirrored walls with beams separating them slightly. A number of young women in leotards and ballet slippers were standing in the middle of the room, gently lifting themselves up and down on their toes in time with the music. Justin watched in fascination as they practiced, their body movements matching the music perfectly as they twirled through the air beautiful and free. It was only when the sound of somebody clearing their throat cut through the tune that he realised there was a woman next to him looking somewhat annoyed.

"I asked if I could do something for you, sir?"

Despite her petite figure Justin found himself intimidated by her sharp eyes, surrounded by dusty mascara they seemed to bore into him. He turned a deep shade of red as the music stopped and he realised how this must look. Some pale creepy guy, soaked to the bone, staring at the women dancing.

"I'm sorry!" He stammered, "I was just, I heard the music and it was so lovely. I just wanted to know where it was coming from. I didn't mean to ruin your dancing. It was wonderful by the way I just..."

He wasn't making this any better. Now the entire group was looking at him.

"I'll just...go." He mumbled, humiliation burning his cheeks.

He watched as the woman who had greeted him narrowed her eyes, seeming to appraise him for a moment before her expression softened.

"It's okay." She said finally, "I thought you might have been some perv but I think you're telling the truth."

Oh, that was good at least.

"I am, really. Telling the truth, I mean." He felt so stupid.

"Why don't you stay and dry off." The woman offered, "I'm Olivia, this is my studio."

"Would that be alright? I won't watch your dancing if you don't want me to."

Olivia gave a him a warm smile and took his bag from between his dripping fingers, laying it down by a small space heater to dry.

"Let's get you a cup of tea, huh?"

Warmth bloomed in Justin's chest. This was the nicest conversation he'd had with anybody in a long while, hell it was the first conversation, period. Half expecting it to be some kind of trick he let Olivia lead him to a little side room with a kitchenette where she let him hang his wet coat on the back of a chair before handing him a steaming mug of something sweet smelling. Taking a sip he could taste ginger, honey and lemons; it seemed to warm his frozen body through from the inside out.

As he sipped the music started up in the other room and he felt his eyes slip closed, taking in the notes as they floated through his brain.

"Do you like it?" Olivia asked, breaking his reverie.

"Oh yes." He said sheepishly, "I know it sounds weird but this song really made my day yesterday and again today."

Olivia gave him a knowing look he couldn't quite decipher but smiled nonetheless.

"It's my own composition." She informed him, "It's called 'Thyne Own Self'. It's about letting go of the things that make you sad so you can finally fly free as the person you truly are inside."

Now that she'd explained it Justin could feel it. Those emotions the music had invoked in him, that description summed it up perfectly.

"You're very talented." He said finally, "I wish I could make music or dance like that."

A blush coloured his cheeks at the admission. It was true, but ballet dancing wasn't exactly something men his age was supposed to aspire to.

"Would you like to give it a try?"

"Me?!" He blanched, "Oh no no no. I've got two left feet, I'm sure and besides dancing is-"

He bit down before the words could escape but Olivia finished it for him, eyebrow raised.

"For girls?"

Fuck. He'd gone and ruined it. The first nice afternoon he'd had in months and he'd completely botched it.

"Not like, in a bad way!" The words kept coming out, he couldn't stop them. "I just mean that, you know, guys can't exactly wear tutus and prance around without getting called-not that there's anything wrong with being-oh fuck this has all gone terribly."

To his surprise Olivia was looking at him pity and sympathy, rather than the distain he'd expected after that word vomit. Gently, she laid her delicate hand against his arm.

"Take a deep breath." She soothed, "How about you just tell me what you actually feel? Rather than trying to explain yourself. Don't get so caught up in what you think I will respond with."

"I just meant," He took a deep breath, "That as fun as it might be to try, I really wouldn't want anybody finding out. Dancing just isn't something people expect a systems analyst to do."

Olivia nodded sagely.

"Well, why don't you come and watch then." She suggested, "Enjoy the music and the performance, even if it's still a bit rough."

Thankful for her understanding, Justin followed Olivia back into the studio proper and settled himself against one of the mirrored walls. The other women actually seemed pleased for his audience, even going to far as to ask his opinion every now and then when they performed. He listened attentively as they explained the various moves, though he struggled to keep the French terminology in his brain. They giggled as he mispronounced arabesque but there was no sharpness to it, no judgment. Towards the end of the evening, his clothes fully dry he laid his head back as they ran through the routine one last time. He closed his eyes, imaging what it would feel like to fly through the air the way they did.

It would be impossible of course, all these women, whose names he was still learning, they were so much more graceful than him. With his square shoulders and thick legs, he could never dance, let alone do ballet. Even considering it was ludicrous.

....right?

~

Visiting the dance studio soon became a habit. Each day he eagerly awaited the end of work and practically ran down the side alley to visit the girls. He was getting to know each of them and to his surprise they welcomed a man into their little group with open arms. He waited for the barbs, the jabs at his masculinity or the insinuations of perverseness but they never came. At first, he thought they simply tolerated his company but soon he began to genuinely believe they enjoyed it.

At first, he just watched them practice but soon he found himself learning the ballet terms by name and even memorising the routine in his head.

"You know you could give it a try." Bella offered one day after handing him his habitual cup of tea.

Bella was the prima, the star ballerina in their troupe. She was exactly the sort of girl he'd assumed wouldn't give him a second thought. She had warm brown curls that spilled out of her traditional bun hairstyle, brilliant green eyes and exactly the figure one would expect from a star dancer. Tall, with thin beautiful legs that were only accentuated by her tights and leotard. When she'd introduced herself for the first time, he'd damn near felt his heart stop.

"Oh no, I really couldn't." he shook his head, he could feel his ears getting red at just the thought.

"Come on!" She urged, taking the tea back and pulling him to his feet. "Here, just stand like this, now place your feet ankle to ankle..."

Like a deer in the headlights Justin allowed her to position his body into what he recognised as a plie. It was one of the simplest moves and yet he could already feel himself sweating bullets as eyes turned in his direction.

"Now, put your arm on the bar and bend your knees." Bella told him.

Swallowing nervously he squeezed the bar tight and copied the move as best he could. He'd seen them do this move a dozen times each evening to warm up. Despite its simplicity, they managed to look graceful as they did so. Unable to avoid his reflection in the mirrored room he felt his ears turn beet red watching himself. He was stiff and awkward, if he possessed a single shred of grace, it wasn't showing here. Quickly he let go of the bar and wiped his sweaty hands on his trousers.

"See." He mumbled, "I couldn't possibly..."

He petered off, unable to think of how to finish the sentence. Join you? Dance? Do anything right?

"It's just confidence!" Bella pipped up, placing a hand on his shoulder, "Hold yourself with more bravado!"

She straightened her spine, holding her head high and pushed out her chest in example. Justin did his best to keep his eyes on her face, no matter how much they wanted to dip lower.

"That's easy for you to say." He sighed, "If I looked like you, I'd be full of confidence too."

Bella pouted.

"You're always so down on yourself Justin. You're such a nice guy, you should stop getting in the way of your own happiness."

"I don't!"

"Yes, you do!" Bella argued, grabbing his hand, "I've seen the way you look at us when we dance. I'm used to guys perving on me when I perform but you don't do that. You want to be there with us! I can tell!"

"That's not the point." He snatched his hand away, flashing back to all those pushy men in his office the first year he joined.

Bella looked hurt but he didn't say anymore, just nodded sadly before joining the other girls over at the barre. He felt like a jerk, she was just trying to be nice. Feeling awkward he turned and walked out the door, he'd gotten so used to coming here he didn't realise how weird it was. A man, spending his spare time in a ballet studio listening to music and appreciating dance routines? He almost wished he was some sort of perv who came to leer at the pretty ladies, at least then he'd be normal.

"Justin, wait!"

Olivia followed him out, holding a small bundle under her arm.

"Don't judge Bella too harshly." She asked, "She's just a very passionate lady and wants to see everybody find their happiness. She can be a little strong with her tough love sometimes."

He just shrugged.

"It's fine."

"Here." She handed him a USB and something wrapped in brown paper. Peeling it back slightly he felt something soft against his fingers and a pale pink ribbon fell loose.

"Ballet slippers?" He balked.

"A special practice pair." She noted, "My music is on the USB, I thought maybe in the privacy of your own home...well. I was given them by my old teacher. She told me they were lucky, that they could really help a dancer find their confidence and inner spark. I know they worked for me."

"I'm not a dancer, Olivia." Justin sighed, hating how wistful he sounded.

"Maybe not, but that shouldn't stop you trying something for fun." She argued softly, "Just take them, okay?"

He nodded. It was a nice gift at least in thought and he'd certainly listen to the music when he got the chance. He bid her goodnight and turned to walk back to the bus stop when she called out.

"Just don't wear them for longer than an hour! My teacher always warned me they could damage your toes!"

He waved in acknowledgment. It was unlikely he'd even wear them for a minute, let alone an hour.

~

Justin collapsed onto his bed, thoroughly exhausted. He knew he should go to sleep, he had work in the morning but his mind was still reeling from his talk with Bella. Yes, it might be a bit fun to dance like them but that just wasn't possible, how could she not see that?

Wanting to relax he plugged the USB into his computer and clicked the file, that familiar light music began playing. It was somewhat muffled by his cheap laptop speakers but it was still clear enough for him to sigh in contentment. The first loop finished and he found his foot tapping against the bedframe in time with the loose beat, in his mind's eye he could see Bella dancing. He knew the routine by heart.

He was alone. Nobody was here to judge him or even find out. Maybe just trying them on wouldn't be so bad. The soft slippers felt alien in his hands and even more so on his feet. He was sure this plan would end the moment he tried to fit his giant feet into them but to his surprise they seemed to stretch effortlessly around, fitting his foot snuggly but not tightly. The ribbons on the other hand took a few tries, he'd watched as the girls laced them up their legs at the studio of course, it seemed simple enough but to his embarrassment it still took him several tries to get them right. After tying the last of the ribbon into a bow under his knee he looked down at himself feeling dejected. His legs were thick and possessed a layer of dark hair. The ballet slippers looked awful on him, like a cow trying to wear lipstick, it just didn't work.

"This is stupid." He hissed, ready to rip the ribbons off and stuff the shoes back in the brown paper where he would never have to looked at them again.

But then the music began another loop. That feeling of lightness filled him and he couldn't resist standing, placing his feet the way Bella had showed him. There was no mirror here to show him how stupid he looked so he closed his eyes, positioning his chest out in what he hoped was a confident manner and plied. Immediately, he blushed out of habit and sat down on the bed. That had been silly, imagine what his co-workers would have thought if they saw him!

'But they didn't' a little voice in his own head seemed to say 'nobody did and it felt nice, didn't it? Fun?'

He couldn't deny it had felt at least a little fun. He looked down at his feet in those delicate slippers again and found himself smiling. Okay, they didn't suit him but they were comfortable and Olivia was right, they did somehow make him feel a little bit more confident. He swore if he concentrated hard enough, he could actually feel his skin tingling where the ribbons touched. It felt similar to the thrum of bass music in a nightclub, the exact opposite of the light classical that was currently playing. Olivia's composition was still playing, that mixed with the strange self-assuredness from the slippers made him stand again, performing the position a second time.

'Fuck it.' He thought, a grin appearing on his face.

Despite the fact he knew he looked silly, he danced. He danced around his room like a damn teenage girl because fuck it, it felt nice! He felt a giggle, an honest to God giggle, burst from his throat as the music played. He spun so fast his vision blurred and he fell upon his bed feeling lighter and freer than he had in years. Sleepily he raised a leg up to gaze at the slippers. Maybe Bella was right, maybe he was too hard on himself, now that he had danced, he realised the shoes didn't look that bad on him. His skin was actually a lot smoother than he realised, hair not nearly as noticeable as he'd first thought.